"Hide & Creep" From This Movie

"Hide & Creep" is Alabama's response to "Shaun of the Dead". A zombie comedy devoid of comedy, and some of the most retarded zombie action ever to be put out on DVD. I didn't actually pay for this, and at the risk of hearing "never look a gift horse in the mouth" comments from people out there, I'm going to do my best to review this hunk of crap that I forced my DVD player to play.

There's not much plot to this movie. Zombies rise from the grave and attack people. There's supposed to be some sort of alien subplot, but apart from one of the main characters mentioning that his ass is sore, it's not explored. It's sort of thrown out there like spaghetti is thrown to a wall. The only problem is, this spaghetti's not sticking. And this particular subplot provides us with ample shots of a redneck walking around the woods butt naked. It's not a pretty sight. Where are the stunt butts when you need them.

While watching this, I kept thinking to myself what great Kevin Smith fans the guys that made this movie might have been. They pretty much go for that same kind of dialogue that carried Smith's first mediocre movie, Clerks. They even have a slacker-ish smartass running the town video store. If you catch the Coca-Cola vs Pepsi tirade while watching this, then you know exactly what I mean. The only thing that separates this from Smith dialogue is . . . well, Kevin Smith can write. These guys can't. But they were gracious enough to emulate the shitty camera work, complete lack of budget, and the characters cavalier attitude towards a zombie apocalypse.

While looking at the box art for this, you'll notice a couple of the characters from the movie with gun belts crossed over their chests, shotguns in hand. The only thing is, there is not one single shotgun in this movie. It's all rifles, and they all looked like .22 caliber rifles. They kind you go out shooting birds or cats with. And no gun belts either. It's total false advertisement. So is the blurb on the box art that reads "Even funnier than Shaun of the Dead". The quote is pulled from "Kevin Smith's Movie Poopshoot" website, but it's never credited to anyone. It might have been a line from someone posting in a forum on that site. It's quite the lofty claim, as SOTD is a zombie comedy of superior caliber and quality.

There's nothing much original as far as zombie rules of engagement go. They are slow, dumb, and munch on the flesh of the living. Do they look good? Nah. If you've seen "Night of the Living Dead", then you know what to expect. I know that movie is a classic, and they could get away with zombies that looked like regular people that hadn't slept in a week, but now, 50 years later, it just looks stupid. They film makers do show us some zombie strippers . . but just for the hell of it. In fact, most of the zombie action in this happens just for the hell of it. There is no build up of tension. It's just a character walking and boom! there are the zombies. Run away, or fight them. The only thing new here is that zombies are afraid of the dark. Never explained, just thrown out there. The gag in the bathroom where one of the characters is cornered and gets away by turning off the lights is hardly funny. Never have I sat through a movie thinking "why do I do this to myself?".

Should you avoid this movie like the plauge. Yes. Is it better than the Uwe Boll classic "House of the Dead"? Marginally, but definitely better than "Hookers in a Haunted House". If I had a grading system in place, I'd give this movie a negative three stars. But I don't, so I'm just going to give it a positive two middle fingers.