Kate Bosworth is Eating Again

It's good to see people rebounding from rock bottom and starting to look human again. For example, Kate Bosworth, in the pictures in this post, is starting to look normal again. I don't know if you remember her from a few months back. If you don't, you can see an example here which will either freak you out, or get you a solid woody. Until you scroll down, and see what I was talking about, whereupon said woody would totally deflate. Unless you're into anorexic chicks. You could say they're "ribbed for your pleasure". Oh God . . . hold on . . . I just puked in my mouth a little.

But, moving on to the new and improving Kate Bosworth, kudos to you. The bikini is not looking too bad. And we can all give thanks as well for the picture below, which shows full on NHO action (NHO = Nipple Hard On).


And, one more from the back, for all the tiny junk in the trunk fans.

Tyra Grope Tour Continues

Oh Tyra Banks, why do you do these crazy things? Don't you know you should be focusing all of the attention of the world on you? I mean, that's what you were put on this world for. And why Rosie O'Donnell's breasts? You know she's enjoying it rather than going along with the joke like that McPhee chick. I guess that Tyra embraces affirmative action when it comes to fondling other women's breasts. She's like Martin Luther King Jr. and Joe Francis from the "Girls Gone Wild" videos all wrapped into one. She should be getting the Nobel Prize any day now.

Opening Weekend Movies - 4/27/07

So . . . not a whole lot of posting going on this week, but I have a couple of extra minutes between porno free trailer sites and X Box 360 playing this morning before I have to go to work, so let's take a look at the opening weekend movies.

The Condemned - Let's go over what this movie has. Wrestler? Check. Futuristic-type setting? Check. People fighting to survive? Check. America's infatuation with reality television? Check. So, who's going to go watch this? All of those poor WWE wrestling fans. Vince McMann will be hearing a lot Ka-chings this weekend.

The Invisible - Sort of like a horror movie without any horror, or a mystery movie with no mystery because you already know what's going on. Interesting direction to go, huh? What were the producers thinking when they went into this? I think I'd rather watch "The Condemned" this weekend than this movie.

Kickin' It Old School - Jamie Kennedy is going to so X you if you go watch this movie. I can see it already. You're the only one in the theater and then he comes in, dressed in an usher uniform, with a fake nose on of course, and then you see the camera crews. Serves you right for paying 10 dollars to see this piece of crap that should have been straight to Betamax. Why Betamax? Because they're kicking it old school.

Next - What? The MTW show where people with loose morals go through dates in minutes, actually, they have a countdown. Oh, I knew it was too good to be true. No, this is Nick Cage, with another bad haircut, predicting the future to try to save something. Or someone. Does it even matter? You know this is science fiction when you have Jessica Biel as his romantic interest. Probably this week's big earner. *sigh*

Get Your Game On, Trailer-Style

I have an affinity for videogames. Just something that I grew up with, all the way from my Atari 800XL (the one with the keyboard) through my 8-Bit Nintendo system, to my Super Nintendo and then Sega Genesis. Those were my fondest consoles to date, but that does not mean that my flirtations with the original PS unit and the subsequent dealings with the X Box and the X Box 360 have not been anything but enjoyable. So today, I bring you a couple of game trailers that you should keep an eye out for. First up, Alone in the Dark. For the PS3 & X Box 360. It looks amazing. I really like the music towards the end. Is that a Chinese chorus?

Also included in this post is not so much a trailer but a leaked video of some multiplayer Halo 3 action, still in Beta. This is what the lucky ones who managed to get into the beta testing will most likely be playing in less than a month. The Zanzibar map is a favorite of mine from the Halo 2 game, and it looks pretty amazing here. I also like the new HUD. A couple of new weapons are seen here . . . if you can make them out through the poor quality of the video. Sorry people, it is YouTube. Digging the quad-wheeler.

Suck on those videos and I will post some more as the weeks go by.

Are You Joking?

Well, it looks like this is what Heath Ledger will be looking like as he portrays the Joker in the next Batman film which is currently being shot. And if you're thinking he kind off looks like "The Crow" had a fight with a green highlighter pen . . . and lost, then you'd pretty much be right. But, I'm sure the special effects will make him look sort of decent, other-wise he's just looking like a gay goth dream. Plus, he's never going to finish that Rubick's Cube. That thing's huge.

Opening Weekend Movies - 4/20/07

Fracture - I saw the trailer for this, and was not all that impressed. Sure, it's Anthony Hopkins running circles around Ryan Gosling, but that's almost as exciting as the Special Olympics. That, and courtroom dramas are just a bunch of yawns to me. Who cares really.

Hot Fuzz - This, on the other hand, looks like a right fucking riot. I don't know how many times I've said this is from the makers of "Shaun of the Dead", but it is, and that alone should get your "sodding" (as they say over there in the UK) arse into theaters to go watch this. If you go and you don't laugh, then there's something really wrong with you. Like you might actually be the Anti-Christ. Or just lack any sense of humor whatsoever. In that case, stay at home this weekend and catch the Carlos Mencia show. That would probably make you laugh. You twat.

In the Land of Women - This is such a chick flick disguised as a coming of age teen-style story. Meg Ryan's in it, so that should tip you off as to what your getting yourself into as your girlfriend/wife drags you to go see this. And could this Adam Brody kid be more Zach Braff'ish? Stare at the camera while some hipster music plays in the background some more please. God, I hate everyone who was ever involved with "The OC".

Vacancy - This could have possibly been a fun direct to DVD release, but they're taking it to the big screen. Do Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale even have the star power to carry a movie on their own? And do people even care about snuff films anymore? That's so 1998. I'm not even waiting for DVD for this one. If it's on cable, sometime next year, I might DVR the bitch. Might. And only if it's playing on one of the HD movie channels.

In Limited Release Special for 4/20

Smiley Face - Anna Faris is stoned for an hour and a half-ish after eating some pot cupcakes. That's all you really need to know about this movie. Oh, and Adam Brody is in it wearing a ridiculous rastafarian dread wig. What a fag. Here's the trailer, which includes a scene where a dog talks to a fucked up person. Original? Maybe the first time it happened.

Ends of a Spectrum - Alba vs Fergie

Thursday should be renamed "Panty-day", because that's all that's going on today at BAFW. Not that I'm complaining, too much, but a nice panty flash can do wonders for your morning. Take Jessica Alba for example. There she is, looking pretty hot despite her recent weight-loss. That dress looks like it could cause some problems if viewed from a different angle . . . or if a slight breeze were to come over and blow it away. It's pretty flimsy. Since we don't have the benefit of creating breezes here at BAFW (not yet, but I'm working on it), we do have different pictures of different angles that do show that the dress she is wearing is . . . totally see through.


Now, I know that you were probably waiting to see a picture of her not wearing anything under that dress, but she's no Paris Hilton. The tighty-whities she's wearing are not that sexy when it comes to underwear, but it still is a totally unplanned and therefore voyeuristic experience that you can (and I'm sure you will) spend some time looking at, if not doing other things to yourself. Seriously. God's watching. Here's a shot from behind, that shows the behind.


So, as far as spectrums go, a Jessica Alba panty-flash is as far as you can go when it comes to "good". What could I show you that would be bad? Well, in case you didn't read the title to this blog-post . . . that would be a Fergie panty-flash.

These come courtesy of some movie she's shooting, or whatever. I'm sure the papparazi have not taken up residence in her home, but I do know she tries really hard to be "sexy". Just comes off as post-op trans-sexual to me. I mean, look at that face. I have no idea how her boyfriend, Josh Duhamel, puts his penis in that every time they have sex. It's just unreal. I mean, sure, Fergie has a decent body, but she's the epitomy of "Butterface". You could, of course, cut her head off and that would improve her looks by 100%, but it would not last. Decomposition and rigor mortis always screws things up in the end. And what's up with those panties anyway? What she needs is some "Face/Off" style face transplant surgery, stat! I don't care who's face you put on her. John Travolta or Nick Cage. Anything would be an improvement.

Jessica Simpson Shows Dinner Plates

Jessica Simpson was spotted, out and about, without John Mayer some night ago (do you see the in depth reporting that's going on here?) and it would seem that we, the public, are getting to know her a little bit better. Enough that Jessica Simpson is showing off her dinner plates. Oh wait, those are just her giant areolas. My God they're huge. I mean, some people like eating off of dinner plates, but they just look freakish to me. A boob should have a tea-plate surrounding a nipple. Just my opinion though. And while the rest of Simpson's boobs might look pretty good (bigger is better), her face is looking a little bit on the tired side. I hate to say this, but it might seem that her sister is actually edging her out in the "who's prettier" department. Pictures of Jessica's almost nip-slip, table-ware viewing below.

Heather Mills - See You Next Fall

Ok, I know I shouldn't be making fun of handicapped people. But . . . when you sign up yourself for a dancing competition called "Dancing with the Stars" and your only claim to fame is divorcing Paul McCartney from The Beatles and only having one leg, you're kind of asking for it. Plus, is that what you call dancing? I've seen electro-shock therapy patients that can move better than you, Heather Mills. The fall happens at the end of the video. You can sit through the whole thing if you're feeling a bit on the masochistic side, or you can wait until the end, and watch her take a little tumble. America . . . still cheered. God, I can't take you anywhere America.

Paris Hilton - Losing What Mind?

I tend to talk to myself while in private, because, well, who else can hold a conversation with myself other than . . . myself. Yes, I am pretty fucking witty when it comes to that. I tell the best jokes when I'm alone. I have the best stories to tell. I'm the life of my one-man party. And that's the difference between Paris Hilton and me. You see, she does it in public. But she's not even all that witty about it. Take a peek at what someone saw just recently.

"But as Paris was about to leave, she started saying ˜firecrotch" to herself - but loudly - so everyone around her could hear. And she wasn't saying it to anybody - she was all by herself. She was practically chanting it!"

So, there you have it. Either Paris is an attention-whore (which I guess goes along with being a regular whore), or she's losing her mind to something that her Herpes medication can't cure. Possibly Syphillis. I remember from school that Syphillis can cause dementia in it's late stages. Which would not surprise me at all. But hey, at least she knows how to buy a bra.

Box Office Report - Disturbing

Disturbia - The number one movie in the country is a somewhat unofficial remake of a Christopher Reeves starring remake of a Hitchcock'ian classic? There is nothing original anymore. But, at least it knocks down the reigning Will Ferrell movie du jour, so it can't be all that bad.

Blades of Glory - Former top spot box office dominator gets knocked down a peg, but it still doesn't hurt its numbers. Are there really no other movies to watch that this movie still rakes in a considerable amount of dough? I mean, making 14 million this time of the year, is like having a so-so opening weekend take. But this movie has been around for a solid 3 weeks. And you all could have gone to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Meet the Robinsons - I have not met the Robinsons, nor do I want to meet them. I'm pretty tired of the Chicken Littles and other Pixar knock-offs. Disney, give it a rest. You're looking a little on the desperate side. Like a girlfriend that would give up the poop-chute just so that her on the verge of leaving boyfriend sticks around for maybe another couple of nights. Seriously, retain your dignity.

Perfect Stranger - Halle Berry has an Oscar right? Bruce Willis is a pretty good action movie actor . . . so, what are they both doing in this piece of crap movie that should have gone straight to video? The answer to that would be as complicated as trying to explain to your dog that it shouldn't pee on your carpets. No matter how much you try to reason with it, there will still be a pet-stain on your rug by the end of the day.

Are We Done Yet? - This movie has a question mark in it's title, which really should be a question unto it's own. And what is that question? Why the hell would you drag your kids to this movie? Do you really want them to shut up for an hour and a half that bad? Didn't child services warn you about child-abuse already? God, kids have it rough these days.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters came in at #13 with a profitable 3 million take. Which, is pretty good considering it opening in limited release, and the budget for it must not have passed the $100,000 mark. Trust me, I watched it this weekend. While it was the definition of "random", it wasn't high-budget material. Thoroughly enjoyable though. I think this will make some decent cash on DVD.

Musically Inclined Mondays - Feist

I like Feist. I didn't know much other about her before I started downloading . . . illegally . . . her music. But you know, after listening to her music, I almost want to go out and actually purchase her latest CD. Almost. What can I say. I'm a cheap, free-music loving, bastard. Check out these tracks I have along with their corresponding music videos.



Feist - One Two Three Four



Feist - One Evening



Feist - Mushaboom

Opening Weekend Movies - 4/13/07

Disturbia - Shia LeBouf stars in this movie, which I'm pretty sure is a Hitchcock movie remake, but instead of the main character being immobilized by a broken leg in a cast, he's under house arrest and has a tracking device on his leg. That, and everyone is young. Except for the killer. Because killers are always old, and tend to give Dr. House a terrible time if he leaves a thermometer up their ass.

Pathfinder - Vikings discovered America way before Christopher Columbus stumbled upon the Caribbean on his way to Asia. This would make "Pathfinder" a documentary then. Which I'm just guessing won't make as much money because Karl Urban is not Al Gore or Michael Moore. But, wouldn't this movie be that much better if you could see either one of those don viking armor and start going medieval on some asses? Yeah, why doesn't Hollywood get all their ideas from me.

Perfect Stranger - Halle Berry works in an ad agency as a mousy office worker who finds out her boss is evil. Wasn't this the plot for "Catwoman" as well? Berry just got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I'm wondering if it's for "Most retarded movie roles after winning an Oscar" category.

Redline - Eddie Griffin crashed a fake Ferrari to promote this movie. So you know it has to be good. Cars and racing . . . and I'm guessing chicks? Is this the next installment in the Fast and the Furious franchise? "Fast and the Furious - European Extreme"? Who cares. If this makes money (2nd or 3rd in the top five) this weekend, I'm taking a sledgehammer to the next Lamborghini I see.

Slow Burn - Never heard of it. Could be possibly good, or possibly bad. With a name like that, and starring Ray Liotta, it could just be a movie about something . . . burning slowly. The synopsis I read said something about a gang lord, a "beautiful" assistant D.A. and a robots in disguise. Wait a minute. Something doesn't fit here.

In Selected Theaters

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters - I will hunt down this movie this weekend. Most likely Sunday, which has become my new movie night. But, who wouldn't want to see Meatwad, Frylock and Master Shake for more than 15 minutes at a time. This will be comedy gold. Look for this movie. It's low budget, poorly animated, and just wrong in every way. Which is why, it's so right. Plus, they have the best movie title out this weekend. I mean, who else spells out punctuation? See, nobody. Watch this, or you're just another nerd. And you know what happens to nerds. They get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks. Don't let that happen to you.

Will Ferrell Short

This is too funny. Not because Will Ferrell is in it, but rather because I find kids cursing to be the ultimate paramount in comedy. Check this video out. Oh, and Ferrell's got a mean whi-fro.

Edit: I don't know why the video player is not showing up on my computer when I publish, but I'll get to the bottom of it. In the mean time, check out the link to the video here and fall in love with "Pearl".

Edit #2: Ok . . . So, it works on Safari, but Firefox, the browser I was originally using, does not show up with the video. But, chances are you got here with Internet Explorer . . . in which case . . . um, sorry for the spyware. Yeah, you should definitely get yourself a Mac.

PS. I'm kidding about the spyware, but I'm pretty sure you were fuh-reaking out right now, huh? Don't worry, it's just a backdoor trojan.

Hayden Panettiere Joins FBI

That's the "Female Body Inspectors", if you're not hip with jokes that were funny in the 7th grade. And, it looks like she uses a rather unorthodox method of inspecting. Rather than using tactile methods, she opts for a taste testing approach that is just damn sexy. Is this chick still only 17? Looking is ok . . . right? You can't get sent to jail for just looking. I have to check something with the BAFW Legal team. While I do that, enjoy this picture that comes courtesy of the fine folk(s) over at The Egotastic.

American Sex Idol

I don't watch "American Idol". Not a single season's worth of shows have been watched by my eyes, and I feel perfectly happy and ok with that. That doesn't mean that I won't post videos from time to time of Sanjaya making an ass out of himself and only sticking around because all of the tech support workers in India phone in to vote for his retarded ass. This video above, is Sanjaya-less. It, rather, features a contestant from the second season of American Idol called Olivia Mojica, who made it to the top 24 (I think), but not all the way . . . Um, who cares. She has a sex tape which is described as 40 minutes of hot sex. Check out the video, for as long as it is up and viewable.

EDIT - Yes, it's only playing 26 seconds of the actual 54 seconds for me as well. Don't freak out, it's not your computer. You can also check out this shorter clip courtesy of TMZ.com, which, plays all the way, but has the quality of a VHS tape that was left in the sun for an entire summer.

Halo 3 Beta Announcement - Now with Video

Before you do anything, click on this link. Trust me, once you enter your age, and choose your format, you will not be disappointed. Unless, you're using dial-up, and then you can curse the heavens while you wait for this multiplayer video-doc to load up. Because . . . it is awesome. I don't use that word to describe many things, but this is, truly, and unequivocally, awesome.

So, after you're done panting over the beauty of the new maps and how great the game looks in it's Beta stages, you'll want to know "Hey, when can I play this shit?". The new additions to the game, like the returning assault rifle and those "bubble" and "trip" mines look like a step in the right direction. So, you're looking for a date. Well, wait no further, the date is . . .

But seriously, those maps looked fantastic. Specially "High Ground". I can't wait to play that. And despite the fact that a "man cannon" sounds like a grotesque euphamism for a penis, it looks fun to use as well. And I'm liking how you can now see the weapon you're not using attached to your back, unlike the previous versions where it just kind of disappeared into your back. That should stop people from sneaking up on others with a plasma sword surprise.

Ok ok, the date. Well, if you were lucky enough to get a Halo 3 Beta invite through the "Rule of Threes" promotion or you picked up a copy of "Crackdown" earlier this year, the Beta will have you waiting until May 16th at 12:00 AM. That's the one that is dark. It runs through June 6th at 11:59 PM, ending a glorious three week period where the likelihood of me playing anything other than a test version of a game is nil. So, people who got the invites will get to play it before anyone else, and then wait for the full game to come out, where we will be l33t enough to lay down the pwnage on some n00bs.

I can't wait. Check out the video, sit tight, and come mid-May, I'll see all you motherfuckers online.

Search Terms - Neglected

Yeah, I took a week off the Search Terms because . . . well, every time I went into the stats page to get the information, it was full of http://buzzfeed.com/buzz/Sideboob entries. Not that I'm complaining, but I had to let it die down a little bit so that I could get the referral entries I so desperately was looking for. I mean, how else am I going to post up something when nothing really interesting is happening in the world.

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Easter's Not What it Used to Be

Shocking footage from the Conan O'Brian show, featuring BJ Novak of NBC's "The Office". Cadbury is trying to scam your ass. Their eggs are now, not just barely, but clearly, noticeably smaller, which means you're paying for less cream-filled goodness . . . and that folks, is just bad economics. Watch this and get blown away by the truth.

Spam and Response

Seriously, who falls for shit like this these days anymore. If I thought that free money were out there, ripe for the taking, I would have already quit and would be living the high life with some dead Nigerian empresario's millions. Here's the latest e-mail I got today (twice).

Dear Friend,

I am Michael Jones, I was the credit manager of SNS Bank Laison Office U.K.

I have a proposal to discuss about a late Friend of mine, on fixed deposit
in the bank.

Please contact me through email if you are interested to know.

Thank you.

Regards,
Michael Jones.

If it were a close friend of his, why didn't he just get the money himself or get someone in the fucking UK to run his scam on. He has to contact someone clear across the fucking Atlantic Ocean? Usually, I just dump them in the trash, but today . . . since the douche-bag sent me two, I felt compelled to respond. Here's my tactfully worded letter.

Dear Not-Friend

Mr Jones, I would appreciate if you kept your bullshit e-mail scams to yourself. Not a single motherfucking day goes by without one of your jackass cohorts trying to get me a large sum of money if I just sent them my personal information. Was I born yesterday? I'm pretty sure I wasn't. So quit wasting your time, get a real job, and fuck off. Take this as a notice of non-interest. Go get your fish n' chips on and whack off to pictures of Emma Watson. Asshole.

Box Office Report - Easter Suck-day

Blades Of Glory - For the second time in a row, the Will Ferrell/That guy from "Napoleon Dynamite" ice-skating movie takes the top spot. While there are funny people involved, it's not something that appeals to me. But, nevermind what I think America. Go watch this while other movies that deserve this spot flounder and end up making it harder for true quality films to be released instead of cookie-cutter crap like this.

Meet the Robinsons - Speaking of cookie-cutter crap . . . what's the recipe for semi-box office success these days? Oh yeah, sub-par CG-animated pieces of shit like this movie. Has Disney officially killed it's hand-drawn animation studio? All that talent that brought us such classic animated films like "The Jungle Book" and "Bambi" has turned into a Pixar knock-off. Why did Disney even buy Pixar? They should just let them handle the CG, and they should return to what made Disney . . . well, Disney.

Are We Done Yet - This is the most surprising debut of the weekend. What the fuck kind of world is it that we're living in when the sequel to a crappy Ice Cube movies opens with 15 million dollars. Are pigs flying? I looked outside my window right now and Los Angeles hasn't frozen over. So why people . . . why did you all collectively decide to go watch this instead of the next movie on the list.

Grindhouse - I made it a point to go watch this over the weekend. Sunday at 4:30 pm, in La Crescenta's UA theater ('cause I had a gift card), the wife and I went to go watch this. There were probably 20 other people in the theater that could easily seat over 400. All film geniuses like us. And then, for the next 3+ hours we were in cinematic bliss. Everything from "Planet Terror"s stylized and splashy gore to "Death Proof"s energetic and raw car chases/crashes was perfect. Even Tarantino's often wordy written word came through just right. And, both films had great "get the fuck out!" moments. I don't want to spoil anything for you, since, taking a look at their 11 million dollar opening weekend, you probably didn't watch it. Shame on you. It is your responsibility to watch "Grindhouse". Otherwise, it's just un-American.

The Reaping - Now this is more like it. Crappy theological-themed movies of the month always go after the good stuff. Not that I have any ill-will towards this. As far as movies dealing with supernatural biblical mumbo-jumbo, this looks way better than that Exorcist prequel that came out a couple of years ago (pick which version, because there were 2). But, Hillary Swank kind of kills it for me. Now, put Angela Lansbury in that role and she would definitely get to the bottom of it. In one hour. Just in time for my early bird senior citizen dinner. I like to digest while I watch my "Matlock".

Nipple-Topia - Emmanuelle Chriqui

I watch "Entourage" on a regular basis. It's not my favorite show, but, since it's on HBO, there's almost always a partial guarantee that there will be nipples and asses on screen, as the guys on the show like to party it up . . . all the time. So, it's only reasonable, that the female stars (and thankfully not the pregnant PR-lady) were to show up at an event and show the anxious papparazzi a little somethin-something. Emmanuelle Chriqui is pictured to the right, and below, looking not too shabby, and I think that's because she forgot her bra at home. This is the kind of sideboob that people want to see. The kind with a nipple attached to it. Enjoy the nip-slip below, and make sure to watch "Entourage" whenever it comes out this month. Maybe the show's producers should have written that on the side of her exposed boob. That would have been a true example of smart-vertising.

New Advertiser Welcome Mat - TFAW

I love everything comics related. So, it only makes sense to me, and that's really the only one it should make sense to, that I partner up with a comics and comic-book related merchandiser in an effort to pull in the "sit around in my underpants while you people click on ads and actually buy stuff so I don't have to go to work everyday" money. So, nerds of the world who are not into all of the clever t-shirt merchandisers I have partnerships with, your time has come. Head on out there to "Things From Another World" (or TFAW for short) and start buying anything from toys, to comics, to graphic novels, to even t-shirts. You know you want to rock that Punisher skull t-shirt in an ironic sort of way. This way, you can put a couple of bucks in my pocket in the process. It's win-win.

Opening Weekend Movies - 4/06/07

Are We Done Yet - Well, this is a title that really applies while watching Ice Cube in the sequel to "Are We There Yet". Which, in it's own right, was the "Citizen Cane" of our generation, dontcha' think? I defy you to go watch this movie this weekend and to not look at your watch and wonder if this movie is done yet.

Firehouse Dog - OK, I don't know if Hollywood got the memo, but it's officially the year of the Pig, not the year of the dog. So, why is this movie, along with the "Underdog" movie coming out? I mean, is there really a demand for canine-fueled movies that have contrived plot points and story lines that would only make sense in the attention deficit disordered mind of a dog? Is Ice Cube also starring in this?

Grindhouse - This is the movie to watch this weekend. I mean, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez working together . . . again? Does lightning strike twice? Apparently yes. I am making a point of watching this on Sunday. The Lord would have wanted it that way. And by "Lord", I mean Danny Trejo, who has a starring role in a fake trailer that is (or should be if the MPAA didn't cut it out) running between "Planet Terror" and "Death Proof". Oh, and this cover of "Rolling Stone" magazine should also entice you to watch.


The Reaping - The only other competition to "Grindhouse" this weekend caters to the fans of religious based "thrillers" and lovers of Karate Kid part 4 stars. Yes, Hillary Swank stars in this movie where the Devil himself (not Sanjaya) haunts the bayous of Louisiana bringing with it plagues and Biblically-flavored oddities for our protagonists to ignore up until the end, when they will find their faith and overcome the forces of evil. Oh, did I spoil the ending? Did you think it was going to end any differently? Is Ice Cube in this one as well?

Die Hard 4 Trailer

Is this movie still called "Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard"? I don't know, there's no mention of it on the trailer. But, there is plenty of mention of different levels of kick-ass-ery all over the place. From getting Timothy Oliphant and Kevin Smith to actually work on another movie, to having the "Mac Guy" Justin Long play the side-kick to John "Yippy-ka-yey Motherfucker" McClane . . . it's almost too much for my eyeballs. Bruce Willis might be old, but with his role in "Grindhouse" this year and this movie coming out, he's proving that advanced age is not slowing him down. To put it bluntly . . . he killed a helicopter with a car because he was out of bullets. People, if this does not make you go watch this movie, then I'm sorry you're in a coma. Everyone else is going to go see this.

Hayden Panettiere Wears See-Through

Hayden Panettiere, aka "The Indestructible Cheerleader" from the show "Heroes" was spotted wearing a see-through dress, but, unlike her Hollywood contemporaries, she was wearing it the right way. With underwear. I don't even know what to say about that. Is it refreshing to see an up and coming starlet not whoring herself out to the media to get Paris Hilton-ish attention. Or, am I disappointed that a nipple see-through is not present. It doesn't really matter. If it was meant to be that the world got to see Hayden Panettiere's nipples, then so be it. The Lord works in mysterious ways. One more picture of Hayden, holding a water bottle, which will positively make your penis, for the first time ever, want to be a water bottle. I know it did that for me. So based on my survey of one, that's a 100% chance that you will experience the same thing. Don't you like statistical based conclusions. This is like the 2004 presidential election all over again. Let the numbers speak! Oh wait . . that one was rigged. Nevermind.

Sideboob-Burg Adjacent - Thurman's on The Wrong Side of the Tracks

Sideboobs are usually from the outer edge of the breast area, not the inner portion, but Uma Thurman likes to keep it on the non-traditional tip as she shows us an inner sideboob view that . . . well, how can I put this . . . some might find attractive and some might not. It's just like her face. Some find it hot and others, like me, wonder just how she keeps getting work in Hollywood. Plus, she stands around like a dinosaur, and I'm not quite fond of dinosaurs in bikinis. And I knew that Tobey Maguire was a bit on the short side, but seriously, that short? They do wonders with special effects these days. One more picture, this time with Thurman bending over, showing you another dimension of sideboob.

"My Humps" Re-Worked

It's been a long time since I've actually liked anything that Alanis Morrisette has done, musically, but this cover of Fergie's "My Humps" is just to great to pass up. And, there's also a video that goes along with it that shows you that Alanis has a pretty fucking great sense of humor. And, even though she kind of looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt crossed with a horse, Alanis looks better than Fergie performing this song. That's just because Fergie looks like a troll that's desperately trying to hide its penis with a tuck-job. We can all agree on that . . . right? Fergie's a pre-op tranny. I mean, that would explain so much. I was looking for the MP3 to have it along with the video so you can rock this cover . . . but I couldn't find it. Wahh . . . .

Party Animal

I had a party in honor of my birthday this past Saturday, and let me tell you, if I remembered everything that happened, it would have marked my most memorable party . . . ever. Oh, you didn't get an invitation? Dude, that's the last time I ever rely on carrier pigeons to deliver my party invites. But, I bet you're wondering what happened. Let me recap what I can remember.

The party started slowly. The Sal showed up at around 4 PM because he wanted to play "Lost Planet: Extreme Condition" on the XBOX 360. Which is fine, we went out to get some Greek food at Daphne's by the old Earthlink offices and then went back home to wait for the other party guests. They started to trickle in at around 8 or 9 pm, I'm not sure. We were not sure who was going to show up and who wasn't, so we planned big. We had bought an enormous bottle of Bacardi at Costco and an equally enormous bottle of cheap Vodka at Trader Joe's. That and assorted juices and soda kept us going through most of the night.

The guests did bring more booze with them. A couple of our friends came with some Dos XX's beer and a very elaborate Tequila gift set, which still remains un-opened in our kitchen. It just looks so fancy it intimidates me.

Enough about the booze talk. We fired up the XBOX 360 and popped in a couple of DVD's of music videos from Spike Jonze, Michel Gondry and Chris Cunningham that kept the TV watchers mesmerized and the minglers entertained. Then, when we were all out of videos, we accessed the hard drive on the 360 and played the stored music. The music player on the 360 has a visualizer that throws out a trippy light show for you which is cool on it's own, but when you've been drinking, it transports you to another dimension. This would have been cool on its own, but I had set up my XBOX Live Vision Camera on top of the TV, and when the light show comes on, if you walk in front of the camera, it captures your image and super-imposes it on the screen as a shadowy figure, so that tripped everyone out when it was first discovered and continued to entertain our guests pretty much for the rest of the night. Yes, our friends are easily entertained.

I laughed a lot, got a lap dance from my wife, and was apparently on fire for a few seconds. Which, btw, marks the first time ever I've caught on fire. I wish I could tell you what happened, but I don't remember much about that time period. All I know is that I was fine and next thing I know my wife's friend is patting my shirt. The shirt is fine though, if you were wondering, and I did not sustain any burns. But there's a picture of me LMAO'ing about it just after it happened. Or at least I think that's what I was laughing at. As I said earlier, I don't quite remember much.

The kickback ended at around 2ish, without a single noise complaint from our neighbors. We don't usually throw big parties, or parties whatsoever, so I guess the figured that this one time they would let it go. I did speak to the cops the morning after, but on a totally unrelated topic. And no, the fuzz was not looking for me.