The Reason I Clawed My Eyes Out

Like I said earlier today . . . I would rather have had a pack of wild monkeys gnawing on my left shin while fire ants stung my eyes . . . but that didn't stop my wife from saying "Hey, I want to watch the MTV VMA's". So, me thinking that it probably was not as painful as I thought it would be let her change the channel to MTV.

Never trust a woman with programming choices or movie selections. I should have known this was going to be bad. This is the same woman that suggested we rent Be Cool a week or so ago. That movie made me so mad that I wanted to punch a baby. It was 2 solid hours of people talking and behaving in a manner that was so implausible and ridiculous that I kept trying to introduce the remote control to my ear drums.

So here we are, watching a re-run of the VMA's; and you know they'll play them a hundred thousand times before the weekend when they'll do their yearly VMA retrospective where they show clips of every single VMA to ever be filmed for the sake of nostalgia, and I'm thinking . . . "When did Mariah Carey start posing instead of performing?" She doesn't even look good doing it as she is contorting her face to look like a recent victim of Samara from the Ring movies to get that high note. That note that can shatter glassware as good as it can make dogs' ears bleed. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. She's standing, in the middle of a pool with her dancers performing, and she's just diva'ing it up like no other. And this is entertainment? She wasn't even at the venue. She was in some hotel. God forbid the people there were to witness your awful lip-synched performance in person. No no no, that would have been unacceptable.

And Diddy on hosting duties. Whoa, better stick to steali . . . er . . sampling other people's music to make money because you have the charisma of a Budweiser frog, and I think that's a compliment judging for your lack of stage prescence. Thankfully, I did not watch much because I had to take da wife out somewhere, but during those 15-20 painful minutes I will never get back, I really did wish fire ants were crawling all over my eyeballs and stinging them repeatedly while rabid monkeys gnawed on not only my left . . but right shin as well.

So, if anyone asks at work tomorrow why I'm coming in with bandaged eyes . . . I will only say "MTV VMA's". I know some will be perplexed by this, but one or two will get it. Hopefully they can ease the confusion of the other less "hip" co-workers.