The Hills Have Scares

My recently returned from Iraq sister, my wife and I went to catch a movie last night. We headed to Burbank, to the AMC in the mall, and found the theater to be relatively empty. Probably 6 other people in there. I don't know why, more people should be watching the truly hardcore movie called "The Hills Have Eyes". I know it's a remake, but when you get the director of "High Tension" on a filmed project, it's bound to be interesting. And it's even better when someone treats you to a movie (thanks Sis') but don't think I was a complete cheapskate. I bought the soda and popcorn (with my AMC Moviewatcher free coupon).

This is not so much a movie review but a movie disection. I don't usually see a movie that inspires me to retell the whole thing, so you betcher-ass that I enjoyed it. Major spoilers below if you haven't seen the movie yet.

The movie is about a family on their way to California for a vacation. The dad, a retired police detective, is the kind of guy that likes to take the scenic route. He brings along his wife, his married daughter (along with husband and infant child) and his other teenage daughter (played by Emilie de Ravin from Lost) and son. There's a little father/son in law tension to be seen here, as you see the father always picking on his daughter's husband.

The first scene of the movie has some guys in full radiation suits taking some readings in the New Mexico desert, supposedly, on or near the sites of repeated nuclear testing by the government in the 50's and 60's. Suddenly, a bloody man comes at them from nowhere, only to be pick-axe'd to death by a huge and mutated man. The radiation suit guys try to run away, but they end up dead, and then dragged off in their own truck.

The movie then cuts to a gas station near that site, where an old and frazzled attendant is the only one around for miles, but not for long. He gets a visit from some unseen characters, and they drop off a bag full of stolen goodies for him, along with a severed ear. It seems that there's some sort of agreement with whatever is living out there in the mines and this guy, and this is when the family on vacation enters the movie. Everyone except the patriarch is having a terrible time. It's 100+ degrees out, and they're looking to gas up and stretch their legs a bit. The attendant fills up their tank, and suggests they take a shortcut through the mountains on a dirt road that's off the map. Says it'll save them 2 hours, and get them on the interstate quicker.

The family, having no reason to doubt the old, grizzled attendant, make their way to the shortcut, which takes them ever deeper into the desert, and closer to the nuclear testing sites. Soon, they are met with a spike-strip which disables their SUV and Airstream trailer home. The father and son in law decide that they should go off looking for help. The older one will head back to the gas station, see if he can get a tow-truck out to the wreck, and the younger will go off in the other direction. See if he can find help there. They leave the teenage boy in charge, along with a 9mm. Never hurts to have an ex-policeman and republican dad.

While they're out looking for help, we get to see some glimpses of what's out there. The married daughter sees a glint of reflected sunshine in the hills. The son can't find a red hoodie that was taken from the SUV. One of the first victims, one of the family's two German Shepherd dogs, ends up being gutted while the boy is looking for her. He finds her after he hears her whelping in pain, and falls off a short cliff and knocks himself unconcious. A young mutant girl watches over him and waits until he wakes up to make a quick exit. It seems that this is all that saves him from a rather carnivorous mutant that was lurking close by.

Meanwhile, the son in law makes it to the end of the road, a huge nuclear crater. There, he finds dozens of dumped cars ranging from old models to newer ones. This is not disturbing to him, rather, kind of wondrous. He does not make the insidious connection, and he picks up a couple of things and makes his way back to the wrecked vehicles, a bat and fishing rod in hand. The father makes it to the gas station by nightfall, and finds the attendant's loot (and bloody severed ear) in his room in the gas station. He draws his hand-cannon (a long nose Magnum I think it was) and searches for the attendant. He finds him in the outhouse, shotgun in hand. He's crying . . . the actions he's had to take have taken their toll on him, and before the father can disarm him, he Kurt Cobain's it and disintegrates his noggin with one shotgun blast (great gore effects btw).

Just then, you hear raspy whispers of "Daddy", and the father whips around looking for who's saying that. He quickly runs to a car close by, ready to make a getaway, when in the rearview mirror he spots some eyes, and immediately gets his head bashed into the front windshield, and then the drivers side window. His head split open, and nearly unconcious, the father gets dragged away into a nearby mine.

Back at the wreck, the son in law makes it back. He has no idea what has just happened to his father in law, and neither does the rest of the family. They blow it off, but the young boy is not so sure that they're alone in the desert anymore. After waking up from his fall, he made his way back to the automobile, but he didn't tell his mother and sisters what he saw. He didn't want to freak them out. But he tells the son in law soon after he comes back. This is when the action kicks into high gear. A tree bursts into flames close to the wreck, and from the distance, they can hear the screams of the older man, amidst the blaze. The mother, older daughter, son in law and son all run towards the fire, taking the time to get a fire extinguisher from the camper, but not noticing the mutant that had been petting Emily de Ravin for the past couple of minutes. While they're trying to put out the barbequed man, another deformed mutant comes in and proceeds to rape the teenage daughter, while the first mutant rips up the place, chomps off the head of a parakeet, and then makes googly eyes at the infant daughter.

After putting out the blaze, and seeing that the older husband has been truly cooked to death, they hear the screams of the younger daughter while she's getting raped by the mutants. The older sister runs toward the camper, tries to knock one of them out with a frying pan, but gets incapacitated by one of them. He's holding a gun to her baby daughter, and he then proceeds to fondle and suck on her breasts. She's bearing this because she knows that if she freaks out, the baby, her sister and her are dead. Suddenly, the mother comes into the camper, ready to bash some mutant skull with a rather large rock . . . but all she gets is a belly full of lead. This sets off the older daughter, who stabs the fondly-mutant in the leg, which in turn gets her a shot in the head. The mutants make off with the infant daughter, while the sons make it back to the camper in time to see the carnage.

All the time they had been watched by a mutant from afar, but this one gets his come-uppance when one of the two German Shepherds takes his revenge on him. He jumps him from behind, tearing at his throat, and severing his walkie-talkie-holding hand. The dog makes his way back to the wreckage, and delivers the radio to the frightened survivors. On the radio, they hear the baby crying, and the young father decides that he has to go look for his offspring. He leaves the brother and sister alone with the 9mm and gets the bat and dog to go along with him.

The surviving kids put their dead mother and sister in the SUV, and hole up in the camper. They are scared, but determined to get some kind of revenge. They set up a little early warning device using the fishing string, some sticks, and a baby rattle. While they're McGuyver'ing it up, the son in law makes it to a nuclear testing town with some sparse houses and mannequins. He looks around, and find his baby in one of them. He stashes the dog in a nearby car, and creeps inside the house, careful not to make any sounds. He spots a bald woman combing her wig and watching Divorce Court, and he thinks he's made off scott free with his child, when out of nowhere, that same bald woman knocks him on his head, and he passes out. He wakes up in a container full of severed body parts, and manages to knock the locked lid off the thing. He looks around the house, looking for his baby, and then finds a wheelchair bound mutant with the largest cranium you'll see on film. It tells him that the nuclear testing did this to them, and that they would all die, or something like that. Just then, one of the big, mobile genetic monstrosities bashes through the window, whielding an axe, and a multi-room struggle between the two of them begins. The son in law gets a couple of fingers chopped off before he can get the upper hand on the monster. He nails his foot down to the floor in a stroke of luck, then pushes a mini-flag pole through his neck, and finishes him off with an axe to the head.

The dog had managed to free himself from the car, and had made it into the house, helped the son in law out a bit, but got thrown across the house by the recently deceased mutant. While the son in law makes his way out of the house, you see the wheelchair bound mutie spot the dog coming at it, fangs bared, and off camera, you can hear his screams as the dog jumps his ass.

Another one of the muties hears the scuffle, and with shotgun in hands, makes his way to the house where the ruckus just finished. His knee meets the blade of an axe, as the son in law lays an ambush on his ass. Then, his eye-socket meets the pointed end of that same axe, and the bloodied and missing some fingers protagonist limps away holding onto his firearm.

While the fight was happening, the big mutie that chopped off the dudes fingers radioed the rape-mutie and told him to kill the baby. While trying to do this, the baby gets swiped by the nice girl-mutie (in the son's red hoodie) and sequestered into temporary safety. The son in law sees the girl running into the hills, and chases after her. The rape-mutie is also on the chase, and the two meet up and have a little throw down where the mutie uses the spike-strip that wrecked the vehicles earlier as a weapon. He knocks out the son in law and chases after the nice mutie-girl.

The son in law, all hazy, catches a glimpse of his wedding ring (on one of his severed fingers) and musters enough energy to get up, and chase after the vile mutated oppresor. Meanwhile, back at the wreck, the remaining son and daughter are getting ready for a showdown with some mutants, when they hear a rustle, and check out the SUV. Their mother's dead body is gone, and the son goes chasing after a trail of blood, only to find a ragged mutant snacking on his mom's entrails. He sets off some rounds from the handgun, while being chased by that one. Emilie de Ravin had stayed behind, setting the trap for the mutant. She opened up all the gas canisters, and when the son rushes into the camper, he lays down some matches next to the door, so that they get ignited when the mutie opens up to go in and try to kill them.

The two kids make it out of the camper while the mutie is busy trying to open up the door, and from a distance, they see the mutant open the door, and get engulfed in a ball of fire as the camper explodes. Meanwhile, back on the hills, the son in law catches up to the rape-mutie right before he's about to kill his baby, and pumps a couple of rounds of buckshot into him, dropping him dead . . . or so he thinks. He gets his baby from the little red riding mutie and thinks he's done, when the mutie who he just shot down gets up and points the shotgun at him. Little red riding mutie charges him, and knocks him and herself, off a high cliff, and they fall to their deaths.

At the now explosive wreck, brother and sister search the explosion, and they find a still cackling but barely alive mutant. This is when Emilie de Ravin freaks out, and drives a pick-axe right through his head. They kids hugh, cry, and then see the son in law make his way back to their area with baby in hand and dog in leash. They all have a group hug, and the camera pans out, and turns into the silouhette of binoculars. They are still being watched.

Credits roll.