Optimizing Blog Hits

People; more specifically bloggers, are always looking to increase the readership of their work. Just putting up a blog and writing in it constantly won't get you many readers. Sure, there may be an off chance that a couple of people find your site through a search engine like Google or Yahoo if they know what they're looking for, but for the most part, your blog will go unread. This is where traffic generating websites come into play.

The first one I recommend is Blog Explosion. It's my first recommendation simply due to the fact that they have been around the longest and have the largest user database. They work on a 2:1 ratio, which basically means . . . you visit two blogs for 30 seconds to ensure one 30 second visit to yours. Simple as that. They also have "Mystery Credits" that you can win that range anywhere from two to one hundred, if you're lucky. It's random and extremely rewarding when you hit upon one of these "MC's" as they are called in the site's "Shoutbox", their member chat forum. BE has a few other features that you might find interesting. Blog Rocket is a good way to generate traffic for free. You only have to surf through one blog/day to qualify to use this service. Your blog gets listed with 25 others, and people randomly click on them in seach of MC's. Battle of the Blogs is another way to net fifteen visits to your blog, but it'll cost you 10 credits. It's a bargain if you've got the credits lying around. And if you win the battle, you actually get 15 creds for that 10 cred investment. You can find more information about this service here.

My second recommendation as far as blog-centric traffic generators is Blog Soldiers. They're not as established as BE, but they're getting there. Same format as BE, 2:1 ratio, and the possibility to win bonus credits. The difference lies in the amount of bonus creds that you can net with BS. Their bonus creds are always worth 10 creds, and you can win as many as 5 times per hour (personal experience may vary from user to user). I've personally won about 200 creds in one day surfing casually. Now, BS's blog database is not as large as BE's, so you'll run into the same blogs again and again. The good thing is that you only have to be at the blog for 20 seconds as opposed to the regular 30 second interval with BE. BS also has a pretty great surfing incentive. If you collect all the letters in a word search you get a minimum of 200 creds on the spot. I've gone through 3 levels so far, and the next level I achieve will net me 350 creds. For more information about this service, click here.

The last traffic generator that I use regularly is not a blog specific generator. It's not actually specific at all as to who uses it, so it's easy to get approved. TS25, which stands for Traffic Syndicate 25, is nothing but a raw hit generator that, if used properly, can net you a couple of hundred hits per day while costing you just a couple of hours of casual surfing. They're hit ratio is a little strange, as it's on a 5:1 scale, but you earn 2 creds per 15 second visit. I'm not going to do the math for you, but it's pretty close to the 2:1 ratio . . with only a 15 second visit per site. Also available for winning are bonus credits, and a word search game that I've never completed, so I couldn't tell you what that will get you. What I can tell you is that if you have banner ads that pay on a "per impression" basis, then TS25 will get you just what you need to increase that banner ad revenue. You can find more information about this site here.

Listing your site on Technorati will also net you some visits. They are currently listing 14 million blogs, so you'll be in that gigantic pool of blogs. Their search engine is decent enough that your blog could be easily found by a large readership. Everyone visiting technorati is looking for blogs to read. One great way to stand out in Technorati is if you're being linked by other Technorati users. The more links you have in other people's blogs leading to yours, the higher your rank is. The only way to get linked is if you link others. It's the basic "you scratch my blog, I'll scratch yours" premise. It builds a sense of community. Plus, if you notice someone linking your blog by using the handy "who links to this blog" tool, then it would be a considerate thing to link them back. Not that I've gotten around to linking everyone that links me, but hey, I'm getting to it.

So, there you go. Try those out. You will notice a dramatic change in your blog hits that you can easily keep track off by installing a hit counter in your blog's template. A simple search on google *ahem*check my sidebar*ahem* can get you to a wide variety of free hit counters out there.

Automotive Ouch of The Day

Barbeque's are fun . . Carbeque's, not so much fun. Specially if the grilled meat is yourself. This little crash here looks pretty bad. I have no idea if the two rednecks involved were either killed or just reddened their necks a little extra. And I say rednecks because . . . well, come on, they're Nascar drivers. When was the last time you saw a black Nascar racer? In any case, to stop the hate mail that comment will get me, I have to say that there is nothing wrong with black people racing stock cars. Just like there's nothing wrong with old white guys sporting mullets and handlebar moustaches that play professional basketball. I'm just saying.

2006 World Cup Scoring

Those wacky Germans. They got the World Cup for 2006, which is going to generate a whole lot of tourism. If you're not aware of this, prostitution is legal in certain parts of Germany, so they want to capitalize a bit on this influx of people so much so that a brand spanking new Whore Complex (not the official name, but it's got a nice ring to it) is being built. Details below.

Named after the virgin huntress of Greek mythology, the "Artemis" complex is due to open for business in September with whirlpool, sauna, cinema, buffet restaurant and a staff of 100 prostitutes, mass circulation daily Bild reported. "This is no flash rip-off joint where clients are taken for a ride," a spokesman for the Artemis GmbH investment company behind the project, told the newspaper".

It's nice to know that the Germans are taking pride in their brothels. God knows I love to go to a soccer match and then take a dump on a prostitute's chest, but I never get the chance to because there are no great quality brothels around. When will this country learn. *sighs*

FOX is Dead to Me

Goddamn you Fox. I thought you were turning a new leaf. Getting on the right path, righting the wrongs of the past. But what did you do? You pull the best new show you've had since you cancelled Wonderfalls a couple of years ago. Yeah, The Inside seems to have been killed by the "network executives" over at that sorry excuse of a channel. Why? So they can make room for So You Think You Can Dance. Seriously, Fox, I am officially severing my television viewing relationship as of today. I'll still watch the FX channel and catch airings of Family Guy on Adult Swim, but as far as clicking on your broadcast channel . . no fucking way.

Not only that, but they have decided to bring these two idiots back for a fourth season. Paris and Nicole are back doing their Simple Life thing, where they go and "get" jobs with regular people just like you and me, and then completely fuck up and laugh about it 'cause there are really no monetary ramifications to their actions. They could burn down a bakery and write a check for it. Simple as that. I am glad that Nicole Ritchie is starting to eat a little more and slutting it down a bit. That green turtle neck sweater looks great on . . . what? That's her dog? Oh man, forget what I said.

Fox, kiss my ass.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

From the brilliant mind that brought you Daredevil . . . errr . . ok, God I wish I could start the entry with a straight face and utter those words, but come on, Daredevil was ass. And not some nice ass . . it was man-ass that had been sitting around in pleather pants in the middle of summer . . . in the middle of the mojave desert . . .with a steaming shit warming up the thighs and gooch of said man. I don't know what Marvel is thinking hiring Mark Steven Johnson again. They're letting him make a second movie? Which one? Ghost Rider. At least he's not tackling top tier characters, but seriously, this one feels like the turd in those hot leather pants will just be set on fire and left on the front porch of movie-goers all across the nation.

But, I'll let you decide for yourself. Here's the trailer.You'll need Quicktime 7, which I naturally have after I secured a copy of Tiger from . . . umm . . the Apple Store. Duh. *slick* I'm sure you can download a free version over at Apple.com. Don't worry, it won't break your precious XP. By precious, I mean crappy, I hope you realize this. Maybe Mark Steven Johnson developed XP for Windows. Wouldn't surprise me.

I Finally Win Something

I am not much of a winner when it comes to drawings/raffles/contests/sweepstakes/life, so most of the time, I am not at all surprised that I have lost something. It doesn't deter me from entering my name into whatever contest comes my way. My way of reasoning is that, statistically speaking, I will eventually win something. And so, they day has arrived when Jaime finally gets something for nothing. What is that "something" you ask. Well, it's a prize package that includes a zombie comic book anthology, a low budget zombie movie DVD release, and a copy of a zombie survival guide for that time when the dead begin to rise from their graves craving man-flesh.



It's a price package worth well over 20 bucks. I am giddy with anticipation while I patiently wait for my prize package to arrive. And all I did to win this fabulous price bundle that rivals even the best prices on The Price is Right television program was answer two questions. Where would I hole up during a zombie uprising, and who's brains would I munch on first if I had the chance. Visit CHUD.COM if you want in on some of their fantastic contests. I highly recommend this site for their movie/television coverage. And I'm not just plugging them 'cause they gave me free stuff . . but hey CHUD, it wouldn't hurt if you tried to grease the wheels around here a little bit.

Britons Living in Fear

A new survey was released recently. Apparently, the British are living in the constant fear of . . . wait for it . . . not terrorist attacks. No, something much more insidious and evil. They are living in fear of having their dogs stolen. This is what is concerning them at this point in time. Not suicide bombers, dog-nappers. And who could blame them. Losing your puppy is one of the most heartbreaking of things. I place it right above seeing your grandmother being trampled to death during a stampede of rabbits. Here's a little quote from Reuters:

LONDON (Reuters) - More than a third of British dog owners are worried their pet will be stolen while one in 20 who have lost their four-legged friend think they were victims of thieves, according to a survey Wednesday. Almost half of owners have now had their dog fitted with a microchip because of fears that thieves will strike, the research by Direct Line insurance found.

I can already picture ransome notes written in magazine clippings stating "Give us the cash or we off the pooch". And then the pet parents would send Denzel Washington after the pup-nappers and he'd stick a bomb up their rectums. Hmm . . . I should write this down somewhere and submit it as a script. Hollywood will make anything into a movie these days. And the addition of British accents would make it classier. Like Masterpiece Theater on PBS, but with exploding anuses and packages of severed puppy paws packed in ice.

Conversations With The Sal - Episode IV

01:31PM Me: so, what happened last night biatch
01:31PM The Sal: ohhh that
01:31PM The Sal: well
01:31PM The Sal: fully loaded w/o leather 23 total
01:32PM The Sal: final price
01:32PM Me: not bad
01:32PM The Sal: we bargained up the ass
01:32PM Me: oh no Sal
01:32PM Me: tell me you didn't stoop that low
01:32PM The Sal: ur sad
01:32PM Me: sexual favors to knock off a couple of thousand dollars?
01:32PM The Sal: lol
01:32PM Me: and up the ass?? how is it that you're sitting comfortably now?
01:33PM The Sal: lol
01:33PM Me: do you have one of those butt-donuts?
01:33PM The Sal: your terrible man
01:33PM The Sal: what
01:33PM Me: why do you have to go back tonight?
01:33PM The Sal: never heard of me
01:33PM The Sal: em
01:33PM The Sal: well they didnt have the car at that dealer
01:33PM Me: oh no . .don't tell me you've developed a taste for "bargaining up the ass"
01:33PM The Sal: but we did numbers anyway
01:33PM The Sal: lol
01:33PM The Sal: no man
01:34PM Me: this is this week's installment of "Conversations With The Sal"
01:34PM Me: Episode 4
01:34PM The Sal: so they told me that they would have the car ready to go at 7
01:34PM The Sal: no man
01:34PM The Sal: so well see
01:34PM Me: well, that's good. congratulations, how much are the monthly pymts?
01:35PM The Sal: everything looks ok so if they start tellin me different the deals off
01:35PM The Sal: *amount with held by request of The Sal "Can you not tell everyone" - The Sal*
01:35PM The Sal: ya i know
01:35PM The Sal: thats with nothing down
01:36PM The Sal: ohhh man

The Sal just had to go out and buy himself a new car. And not only a new ride, but the model above mine. He's also paying much more per month than I am. His monthly payments are about 1 1/2 of mine. Well, if he can afford it, then more power to him. Congratulations on your new ride buddy. Next time, you drive.

Simpson "Doh!"'s Her Way Through Song

At least that's what I think she's doing through the entirety of the "These Boots Were Made For Walking" cover she's got out right now. It could all be laughed at and dismissed as a marketing tie-in for the Dukes of Hazzard movie, but as I sat there perplexed by what was coming out of her mouth, I just couldn't help but wondering if she had a touch of the Down Syndrome. You would have needed subtitles to understand what the hell she was saying. I even checked the guide button on my cable to see if I had stumbled upon a Lithuanian cable channel that had dubbed over Jessica's voice.

The "Southern Drawl" can be cute at times, sure. If used sparringly. But she just layers it on and on and on and suddenly it's like she's speaking Pig Latin. And let me tell you what also is not cute Jessica Simpson. Acting like a mildly retarded twelve year old girl. Stop that.

Early Morning Ouch

Like the pain in the head from a hangover early in the morning, or you just waking up the day after working out for the first time in years, the "Ouch" comes around today to assault you with a visual representation of pain and humiliation. Case in point, this diver here. She trains for hours a day, puts her social life on hold, and then pulls a Greg Luganis and smashes her face into the diving board during some big time tournament. Or whatever those things are called. I prefer "Dive-off". It's sorta like jack-off . . . and I can only associate good things with the latter. I don't think I need to post the "after" picture. You can form a pretty good mental image of the end-result. She made a big splash on her way into the water. I'm sure the judges did not like that.

Jessica Alba Sad

Jessica Alba is a little upset about being typecast. And here I thought that her getting the part of a brilliant scientist that could disappear at will was a stretch. Apparently this is what she has to say about it.

"The scripts I get are always for the whore, or the motorcycle chick in leather, or the horny maid. I get all these screenplays that start, 'Tawnya is in the shower. The water streams down her naked perky breasts. I don't think that is happening to Natalie Portman."

For starters Jessica, Natalie Portman acts. She actually takes the effort to act. And you have to take a look at her breakout performance in The Professional. She was only 13 or so when she was in that. What were you doing when you were 13 . . . that horrible Flipper remake show that played on Saturdays at noon in the early 90's? Not that I didn't enjoy that show. And your star making role in Idle Hands? The only reason anyone hired you after that was because of that angel costume that was just you in some lingerie with angel wings attached. Stick to what you know Alba. Looking hot. And for crying outloud . . show a little boobie from time to time.

Animal Ouch of The Day

It's often that we can see people making an ass out of themselves. But how often can you see a bull doing a headstand unintentionally? Yeah, not that often. This poor animal not only just made a fool of itself, it also happened to do this during its last moments of life. What a way to go out. He probably got to Bull Heaven and all the other now-winged bulls and cows just must have made the after-life miserable for the poor bull. "Hey, it's the bovine that exposed his junk during a bull fight, what a tool". Oh well, at least the crowd at the bullfight got a laugh out of it. Oh Toro, you're such a comedian.

Sienna Miller Makes Out With Chick

Sienna Miller, whom you know as Jude Law's pissed off fiancee, was caught making out with a chick at some event. The chick in question . . none other than Orlando Bloom. Wait, what was that? That's a he? How come every movie I've seen "him" on he's a raging pussy? And that poster I have of "him" over my bed . . . what am I going to do about that? Anyway, here's the quote:

"They spent ages cuddling, kissing and gazing at each other. There was real chemistry," one witness said. Another guest at the event added, "They talked for ages but Sienna jumped off his lap pretty sharpish as she could feel everyone staring at them. She gave him her number and they arranged to meet again, away from prying eyes. She then left with her friends but looked sad to be going. She kept turning around to say goodbye to him."

Why is Sienna Miller going around kissing Orlando Blooms when she's got a perfectly good Jude Law at home? Well, if you hadn't heard, the Law had been banging the nanny for quite some time now. He actually had asked the nanny to be in a threesome with Miller. Now, I don't know what the nanny looks like, but if Jude Law's banging her, I'd like to hire her for when I have a child. I've always wanted to have the "good" threesome. Don't ask me about the "bad" threesome. I don't talk about that.

The Black Beauty

Yes, I know, picture intensive. All the dial-up modem'ers are cursing me to high holy hell right now. But, what can I say, it's my current obsession. If gasoline weren't so damn expensive, I'd be driving this little lady much more often. I've got her for the next five years though . . . that's the term of the loan.

Ricki Martin: Arab Ambassador Of Peace

I don't know who Ricki Martin thinks he is. Maybe he's still clinging to a vestige of fame from about 7 years ago, when at least one person gave a damn about his shaking hips. But these days? Are we at all concerned about what he's got to say? Unless it's along the lines of "You're burrito is ready sir, would you like some chips and salsa along with that?", I don't care. So where does he get off thinking that someone is going to care about what his views on the middle east are?

"I promise I will become a spokesperson, if you allow me to, a spokesperson on your behalf. I will defend you and try to get rid of any stereotypes," he told Arab teenagers attending a youth conference. "I have been a victim of stereotypes. I come from Latin America and to some countries, we are considered 'losers,' drug traffickers, and that is not fair because that is generalizing."

Yes, a whole lot of good he will do trying to sway public sentiment with his rendition of "She Bangs" and then segueing into a plea for arabian tolerance. I can see this working extremely well. Heck, he could have his backup dancers all dressed up as harem girls and point at them and say "See! They're not all terrorists! They have whores too!!"

Britney Spears Explodes In September

I'm not sure if I've ever seen a more horrible looking pregnant woman. The fact that she sluts it up wherever she goes adds a little "gag-factor" to the whole thing that makes me grimace with pain. Yes, pain. My eyes hurt everytime I see a picture of the Britney Spears of the present . . . as I have fond memories of watching the Britney Spears of the past in her music videos . . . with the sound off . . . and the sheets pulled up to my neck.

Anyway, Jamie Lynn Spears . . .the mini-Britney, has stated in her official website that her sister is due in September. Looking at the size of her, I'd like it if they took the cautious road and maybe extracted the baby hippo she's gestating a few weeks early. I don't even know how stretched out things "down there" will be after she passes the Battlestar Galactica through her vagina. Maybe they're having a litter of five kids, so they can get the whole hillbilly multiple children all in one shot. That would seem like the sensible thing to do if you're asking for my opinion.

So, expect to be watching the MTV special on "Britney's Baby" around October. You know she will assault our senses with that. Will we be able to handle her "truth"? Will the world go on after we learn what childbirth is really like from the fountain of virtue, information, and wisdom that is Britney Spears. You'll have to stay tuned to find out.

Make sure you have a loaded .357 Magnum in case you can't.

Insured

I had liability insurance for my old car. I didn't need collision/comprehensive/bend you over and do you raw in the asshole insurance because my car was a piece of crap and I did not care if it had a few dings and dents. That all ends as of today. The dealership informed me that I absolutely had to have the high-end insurance package or my monthly payments would sky-rocket. As they are now, they are just within my budget by a few pennies. The state of California only requires liability, but the lending bank is a little more nervous about my purchase. Not like I've crashed a car . . . in the past 3 years. Teehee.

So anyway, I was forced to wake up early and contact my insurance carrier today. I had to do it today because apparently, there is no one available to make any changes to a policy during the weekend. It was quite funny trying to see the dealer call my insurance company after I told him that I could not get a hold of them. He, somewhat flustered, said "No way, give me the telephone number, I'll call". He was a nice guy overall, but he just didn't know that some insurance companies blow goats. Actually, they all blow some sort of farm animal or another. My particular one loves the goat cock.

I called them today though, reluctantly, already knowing that my insurance would shoot up a considerable amount of cash. I sat on hold for 20 minutes, on my cellphone, because my home phone's battery just decided to crap out on me. Whatever, I have enough minutes on my plan to absorb the call. After all was said and done, my insurance is now double what it used to be. I am SO happy about that. I hope they can read this so they can detect the palpable sarcasm in that last sentence. They were nice enough to let me pay what the bill says currently, and they would send me a courtesy invoice for the pro-rated balance. I'd like to shove that balance right up their sphincters.

But, on the positive, my new lil' automotive baby is covered. Let's just hope I don't have to ever ever ever file a claim on it. I need to find some wood to knock on. *Looks down at crotch* . . . . No . . not at work.

The Reason I Was Busy Today

Ain't she a beauty? I was at the Mazda dealership for 4 agonizingly long hours today. The end result was this, but in black. It rides like a dream, and I was able to secure it with no out of pocket expense. It will just add $17 to my monthly car bill, and it surely is a lot better than the old beat up Focus I was driving. Overall, I'm content with this particular car buying experience. I was not able to get one of those fancy "Employee Price" and/or cashback incentives on this model. I was able to use my shitty job to knock off about a grand off the price due to some partnership between Mazda and where I work, and with my car as a trade-in that took care of the remaining balance on my old loan plus putting down a nice down payment, I was out of there 240 minutes later.

Anarchistic Mooninite Desires

I'm joining The Sal in his anarchistic, anti-establishment, pro-"fuck work" stance and dedicating this to all the supervisors, managers, and in general everyone that makes more money than we do. In the work related totem pole, we're pretty low. So this is directed towards a lot of people. And I hope they can see it, because I'm blogging it as hard as I can.

The Ouch Returneth

Gone, but never forgotten, the "Ouch" makes its triumphant return, and what a return it is. Three . . not just one . . but three idiots doing unspeakable things to their faces for the sake of . . . religion? The asians are a little fanatical when it comes to their beliefs sometimes. In the Phillipines, there's a guy that recreates the carrying of the cross by Jesus and ends the day with a nice cruxifiction. Not my idea of a great day, but different strokes for different folks right. It just so happens that guy likes the stroke of a bullwhip across his back.

These guys are not likely Christian. I have seen specials on the Discovery Channel about these Buddhists (I think) that rev themselves up into a sort of trance and then pierce their bodies with needles of varrying gauges. I guess it doesn't stop at needles as Mr Goodwrench at the bottom can attest to. All I have to say about this is . . . don't stick foreign objects through your skin to please whatever religious denomination you belong to praises. I'm sure that God doesn't want you to. He/she/it is just content with you not being an evil person and devoting your life to good. Like shooting animal porno and taking pictures of your sisters while they're taking a dump. That sort of stuff.

Hermione Is Hot

I should rephrase that . . . the actress (or actor, I've seen it referred to as both) playing Hermione in the Harry Potter movies is becoming hot. I'm pretty sure her name's Emma Watson, and I know there are perverts out there that probably have tons of pictures of this girl stashed in their hard drives. You know the kind. The ones photoshopped of her head on some naked chick's body. Or Daniel Radcliffe's (Harry Potter) head on some naked chick's body . . . wait . . . Let's get back on track here.

I think when this girl hits 18, she should do the inevitable Maxim layout. Or Stuff if she's slumming it. Just think about it. Her, in some sort of skimpy witch costume. Holding a broom in some sort of sexually suggestive manner. You know she's bound to do that just to get money to pay for her eventual heroin addiction. These child actors always turn bad. Let's just hope she doesn't go the Dana Plato route and try to hold up a 7-11.

CGI'd Smurfs

I don't know if Paramount Studios finally ran out of old movies to re-make. Their Nickelodeon branch is remaking the Smurfs into a big CGI fanfare . . . and making 3 of them. A trilogy of Smurf movies, set to debut in theaters 3 years from now (how adequate). I know CGI is big these days. Everyone wants to ride the Pixar gravy train. But the Smurfs? And a trilogy?? Isn't that child abuse?

Although, I do hope they work on Smurfette's appearance a little. If they could give her a Jessica Rabbit makeover. Just picture it. Tall blue curvaceous chick with a tiny little white mini-skirt on and no friggin top. . . rawr. That'd be enough to send Papa Smurf running for his heart meds. Being that it will be a Nickelodeon movie, they probably will make her look like Rosie O'Donnell . . but less retarded.

So, if you don't like your kids, take them to the Smurf movie in 2008. Just make sure they don't call child services on you afterwards.

Blossoming Blog Addiction

I seem to be spending more and more time working on this blog. Adding things, securing advertising, posting, surfing other blogs for credits on two traffic generating sites in an effort to bring more people here, if anything for a fleeting 20 to 30 seconds depending on the service. This is starting to consume most of the time I have online during the day, and let me tell you . . it's a solid 9 hours. So, between bloggin, and surfing, and researching new ad sites . . . if you add up all the time spent doing that in the past week, I've probably invested close to 50 hours just doing this. That's 10 more hours at my regular 10-7 job.

Could blogging and blog related activities be taking over my life? Is it something that I will eventually just drop or am I in for the long haul. Is there a BA (Blogaholics Annonymous) that holds meetings that I can attend to? And if so, are these meetings in some sort of a chatroom or forum? So many questions.

The blog-cession (that's blog and obcession put together . . . for the Special Ed folks) is starting to manifest itself in my daily goings-on. Everything I do, see, talk about, or even dream has me thinking of how I can blog about it. What spin will I put on it. Will it be a funny blog or a serious one. Is this something everyone else experiences? Or is my mild OCD just found it's new pet project. So many questions. Anyone have any answers?

Paypopup.com Reverses Judgement

I had shot off an e-mail to www.paypopup.com about what exactly met their criteria. I was just curious, and had already made up my mind that I was not going to deal with them. This is what their first e-mail looked like.

2005-07-20 10:31:36
Thanks for your interest in PayPopUp.com. Our review team was unable to approve your site for hosting our ads. This certainly does not mean that there is any problem with your site, but it did not meet the standards of the criteria we use in assessing sites. However, I would like to recommend . . .

and then they go on and recommend another site for the pop-under stuff. I replied with this:

2005-07-20 11:29:04

just what is the criteria? was there not enough impressions on the first day? is the minnimum 200? please explain and let me know what is going to be done about the 17 cents that was generated. is that just going to go away or will it be payed out to me with the cancellation of my account.

I just wanted to know if I would be getting my precious 17 cents from them. I have bills to pay alright, every little helps. This is what they countered with:

Hi Jaime,
Thanks for your reply. Your site has been re-reviewed and it's now approved.
Regards,
Jackie

Ok, weird. I guess I'll still use them. But I won't be adding their code to my template until later today. Let them wait.

Simpson Yearns to Adopt

Adopting third world country orphans is all the rage these days. Just look at Angelina Jolie and the new addition to her "family". Jessica Simpson doesn't want to be left behind on the whole adopta-child craze, and this is what she had to say about it.

"That's what I wanted for my birthday but I couldn't legally get a baby across the Mexican border," she said. She also hinted that she might adopt, saying, "I'll end up doing something which will touch somebody in some way that's good... through orphanages."

I'm pretty sure The Sal would love to be adopted by Jessica Simpson. He's mexican, he's tiny like a baby, and it looks like he wouldn't mind breast-feeding from those bossoms. Don't tell him that for a woman to lactate, she actually needs to go through child-birth . . . that'll just kill his fantasy. I'll pick you up a box of pampers and fill out the application buddy. You can thank me later.

A Milestone

I have reached a milestone for my "Blogs Are For Wusses" blog. The last post was my 100th blog post of, I'm sure, unnecessary sillyness. This site has also received over 4500 hits in the past month since I added the hit counter. So that's another pat on the back. about 2700 of those hits were generated by Blogexplosion.com, I'd like to thank them for the traffic, and flip them the finger behind their back for denying my other blog. But hey, it's all water under the bridge. Water that, I wish, would drown one or two of their admins.

What new blog am I speaking about. You can find it on my link list. It's the one titled "Did You Hear That?". It was picked up by Blogsoldiers.com today for traffic rotation, so I'm sure it'll do just fine on that site. I've also moved my adsense ads to that site, since I was not aware that google had an anti-other ad programs on the same page policy. Google, your ads are the only ones I'm running there. You can have a monopoly on the ads there. Please visit both this and my new site often. I like to post daily, so don't miss out.

And thank you. Even if it's the 30 second visit, I appreciate it.

Colin Farrel Gets Restraining Order

Farrel has gotten a restraining order on that Narain chick who's trying to circulate the sex tape they shot together. I don't know why? If I were rich, single, and persued by tons of women worldwide, I'd let it get out. If only to get some free sex advertising. Just look at what it did for Paris Hilton. I wonder why he would not want it to get out. Maybe she pulled out a strap-on on him and made him her bitch for the night. Or maybe it's the fact that it's only 15 minutes long. A hot "stud" like him might not want it known that he can't last more than a quarter of an hour. Myself, I can last that long . . . if you add up all the times that I've ever had sex before. Ha! Kidding. Everyone knows I get more tail that I know what to do with it. And no, you can not see the sex tape I shot with the girl that performed for us in exchange for chinese food.

Alba Not Crazy, Still Pretty

Jessica Alba has been quoted saying that actors using their relationships to drum up movie business is akin to prostitution. She is directly referrencing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes if you're not abreast (haha, I said breast) of the current "it" couple. The newest scientology zombie couple skyrocketed both the box office numbers of their respective movies, Batman Begins and War of the Worlds. Both movies that I watched, and I enjoyed Holmes' nipples' performance, but she herself wasn't a great part of the cast. Cruise I'm guessing was just happy to have a co-star that wasn't taller than him.

But back to Alba, who also said does not date actors. The crew of the films she works on, that's ok though. I think she's going out with a Unit Director, of the the Grip, or the Boom Operator . . wink wink. It's good to know she'll throw a bone to the occasional poor schlub. I just hope she doesn't wear those earings all the time. It looks like a couple of horse teeth hanging from her ear lobes. Those things are big enough to be hearing aids. . . yeah, I said hearing aids. I don't have adsense on this page anymore. I think she might have a couple of Hillary Duff's porcelain veneers made into earings.

Cameron Diaz Forged Signature

When is it that celebrities or anyone in the limelight will fully accept responsibility for their past actions. Apparently some forensic investigator that specializes in handwriting is saying that the signature on the release for the topless pictures she took some 13 years ago was forged. I know how much handwriting can change. Mine was considerably different when I was 13 than what it looks like know. I know that Cameron might have been 19 and her writing style might have been a little more established by then, but if you looked at a sample of my handwriting from just 5 years ago when I was 21, you would find a radically different handwriting style. This whole forged signature thing does not hold any water with me. Diaz should just admit that she did things for money when she was young that she is not all that proud of. Everyone does it. It's not like the video of her doing that donkey that we shot together last weekend has leaked out into the media . . . er . . . I mean . . . disregard that last comment.

Pamela Anderson Makes More Bad Choices

Pamela is not the smartest woman on the face of the planet. I think we can all agree on that. We can also agree that she really does not know how to pick projects. If you've ever had to endure sitting through a whole episode of Stacked or Striperella, then you know what I mean. So, it should come as no surprise that she has decided to remarry Tommy Lee. Yes, the guy that can steer a boat with his penis. I guess that's all you need to do to be able to impress Ms Anderson. Her children must be proud of daddy. They must also be proud that their daddy used to beat their mommy. There is one clear reason why Tommy Lee would want to get Pam back . . well, a couple of reasons actually. Here's photographic evidence of what I'm sure he's after.

Not bad for a punching bag I'd say.

Horse-Toothed Hillary

What led the Duffster to make this dental decission is unknown to me. Maybe she was hopped up on nitrous during her last visit to the dentist. In any case, she recently went on the Jay Leno show (which I don't watch) to promote something or other . . . more Disney dribble I'm guessing, and is reported to have had a hard time talking due to the fact that she had a complete toilet (or urinal if you're into that kind of stuff) installed in her mouth. Those porcelain (your toilet's made out of the same thing . .get it, haha) veneers are humongous, and I think I would have tuned in to watch the particular episode just to see her drooling all over the set and Leno's giant chin. Maybe her teeth and Leno's chin could have duked it out like in the old Godzilla movies. They would have tore up Burbank with the intensity of their battle. I would consider paying money to see that. Anyway, here's a before:

and after:

Maybe she's thinking about replacing Eddie Murphy for the role of Donkey in the Shrek 3 movie. Nobody tell her it's a CG movie, I'm dying to read about her audition in a full on donkey outfit. And no, that's not a sexual fantasy of mine . . . yet.

Phishing

I received an e-mail notification from "my bank" claiming that I had exceeded the number of failed attempts to access my account with them. This might have led me to try to resolve the problem . . . if only the phishers had actually used the correct bank when they sent me the e-mail.



Online Security Notification

Dear LaSalle Bank Member,

To prevent unauthorized access to your LaSalle Internet Banking account, we have limited the number of failed login attempts. You have exceeded this number of attempts.

As an additional security measure your access to Online Banking has been limited.

Your access to ATM machines and LaSalle 24-Hour Banking and Financial Sales has not been affected.

To restore your account access, please follow the link below:

https://onlinebanking.banklasalle.ca/

Thank you for using LaSalle Bank.

I don't use "LaSalle Bank". I have never even heard of them. After reading this, I immediately sent out a phisher notification to gmail. This is the first time I've ever been targeted by these assholes, but I've heard stories of this happening all the time. I'm in the finance department for an ISP, so I make countless amounts of calls to people who's auto-payments decline due to a change in credit/debit/checking account being changed. This is one of the main reasons they have to change all their information. Because they were dumb enough to fall for this ruse.

SFC Issue

I've got an SFC at home. In case you're not familiar with the accronym (since I just made it up, keep up yo), that's a Sexually Frustrated Canine. A horny dog if you will. A Basset humping machine. Well, I might be exaggerating a little there. I hadn't noticed this issue up until yesterday evening, when I was sitting out in the back porch with him, and he decided to seduce his bed.

Yeah. His bed. I don't know if he's just too lazy to jump up on a leg or maybe he just likes the feel of something soft against his puppy penis . . but he just went at it. I am at a loss at what triggered this reaction from him. One minute, we were sitting next to each other. I was petting his head (hey! not that head, perverts)like always, and then he bunched up his bedding and played hide the sausage with it.

The look on his face was priceless. I don't know if I gave him a case of performance anxiety as I sat there, laughing my ass off at him. I felt a little bad that I had interrupted this little action of his. I don't usually like an audience when my wife and I are being intimate . . . so the Squisher might not have enjoyed that part. But it's not like he gave me fair warning that he was going to get it on with with his bed. I would have lit some candles for him, put a little Al Green on the iTunes for him, and then left him alone with his bed-shaped "lady friend".

But hey, I needed the laugh. Maybe he sensed that with some sort of canine 6th mood sense. I had been feeling pretty down during my wife's absence, and I can't wait to write to her about this. She's going to laugh so hard.

Yawn-tastic Four

The Sal and I went to check out the Fantastic Four movie today. We had time to kill after the great time we had at the shooting range and the AMC was just over the highway. Nothing much else out, so we bit the bullet and plunked down for our matinee priced tickets. You know how they say that you have to experience the bad to appreciate the good? Well, it applies to movies as well. This was a BAD movie, and that's not slang for good, it was awful.

I had terrible expectations going in. Review after review I had read at the geek sites I frequent had tore this film a new asshole, and even the ones that liked the film, mentioned some terrible flaws in plot, acting, directing, ect. I think I would have had a better time watching Herbie Fully Loaded rather than this piece of crap movie. So, what was so bad? Let me tell you.

Jessica Alba can't act for crap. She's a pretty face, with a killer body, but that's it. It was not worth the 8 bucks to see her in bra and panties for 3 seconds. Her line delivery is laughable, she can't emote for shit . . . and we're supposed to suspend disbelief for 2 hours and accept that she's a brilliant scientist? The only thing she said throughout the whole movie that was even remotely scientific was to the reporters, and I think that was along the lines of "We know as much as you folks do, and that's not much regarding our current condition".

Ioan Gruffudd, who played Mr Fantastic should have been renamed Mr Dullard. What a total bore. Nowhere did an ounce of brilliance shine through in his performance. I was expecting a little more, for him to truly act like a genius. I think there were smarter geeks in that WB "social experiment" Beauty and the Geek. Richard from that show would have made a better Mr. Fantastic. And great use of the powers guys . . . the writers of this crap had him stretch out to . . . . write on a chalkboard . . . oooh, that is Fantastic, oh but it gets better. They also had him stretch to, and I shit you not, grab an extra roll of toilet paper. I want to know just exactly who it was that came up with this idea. I need to slap him/her/it across the face with a sock full of quarters.

Julian McMahon is wasted here. He is great in Nip/Tuck playing a slimy plastic surgeon. Here, he is generic villian #4556. The rich one that has his company pulled out from under him by the board of directors which leads him to exact his revenge on them, and also place blame on his transformation on someone other than himself. Sound a little familiar? Maybe the people responsible for this had just finished watching Spider-Man . . . 'cause it sounds awfully familiar to the origin of the Green Goblin. That's not all they steal from Spider-Man . . as Victor Von Doom now has Electro's power. Electro being one of Spider-Man's regular villians. And let's not get into the fact that they botched Von Doom's backstory.

The straw that broke this camel's back though was the Thing, played by Micheal Chiklis. The Commish did a pretty good job of playing Ben Grimm . . . but he was stuck in that costume. That foamy orange turd. I swear, the Thing in this movie looks exactly like the shit I took after a week of eating only carrots. A small nitpicky thing that caught my eye . . . if a character is made out of solid rock . . don't have the costume show foamy wrinkles. ROCK DOES NOT WRINKLE! At least no rock that I've ever come across. The Thing should have been a prosthetic CG blend . . . oh well. He did look ok in the hat and trenchcoat.

The only thing that brought a chuckle and a half to the whole viewing experience was the interaction between the Human Torch and the Thing. They nailed that constant bickering and practical joking nature that those characters have in the comic. Chris Evans is convincingly cocky enough to play Johnny Storm and it looks like the bulk of the FX budget went to the "Flame On" effect. It looked great. All the other powers got short-changed in favor of this one.

The climax of a movie should hold a person's interest throughout the whole final act. This was the big action set-piece, the heroes coming together to defeat the villian. I dozed off three times. It was the most boring action scene ever. Heck, I'd actually like to call it an in-action scene. This Marvel property got the short end of the stick. What else could one expect from the director of Barbershop and Taxi. I'm surprised he didn't lobby for Queen Latifah to play the Thing. She wouldn't have needed the rubber suit.

All in all . . . a terrible movie. Avoid this like the plauge. I know it made some bank on it's opening weekend, something like 58 million, but I'm expecting a huge drop-off for this weekend in revenue. I'm going to say it makes 10 million this weekend, and then disappears. And I damn well hope it does not make it's money back for production costs and marketing. Avi Arad over at Marvel needs a kick in the pants. Something to wake him up from the buzz he's riding after the immense hits the X-Men and Spider-Man franchises have been so far. Otherwise, this crap-ass Marvel comics movies trend will continue and DC will no longer be the laughing stock of the comic movie adaptation.

iTunes Soundtrack for this entry:
Thrills - LCD Soundsystem
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) - The Arcade Fire
Better Than Most - A.C. Newman
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Haiti - The Arcade Fire
Rhyme the Rhyme Well - Beastie Boys
Rock N' Roll Suicide - Seu Jorge
Bombs Away - Paris Texas
The Backseat - The Arcade Fire
Beequeen - Styrofoam
Tribulations - LCD Soundsystem
No No No - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Aguas - Cartoon Network

Shave'A Portman

When you hear or read the words "Shaved Natalie Portman", thoughts of her finally agreeing to do a nude pictorial must spring to mind. I mean, come on, she's damn cute. So cute in fact that my wife would, without hesitation, make out with her . . . and I'm probably thinking it would not stop at that. So, looking at these pics taken at the San Diego Comic-Con (courtesy of Aint It Cool News dot com) are a bit jarring.

Sure, she still looks like Natalie Portman, but now she looks like she's Ripley's bunkmate from the Alien 3 movie. Or G.I. Jane's little sister. I wonder if she hums the Sinead O'Connor song from the early nineties while she's going about her daily business. I've never been down with the bald chick fad, it just doesn't float my boat, tickle my fancy, whatever. But, hair grows out, and she did do this for a movie: V for Vendetta. So, you could say she's really dedicated to her craft. I'll just go watch that bra and panties scene from Garden State over and over again while her hair grows out.

Conversations with The Sal - Episode III

05:00PM The Sal: you know that all americans are being shown as nazis
05:00PM The Sal: because of GWB
05:00PM Me: yes, i know
05:00PM The Sal: see the sad part is i had to fight under him
05:01PM Me: :O
05:01PM The Sal: go figure man
05:01PM Me: what kind of position was that?
05:01PM Me: oh wait . . . not physically under him
05:01PM The Sal: lo0l
05:01PM The Sal: ur too sad
05:01PM Me: well . . he is your Commander in Chief
05:01PM Me: you have to do as he orders
05:01PM The Sal: i guess
05:01PM The Sal: but it just pisses me off
05:02PM Me: and if he tells you to bend over and hand him the lube
05:02PM The Sal: just like so many others
05:02PM The Sal: no man
05:02PM The Sal: no
05:02PM The Sal: no
05:02PM Me: what're you gonna do?
05:02PM The Sal: no
05:02PM The Sal: no
05:02PM The Sal: no
05:04PM Me: don't ask don't tell huh

I knew The Sal loved his country, and that he is a patriot, but this is a little much. In a way though, GW Bush is screwing the whole country in the ass right now. With his Social Security reforms, tax cuts/rebates for the rich, war on two fronts, and inability to pronounce "nuclear", I bet you this country doesn't make it past 2007 without some sort of a large scale tragedy.

Drunk of the Week

I don't know what I find to be more disgusting . . . is it the chunky looking vomit? Or the fact that the couch that she's laying matches the vomit with it's pattern. Who the hell picked up that couch anyway? I think she's doing it a service by vomiting on it. Everyone who visits the house upon where this couch resides should projectile vomit on the damn thing as soon as they lay eyes on it. It would only improve the look of the wretched thing. I've seen couches sitting on the side of the street that have been sleeped/urinated on by bums that I would prefer having in my own house rather than this furniture monstrosity.

Noticed the Sky

On the way home from work, to my empty house, I noticed quite possibly for the first time, how beautiful the sun looked on an overcast day. How the sunbeams pushed on through the openings in the clouds, and how that image would have put a smile on Heather's face from ear to ear. She loves those kinds of things, and I imagined her sitting there, smiling that adorable smile of hers, clapping her hands in an almost child-like glee.

It hasn't even been 24 hours since she checked in. Already I'm seeing things that she would have enjoyed. As I turned the key on the lock of my front door, I remember how she would have rushed towards me and jumped on me, wrapping her legs around me and showering me with kisses. I miss coming home to that. The more I think about it, the harder it is to deal with the absence.

I will drown my sorrow with Halo 2 tonight. Even doing that will remind me of how she would call me a nerd and scoff while rolling her eyes. Those blue eyes of hers. I wil miss her trash talking, laughing when I get killed by an opponent. How she would storm off when I asked her to stop. I'll even miss that.

*Soundtrack for this entry (never anything specific, just what's on iTunes when I type at home):
Pacific Theme - Broken Social Scene
PDA - Interpol
Blue Light - Bloc Party
Each Coming Night - Iron And Wine

Ouch of The Day (7/14/05)

This is how I feel right now. Nothing witty or humorous. No jabs at Nascar or it's fans. The Ouch of The Day is just a graphical representation of the way I am feeling at this particular period in my life. Don't worry, I'll get back to posting pictures of celebrities and making fun of them in due time.

Seeing Her Go

I thought I would be tougher. It's just a month before I can talk to her again. Not a big deal, but as I saw her pull away in the passenger's seat of her father's red pick-up truck, I had to choke back some tears. I know this is going to lead her in the right path. It's the right thing to do, the way she was living her life might very well have ended up in her not being with me much longer anyway. She was not happy. Nothing I could do for her would change that.

She needs this I keep telling myself. Time away so that she can get away from that shit that's destroying her life. Time away from all the temptations, bad influences and wrong choices. I'll be able to talk to her in about a month, that's 1/12 of a year, 30 days, not an eternity. It will feel like one though. Sleeping alone, eating alone, walking the dog alone, living alone.

There are meetings for people like me. People dealing with the same hardship. Seeing a loved one do this to themselves. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go to one. And if I do, I'm pretty sure I will keep to myself. Not share this pain with anyone. I think I will be living a somewhat hermit-ish life for the short term but forseeable future. Just me and the Squisher.

When she returns, she might be a changed woman. Different from the way she is now. Feeling a lot better about herself, her outlook on life, with a newfound positive attitude, and ready to continue our existance together. At least I hope so. There's nothing that I want more than to see her happy. To see her kick the habit. To see her.

Look at me, emotionally dumping on you people. Fuck it. It's my blog. I can do whatever I want in here. If I come across as a wuss, it is my right to do so. Besides, look at the title on this thing. I fit right in. 30 days man . . .

I miss my wife.

*Music I listened to while coming up with this entry:
Changes Are No Good - The Stills
Untitled 2 - Sigur Ros
Sleeping Pills - Her Space Holiday
Getaway - Stereophonics
Not Even Jail - Interpol

Ouch of The Day (7/13/05)

I remember playing full contact, no pads, full on tripping and punching football back in the middle school. I would come home afterwards with a torn school uniform and grass stains on my white shirt, only to get in trouble and sent to my room to work on my homework. It was fun then, but growing up, and viewing it in retrospect, I was a bastard. My mother had to clean up, mend, and make sure those uniforms would be ok to use the next day so that I didn't look like a savage when I went to the private school the next day. That woman's a saint I tell you.

Anyway, this is what our recess football games usually looked like, but with grey long pants and white short-sleeved shirts . . . with green grass stains mixed in with the occassional light brown dirt stains. And it was not such a racially charged tackle either. Those guys in the white uniforms might as well be wearing white hoods as part of their get up. Oh well.

Tarnished Glitter

I don't know what frame of mind Mariah Carey was in when she made the claim below regarding the dismal business her film debut "Glitter" managed to drum up.

“I released it around September 11, 2001,” the singer told Swiss newspaper Sonntags Zeitung as translated on fan site MariahDaily. “The talk shows needed something to distract from 9/11. I became a punching bag. I was so successful that they tore me down because my album was at number 2 instead of number 1. The media was laughing at me and attacked me.”

Wait, what?? The movie Glitter was actually good? And the only reason it grossed just about half of it's production cost was because the terrorists attacked the World Trade Center? Had all the people that perished that day been intending on watching your movie, and their plans were interrupted by dying? It all makes sense now.

Cheating?

I was having a good time on X Box Live last night (Halo 2 is my poison, what's yours?), blowing off some steam on Rumble Preview ('cause I bought the new maps biatches) when out of the blue (Canada actually) someone flat out accuses me of cheating. They go on to say "You stupid idiot, you're the host, and you're using the stand-by. I'm sending feedback".

Now, I know I was definitely not cheating for a few simple reasons. I am not stupid enough to light up the Bungie network with a stupid cheat like hitting the stand-by button on a cable modem. I also hate cheaters, absolutely abhor them as they ruin the Live experience. I also don't want to get banned, since Live subscriptions don't come cheap. And last, but not least, I wasn't even within arm's distance from the modem . . . which may or may not have a stand by button. I don't know, I've never even thought about performing the cheat.

So this Canadian is accusing me of cheating? Why? I think it's because I got a hold of the Plasma Sword and started to make short work of the other 7 opponents. Seriously, the sword is one of the most effective weapons in Halo 2. Maybe he felt uncomfortable that I was steadily creeping up on his lead (I must have gotten a killing spree in about a minute). All I know is that he vowed to leave me cheating feedback. I hope he did, because I left harrassment feedback on his ass. He ended up winning the match, so I don't know why he continued to call me a cheater after the match was over in the stats page.

I hope that Bungie reviews the game stats and notices that I am innocent. They should implement some kind of reverse-cheating feedback ban where if you accuse people of cheating just because they're better than you and there is a constant record of the pussy ass punk that keeps sending innocent the negative feedback will result in them being temporarily banned from Live. Just a thought Microsoft. You're not known for being innovative, so I don't expect that to become a reality any time soon. Maybe with the X Box 360. I hear that the matchmaking on that machine will make it so that you don't play as much with people that leave or that you send negative feedback on.

Ouch of The Day (7/12/05)

It's good to know that my ex-girlfriend has found someone that she likes, and feels comfortable enough having her picture taken while expressing her fondness for her new mate with a PDA. What was that? That's actually a snake? And it's biting that poor man's face?? Holy crap, I could have sworn that was an ex of mine. They all are pretty reptile-y in their demeanor, so take your pick, it could be any one of them.

For the poor guy in the picture above, quit making out with snakes. I know, they're slender, and it's hard to find a good woman these days, but you should not revert to bestiality. And even if you did end up resorting to this utmost of last course of actions, pick something without fangs and furthermore a being that doesn't deliver brain debilitating toxins when it bites. That would rule out most women by the way . . . *waiting for the drum rim-shot*

Toilet Stoppers

I've noticed a really strange phenomena happening in the work bathroom next to our cubicle section. About 3 - 4 days a week, in the afternoon, someone stops up 2 of the toilets. I don't know if it's humongous turds blocking the flow of water or the half a pack of ass-gaskets that are floating int he middle of the porcelain fixture, wadded up, and making the water rise to an uncomfortable level when I push the flusher with my foot. It's really disgusting, but I can't help but think what a terrible time it must be for the janitor that needs to come in and clean up the mess.

Now, I'm not sure if this is a clandestine operation, or the work of a single disgruntled employee. Whoever it is, it's a male, since I don't frequent the female lavatories. I'm . . . overqualified if you will. So that rules out a large amount of the people that work here. Mostly employeed in my area are "soccer moms", and you betcha they're soccer moms as a grand majority of them are hispanic. There are a fair share of guys, mostly white, and making much more money than yours truly.

I can't think of why they would have it out for the janitor. Who is a woman by the way. She's got to knock on the door everytime she goes in to re-stock the toilet paper and paper towels in there and clean up after the messier employees. I don't get some of the people around here though. Seriously, it's not like you just stopped using pull-up diapers. It's not hard to aim and make sure all of your urine doesn't end up on the floor, stall walls and toilet seat. I know some of them might be in a hurry, being that they're "high-power" internet executives, but come on . . . have a little decency and compassion for the poor woman.

So, to the toilet stopper roaming the bathrooms here at work . . . quit it. You're a disgusting pig and a poor excuse for a human being. Go shit in the bushes you god damn bastard. And so help me God if I ever catch you in the act, I will dunk your head in there and hold it while I take a hot shit all over your head.

Cop-a-Lohan

Robert Altman is a pimp. I just wonder what he had Lohan do on the casting couch . . .*wink wink*, oh wait. It's present day Lohan, this is not Mean Girls Lohan, or even Herbie Fully Loaded Lohan. Well, he's old, and I'm guessing pretty happy to get whatever tail (or lack thereof) he can get. I say, blame it on the cataracts. Which would make directing pretty hard actually. Altman needs to find himself a proper excuse.

It kind of looks like he's going to have Lohan sit on his lap so he can tell her one of his war stories. "No grandpa, I don't want to hear another story with a bad touch. My No-No place is not for you".

Ouch of The Day (7/11/05)

Today's "Ouch" will hit the drunks the hardest. Just look at all that wasted beer. Looks like Rolling Rock, which is a damn tasty pale ale, and you won't find me endorsing beer very often. I absolutely hate the taste, I'd rather drink my own piss. But Rolling Rock is good. Not bad, easy going down, easy going out. Anyway, if you need a tissue to wipe away the tears of sorrow after seeing the above picture, I suggest you attend an AA meeting. Actually, I suggest you attend it anyway, it's "theater of the people" as I heard while watching Golden Girls on Lifetime this morning . . . Yeah, I was watching Golden Girls. So what! Bea Arthur makes my blood boil . . rawr!

Oh God, I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

Russel Simmons Def Uniform Jam

I had read in some blogs last week that Russel Simmons had agreed to update the McD's uniforms, agreeing to add some "urban flava" to the drab clothing those poor slave workers are using. This, is apparently untrue, as this quote pulled from Yahoo! news confirms:

"Not only is it not true, I am not in talks with them, I'm a vegan! It goes against my principles," he said at an in-store appearance in Vancouver where he is promoting his Phat Pharm clothing line and practising his own brand of hip hop yoga."

He also states in the same article that he doesn't eat anything that runs away from him . . . let's just hope he never meets my dog. He'd run to him, and Simmons might just make a tasty meal out of him. The Squishter does look mighty sausage-y.

The point of this? Don't believe everything you read in a Blog. Most of the time, we're full of shit. Dahra dah dah dah . . . I'm loving it.

Conversations With The Sal - Episode II

03:35PM The Sal: ay man
03:35PM The Sal: u ever watch family guy
03:35PM Me: who doesn't
03:35PM The Sal: i just got turned on to it
03:36PM The Sal: that shows a trip and a half
03:36PM Me: you like fat guys then huh
03:36PM The Sal: lol
03:36PM The Sal: shut up man
03:36PM Me: peter's man boobs turn you on
03:36PM The Sal: ugghhh
03:36PM The Sal: you said it yourself man
03:36PM The Sal: no i didnt
03:36PM Me: (quoting The Sal)The Sal: i just got turned on to it
03:36PM The Sal: wow
03:37PM Me: so, you got turned on to watching that show huh
03:37PM The Sal: ya
03:37PM The Sal: that baby is a trip too
03:37PM Me: i hope you had some moist towelettes on hand
03:37PM The Sal: what
03:37PM Me: or at least some bounty
03:37PM Me: the quicker thicker picker upper
03:38PM The Sal: man u watch tooo much tv
03:38PM Me: yeah, but i don't spooge whenever i watch family guy
03:38PM The Sal: what
03:38PM The Sal: i dont
03:38PM Me: you just said it turns you on
03:39PM The Sal: nevermind
03:39PM Me: this is going in the blog you know
03:40PM The Sal: "turned on to the show" means i just started watching it cuz someone was watching and i happen to be there and i now i will
03:40PM The Sal: get it
03:40PM The Sal: got it
03:40PM The Sal: good

How almost every single conversation I have with the Sal over Jabber turns into some closet homosexual examination of his psyche is beyond me. I just know that it's hilarious making a (inactive) marine squirm. I'm such a bastard to my friends.

El Oh El.

Aguilera in Cat Fight

Looks like Christina Aguilera had a little dust up with a "deranged" fan at a night club somewhere or other (don't really care to research this much). It ended up in her either spraining her arm, or breaking it . . . regardless, that's why she's sporting that oh so chic cast on her arm. Black is the new White when it comes to arm casts I guess. I just want to know how this is going to affect her (alleged) lucrative career of giving hand jobs in the back of an alley. Do you get workman's comp for being a slut? I don't know.

Actually, it would appear that she's trying to tramp-down her look a bit. She's back to blonde, but she's still wearing attrocious looking outfits. I don't mind the jeans, but what's with that top. Ooh, girlfray'n, no you di'int". I swear rich people are fashion unconcious.

Rush Hour 3 in Gridlock

I don't know just who Chris Tucker thinks he is . . . but he's pulling some very diva-ish moves that is slowing down the production schedule of the "long anticipated" (by whom, I have no idea) Rush Hour 3. Here are Jackie Chan's remarks concerning Mr Tucker.

"He wants too much power. The movie company hasn't obliged. He wants final editing rights and the final look at the movie and so on," Chan told The Associated Press Thursday. "He's still a new actor. How many movies has he made? Two movies have already made him very famous and made him a lot of money. He needs to learn slowly."

Now, I don't know about you, but I'd like to personally thank Tucker for slowing down the production. I have no interest whatsoever in watching a third Rush Hour movie, and would hate it if this one joke franchise's third outing made a ton of money at the box office. I have no ill-will towards Chan, I love the out-takes after every single movie he makes. Maybe he could put out a DVD with just out-takes. Screw the movie, just show us you getting hurt, or accidentaly punching a nun in the face. You know this is what we want to see. I'd pay 5 bucks to get that movie from the girl a couple of cubicles down from me.

Woof Woof - Oy Vay!

After taking our Basset Hound, Squishy, to the dog park yesterday, the wife and I are convinced that he is a Jew. Not that he displayed any sort of greedy tendencies, no avarice, and he wasn't sporting a yamakka. What leads me to believe that our Squishster is of Jewish descent (other than his large schnoze) is that he got attacked by two different German Shepherds.

I've owned German Shepherds in the past, and maybe these two were somewhat territorial and ticked off for some reason, but I think their deep down ingrained Nazi breed-brain washing can rear it's ugly head from time to time. Squishy is not an aggressive dog at all. He plays with any living being, and yes, he can be a little overzealous in his displays of affection, but he's an overall well-meaning pup. Maybe he sniffed the wrong ass yesterday, but it really should not have warranted the German Shepherd to bark and chase him away the first time.

The 2nd time was a little later, when the owners of the dog were on their way out. This time, it was totally unprovoked, as Squishy was just hanging out towards the middle of the dog park, and this asshole of a German Shepherd just lunged at him and tried to take a bite off his ass. He managed to scamper off unharmed, so that was a relief. I just don't get why he would be attacked like that. Maybe the other dog had ball envy, I don't know, but it was fairly odd.

This discovery of my dog possibly being Jewish is going to change the way we celebrate the holiday season by the way. We're going to have to give him 8 presents instead of the customary 1 he's been getting for Christmas. I don't know how well he'll do lighting his own Menorah, but whatever, if I have to help him practice his beliefs, then so be it.

Batman Rebooted

Like an annoying PC, it was time for the Batman franchise to be rebooted. That last one with the Bat-nipples and the Governor of California as the villian was a travesty. Thousands of comic book fans bowed their heads in shame as Schumacher pissed all over the franchise with his directorial touches. Years have passed since that, and DC comics (owned by Warner Brothers) has finally put out the franchise saver - "Batman Begins".

Hiring on Christopher Nolan to direct was a relative stroke of genius. Coming from an "indie" background, he would seem like an unlikely choice. "Memento" was a sleeper hit, "Insomnia" might have been flawed, and I bet noone saw "Following", so taken this somewhat unproven entity must have made the studio nervous. What he crafted here was a deep origin story, with the non-action parts actually being much more interesting than the action sequences.

Now, it might seem that I am licking Warner Bro's balls right now, at the very least kissing their cheeks (the ones that the sun don't shine on), but this is the comic book movie of the year. It's so good that calling it a comic book movie might be a detriment to the film itself. With the current crop of these genre films coming out (I'm looking at you Fantastic Four) the future of this already exploited segment of filmed entertainment seems bleak. I really hope that they slow the production of them down and Hollywood can go back to mining a different source.

So, what's good? The writing by David Goyer is top notch when it's focusing on the characters. The stuff with Bruce Wayne and Ducard is golden. Goyer is a talented writer . . just keep him away from the director's chair (Blade Trinity ring any bells?). Christian Bale is the quintessential Bruce Wayne. The duality that the role demands for is serviced beyond what is necessary by his acting skills. Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox is fantastic. The man can't turn in a bad performance though. Gary Oldman's subdued Jim Gordon character is a departure of the characters that he usually plays (The Professional, The Fifth Element), and he nails the nuance that is needed to play the part. Also good is Liam Neeson. Here he plays a sage-like character, not much different than Qui-Gon Jin character he played in the Phantom Menace, but with a layer of misguided and sinister evil that can turn the most righteous of man into a follower of his clan.

The bad? Well, I've never been a fan of Katie Holmes, and her performance here does not make me change my mind. The only good thing I saw in her performance was the ever present NHO (nipple hard-on) her character prominently displayed. The Scarecrow, played by Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later), I think got the short end of the stick. He seemed like a goon, when he could have been used to truly be a terrifying character. Then, we come to the action. The movie was great up until the action set pieces came into play. You have to remember, that Nolan is no action director. He did wonderful work with the character development bits, but when it came to the action, too many quick cuts and hard to follow editing muddled what should have been great action scenes.

It can be argued that the hard to follow action scenes would be appropiate for a Batman movie. You're not supposed to be able to tell what Batman is up to. This is used effectively towards the beginning of the movie, when he takes out the thugs in the pier. And that Tumbler chase scene was just ass. I liked the concept of the Tumbler as a more realistic looking and acting vehicle, and I have no problem with the way it looks, it's just the chase scene was a little more reckless that what the ideal Batman chase scene should be. It really doesn't make sense that a concerned Batman would bust through walls and fly from rooftop to rooftop with a totally terrified passenger that could have a fear induced heart-attack at any second.

For the most part though, this is a very good re-start to the franchise. It was worth the free ticket, free soda, and free popcorn (thank you AMC rewards card) that I spent on it. And the reason this review is up so damn late, is because I was waiting for the movie to get out of that special engagement "no passes" thing. I'm a player on a budget, G-dawg home slice.

Ouch of the Day (7/08/05)

This should be a cautionary picture for everyone. If you're riding something with more than one wheel . . . make sure that at least one of them stays on the ground at all times. I know motocross is a fairly popular "sport" these days . . but who is it popular with? Rednecks. The same NASCAR loving folk. Anyone with half a brain not corroded by generations of inbreeding would realize that "Hey, maybe it's not such a good idea to go flying throught the air on a machine that was clearly not meant to fly". Just a thought though. I do endorse rednecks flying through the air in highly combustible contraptions though . . . it's great for population control, and it might increase their gene-pool. Although, I doubt it. They have more flipper footed, cross-eyes, cone-headed cousins than a Circus Freakshow Convention could ever hope to muster.

How Hot is That?

Yeah, that's pretty hot (conceptually speaking) right there. Kinda makes me want to join the Imperial Army. Screw the force (damn Jedi pansies), just tell me what part of the Death Star this little number resides at. And actually, I'd prefer it if she kept the helmet on. That's the "In a galaxy far far away"'s high tech version of the paper bag. Ha! Now where did I put my Grand Moff Tarkin outfit. I wonder if the wife will mind it if I dress her up like a Storm Trooper. She didn't mind the Catholic School Girl thing . . and she ain't even catholic. So this, being a non-religious based fantasy, should be a little less of a hurdle to get over. I'll have to put this on the list of "things to do".

I'm Only Human

I know it may seem that I am some sort of blogging Man-God . . or a Demi-God at least, but if you noticed that yesterday (Thursday for the calendar-maniacs) I did not post a single thing on here . . then yeah, I missed a day. I had some personal matters to attend to. None of your damn business by the way, so don't ask. And I assure you that the first amendment only applies to myself in this here little corner of the internet.

Actually, the post prior to this one, the one about Bobby Brown, was going to go up at around 11 PM last night, but by some unfortunate click/keystroke, it was deleted near the end of the composing (yes, cause this is an art biatch) process, and I was too lazy to re-type the whole thing. I'm not making excuses. I know I have a loyal fanbase in the 10's . . . . of thousands . . . . I wish, that hunger for the words that I type. Relax, there's no need for Seppukku or Hara Kiri, I'm back. Expect at least one more post today.

Being Bobby Brown . . .

. . . is a fate that I would not wish upon my most feared enemy (of which I have plenty, being so super is really taxing on the enemy front). But hey, looks like Bravo has decided to not air something homesexual related for once. My brain is currently divided as to what my opinion the television show is. Half of it thinks it's the worst crap ever filmed, we're talking worse that the Spice Girls movie . . . and the other half (the sadistic one I might add) loves that someone had the balls to actually put this on television.

I mean, it's Bobby Brown. The opening of one of the episodes had him talking to two middle aged white men and asking them if they recognized him. They didn't, obviously, I think they just thought he was a lazy waiter with a film crew following him around. It's ok though, 'cause Bobby made it a little easier for them by putting his hands behind his back as if they were handcuffed and bowed his head in pretend shame. Then the two white guys were able to tell who he was.

There is not one ounce of gravitas to this show. One segment I viewed had him arguing with a shoe. Yes, he was drunk, but let me reiterate. A SHOE! Not a pair. Just one. "Get off me shoe! Quit following me around!" Granted, the shoe was stuck to his pant leg by some odd reason, but still . . . instead of reaching down and manually removing the shoe, he kept kicking around like an idiot, while the shoe stayed where it was . . . loosely attached to his pants.

In case you're wondering, yes, Whitney Houston does show up, and yes, she is as crazy as you thought she was. She's so damn out of her mind that she makes Bobby seem normal. That's saying a lot. He's close to retarded, but when Whitney's around, he almost comes off as an idiot savant. And she's such a damn diva too. Totally out of touch with the reality that is her long lost fame. Even when a couple of tourists (they filmed them when they were on vacation . . from what? I have no idea) tried taking pictures with her, she flat out declined. Bobby, on the other hand, was extremely happy to take pictures with the one or two fans he's got left. I mean, I still bump that Ghostbusters rap he made, but really, what's he done lately that is even considered barely decent.

I'm starting to think that the sadistic half of my brain is winning out on wether I will continue to watch this. I'm in no way endorsing this program. You'd be way better off watching 30 Days, The Inside, Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, or any other quality programming . . . I think this will become a guilty pleasure for me. Kinda like The Surreal World. I don't watch it 'cause it's insightful . . . I just want to see what outlandish thing happens next.

Ouch of The Day (7/06/05)

I'm pretty sure that arm is not supposed to be bend like that. Actually, I am damn near positive that something went horribly wrong just prior to this picture being taken. I can't feel much sympathy though, since the guy is a weight lifter, and he's wearing tights. Any man who voluntarily wears tights deserves to have their arm bent in a totally wrong way. Like totally . . . . what am I? A valley girl all of the sudden?

Whatever.

Look at his face though. That's priceless. I hope he's framed this and put the picture over his mantle. It'll serve the purpose of reminding him that he should not always shoot for the stars, or whatever inspirational cliche you adhere to. The point is, people should know their boundries. This guy learned it the hard way. Don't make the same mistake.

Conversations with The Sal

Instant messaging conversations with The Sal almost always take a turn to the humorous (at least for me). We usually type out all communication between the two of us . . . god forbid we actually traveled the 1 cubicle distance to speak face to face. Hey, we have calls to take. Pfft! Anyway, here's today's gem.

12:36PM Me: the friend who works at apple said it would be easy to get me a job there
12:37PM The Sal: how bout me man
12:37PM The Sal: hook it up man
12:37PM The Sal: hahah
12:38PM Me: i know man, how much do you like the sac* area?
12:38PM The Sal: i unno
12:39PM The Sal: i havent really spent to much time up there but it would be good for change of pace man
12:40PM Me: so . . . spending time in the sac area would be a welcome change of pace for you
12:40PM Me: is that what you're saying?
12:40PM The Sal: ohh man
12:40PM The Sal: no man
12:40PM Me: i knew it!
12:40PM The Sal: no playin in "sac" area for me
12:41PM Me: it gets pretty hot down there in the sac area
12:41PM Me: you have to watch out for the warm breezes
12:41PM The Sal: aight man
12:44PM Me: that's going in the blog man
12:45PM The Sal: no man
12:45PM The Sal: i dont spend time in sac areas

El Oh El

*Refers to the Sacramento area . . in case you have been recently lobotomized and need a little help getting the joke . . also, Sac sounds like Sack . . which is were most men keep their testicles. Get it now? Stupid.

Slammed Lil' Kim

Someone should have told Lil' Kim that lying to a grand jury in a case involving a shoot-out would not turn out well. She's headed to prison for a whole year, paying a fine of $50,000 bucks, and will most likely become Big Bertha's newest bitch while inside whatever correctional facility she's being placed in. Sounds good to me, I can't stand to look at her. Even posting that horrid picture of hers is just making my stomach cringe. I don't know why some people find this diminutive troll doll attractive . . . all the plastic surgery and skin bleaching just ruined what as an "ok" looking hoodrat.

But, I bet she learned her lesson. Or will learn it with a broomstick up her pooper while in jail, either way . . Justice is served.

Craving Adoptions

Angelina Jolie, amidst rumors of being pregnant with the illegitimate love child of Brad Pitt, is adopting again. This time, she's adopting an African little girl who's parents were lost to AIDS. Now, I would normally say "good for you kind citizen", but this is Jolie. I don't want to see her in some sort of matronly role . . unless I've been a bad boy and she's handing out spankings . . . er . . I mean . . oh forget it.

She already has one adopted Cambodian child. Adopting third world country babies must be like getting tattoos . . .you can't stop at one. Has she ever heard of the "Adopt a Highway" program? It would end up being cheaper. And seriously, if you saw what she named this poor little girl. What is up with celebrities and picking for their kids outlandish (or unique) names. What ever happened to "Bob" or "Anne". Any day now, those are going to be the new hot/weird names. Once the morons in Hollywood extinguish their source of clever namesakes . . . they'll get back to the good ol' regular names.

Ouch of the Day (7/05/05)

For those of you going through "Ouch of The Day" withdrawals . . . you need to seek help. Professional help. Seriously, you are one fucked up individual if you look forward to the things I post up here for the sake of making people cringe. Otherwise, if you had noticed that I had not posted in anything in a couple of days . . . then you're ok. The reason? I was out of town, and even though I had access to an internet connection with wireless connectivity just like I do at home, I just didn't feel like posting. So what? You gonna make something of it? Fine then, punk. I'll meet you outside, by that tree in the lunch yard.

Anyway . . . while that idiot waits for me to go out there for a rumble . . . you might be wondering just what happened to this guy with the hand . . . or what's left of it. Looks like he was working some sort of a saw, and he slipped, hand went in, ended up looking like that. Power tools are dangerous I tell you. People don't kill people . . . Idiots with power tools kill people. And yes, I am considering a gun a power tool. It gets the job done with power right?

The guy ended up having to get 4 operations to get back to normal. It must have cost him . . . an arm and a leg, bwahahahahaha . . . it was just too easy.

New Ab Workout

I think I'm going to have to start some sort of "Mariah Watch" feature, 'cause it seems that every couple of days . . .she does something completely insane. Like the picture above. I guess it might have seemed like a good idea at the time to draw on some fake abs onto Chubby Carey's midsection . . . but in retrospect, this just seems idiotic. It does remind me of a Strong Bad skit, so in that sense, it is pretty funny.



But everyone knows that Strong Bad is much sexier with his drawn on abs than Mariah will ever be. Just look at him . . . oozing sexuality with an unbridled fervor that drives the chicks wild. That unchecked machismo that makes Tom Selleck's "Magnum PI" moustache look like Ethan Hawke's scraggly pubic chin hairs. I just pray my wife doesn't see this . . . or she might decide to leave me for the cartoony man-god that is Strong Bad.

The Beauty is Beast-less

Shannon Elizabeth files for divorce from her husband of three years. The reason, irreconcilable differences . . . which loosely translates to: "What the hell was I thinking?? I married this? I thought I was picking up a puppy at the pound". Just look at this guy though, I'm not studly myself and I managed to marry a pretty girl, but this guy makes Meatloaf look good . . . and I ain't talking about the singer. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that Shannon Elizabeth will be dating a hunk of meatloaf next just to get over that Cromagnon missing link of an ex-husband she had.

I actually saw the couple when they were still together at the Melrose Starbucks across the street from the Urban Oufitters a couple of years ago. She was trying to hide the fact that she was who she was under a baseball cap. When I saw the guy she was with, I thought maybe it was her scary uncle, the one that will want to tell you a story while you sit on his lap, just as a pretense to give you a "bad touch". Now that I think about it really hard (don't try this at home, you might hurt yourself), it wasn't to try to avoid papparazzi . . . it was to avoid anyone recognizing her and realizing that she had married that lump of walking crap.

Caught the Red Eye

Usually, when people catch the "red eye", it's an overnight flight. For us, it's an overnight drive. What kinda crazy shit is that? Well, I like to live on the dangerous side of life. Plus, there's nothing like coming home from a long trip and sleeping into the early afternoon like today. Good thing I have the day off from work, or else I'd be in a bit of a bind. So, how did this "red eye" car ride come about? Well, I'll tell you.

After being released from the cubicle prison on Friday, the wife and I took a 6 hour car ride up to Sacramento to visit a very good friend of mine and check out the area. Recently, there's been talk about moving up there, greener pastures, better opportunities, you know the deal. We wanted to check out the area he lived in, just to make sure that the sweet job he told me about would be found in an equally sweet area. Our suspicions were confirmed as we were shown around the town of Elk Grove just south of Sacramento. Very quaint, quiet . . . a total 180 degree turn from what Los Angeles is. I think when we move there by the end of the year, it will impact our lives quite a bit, in an extremely positive way.

So, that's that . . Come Sunday night, we felt ready to leave the area, antsy to get back to our bed and away from my friend's couch bed. Not that we didn't appreciate his hospitality, it's just kind of hard to sleep with a metal beam right on the small of your back. Not sure if anyone that reads this has had the extreme displeasure of sleeping on one of those torture devices . . .but the 2nd night there, we preferred sleeping on couch cushions layed out on the floor rather than on that terribly uncomfortable piece of "furniture".

Around 12:30 AM, Monday morning, we decided to hit the road. The car had developed an uncomfortable knocking sound that was, at the time, most likely emanating from the drive train . . but I ain't no mechanic, so my diagnosis is not to be taken without a grain of salt. We stopped to refuel right before we got on the I-5 going south to load up on coffee and snacks. I chose to start the drive with 24 ounces of fresh java . . . nice and hot, and overflowing with caffeine. I was going to need it, since our ride has a manual transmission, and Heather does not know how to drive it.

At about hour 3 of the trip down, feeling kinda sleepy, I decided to pull over into this hole in the wall town that was all gasoline stations and fast food restaurants. I splashed some water on my face, got another 24 ounces of coffee, and made one of the worst decisions of the whole entire trip. We got ourselves a frosty from the Wendy's attached to the gas station. Now, usually . . getting a frosty is a pleasurable experience . . . and we're talking sexual euphamism here as well . . . the process of getting this particular frozen dessert was extremely painful. First of all, there were only 2 employees present, one that spoke english, and one that didn't. Guess which one was the lazy one? Yeah, english speaking whore was the one sitting in the restaurant part, doing absolutely jack shit about extending some customer service. Non-speaking moustached idiot female employee who did not speak a lick of english was (wo)manning the counter. I must have tried 10 times to explain to her that I wanted a medium frosty. Nothing, she kept calling to the other lardass bitch to come over, and she eventually, and reluctantly, decided to earn her minimum wage. She slothfully came around and took our order. Then, we sat around for 10 minutes waiting for this simple "pull a lever and dispense frozen dessert" process.

Only when I was forced to raise my voice (which never happens, I'm a very calm and reserved individual most of the time) at these idiots did they decide to jump to work. English speaking idiot thought that I had said "Medium Fries" . . . how she got that is besides my realm of comprehension. All I have to say is . . . ever since Dave Thomas kicked the bucket, Wendy's has been in a steady decline. Too bad, I used to like eating there on occassion. Anyway, pissed off and tired, I tell English speaking whore "Can I get my money back, I just want to get the hell out of here" . . and do you know what she said? "No". What??!! I once had to send back a bad salad at which the manager of the Burbank Wendy's promptly produced a five dollar bill for and said "I'm sorry it was not to your liking, here's the money back" and this bitch just denied me a refund for a purchase that had not been yet delivered to me?? And then I said "well, you idiots are taking way too long getting my goddamn frosty" and she says "Oh, well, I thought you said fries, so she's making them now". I retort with "Well, even if I had said fries, does it take 10 minutes to make fries? I just want some goddamn service here". 30 seconds later, the frosty was in my hand, and as we left, Heather spat twice . . not just once, twice at what ever papers the fat bitch was working on in the restaurant part of the Wendy's.

Incredible, yes . . . but it did help me wake up. I was too infuriated about that whole process to feel sleepy at all. That, and I noticed we were only 140 miles away from Los Angeles. Less than 2 hours of travel . . at the current rate of speed that I was doing (about 95 - 100 mph) which, by the way, must have knocked whatever was wrong with my car back into place. The knocking sound the car was making disappeared after that stop. Very weird, I know, but I'm glad it's not so prevalent, it seems to rear it's ugly head whenever I make a slight right turn.

We arrived in the Los Angeles area at around 5:45 AM, which is just over 5 hours. Damn excellent time if i do say so myself. Shaved a whole hour from the trip up, and we even made it out here alive. Never underestimate the power of 48 ounces of coffee. And, if you're ever traveling on the I-5 between Los Angeles and Sacramento, and stop at the Pilot gas station with the Wendy's attached to it, make sure to never ever ever order anything from there. For curiosity's sake, you might want to go in there and point and stare at the superbly terrible customer service they offer. And feel free to spit on them. Tell them Jaime sent you.

*Music I listed to while coming up with this entry:
Pulp Song - Stellastarr
Rebellion (Lies) - The Arcade Fire
Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve
Radio War - Iron and Wine
The Battle for Straight Time - A.C. Newman
Moody Monday - Damien Rice
Goodnight Moon - Shivaree
Road to Joy - Bright Eyes
Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset - Modest Mouse
Recycled Air - The Postal Service
Bartender and the Thief - Stereophonics
One - Aimee Mann

I'm Getting too Old for this Shit

Today my body has been racked by aches and pains. Why? Extra hard workout at the gym? Long distance running? Nah . . . 3 hours of bowling. Yeah, bowling kicked my ass this week. I feel like I worked out like a beast yesterday, but in reality, I was just kicking back a beer and bowling 4 frames with the rest of the finance department.

Not that it wasn't fun. I had not been bowling in a while, and I think I'm finally getting the hang out putting a spin on the ball like the pro's do. The thing is, I'm trying to figure exactly when I got old. Years ago, I would do any sort of physical activity with no detrimental feelings later on. Now, I run up a flight of stairs and I'm winded. This current state is most likely not aided by the fact that I am extremely out of shape right now . . . despite the fact that I pay a monthly gym membership fee.

But tied to this whole feeling old thing, is me decreasing the number of gym visits per week. I find myself promising to go a couple of times extra the following week, only to do the same. It's a cycle that I need to break, I'm just not sure how. Should I go back to supplements like Xenadrine, protein shakes, and stuff like that to help me get back to the way I felt 6 years ago? And can I even afford to maintain that sort of diet w/supplements. I don't think so. Even going on an Atkins light diet would put too much of a strain on our finances. Eating crap is much cheaper than doing a diet . . sad to say.

So, if you have any suggestions, feel free to comment.

Ouch of The Day (07/01/05)

OLE! I thought the previous bull-related picture I posted last week was painful. That one had the horn up the "torero's" butt . . . but this horn is clearly applying the pressure to the poor man's phallus. I cringe when I see this. I have experienced pain in that area, and I am glad to say that it was nowhere near as bad as what this poor guy is going through. "Oooh, tell us about your experiences with penile pain" is what you're probably thinking right now . . . damn sadists.

Ok, back in the first grade, I was foolhardy enough to tell a hot-headed then friend that his "head is hanging from your balls". Remember, this was the 1st grade, so the obsenity generating portion of my brain was not as developed as it is now. I have no idea why this would have angered this kid so much. Next thing I know, he's kicked me in the nuts with all the force his young legs could generate . . . and I'm out cold. Next thing I know, I wake up to the fondling of my balls by the school nurse. I guess she was checking if they were still in one piece, uh huh. We were both sent to the principal's office, upon which I had to repeat what I had told my former friend.