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Friday, December 30, 2005
New Year Looms
As the new year looms closer and closer, I'll take a few moments to reminisce about 2005 before 2006's sword of Damocles smashes into it splintering it into nothing much more than a memory.
So, what did I do this past year. Feels like it went by pretty quick. My gig at Earthlink ended abruptly even as the higher ups told us we were the only profitable department and they would never outsource it. Sheah right! But that led to me learning that I have a super high IQ when I went to a job interview. Sure, I didn't get it, but that's most likely because my intelligence intimidated the people in charge there.
2005 also marked my 2nd year of being married, which is coming along just fine. I'm pretty sure that I am more in love with my wife now than when I met her. She's just a great girl. She's way better than all my other imaginary girlfriends of the past. Just having a corporeal relationship is way better than an imaginary one. The only drawback though, is when you buy a present for an imaginary person, you use imaginary dollars, which ends up being much more economical in the long run.
Other things of note, I started a new gig where I get . . . surprise surprise . . . days off, and benefits, and vacation time? What the fuck? Sure, I have to deal with people on the phone all day long, which is a fate that I would not wish upon my worst enemy (you lucked out Huckleberry Hound), but it pays the bills. And hopefully, all the money that I give out to Uncle Sam I'll see sometime next year. This new job will be kicking back a bonus to me sometime around late January/early Febuary of 2006 which will be used to purchase a couple of high end electronic items. I can't say what yet, since someone might be reading this, and I want to keep it as a surprise.
2005 also gave me the year that a sibling was injured during a war. How exciting. Thank you GW Bush. If it weren't for your little Middle Eastern Grudge match with a powerless camel humping dictator, then my brother would not have an extra hole where most of his foot should be. Thumbs up and I hope the next pretzel you choke on does the job right. :)
Oh, and who could forget the new car I bought when I thought I had a steady job with those jerkoffs at Earthlink. I tell you, nothing's scarier than making a big purchase and then finding out your only viable source of income just went *poof*. Sure, I didn't miss a payment on that thing so it all worked out after all. But for a while there, I was really worried about not just paying for this car . . . but the myriad of other bills that take a large chunk of my not-so disposable income.
I also started this little blog of mine, with dreams of making it big. Sure, in the beginning there were visions of a steady stream of advertising revenue coming in, and I hustled like a madman to get visits in here. Now, not so much. I made a couple of bucks here and there, nothing to write about really. So, I've given up on trying to make money off the internet. From now on, it's honest sit-down-on-my-butt and earn an hourly wage type of deal. The way White Collar Jesus intended.
This year also marks my entry into the X Box Live cult, which has contributed to the burning of my retinas for many an hour and also has contributed to many an eye-roll from the wife when I asked if I could play instead of hang out with her. Yeah, I have to ask. Why? Because she'll beat me up if I don't. I have the bruises to prove it. Halo 2 came out which contributes to the drain of time and also adds a little level of stress since 99% of the people on Live are assholes. Total Assholes. TA's. Even the Sal's brother . . . that backstabbing motherfucker. Just kidding Dankest. Quit betraying though, it sucks ass.
It was also a weird year for movies. There were good ones towards the end, but a whole lot of suckass during the beginning. Not like 2004. I don't think I can come up with 10 movies that I really loved this year. Sure, I could make a list of movies I enjoyed, but in a year that wrought upon us Fantastic Four and two movie about families with way too many children (pro-Mormonism at its best) the rest of the year pretty much gets tainted by those rotten apples.
I have to be missing something, but I'm tired, a bit cranky, and developing a headache from the never-ending ringing in my head. Goodbye 2005 . . . I barely knew ye.
So, what did I do this past year. Feels like it went by pretty quick. My gig at Earthlink ended abruptly even as the higher ups told us we were the only profitable department and they would never outsource it. Sheah right! But that led to me learning that I have a super high IQ when I went to a job interview. Sure, I didn't get it, but that's most likely because my intelligence intimidated the people in charge there.
2005 also marked my 2nd year of being married, which is coming along just fine. I'm pretty sure that I am more in love with my wife now than when I met her. She's just a great girl. She's way better than all my other imaginary girlfriends of the past. Just having a corporeal relationship is way better than an imaginary one. The only drawback though, is when you buy a present for an imaginary person, you use imaginary dollars, which ends up being much more economical in the long run.
Other things of note, I started a new gig where I get . . . surprise surprise . . . days off, and benefits, and vacation time? What the fuck? Sure, I have to deal with people on the phone all day long, which is a fate that I would not wish upon my worst enemy (you lucked out Huckleberry Hound), but it pays the bills. And hopefully, all the money that I give out to Uncle Sam I'll see sometime next year. This new job will be kicking back a bonus to me sometime around late January/early Febuary of 2006 which will be used to purchase a couple of high end electronic items. I can't say what yet, since someone might be reading this, and I want to keep it as a surprise.
2005 also gave me the year that a sibling was injured during a war. How exciting. Thank you GW Bush. If it weren't for your little Middle Eastern Grudge match with a powerless camel humping dictator, then my brother would not have an extra hole where most of his foot should be. Thumbs up and I hope the next pretzel you choke on does the job right. :)
Oh, and who could forget the new car I bought when I thought I had a steady job with those jerkoffs at Earthlink. I tell you, nothing's scarier than making a big purchase and then finding out your only viable source of income just went *poof*. Sure, I didn't miss a payment on that thing so it all worked out after all. But for a while there, I was really worried about not just paying for this car . . . but the myriad of other bills that take a large chunk of my not-so disposable income.
I also started this little blog of mine, with dreams of making it big. Sure, in the beginning there were visions of a steady stream of advertising revenue coming in, and I hustled like a madman to get visits in here. Now, not so much. I made a couple of bucks here and there, nothing to write about really. So, I've given up on trying to make money off the internet. From now on, it's honest sit-down-on-my-butt and earn an hourly wage type of deal. The way White Collar Jesus intended.
This year also marks my entry into the X Box Live cult, which has contributed to the burning of my retinas for many an hour and also has contributed to many an eye-roll from the wife when I asked if I could play instead of hang out with her. Yeah, I have to ask. Why? Because she'll beat me up if I don't. I have the bruises to prove it. Halo 2 came out which contributes to the drain of time and also adds a little level of stress since 99% of the people on Live are assholes. Total Assholes. TA's. Even the Sal's brother . . . that backstabbing motherfucker. Just kidding Dankest. Quit betraying though, it sucks ass.
It was also a weird year for movies. There were good ones towards the end, but a whole lot of suckass during the beginning. Not like 2004. I don't think I can come up with 10 movies that I really loved this year. Sure, I could make a list of movies I enjoyed, but in a year that wrought upon us Fantastic Four and two movie about families with way too many children (pro-Mormonism at its best) the rest of the year pretty much gets tainted by those rotten apples.
I have to be missing something, but I'm tired, a bit cranky, and developing a headache from the never-ending ringing in my head. Goodbye 2005 . . . I barely knew ye.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
OT fo' Me
I don't like to overwork myself. Around this time of the day (5:30 pm PST) I'm beat. Ready to go home, crash on the couch, hold my wife while my brain starts the slow cool down and the voices in my head stop telling me to "KILL KILL KILL!". But, the benefit deductions are due to kick in any paycheck now, so I need to scramble to pick up the monetary slack.
So yeah, I asked to work extra here at the office. It's just more phone work. Bearing the brunt of a telephonic onslaught of people that really have no business even looking at a computer. Especially those Optimum Online customers. I swear, it must be a requirement to be extremely dense to be a customer of that ISP. But whatever, I need the time & a half to offset the deductions.
And just what deductions am I compensating for? Well, the first one is my life insurance, which covers me for 100 grand (yeah, I'm worth a lot dead, but not much alive) and also covers my wife for 50 G's if anything fatal were to happen to either one of us . . . (enter religious diety here) forbid. That's actually not as expensive as one would think, just a couple of dollars. We get a killer . . . um . . . poor choice of words . . . deal on insurance.
Then there's the 401K plan, which is set to start taking 4% of my paycheck every two weeks and add it to this overly complex system of money investing mutual funds and blah blah blah. It's all over my head type stuff, but what I do know is my employer will match that 4% with 50% and it makes the IRS think I make less therefore they tax me less. This ofcourse goes to my retirement fund because when I'm old and wrinkly, all the money I put into social security won't be there for me. Fucking government.
Our health insurance won't be costing me extra. I was able finagle a sweet little deal with Universal Care for myself and my wife through the benefits guy here at work that is free. Sure, doctor visits are 10 bucks more and prescriptions are a couple bucks extra, but I save in the long run. I wanted Kaiser though, but the price for that would have been nigh astronomical.
The Dental/Vision plans are the ones that are going to be causing the most monetary problems for me. I personally don't need a vision plan. 20/20 right here, can I get a woot woot for pizzerfect vision? Anyway, my wife wears glasses, so I had to get it. The dental coverage would have been free for me but not for her, and she needs a little work done, so I, once again, had to get it. Sure, it's not a fortune, but all these little things add up and make the incoming direct deposits smaller and smaller.
So here I am, 5:50 pm and still at work, talking to jerkoffs on the phone who don't know their ass from proper usage of their anti-virus program. Money is money though. Someone hand me a bullet to bite on.
So yeah, I asked to work extra here at the office. It's just more phone work. Bearing the brunt of a telephonic onslaught of people that really have no business even looking at a computer. Especially those Optimum Online customers. I swear, it must be a requirement to be extremely dense to be a customer of that ISP. But whatever, I need the time & a half to offset the deductions.
And just what deductions am I compensating for? Well, the first one is my life insurance, which covers me for 100 grand (yeah, I'm worth a lot dead, but not much alive) and also covers my wife for 50 G's if anything fatal were to happen to either one of us . . . (enter religious diety here) forbid. That's actually not as expensive as one would think, just a couple of dollars. We get a killer . . . um . . . poor choice of words . . . deal on insurance.
Then there's the 401K plan, which is set to start taking 4% of my paycheck every two weeks and add it to this overly complex system of money investing mutual funds and blah blah blah. It's all over my head type stuff, but what I do know is my employer will match that 4% with 50% and it makes the IRS think I make less therefore they tax me less. This ofcourse goes to my retirement fund because when I'm old and wrinkly, all the money I put into social security won't be there for me. Fucking government.
Our health insurance won't be costing me extra. I was able finagle a sweet little deal with Universal Care for myself and my wife through the benefits guy here at work that is free. Sure, doctor visits are 10 bucks more and prescriptions are a couple bucks extra, but I save in the long run. I wanted Kaiser though, but the price for that would have been nigh astronomical.
The Dental/Vision plans are the ones that are going to be causing the most monetary problems for me. I personally don't need a vision plan. 20/20 right here, can I get a woot woot for pizzerfect vision? Anyway, my wife wears glasses, so I had to get it. The dental coverage would have been free for me but not for her, and she needs a little work done, so I, once again, had to get it. Sure, it's not a fortune, but all these little things add up and make the incoming direct deposits smaller and smaller.
So here I am, 5:50 pm and still at work, talking to jerkoffs on the phone who don't know their ass from proper usage of their anti-virus program. Money is money though. Someone hand me a bullet to bite on.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Envy the Flood of Presents
So, I think I did pretty well this year as far as presents go. Most of them where from my wife, who did a stupendous job of finding these "geeky" things for me. I'll break it down into three categories.
DVD's
First up is the continuation of the best Star Wars entry yet . . . and no, it's not one that was shot by George Lucas. This is Genddy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars Season 2 show that aired on Cartoon Network. Seriously has the best Star Wars action in any of the prequels or original trilogy entries.
Continuing with the geeky theme this year, she got me the Sin City DVD, which is one of the truest comic-to-film translations 2005 had to offer. Quite possibly the most loyal to the source material ever. It's not the best comic book movie, but having the actual writer/artist co-direct helped make this film uniquely interesting.
The 40 Year Old Virgin was given to me by a co-worker as a Secret Santa present. It was thouroughly enjoyed by the wife and I. That Steve Carrel is a funny mother-muchacho. And I got the unrated version, with more titties for our unrated fun.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Vol 4 - Continuing the wacky antics of the New Jersey not-so detective agency, this currently completes our collection of ATHF DVD's until the next one comes out. Extensive extras, easter eggs, 13 episodes . . . highly recommended for anyone that enjoys laughing.
Comics
Ultimate Fantastic Four - I really dig the Ultimate line of comics from Marvel. Thanks to Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Millar, they really kick-started a fun side universe where we get fresh takes on Marvel standards without the bogdown of early Marvel continuity. I got Vol 1. from my wife, who actually walked down to the comic book store and bought it . . in person. My poor wife. She must have gotten ogled by the 37 year old virgin behind the counter.
The Walking Dead - Vol 4, this woman just loves me. It's real love when she can go to a store and pick out my favorite zombie comic out and get me the latest copy of the trade. Now I just need to get her hooked on this so she can go along with me buying other Robert Kirkman work, like Invincible.
Y The Last Man Vol 6 - This she got for me because I got her hooked on this story and she can't wait for new volumes to come out. I can't blame her, it's a really good comic book, one of the best out there, and I'm glad DC puts out the trades in a timely fashion.
Gaming
Perfect Dark Zero Collectors Edition - Ok, so I don't actually have an X Box 360 . . yet! I keep trying to buy one, but everywhere I go they're sold out. I guess it works for the best since I don't really want to put a 400+ purchase on credit. I'd much rather wait til I get my year end bonus from work and use half of that on a new game system. And thanks to my wife's foresight, I'll have a game to play on my new console . . . whenever it is that I get it.
Miscellaneaous
Belts - My brother got me not one, but two belts . . . both black, and both totally unexplainable. I was not under the impression that I was in dire need of belts, but thanks bro. I hope you enjoy the 7 pack of tighty-whities we got you.
PJ's - A Christmas tradition that my wife has brought with her, the purchasing of pajamas to be opened on Christmas eve. It's a cute tradition, and I totally fooled her into thinking that I had forgotten. I got some flannel pants and a t-shirt, along with some really kick-ass slippers. And yes, if you laugh at my slippers, I will kick your ass with them.
Shirts - This was again from my brother, who got me a polo and a long sleeve t-shirt. Both a size too small, so I guess I need to go on a diet to be able to fit into them. Thanks for the hint . . . you hippity hoppity mofo'er.
Cash - A yes . . . the cashola. One of my aunts and my parents gave me some cash for the holidays, most of which has been spent . . . on groceries. AHH!! I never get what I want around here.
Stocking Stuffers - Some chocolates (dark chocolates . . my favorite) and a CD carrying case.
I think that was it, and if I'm forgetting something, I'm sure my wife will make sure to remind me on here. If she doesn't give me a black eye first. But a black eye is more of a birthday present . . . or All Saints Day. I don't know. I've gotten so many presents I had a hard time compiling this list. Yeah, that's why it took me two days to write this post. Either that, or senility is sinking in.
DVD's
First up is the continuation of the best Star Wars entry yet . . . and no, it's not one that was shot by George Lucas. This is Genddy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars Season 2 show that aired on Cartoon Network. Seriously has the best Star Wars action in any of the prequels or original trilogy entries.
Continuing with the geeky theme this year, she got me the Sin City DVD, which is one of the truest comic-to-film translations 2005 had to offer. Quite possibly the most loyal to the source material ever. It's not the best comic book movie, but having the actual writer/artist co-direct helped make this film uniquely interesting.
The 40 Year Old Virgin was given to me by a co-worker as a Secret Santa present. It was thouroughly enjoyed by the wife and I. That Steve Carrel is a funny mother-muchacho. And I got the unrated version, with more titties for our unrated fun.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Vol 4 - Continuing the wacky antics of the New Jersey not-so detective agency, this currently completes our collection of ATHF DVD's until the next one comes out. Extensive extras, easter eggs, 13 episodes . . . highly recommended for anyone that enjoys laughing.
Comics
Ultimate Fantastic Four - I really dig the Ultimate line of comics from Marvel. Thanks to Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Millar, they really kick-started a fun side universe where we get fresh takes on Marvel standards without the bogdown of early Marvel continuity. I got Vol 1. from my wife, who actually walked down to the comic book store and bought it . . in person. My poor wife. She must have gotten ogled by the 37 year old virgin behind the counter.
The Walking Dead - Vol 4, this woman just loves me. It's real love when she can go to a store and pick out my favorite zombie comic out and get me the latest copy of the trade. Now I just need to get her hooked on this so she can go along with me buying other Robert Kirkman work, like Invincible.
Y The Last Man Vol 6 - This she got for me because I got her hooked on this story and she can't wait for new volumes to come out. I can't blame her, it's a really good comic book, one of the best out there, and I'm glad DC puts out the trades in a timely fashion.
Gaming
Perfect Dark Zero Collectors Edition - Ok, so I don't actually have an X Box 360 . . yet! I keep trying to buy one, but everywhere I go they're sold out. I guess it works for the best since I don't really want to put a 400+ purchase on credit. I'd much rather wait til I get my year end bonus from work and use half of that on a new game system. And thanks to my wife's foresight, I'll have a game to play on my new console . . . whenever it is that I get it.
Miscellaneaous
Belts - My brother got me not one, but two belts . . . both black, and both totally unexplainable. I was not under the impression that I was in dire need of belts, but thanks bro. I hope you enjoy the 7 pack of tighty-whities we got you.
PJ's - A Christmas tradition that my wife has brought with her, the purchasing of pajamas to be opened on Christmas eve. It's a cute tradition, and I totally fooled her into thinking that I had forgotten. I got some flannel pants and a t-shirt, along with some really kick-ass slippers. And yes, if you laugh at my slippers, I will kick your ass with them.
Shirts - This was again from my brother, who got me a polo and a long sleeve t-shirt. Both a size too small, so I guess I need to go on a diet to be able to fit into them. Thanks for the hint . . . you hippity hoppity mofo'er.
Cash - A yes . . . the cashola. One of my aunts and my parents gave me some cash for the holidays, most of which has been spent . . . on groceries. AHH!! I never get what I want around here.
Stocking Stuffers - Some chocolates (dark chocolates . . my favorite) and a CD carrying case.
I think that was it, and if I'm forgetting something, I'm sure my wife will make sure to remind me on here. If she doesn't give me a black eye first. But a black eye is more of a birthday present . . . or All Saints Day. I don't know. I've gotten so many presents I had a hard time compiling this list. Yeah, that's why it took me two days to write this post. Either that, or senility is sinking in.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Merry X-Men
Brett Ratner . . . you douche-bag. What kind of a Christmas card is this? This is terrible. Might as well cover our favorite mutants in dog shit and toss them into the celluloid. And you have the gall to superimpose your face onto Wolverine's body and then post Hugh Jackman's head on a body that is much too tall to ever be Wolverines? Full shot of Beast as well on this, which really blows if you ask my opinion. Sure Kelsey Grammer might approximate what he should sound like, but never what he should look like. I'm losing hope steadily every time I see something knew about this upcoming movie. Terrible all around.
oh, and FYI-ish . . . post #350.
Expect Delays
I'm suspending the semi-regular posting schedule here on BAFW for the duration of the holiday season. There might be a few posts here and there if I run into something I must absolutely rant about, but don't expect much. This little blog has performed way better than I originally thought it would, passing 21,000 hits and reaching 350 posts.
To the regular(s), not to worry, I shall return with more things for you to roll your eyes at. In the meantime, I suggest everyone who comes around these here parts check out the links section for other interesting blogging. Happy holidays people, and I hope you don't get a lump of coal under the tree . . . or if you're Jewish . . . 8 straight nights of dradles . . . and for the Kwanzaa people . . . just what the hell do you get? Lion testicle charm bracelets?
To the regular(s), not to worry, I shall return with more things for you to roll your eyes at. In the meantime, I suggest everyone who comes around these here parts check out the links section for other interesting blogging. Happy holidays people, and I hope you don't get a lump of coal under the tree . . . or if you're Jewish . . . 8 straight nights of dradles . . . and for the Kwanzaa people . . . just what the hell do you get? Lion testicle charm bracelets?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Giving in to Shipping
I don't like purchasing things online and then having them shipped to me. I feel like I'm at the mercy of the Postal Service or even worse, UPS/FED EX who won't leave your item at your door unless someone signs for it. This is specially troublesome for me when it's the holidays, when I would prefer to go down to a store, fight the crowd, but at least leave with something in hand.
A particular gift has been hard to find though. It's for my mother, and I need to get her something good since she's been pretty much helping us continuously throughout the year. The woman's a saint. So, I've been pretty much looking for a copy of "Into the West" on DVD. Sure, many might say "Why not jewelry?". Well, for one, I ain't rich (because you bastards don't click on my ads), and secondly, she really liked this when she watched it earlier this year on TV. The only problem with that was that she missed out on the last episode because her loud Mexican neighbors decided to have a big party the night it aired.
This really pissed her off, as I'm sure it would piss anyone off that was really into something and during the culminating episode of this televised experience, something like a loud party ruins the whole thing for you. I know I'd be pretty pissed off. The thing is, nobody has this particular DVD set in stock at their stores. I've been to a Wal-Mart, Target, Circuit City, a couple of Best Buys, and even ordered it from Circuitcity.com a month ago only to be stuck in backorder hell for 3 weeks.
Finally, I decided to check out Best Buy's online store again, that told me it was available for pick up at one of their stores nearby. Wonderful, I cancelled my Circuit City order and put in a pick-up order at the Atwater Best Buy. A couple of hours later, I check my e-mail to get the confirmation e-mail and what do you know, they don't have it available anymore. Shit! Today, I finally gave in to shipping, and chose the 2nd day shipping option which will, hopefully, get the order to me by the 24th. I'm crossing my fingers right now, and thinking positive thoughts to get this present in before that very important date.
A particular gift has been hard to find though. It's for my mother, and I need to get her something good since she's been pretty much helping us continuously throughout the year. The woman's a saint. So, I've been pretty much looking for a copy of "Into the West" on DVD. Sure, many might say "Why not jewelry?". Well, for one, I ain't rich (because you bastards don't click on my ads), and secondly, she really liked this when she watched it earlier this year on TV. The only problem with that was that she missed out on the last episode because her loud Mexican neighbors decided to have a big party the night it aired.
This really pissed her off, as I'm sure it would piss anyone off that was really into something and during the culminating episode of this televised experience, something like a loud party ruins the whole thing for you. I know I'd be pretty pissed off. The thing is, nobody has this particular DVD set in stock at their stores. I've been to a Wal-Mart, Target, Circuit City, a couple of Best Buys, and even ordered it from Circuitcity.com a month ago only to be stuck in backorder hell for 3 weeks.
Finally, I decided to check out Best Buy's online store again, that told me it was available for pick up at one of their stores nearby. Wonderful, I cancelled my Circuit City order and put in a pick-up order at the Atwater Best Buy. A couple of hours later, I check my e-mail to get the confirmation e-mail and what do you know, they don't have it available anymore. Shit! Today, I finally gave in to shipping, and chose the 2nd day shipping option which will, hopefully, get the order to me by the 24th. I'm crossing my fingers right now, and thinking positive thoughts to get this present in before that very important date.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Did The Earth Shake Last Night?
I woke up all of the sudden last night/early this morning and my bed was shaking too and fro. No, my wife was not having one of her sex dreams, she was perfectly asleep until afterwards, when she woke up and confusedly told me to go back to sleep. I'm just wondering if there was an earthquake in the Los Angeles area last night. I checked the Yahoo news page but only found references to an earthquake in Africa, which, while being strong, probably did not contribute to my bed shaking around like it was playing in a Moon Bounce.
Now, there might be a more paranormal explanation rather than a geological one. My wife is convinced that our house is haunted. I think some people might have died of old age/disease in it before my father in law acquired it, and these ghosts might still be haunting the house. She's had some strange (non-drug related) occassions where she thinks she heard a voice telling her to wake up and sometimes she felt something move her or heard something in another room.
What if what was shaking my bed last night was an irate ghost? If someone doesn't tell me that there was some sort of seismic activity in southern California last night, I'm going to have to assume that it was. Now, I just need to know where I stashed my Positronic Ionizing Conductor so I can trap this ghost without having to call the actual GhostBusters.
Now, there might be a more paranormal explanation rather than a geological one. My wife is convinced that our house is haunted. I think some people might have died of old age/disease in it before my father in law acquired it, and these ghosts might still be haunting the house. She's had some strange (non-drug related) occassions where she thinks she heard a voice telling her to wake up and sometimes she felt something move her or heard something in another room.
What if what was shaking my bed last night was an irate ghost? If someone doesn't tell me that there was some sort of seismic activity in southern California last night, I'm going to have to assume that it was. Now, I just need to know where I stashed my Positronic Ionizing Conductor so I can trap this ghost without having to call the actual GhostBusters.
Friday, December 16, 2005
The Wife Request
My wife complained a little about The Sal's request to see a retarded midget picture, so I asked "Honey, what do you want to see on the blog". She mentioned something about the Ouch of the Day and I groaned, and then she conceded, with a sigh, to seeing animal sex featured here. Now, anyone can show a picture of animals getting it on, but inter-species animal sex is just a little hard to find. Here, I have provided her with a picture of a sheep getting it doggy-style from a kangaroo . . . which is also a subtle message to her as to what I have planned for our evening *wink wink*. I just need to remind her that she'll be the sheep and I'm taking kangaroo duties . . . because it could end up being an uncomfortable night if the roles are reversed. Yikes!
Old-Timey Terms & Grievances
Working in a tech support department, I wouldn't expect to run into old timey terms like "rigomarole" but it happens. And I just want to chuckle and laugh at the people that use this repeatedly. What is this? 1939? It's a computer crash, not the stock market crash. I do realize that most of the people that call us are elderly . . . because no one can fuck up a computer like the elderly can. They even call in and profess to not being "tech guru's". I thought you'd have to be Indian to be a guru.
So, whenever one of these people calls in saying that they're not tech savvy and are computer illiterate and have been dealing with the rigomarole that is our telephone system, I just want to strangle a puppy. Now, I don't usually feel like strangling puppies, but you can imagine how annoying it is to have to deal with people who act like idiots when it comes to taking care of their precious 350 dollar Gateways and Dells.
Now, our techs here in this particular tech support department are great. They are extremely knowledgeable and courteous, but I can hear them getting screamed at by these morons on a daily basis. One of them even had to take care of a lady that began crying and cursing our program because she thought it broke her computer. It ended up being her actually messing up her computer even before she added our software in there. And then she called back because she denied herself access to the internet and then wanted to know why the program was acting that way. Genius.
I'm still calling out for tests to be handed out so that Computer User Licenses can be handed out to people who can actually get around the computer without breaking it in a million pieces just by looking at it.
And then there are the people that call in that don't have any idea what we're asking for. Is it that hard to have your user name/client number on you? And what about the people that whisper their account information. What's the deal with that. Or the really slow people who take forever to find their account numbers and then speedtalk their info at us?? Jerkoffs.
I might be treading old water here, but it is Friday, and it's been a long week . . . and I can't wait for 5:30 pm any longer. Puppies beware, if I see one of you's . . . you're toast.
So, whenever one of these people calls in saying that they're not tech savvy and are computer illiterate and have been dealing with the rigomarole that is our telephone system, I just want to strangle a puppy. Now, I don't usually feel like strangling puppies, but you can imagine how annoying it is to have to deal with people who act like idiots when it comes to taking care of their precious 350 dollar Gateways and Dells.
Now, our techs here in this particular tech support department are great. They are extremely knowledgeable and courteous, but I can hear them getting screamed at by these morons on a daily basis. One of them even had to take care of a lady that began crying and cursing our program because she thought it broke her computer. It ended up being her actually messing up her computer even before she added our software in there. And then she called back because she denied herself access to the internet and then wanted to know why the program was acting that way. Genius.
I'm still calling out for tests to be handed out so that Computer User Licenses can be handed out to people who can actually get around the computer without breaking it in a million pieces just by looking at it.
And then there are the people that call in that don't have any idea what we're asking for. Is it that hard to have your user name/client number on you? And what about the people that whisper their account information. What's the deal with that. Or the really slow people who take forever to find their account numbers and then speedtalk their info at us?? Jerkoffs.
I might be treading old water here, but it is Friday, and it's been a long week . . . and I can't wait for 5:30 pm any longer. Puppies beware, if I see one of you's . . . you're toast.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Nipple-Topia - Rachel McAdams
I don't know what it is about December, but it seems that the nipple slip is all the rage this month. Case in point, Rachel McAdams, who just let everyone see what's been hiding under the fabric covering her breasts. This happened during the premiere of that "The Family Stone" movie, and some people might be delighted that this happened. But, upon closer inspection, it seems that something's amiss. Let's take a closer look at the strange anomaly that might just make you put your penis back in your pants. 
Umm . . is that hair surrounding her nipples?? What the fuck's up with that?? Is this some sort of Canadian specific gene that makes the women grow hair around their nipples to deal with the chilly winter climates? I think she's got more hair around her nipples than I do, which would make her more of a man than I am. That, my dear reader(s) is not a good sign. I guess some of Rob Schneider must have rubbed off on her during filming of "The Hot Chick". I think the curse that switched their bodies hasn't been fully lifted. Next time you go out in public wearing one of those wardrobe-malfunction prone dresses, I suggest you shave your chest Rachel. Seriously, you're killing the dreams of hundreds of thousands of fanboys around the world. Shame on you and your Monet-ish nipples. Even Tara Reid and her weird amoeba-shaped areolas are hairless.
Keira Knightly Exposed
This one goes out to all the fans of the celebrity nip-slip. Looks like a modeling shoot Ms. Knightly did, but relax, this is not the only place that you can check out her boobies. Just rent The Jacket to check her out in some bathtub action. Although, if you rent that movie, you run the risk of jacking off to Adrien Brody during their sex scene . . . cause you just can't tell them apart from the neck down. Keira, while being cute and all, is not very much well endowed. People still dig her though. Must the that lythe physique of hers and the fact that she looks better than 99% of the female population of the United Kingdom. Margaret Thatcher beats her out. And so does the Queen Mum. MMM wrinkles. So, enjoy the little treasures displayed on her chest. Expect those to be enhanced by corsets in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
Lady in the Water - One Sheet & Synopsis
This is the poster for the upcoming M. Night Shyamalan (I hope I spelled that right) movie that promises to be twist-free . . . so feel free to shout with joy. See what I did there, twist & shout in the same sentence. But anyway, this is what it's all about: From writer-director M. Night Shyamalan (The Village, Signs, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense) comes Lady in the Water, a story originally conceived by Shyamalan for his children.Interesting, I wonder who Night's pot dealer is supplying him with . . . allegedly
Fate won’t let you hide forever.
Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti) has been quietly trying to disappear among the burned-out lightbulbs and broken appliances of the Cove apartment complex. But on the night that irrevocably changes his life, Cleveland finds someone else hiding in the mundane routine of the modest building – a mysterious young woman named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), who has been living in the passageways beneath the building’s swimming pool. Cleveland discovers that Story is actually a “narf” – a nymph-like character from an epic bedtime story who is being stalked by vicious creatures determined to prevent her from making the treacherous journey from our world back to hers. Story’s unique powers of perception reveal the fates of Cleveland’s fellow tenants, whose destinies are tied directly to her own, and they must work together to decipher a series of codes that will unlock the pathway to her freedom. But the window of opportunity for Story to return home is closing rapidly, and the tenants are putting their own lives at great risk to help her. Cleveland will have to face the demons that have followed him to the Cove – and the other tenants must seize the special powers that Story has brought out in them – if they hope to succeed in their daring and dangerous quest to save her world...and ours.
*Lifed from CHUD.
Box Office Gross-out . . . Late
You know, sometimes I forget to do things around here, and my semi-regular weekly report on the box office top ten kind of fell by the wayside this week. But fear not, since I have fished the appropiate info from the cracks in my couch.
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - The most unwieldy title of the bunch gets the top spot. Mostly because church groups have been pushing the advertising on this. Kind of like the Passion of the Christ, but with griffons. And less torture. But is it good?? Sure, I enjoyed the parts I watched (damn kids and their tiny bladders) and if some kids kept their kicking of the back of my seat to a minimum it would have been better. My wife enjoyed it thoroughly though, and she's read the books. I don't do much of that there readin'.
2. Syriana - This intrigues me, but not enough to catch it in the theaters. I know it's probably really great and it will open up my awareness to just how the oil industry operates . . . but there are no swords and centaurs and children put in really dangerous and life-threatening situations . . . so I might just catch it on DVD.
3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - My adult brother is really interested in this movie. And by really interested in this I mean he's really interested in the blossoming physique of Hermione. Yes, I know, he's a pervert. I'm waiting 'til she turns 18, then I might drool when I see her on screen. Until then, I'll let my pervert brother handle the salivating.
4. Walk the Line - Reese Witherspoon's chin keeps raking in the dough. I'm sure that Joaquin Phoenix's brain eating frogs are helping too, but not as much as the chin. I swear, that thing belongs in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
5. Yours, Mine & Ours - 18 kids huh. This is basically Cheaper by the Dozen & a Half. But, to tell you the truth, 18 kids would make for a pretty fat little tax rebate check. Unfortunately, it doesn't amount to much more than what this movie is taking in at the box office.
6. Aeon Flux - Charlize Theron is seemingly slumming it in this. After those Oscar Bait performances of hers, she does a scifi movie? Hmm . . . methinks someone needed a new phat ride and a paycheck to pay for it.
7. Just Friends - Fat suits are funny. Not funny enough, but having Ryan Reynolds in one should have generated more money. That poor guy, after Van Wilder, he's just been struggling to find something that will make him the star he deserves to be. Maybe his next project will do better.
8. Pride and Prejudice - The reason this is not doing well is . . . well . . . they cast Keira Knightley as the frumpy, unappealing sister. What??! Are they mad? Bollocks to that bloody soddin idea! Whoa, I reverted into limey-speak there for a bit. I think I just need a spot'o tea to calm me down. Cheerio.
9. Chicken Little - Even Zach Braff couldn't save Disney's plunge into the CG animated kids movie . . . as it keeps sinking deeper and deeper and away from any measure of Pixar movie gold. It's a shame that the House of the Mouse let that studio slip away from it. Cars will be their last collaboration, and from the trailers for that, it just looks like something Pixar is doing just for the contractual obligations. I don't hold much hope for the quality of that one, but it will make loads of cash for Disney. One last hurrah before we get to watch truly unhindered Pixar greatness.
10. Rent - This musical about aids, squatting, and a year in the lives of several people is making enough to actually pay rent. My wife wants to drag me to this, but I'm sticking to my guns and not letting myself get dragged to this. Thankfully, the King Kong remake opening this weekend will make her forget about this dog of a movie and will save me from having to watch it. Thank you Peter Jackson. You are my shaggy hero.
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - The most unwieldy title of the bunch gets the top spot. Mostly because church groups have been pushing the advertising on this. Kind of like the Passion of the Christ, but with griffons. And less torture. But is it good?? Sure, I enjoyed the parts I watched (damn kids and their tiny bladders) and if some kids kept their kicking of the back of my seat to a minimum it would have been better. My wife enjoyed it thoroughly though, and she's read the books. I don't do much of that there readin'.
2. Syriana - This intrigues me, but not enough to catch it in the theaters. I know it's probably really great and it will open up my awareness to just how the oil industry operates . . . but there are no swords and centaurs and children put in really dangerous and life-threatening situations . . . so I might just catch it on DVD.
3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - My adult brother is really interested in this movie. And by really interested in this I mean he's really interested in the blossoming physique of Hermione. Yes, I know, he's a pervert. I'm waiting 'til she turns 18, then I might drool when I see her on screen. Until then, I'll let my pervert brother handle the salivating.
4. Walk the Line - Reese Witherspoon's chin keeps raking in the dough. I'm sure that Joaquin Phoenix's brain eating frogs are helping too, but not as much as the chin. I swear, that thing belongs in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
5. Yours, Mine & Ours - 18 kids huh. This is basically Cheaper by the Dozen & a Half. But, to tell you the truth, 18 kids would make for a pretty fat little tax rebate check. Unfortunately, it doesn't amount to much more than what this movie is taking in at the box office.
6. Aeon Flux - Charlize Theron is seemingly slumming it in this. After those Oscar Bait performances of hers, she does a scifi movie? Hmm . . . methinks someone needed a new phat ride and a paycheck to pay for it.
7. Just Friends - Fat suits are funny. Not funny enough, but having Ryan Reynolds in one should have generated more money. That poor guy, after Van Wilder, he's just been struggling to find something that will make him the star he deserves to be. Maybe his next project will do better.
8. Pride and Prejudice - The reason this is not doing well is . . . well . . . they cast Keira Knightley as the frumpy, unappealing sister. What??! Are they mad? Bollocks to that bloody soddin idea! Whoa, I reverted into limey-speak there for a bit. I think I just need a spot'o tea to calm me down. Cheerio.
9. Chicken Little - Even Zach Braff couldn't save Disney's plunge into the CG animated kids movie . . . as it keeps sinking deeper and deeper and away from any measure of Pixar movie gold. It's a shame that the House of the Mouse let that studio slip away from it. Cars will be their last collaboration, and from the trailers for that, it just looks like something Pixar is doing just for the contractual obligations. I don't hold much hope for the quality of that one, but it will make loads of cash for Disney. One last hurrah before we get to watch truly unhindered Pixar greatness.
10. Rent - This musical about aids, squatting, and a year in the lives of several people is making enough to actually pay rent. My wife wants to drag me to this, but I'm sticking to my guns and not letting myself get dragged to this. Thankfully, the King Kong remake opening this weekend will make her forget about this dog of a movie and will save me from having to watch it. Thank you Peter Jackson. You are my shaggy hero.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I Fought The Law . . .
. . . and for once, I won. Who would have known. Miracles do happen. And just what the hell am I talking about? No, I didn't have a Terminator-like shootout in a police station (yet), just a little trouble with a parking ticket.
This morning I pulled into the paid parking lot to find a place to nap before work. For the heck of it, I thought I'd check out all the rows to see if I could find a dead meter. Sure enough, there was one, and I parked, listened to the radio, and at a quarter to nine I headed out to the office. Around 11 a pal and I went down to the parking lot to smoke (not me, 'cause he only smokes Marlboro Red 100's, and apparently, I don't have enough hairs on my chest to handle those) and I noticed a yellow envelope sitting on my window.
I walk over and what do I see? A parking citation?? What?? On a meter that reads "Dead Out of Order"!! I am a bit flabergasted by this at the time, but I keep my cool, and eventually flag down one of the meter maids riding around in their modified Jeeps (that's what the City of Glendale uses . . .by modified I mean steering on the wrong side).
She drives over to my car and checks out the meter, checks out the ticket, tells me "Ok, I'll take care of this." I think it helped that I am dashingly good looking but the facts were there. I was ticketed wrongly, and she took care of it. I even asked her "Is it ok to leave my car here?" and she replied with a "Yes, you can leave it there".
So, for once, score for me. Screw you Glendale. You lose this round.
This morning I pulled into the paid parking lot to find a place to nap before work. For the heck of it, I thought I'd check out all the rows to see if I could find a dead meter. Sure enough, there was one, and I parked, listened to the radio, and at a quarter to nine I headed out to the office. Around 11 a pal and I went down to the parking lot to smoke (not me, 'cause he only smokes Marlboro Red 100's, and apparently, I don't have enough hairs on my chest to handle those) and I noticed a yellow envelope sitting on my window.
I walk over and what do I see? A parking citation?? What?? On a meter that reads "Dead Out of Order"!! I am a bit flabergasted by this at the time, but I keep my cool, and eventually flag down one of the meter maids riding around in their modified Jeeps (that's what the City of Glendale uses . . .by modified I mean steering on the wrong side).
She drives over to my car and checks out the meter, checks out the ticket, tells me "Ok, I'll take care of this." I think it helped that I am dashingly good looking but the facts were there. I was ticketed wrongly, and she took care of it. I even asked her "Is it ok to leave my car here?" and she replied with a "Yes, you can leave it there".
So, for once, score for me. Screw you Glendale. You lose this round.
Seriously, Quit Trying
Seriously, Scarlett Johansson, quit trying to make me jealous. I know you want me, and my refusal to go a couple of rounds in the sack with you must have been earth-shattering. But getting spicy roles in Woody Allen movies to get back at me is just ridiculous. I don't care what pretty boy you're macking it with, it's not going to change the fact that I love my wife and I'm not going to cheat on her. Sheesh! It's hard being monogamous sometimes. 
And does it seem a little odd that Scarlett is starring in a film that involves her being the "other woman". You're a good actress and all with some terrific . . ahem . . talent(s) . . . but isn't this hitting a little close to home? Is this how you're dealing with it Scarlett. Oh well. Go on and kiss your pretty boy actors in the rain while wearing a wet shirt. It's fine, I wish you the best. But seriously, quit dreaming about something that won't happen. Time to take my psych meds now. Toodles.
The Mark Rogers Request
While not quite the nipple slip, it is a celebrity (currently marginal, but celebrity nonetheless) displaying nippleage through the sheerest of fabrics. I don't know what Jennifer Love Hewitt was thinking when she slipped into this get-up, but bless her heart. Or bossoms. I just hope she was attending the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards or whatever that thing's called. She would transcend celebrity status and would attain saint-hood here at BFAW for such great service to the kids. Because everyone knows that Jennifer Love Hewitt nipple-age is the stuff that pubescent wet dreams are made of.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Supplemental Income
I love making money, and I especially like it when making said money involves as little effort on my part as possible. Sure, I hold a steady job where I have to deal with jackasses and morons on a daily basis and it's entirely mind-draining . . . but a paycheck's a paycheck. Now, this post is not about that. This is about the cash I make on the side, and as much as I would like my little side gig to be the black market sale of human organs (kaching!), it's something that requires much less surgical implements and more of an opinionated demeanor.
I am a part-time market research-ist. This is not the a formal term, this is just something I coined for myself on the way back from tonight's little market research session. The reason I like these gigs is simple. Minimal effort for maximum pay. I've given my opinions on a miriad of subjects from beer taste-testing to videogame testing. I'm not a fan of beer per say, but it did pay upwards of 200 bucks for 8 one-hour sessions.
Recently, though, I had hit a dry spell on the market research front. It had been months since I had participated, but now, all of the sudden, the recruiters are calling. Last week I had a granola bar testing session that lasted less than an hour and paid out 30 bucks. Today's market research session was an actual market research-ist's dream . . . an overbooking. In the market research world, they recruit more people than they need. But, instead of sending you home empty-handed, they pay you anyway. The would-be 2 hour session on cigarettes turned into a 15 minute sit-around waiting to get paid. How much? 75 bucks. God I love this business.
Tomorrow I have 2 lined up. I have to go to a Taco Bell at 6:30 in the morning to taste some tacos for an undertimate amount of money. Can't be less than 30 bucks, which is fantastic since they're paying you to eat. Then, after I go to work, I have to head out to North Hollywood for a couple of hours worth of watching something that's Comedy Central-related. That's another 70 bucks. I just hope they keep calling me.
And I know, the recruiters always ask if the person they're screening hasn't done any market research sessions in the past few months. You're supposed to answer this question with a no and tell them, if they want more info, that it hasn't been less than a year since you last did something like this. Is it ethical to do this? Who cares? Fuck them for not keeping more accurate records. I need to make up all the holiday money I've spent somehow. A brotha has to hustle for the dolla' sometimes.
Where do I find these? Craig's List. It's a great resource on finding all things market research and other gig-related things. I suggest you check it out. If you want to make some money the easy way. Oh, but it's perfectly ok if you want to keep making all your money the chump way . . . by putting effort into it. Pfft! Loser.
I am a part-time market research-ist. This is not the a formal term, this is just something I coined for myself on the way back from tonight's little market research session. The reason I like these gigs is simple. Minimal effort for maximum pay. I've given my opinions on a miriad of subjects from beer taste-testing to videogame testing. I'm not a fan of beer per say, but it did pay upwards of 200 bucks for 8 one-hour sessions.
Recently, though, I had hit a dry spell on the market research front. It had been months since I had participated, but now, all of the sudden, the recruiters are calling. Last week I had a granola bar testing session that lasted less than an hour and paid out 30 bucks. Today's market research session was an actual market research-ist's dream . . . an overbooking. In the market research world, they recruit more people than they need. But, instead of sending you home empty-handed, they pay you anyway. The would-be 2 hour session on cigarettes turned into a 15 minute sit-around waiting to get paid. How much? 75 bucks. God I love this business.
Tomorrow I have 2 lined up. I have to go to a Taco Bell at 6:30 in the morning to taste some tacos for an undertimate amount of money. Can't be less than 30 bucks, which is fantastic since they're paying you to eat. Then, after I go to work, I have to head out to North Hollywood for a couple of hours worth of watching something that's Comedy Central-related. That's another 70 bucks. I just hope they keep calling me.
And I know, the recruiters always ask if the person they're screening hasn't done any market research sessions in the past few months. You're supposed to answer this question with a no and tell them, if they want more info, that it hasn't been less than a year since you last did something like this. Is it ethical to do this? Who cares? Fuck them for not keeping more accurate records. I need to make up all the holiday money I've spent somehow. A brotha has to hustle for the dolla' sometimes.
Where do I find these? Craig's List. It's a great resource on finding all things market research and other gig-related things. I suggest you check it out. If you want to make some money the easy way. Oh, but it's perfectly ok if you want to keep making all your money the chump way . . . by putting effort into it. Pfft! Loser.
The Sal Request
The Sal requested a picture of a retarded midget . . . and not only does he get that, but he also gets a picture of a retarded midget fishing. Holy shit, imagine that combo. Too bad the 'tard's not fishing in a sandbox, 'cause that would be perfect. For those who put in a request prior to The Sal . . . you have to remember the age old adage "Bro's before Ho's". That and "Patience Daniel-San". That's Pat Morita telling you to sit tight and don't whine about it . . . from the grave!
AFI 2005 Favorites
Looks like the AFI (the institute not the band . . . godamn punks) just released a list of their top picks for filmed entertainment in 2005. It's a pretty interesting list, and the television portion contains no sitcoms. Yay for that . . . the quality of sitcoms has steadily declined into an abyss of crap and putrid vomit that I dare not even throw my most feared enemy (Tickle Me Elmo) into in hopes that they die a stinky death.
Here are their picks for movies -
AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR -- OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Everyone loves gay cowboys.
CAPOTE - Everyone loves gay writers.
CRASH - Saw it, a little forced racism-centric plot, but ok.
THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN - Have to see it.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. - Wanted to see it, but I fell asleep during the preview.
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - Damn great movie, saw it. The Viggo "pwns" you.
KING KONG - Must see this coming week.
MUNICH - Fairly interested in this. Spielberg is a great director, and I can't wait to see Bana "Hulk-out" on some Arabs. Oh wait, it's not that kind of movie.
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE - Not the documentary I was hoping for, this could have been the "March of the Penguins" of 2005. Umm . . . scratch that. Instead, it's just a fancy-schmancy artsy-fartsy indie film.
SYRIANA - Everyone one loves oil.
Below are their picks for best television shows of 2005
AFI TV PROGRAMS OF THE YEAR -- OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
24 - Seen some of it, but hopped on the 24-train too late, so I'm just lost most of the time.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA - Best new Sci-Fi show, don't even know why it's on the Sci-fi channel. They usually play crap there, like "Mansquito" . . . yikes!
DEADWOOD - Everyone loves the word "Cocksucker".
GREY'S ANATOMY - The doctors play doctor with each other.
HOUSE - The doctors play asshole with each other . . . not with each other's assholes.
LOST - I'm so hooked by this show I might start turning tricks for it if it asked me nicely.
RESCUE ME - Hilarious, poigniant, moving, raw . . . and it stars Dennis Leary? Lucifer must be ice-skating right now.
SLEEPER CELL - Everyone loves terrorists . . . oh wait.
SOMETIMES IN APRIL - What I do sometimes in April . . . not watch HBO.
VERONICA MARS - Despite the blisteringly hot chick in this show and the rave reviews it gets . . . I don't watch it. Mostly because it's opposite Lost, and I don't TiVo . . . yet.
There you have it. Feel good if most of the shows featured are in your television rotation. Feel like a watcher of the Blue Collar Comedy show if they're not.
Here are their picks for movies -
AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR -- OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Everyone loves gay cowboys.
CAPOTE - Everyone loves gay writers.
CRASH - Saw it, a little forced racism-centric plot, but ok.
THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN - Have to see it.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. - Wanted to see it, but I fell asleep during the preview.
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - Damn great movie, saw it. The Viggo "pwns" you.
KING KONG - Must see this coming week.
MUNICH - Fairly interested in this. Spielberg is a great director, and I can't wait to see Bana "Hulk-out" on some Arabs. Oh wait, it's not that kind of movie.
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE - Not the documentary I was hoping for, this could have been the "March of the Penguins" of 2005. Umm . . . scratch that. Instead, it's just a fancy-schmancy artsy-fartsy indie film.
SYRIANA - Everyone one loves oil.
Below are their picks for best television shows of 2005
AFI TV PROGRAMS OF THE YEAR -- OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
24 - Seen some of it, but hopped on the 24-train too late, so I'm just lost most of the time.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA - Best new Sci-Fi show, don't even know why it's on the Sci-fi channel. They usually play crap there, like "Mansquito" . . . yikes!
DEADWOOD - Everyone loves the word "Cocksucker".
GREY'S ANATOMY - The doctors play doctor with each other.
HOUSE - The doctors play asshole with each other . . . not with each other's assholes.
LOST - I'm so hooked by this show I might start turning tricks for it if it asked me nicely.
RESCUE ME - Hilarious, poigniant, moving, raw . . . and it stars Dennis Leary? Lucifer must be ice-skating right now.
SLEEPER CELL - Everyone loves terrorists . . . oh wait.
SOMETIMES IN APRIL - What I do sometimes in April . . . not watch HBO.
VERONICA MARS - Despite the blisteringly hot chick in this show and the rave reviews it gets . . . I don't watch it. Mostly because it's opposite Lost, and I don't TiVo . . . yet.
There you have it. Feel good if most of the shows featured are in your television rotation. Feel like a watcher of the Blue Collar Comedy show if they're not.
BAFW Catering Service
You might have noticed the frequency of posting declining a bit around here. I know, it's partly because I'm a lazy fuck sometimes, and partly because I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to buy Christmas presents for my large family. OK . . . maybe not for all of them, mostly for my wife (14 presents under the tree for her).
So . . . I have a request for the three people that regularly check up on this blog. What do you want to see in here? Naked hot chicks? Naked humped one-legged eye-patch wearing hippie midgets? Tell me what you want me to write about. I'm taking requests. Just drop a little note here in the comments section and you might see a you-inspired post from me.
Won't that make you feel special? I know it will. Like "Special-Ed" ride the short bus to school "special".
So . . . I have a request for the three people that regularly check up on this blog. What do you want to see in here? Naked hot chicks? Naked humped one-legged eye-patch wearing hippie midgets? Tell me what you want me to write about. I'm taking requests. Just drop a little note here in the comments section and you might see a you-inspired post from me.
Won't that make you feel special? I know it will. Like "Special-Ed" ride the short bus to school "special".
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Nightmares Combined
My wife and I have a couple of fears that really don't find themselves populating the same entity at the same time. She's got this thing against midgets. I don't know where it comes from, but she gets the urge to kick them whenever one strays into her line of sight. Thankfully (and legally) I have been able to restrain her long enough for the little person to exit the proximity range of her furious thrashing.
I, on the other hand, have this fear of retards. Sure, they're funny and all . . . but they have the strength of ten men and don't know when they are displaying this super-human strenght. If you're a puppy or a woman with long dark brown hair and you see a guy named Lenny coming at you . . . run!
So imagine my abject horror as I was buying lunch today when I see, strolling into the eating establishment . . . a retarded midget. Holy crap on a stick! Thankfully, I was on my way out and was able to escape the half-strength'd menace. But I called the wife and she said "Holy shit, no way". Yes, I know we're terrible, but you have to understand . . . the fear just grips us, and there's nothing one can do about it. It's like a disease, like alcoholism *snaps beer bottle cap off* you can't fight it. Now, I need to get back to work.
I, on the other hand, have this fear of retards. Sure, they're funny and all . . . but they have the strength of ten men and don't know when they are displaying this super-human strenght. If you're a puppy or a woman with long dark brown hair and you see a guy named Lenny coming at you . . . run!
So imagine my abject horror as I was buying lunch today when I see, strolling into the eating establishment . . . a retarded midget. Holy crap on a stick! Thankfully, I was on my way out and was able to escape the half-strength'd menace. But I called the wife and she said "Holy shit, no way". Yes, I know we're terrible, but you have to understand . . . the fear just grips us, and there's nothing one can do about it. It's like a disease, like alcoholism *snaps beer bottle cap off* you can't fight it. Now, I need to get back to work.
Streisand Drops Times
Barbra Streisand just cancelled her subscription to the Los Angeles Times. This makes news on Yahoo apparently. And just why is this important? Why am i writing about it? Because it's ridiculous. I don't care if she fucking ended her subscription to Martha Stewart Living because she doesn't like the towels that Stewart might be hocking that issue. Seriously, is the news so hard up for content that they will report on some cantankerous, way past her prime former diva that doesn't want to get a newspaper anymore? Oh no, how's she going to keep current on all the adventures of Marmaduke??!
I don't think her dropping the paper will affect its circulation much, unless she purchased a million copies a day. Then they might feel the pinch. She did have some lofty political goal behind her cancellation though. Seems the L.A. Times fired Robert Scheer, a liberal columnist that she was quite fond of.
I am borderline familiar with the guy. I hear him sometimes on NPR and he's very opinionated and speaks well and I agree with a lot of what he has to say. But if he for some reason was no longer asked to appear on NPR, I would not boycott their radio programs. Streisand is just making a big fuss over nothing really. Someone should tell her to get laid to relieve some tension. Maybe she could attend one of those Republican wife swap parties. Just a thought.
I don't think her dropping the paper will affect its circulation much, unless she purchased a million copies a day. Then they might feel the pinch. She did have some lofty political goal behind her cancellation though. Seems the L.A. Times fired Robert Scheer, a liberal columnist that she was quite fond of.
I am borderline familiar with the guy. I hear him sometimes on NPR and he's very opinionated and speaks well and I agree with a lot of what he has to say. But if he for some reason was no longer asked to appear on NPR, I would not boycott their radio programs. Streisand is just making a big fuss over nothing really. Someone should tell her to get laid to relieve some tension. Maybe she could attend one of those Republican wife swap parties. Just a thought.
Where's The Love?
I'm noticing a disturbing trend in entertainment related couples. They're all breaking up. It all started with Brad Pitt leaving Jennifer Aniston for the much hotter Angelina Jolie. I can lay blame on that one on the rapidly man-face becoming Aniston, but this is not an isolated incident.
Engagements have been broken as well, like Kimberly Stewart and the kid from Laguna Beach ending their week-long engagement. Why?! They seemed perfect for each other. Two leeches getting together to try to milk their almost-famous status.
Then Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey file for divorce. What? Did MTV not only cancel their television show, but their marriage as well? Who's Nick going to be flustered by on a daily basis now? Who is Jessica going ask important questions to like "Why's the sky blue" or "How do my nostrils work?".
Then you have this relatively thin straw that's going to break my metaphorical camel's back . . . Nicole Ritchie is ending her engagement with some jewish DJ guy. I wonder if it was more him not liking to screw around with a beaner that looked like a lighter version of one of those kids in those infomercials about starving kids and how sending them a quarter a week will help clothe and feed them.
Looming on the horizon is the eventual split of Britney Spears and K-Fed. You just know that their relationship will implode and a sea of twinkies and chewing tobacco will cover the affected vicinity of their mansion(s). She already took his Ferrari away from him.
So, where's the love people? Please, I can't go on if another Hollywood couple split. It will be too much for me.
Engagements have been broken as well, like Kimberly Stewart and the kid from Laguna Beach ending their week-long engagement. Why?! They seemed perfect for each other. Two leeches getting together to try to milk their almost-famous status.
Then Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey file for divorce. What? Did MTV not only cancel their television show, but their marriage as well? Who's Nick going to be flustered by on a daily basis now? Who is Jessica going ask important questions to like "Why's the sky blue" or "How do my nostrils work?".
Then you have this relatively thin straw that's going to break my metaphorical camel's back . . . Nicole Ritchie is ending her engagement with some jewish DJ guy. I wonder if it was more him not liking to screw around with a beaner that looked like a lighter version of one of those kids in those infomercials about starving kids and how sending them a quarter a week will help clothe and feed them.
Looming on the horizon is the eventual split of Britney Spears and K-Fed. You just know that their relationship will implode and a sea of twinkies and chewing tobacco will cover the affected vicinity of their mansion(s). She already took his Ferrari away from him.
So, where's the love people? Please, I can't go on if another Hollywood couple split. It will be too much for me.
Techno Top Ten Light
When I do this, I usually have a "humorous" write up for each one of these, but I'm lazy today. So you just get the top ten right this minute on technorati. This is what people are looking for. Some stuff on a weird squid, the ever increasing in size Gmail, Lennon's son, the air marshall that shot the bi-polar would-be bomberdier, and answers to Yahoo questions. Just what these questions are is up to you to find out. So go on, find the questions for me. I'll reward you with a plug for your blog.
1. Squidoo
2. “David Brook”
3. Gmail
4. “John Lennon”
5. “Harold Pinter”
6. “Bob Herbert”
7. “Mena Trott”
8. “Air Marshal”
9. “Yahoo Answers”
10. “Ben Metcalfe”
1. Squidoo
2. “David Brook”
3. Gmail
4. “John Lennon”
5. “Harold Pinter”
6. “Bob Herbert”
7. “Mena Trott”
8. “Air Marshal”
9. “Yahoo Answers”
10. “Ben Metcalfe”
It's That Time Again
No, I'm not having my period . . . I'm a man, I don't get those. But I do have to deal with them once a month. And Oy Vay! to that. It's time to go over search terms that get people here for some odd reason.
Pirate .jpg - From Blog Search. Everyone loves pirates. I don't blame them as to why they would want to see pictures of them. I just hope they weren't looking for naked pirate pictures. I don't have any of those in here . . . yet.
Ciera Bush - From Google. Actually, George W. Bush's third niece on his mother's side of the family. Or the tuft of hair that is currently growing out of control in the midlands area of a certain hip hop songstress.
"bald chick" -hippie - More Google goodness . . . I just haven't seen many bald chicks that are hippies at the same time. More like Neo-Nazis. Someone's getting mixed signals here.
nipple - From Opinmind Beta Search. Yeah, never heard of that search engine myself, but apparently, it's populated by perverts. Nevermind that nipples are displayed here from time to time . . . it's just wrong if you go looking for it. You make me sick.
daniel radcliffe's grandpa - Courtesy of AOL Search. What kind of sickos populate the AOL search pages. Seriously, who would want to see Harry Potter's wrinkled old grandpa telling him a naughty bedtime story. Yeah, I bet that's what they were looking for. Sick bastards.
"war at home" nipple - From Google. I still don't know what that chick's name is, but her nipple is somewhere in here. It's ok to look for it. Everyone should see it. Because it's guaranteed you will never get a chance to check it out on that terrible show on FOX.
bin laden's niece - From Myway Search. The Afghan Angelina Jolie wannabe. I'd actually make out with an Afghan dog rather than her. Those pups are pretty. And no, just make out. No bestiality ok.
can thc seep into semen - From Google. Concerned potheads want to know . . . will pot make their little swimmers lazy. And the answer is . . . No, it'll just give them the munchies. And when they are released, they'll get cramps, and die, and you will never concieve.
"gag factor" hermione - From French Google. I wonder why the French want to gag Hermione. And I wonder just what they want to gag her with. I definately know what the Dutch would gag her with. Donkey dicks. But the French . . . hmm . . .
FOX tv - "ice skating with the stars" - From MSN. The Devil uses MSN to look for stuff to watch. Yay! Now I know. And he likes FOX, which totally makes sense.
my zombie AK-74 - From Google. My prefered way of dealing with Zombies is actually a double barrel shotgun loaded with those doorbuster slugs instead of the .12 gauge buckshot, but . . . and AK-74 will work just fine as well.
joaquin phoenix / frog in hair/ the showbiz show - From Google. Seriously one of the strangest interview snippets I've ever read. Find it here. You'll laugh 'til you feel frogs nibbling on your brain.
Pirate .jpg - From Blog Search. Everyone loves pirates. I don't blame them as to why they would want to see pictures of them. I just hope they weren't looking for naked pirate pictures. I don't have any of those in here . . . yet.
Ciera Bush - From Google. Actually, George W. Bush's third niece on his mother's side of the family. Or the tuft of hair that is currently growing out of control in the midlands area of a certain hip hop songstress.
"bald chick" -hippie - More Google goodness . . . I just haven't seen many bald chicks that are hippies at the same time. More like Neo-Nazis. Someone's getting mixed signals here.
nipple - From Opinmind Beta Search. Yeah, never heard of that search engine myself, but apparently, it's populated by perverts. Nevermind that nipples are displayed here from time to time . . . it's just wrong if you go looking for it. You make me sick.
daniel radcliffe's grandpa - Courtesy of AOL Search. What kind of sickos populate the AOL search pages. Seriously, who would want to see Harry Potter's wrinkled old grandpa telling him a naughty bedtime story. Yeah, I bet that's what they were looking for. Sick bastards.
"war at home" nipple - From Google. I still don't know what that chick's name is, but her nipple is somewhere in here. It's ok to look for it. Everyone should see it. Because it's guaranteed you will never get a chance to check it out on that terrible show on FOX.
bin laden's niece - From Myway Search. The Afghan Angelina Jolie wannabe. I'd actually make out with an Afghan dog rather than her. Those pups are pretty. And no, just make out. No bestiality ok.
can thc seep into semen - From Google. Concerned potheads want to know . . . will pot make their little swimmers lazy. And the answer is . . . No, it'll just give them the munchies. And when they are released, they'll get cramps, and die, and you will never concieve.
"gag factor" hermione - From French Google. I wonder why the French want to gag Hermione. And I wonder just what they want to gag her with. I definately know what the Dutch would gag her with. Donkey dicks. But the French . . . hmm . . .
FOX tv - "ice skating with the stars" - From MSN. The Devil uses MSN to look for stuff to watch. Yay! Now I know. And he likes FOX, which totally makes sense.
my zombie AK-74 - From Google. My prefered way of dealing with Zombies is actually a double barrel shotgun loaded with those doorbuster slugs instead of the .12 gauge buckshot, but . . . and AK-74 will work just fine as well.
joaquin phoenix / frog in hair/ the showbiz show - From Google. Seriously one of the strangest interview snippets I've ever read. Find it here. You'll laugh 'til you feel frogs nibbling on your brain.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Beastly Picture
Proof positive that Brett Ratner is going to shit all over the third installment of the X-Men movie franchise. Apart from having mutant hookers and more mutants than you can shake a sentinel at, this is what they're making Beast look like. He kinda looks like an old pirate dipped in blue paint. Not impressed at all. You can check out the teaser trailer for X3 over at Apple to see this crap in motion. I haven't yet. I'm waiting 'til I go to the theater so I can violently convulse in public. That's just the kind of guy that I am I guess. A showman. I am writing out my Christmas wish letter to Santa Claus after this post. I'm going to ask him to make this upcoming movie not suck as much as it looks like it will. If it's marginally better than Fantastic Four, then I will breathe a sigh of relief. If it's Dolph Lundgren Punisher bad . . . then I'm burning my comic book collection. Brett Ratner . . . don't kill my last wife-accepted hobby with a crappy movie.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
The Almighty Pen
You know, sometimes cliche'd sayings like "the pen is mightier than the sword" really ring true for some people. Specially if the pen is loaded with a bullet and you accidentally blow your brains out with it. You see, a "budding" rapper just did this to himself.
I'm thinking of another cliche'd phrase for this dingbat with the pen-gun . . . Third time's the charm. What a mort(e). I hope someone gets the double entendre in the last sentence.
ST. PARIS, Ohio - Steven Zorn had put the pen gun to his head and clicked before, apparently thinking it was jammed and would not work. But on the third try, the tiny silver pistol went off as the 22-year-old budding rap artist was drinking to celebrate an impending record deal. He died at a hospital.If this guy was as talented as the 5 paragraph blip on Yahoo News wants me to believe, he's going to do great post-humous work a la Tupac.
I'm thinking of another cliche'd phrase for this dingbat with the pen-gun . . . Third time's the charm. What a mort(e). I hope someone gets the double entendre in the last sentence.
Singing Sandwhiches Surface
You know, just when I thought there was no reason to live anymore, when things have gotten so bad that I just can't go on without thinking about the sweet release of a well tied noose, those goddamn Brits come up with something that just saves me from the misery that is 9:00 - 5:30. Just what did they come up with you ask? Well, if you're not into reading blog entry titles . . . I'll let you know. But seriously, read the titles moron. It saves me from typing too much. Singing Sandwhiches.
Why did I not think of this idea first. Why did I let those Limey fuckers get the upper hand in the lucrative and untapped business that is musical food items. Truly an oversight on my part. I guess videogames and cartoons are killing my creative drive. Here are some excerpts from the yahoo news article:
Right now all they have is holiday themed tunes, which is great since it's the holidays and all, but it won't fly if you hear "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" in the middle of July. But have no fear, Brit company Tesco has a plan for that already.
Why did I not think of this idea first. Why did I let those Limey fuckers get the upper hand in the lucrative and untapped business that is musical food items. Truly an oversight on my part. I guess videogames and cartoons are killing my creative drive. Here are some excerpts from the yahoo news article:
Opening the top of the sandwich box will activate a tiny sound module that plays a selection of music. This season's offering will be a medley of Christmas tunes including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.You know, hearing Jingle Bells while eating my lunch at work would really help me keep my Tec-9 securily tucked in my knapsack . . . or as my wife calls it . . . my man-purse.
Right now all they have is holiday themed tunes, which is great since it's the holidays and all, but it won't fly if you hear "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" in the middle of July. But have no fear, Brit company Tesco has a plan for that already.
But further out, flavour/song combinations under consideration include Prawn To Be Wild, Let It Brie and that old Julio Iglesias favourite, Fillings, Tesco said.Now, if they could get a tuna sandwhich that could play that "pop that coochie" song for me . . . I'd be in tuna heaven.
Technical Difficulties
There's just no accounting for common sense when you're a computer user I guess. Dealing with the hundreds of customers that call in that have difficulties with their anti-virus software is starting to grind on my grip on sanity. Seriously, how hard is it not to fuck up your computers?
For example, if you have a copy of an anti-virus program, why would you load another one on there and not expect there to be some problems? People think they can just load up their computers with crap. Multiple anti-spyware programs, multiple toolbars that block spam, programs that block adware, etc etc etc . . . and then they load an all-inclusive antivirus suite . . . what the hell do you expect is going to happen.
For those not in the know, it's going to make your life a living hell. That's what's going to happen. All these other extraneous programs will start attacking your AV program and removing code from it. So that pretty AV program that's supposed to be the best of the best just got crippled. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if the crippling process didn't take out your whole computer as by-product.
See, this paranoia that perpetuates the internet using populace is out of control. Everyone is thinking that they're going to get a nasty virus even if they turn on the computer. This feeling of constant attack is just created by companies like AOL and their security commercials and the other companies that provide internet service. It's in their best interest to foster this culture of fear of the haXXors. And I know that I wouldn't have a job if these bastard virus writers, but I also wouldn't have this rapidly forming ulcer.
See, the problem is inherently in you, the user. You . . who thought I'd be neat to buy a 300 dollar piece of crap computer 'cause it's cheap and you want to make Bill Gates richer. You who's total knowledge about computing is how to push the start button and wait for AIM to load up so you can ASL to your heart's content. The Sal and I were talking about this at short length last night when he was over. I jokingly suggested that there should be a test. If you pass this test, then you can use a computer. If you don't, then you would have no business using this complicated piece of machinery. The more I think about it, the better that idea sounds. It would be like a Driver's License, but for computers.
I think everyone in the computer tech support industry would breath a sigh of relief if this were to ever go through. It won't, of course, but a phone monkey can dream . . . right?
For example, if you have a copy of an anti-virus program, why would you load another one on there and not expect there to be some problems? People think they can just load up their computers with crap. Multiple anti-spyware programs, multiple toolbars that block spam, programs that block adware, etc etc etc . . . and then they load an all-inclusive antivirus suite . . . what the hell do you expect is going to happen.
For those not in the know, it's going to make your life a living hell. That's what's going to happen. All these other extraneous programs will start attacking your AV program and removing code from it. So that pretty AV program that's supposed to be the best of the best just got crippled. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if the crippling process didn't take out your whole computer as by-product.
See, this paranoia that perpetuates the internet using populace is out of control. Everyone is thinking that they're going to get a nasty virus even if they turn on the computer. This feeling of constant attack is just created by companies like AOL and their security commercials and the other companies that provide internet service. It's in their best interest to foster this culture of fear of the haXXors. And I know that I wouldn't have a job if these bastard virus writers, but I also wouldn't have this rapidly forming ulcer.
See, the problem is inherently in you, the user. You . . who thought I'd be neat to buy a 300 dollar piece of crap computer 'cause it's cheap and you want to make Bill Gates richer. You who's total knowledge about computing is how to push the start button and wait for AIM to load up so you can ASL to your heart's content. The Sal and I were talking about this at short length last night when he was over. I jokingly suggested that there should be a test. If you pass this test, then you can use a computer. If you don't, then you would have no business using this complicated piece of machinery. The more I think about it, the better that idea sounds. It would be like a Driver's License, but for computers.
I think everyone in the computer tech support industry would breath a sigh of relief if this were to ever go through. It won't, of course, but a phone monkey can dream . . . right?
Monday, December 05, 2005
The Bizzarity of Womanhood
I don't understand women. I'm married to one, I know that much, but goddammit . . . I just don't know what goes through her head at times. Fucked if I will ever know at that. Just to illustrate this, I will recount a recent event in the craziness that is woman. Yesterday, after helping out my parents move into their new home, I thought I'd do something nice for the wife and I picked up a Cappuccino Blast for her (because she loves them) and surprise her with it.
It goes over great, and she's telling me how sweet I am and how much she loves me and etc etc etc and then she says "You remembered when I said yesterday that I wanted one of these and you got it for me". I have no clue as to what the hell she's talking about, and maybe I should have just gone along with it. But fuck, I am too honest and I guess stupid to realize that there's going to be a foot stuck in my mouth soon. I say "Um, honey, I don't remember you saying that, but maybe, subconciously, it was rolling around in my brain. I got it for you because I know you like them".
Her face went from joy to complete sadness. Then she says "You ruined it". What?? I don't know what I just ruined but I try to rationalize with her trying to get me out of the doghouse that I just got thrown in. Eventually, I say "Um, actually, I do remember you saying that you wanted one of these yesterday". She then smiles, and says "Don't ever ruin anything ever again".
Women are fucking nuts I tell you. I won't even get into the chapstick incident that followed, I'll leave that for another day . . . if I'm still alive after my wife reads this. I love my wife, don't get me wrong. I just don't understand her sometimes.
It goes over great, and she's telling me how sweet I am and how much she loves me and etc etc etc and then she says "You remembered when I said yesterday that I wanted one of these and you got it for me". I have no clue as to what the hell she's talking about, and maybe I should have just gone along with it. But fuck, I am too honest and I guess stupid to realize that there's going to be a foot stuck in my mouth soon. I say "Um, honey, I don't remember you saying that, but maybe, subconciously, it was rolling around in my brain. I got it for you because I know you like them".
Her face went from joy to complete sadness. Then she says "You ruined it". What?? I don't know what I just ruined but I try to rationalize with her trying to get me out of the doghouse that I just got thrown in. Eventually, I say "Um, actually, I do remember you saying that you wanted one of these yesterday". She then smiles, and says "Don't ever ruin anything ever again".
Women are fucking nuts I tell you. I won't even get into the chapstick incident that followed, I'll leave that for another day . . . if I'm still alive after my wife reads this. I love my wife, don't get me wrong. I just don't understand her sometimes.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Lost Recapper 11/30/05
I should have written this yesterday, but I got lazy . . . or I forgot . . . or maybe you ingrateful bastards should just be glad I wrote it after all. So quit'cher bitchin' and read up on your favorite brand of televised crack.
If you missed this last episode, then you missed out on the last new episode of the year. No new Lost 'til Jan '06. Start thinking about suicide if this affects you much. But, for the rest of us that love the show but don't depend on it for life, what you missed was a pretty good Kate-centric episode. It was titled "What Kate Did" and you get to see why she went on the run from the law initially. What she did was kill her dad because he was an abusive and lecherous sonofabitch and her mom turned her in. What a family. She also started seeing a black horse on the island, that Sawyer at the end of the episode saw as well . . . alleviating her "am I insane" thoughts. And she made out with Jack, which seemed like an impulsive and not entirely thought out action on her part.
You also missed Shannon's funeral, in which Sayed said some words and then pussied out. It's all very emotional, and I think my wife teared up a little. Also, if you remember the episode titled "Orientation", Mr. Ecko gives Locke a reel of tape he found on the other bunker, Locke splices it back into the one they had, and they learn that they can't use the computer for anything other than punching in the "Lost numbers". We see this just as Michael is fiddling with it and he sees some words on the screen and he starts a conversation. When he identifies himself, the words "DAD?" show up on the screen and the episode ends. Wow, what a cliffhanger those bastards throw at us.
In other Lost-related news, Michelle Rodriguez got pulled over and charged with a DUI, which gets her license revoked. So did the actress that plays Libby. They were not in the same car. What are these people doing in Hawaii? Having wild keggers all the time? Oh, and people are affectionately referring to the Ana Lucia character as "AnaL". Cute huh. I don't know if this is a term of endearment or a jab at her terribly surly acting skills. Oh well. If you missed any of the first episodes like myself, it's a good time to get caught up. ABC will most likely be replaying these in order since we have to wait til mid-January for new episodes.
If you missed this last episode, then you missed out on the last new episode of the year. No new Lost 'til Jan '06. Start thinking about suicide if this affects you much. But, for the rest of us that love the show but don't depend on it for life, what you missed was a pretty good Kate-centric episode. It was titled "What Kate Did" and you get to see why she went on the run from the law initially. What she did was kill her dad because he was an abusive and lecherous sonofabitch and her mom turned her in. What a family. She also started seeing a black horse on the island, that Sawyer at the end of the episode saw as well . . . alleviating her "am I insane" thoughts. And she made out with Jack, which seemed like an impulsive and not entirely thought out action on her part.
You also missed Shannon's funeral, in which Sayed said some words and then pussied out. It's all very emotional, and I think my wife teared up a little. Also, if you remember the episode titled "Orientation", Mr. Ecko gives Locke a reel of tape he found on the other bunker, Locke splices it back into the one they had, and they learn that they can't use the computer for anything other than punching in the "Lost numbers". We see this just as Michael is fiddling with it and he sees some words on the screen and he starts a conversation. When he identifies himself, the words "DAD?" show up on the screen and the episode ends. Wow, what a cliffhanger those bastards throw at us.
In other Lost-related news, Michelle Rodriguez got pulled over and charged with a DUI, which gets her license revoked. So did the actress that plays Libby. They were not in the same car. What are these people doing in Hawaii? Having wild keggers all the time? Oh, and people are affectionately referring to the Ana Lucia character as "AnaL". Cute huh. I don't know if this is a term of endearment or a jab at her terribly surly acting skills. Oh well. If you missed any of the first episodes like myself, it's a good time to get caught up. ABC will most likely be replaying these in order since we have to wait til mid-January for new episodes.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Ultimate Vacation Spot
Looks like an European probe (not sure if it was a Dutch probe, but if it was, it might have ended up in the ass end of this moon) just broke through the atmosphere of one of Saturn's moons, Titan. It seems that this little place has an interesting weather pattern. I think it's going to be come a vacation hotspot in the near future, provided we get that whole space travel thing down. I'll let the article do the talking from now on. "It's a very strange fantasy world made of ice, with things like gasoline and tar that make up the rivers and the lake beds," said scientist Jonathan Lunine of the University of Arizona, when asked how he would explain the finding to a child.Hmm . . . kinda like my bathroom at home. Moving on
"If you try to walk around on it, your feet might get stuck in some places, you'd slide down into methane rivers in other places, and you'd better watch out for the ammonia volcanoes," he said. "And absolutely bring a big heavy coat, because it's really cold — and bring a tank of oxygen because there's no oxygen to breathe, but don't light a match."
."It's a world, an atmosphere, a surface that is very dynamic, and perhaps as it seems there is volcanic activity, the interior of Titan is also no doubt very dynamic," said Jean-Pierre Lebreton, Huygens mission scientist.Dynamic huh. Sounds like fun. But get this . . .
"Maybe in 4 billion years' time, at the end of the sun's life, maybe Titan will be the new Earth," he said.Holy crap, in 4 billion years, we're all going to have to move to Titan. Better start packing now.
Dead Man's Chest Trailer
Usually, a dead man's chest doesn't excite me much, but this ain't no ordinary dead man's chest. This has the Pirates of the Carribean name attached to it, so I put aside any necrophiliac tendencies and get all giddy about it. Yahoo movies has the first official release of the trailer . . . and they even offer it in Quicktime. The option for the shitty version on Windows Media Player is available as well . . . if you're a caveman and still use that format. If that's the case, then I wish an errant dinosaur snatches you up and makes you its dinner.
But enough about my qualms with WMV. I'm sure you want to see the actual trailer. Click here. It looks like a fun movie . . . despite the Johnny Depp prescense. It does feature Keira Knightley in corsets which accentuates her tiny live woman chest assets. So that's a positive. Check it out.
But enough about my qualms with WMV. I'm sure you want to see the actual trailer. Click here. It looks like a fun movie . . . despite the Johnny Depp prescense. It does feature Keira Knightley in corsets which accentuates her tiny live woman chest assets. So that's a positive. Check it out.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Her New Weight Loss Regimen
Oprah Winfrey . . . Meth addict. That would be so sweet. It would finally slim her down to the size she's always wanted to be and she would have an excuse as to why she's so friggin insane. Oh well, one who abhors her could only dream this billboard slip up would come true. *sigh*
War At Home Advertising Campaign
I guess that War at Home television show must be hard up for viewers, because either this is a pretty great marketing stunt . . . or the girl that plays the teenaged daughter just does not know how to dress herself. And I know, right around know your asking yourself "What the fuck is the War At Home??" It's that waste of time between the Simpsons and Family Guy on Fox. I know, I do my taxes too during that despicable half hour of televised non-entertainment. And even though the daughter is cute and all and she is stupid enough to show off her nipple to the entire internet community . . . it doesn't make me want to watch the show. I guess she's just not Paris Hilton material. By that, I don't mean she's as pretty as her, because Paris Hilton is not good looking at all . . . what I mean by Paris Hilton material is that this girl is not enough of a slut to shock a nation into stupor and watch whatever she's on. If the War at Home wants more ratings, then they need to leak out a video of this girl (what's her name by the way?? LOL) banging 3 dudes in an alley while a hobo with pompoms does a cheer in the background. Then I'll watch the show . . . religiously. And seriously . . . what's this girl's name?? See . . . she's not slutty enough for people to know her name. How sad.
Kate Moss Muff Slip
Right around now Kate Moss is hoping for someone else to expose themselves accidentaly so that the focus can be taken off her hairy muff. Looks like the paparazzi strike again and they caught her during some photo shoot rearranging her dress and showing off a 70's bush to the world. I think it's even hairier than Ciera's bush that we saw a couple of months ago when her pants split. Not as penis-y (allegedly) though, but still hairy. This single mom just can't catch a break I tells you. First the pictures of her snorting coke off of a CD case, then the video of her dancing around topless like a chicken with it's head cut off and now this. She might as well start doing some lines to dull the humiliation. I know some people out there will find this to be sexy somehow. I don't. Zombies don't really do it for me. It's the way the scream out "BRAINS!" while you're getting it on with them. And it's not sexy when they try to take a piece of your scalp off to reach the gooey greatness that is brain matter. Sorry, not my thing. But for all the zombie lovers out there, this must be a little slice of heaven for you. George A. Romero must have a woody when he looks at this picture.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
DVD Tome "H & I"
I know it's been a while since I made an entry in the DVD tome. What can I say, with the holidays and the being out of town and the loss of interest on my part . . . it's kind of hard to continue. But, I made a commitment to finish this up, and I'm going to do it. So, for the one or two people that were looking forward to the continuation of this feature, get your vaseline and bounty ready. For everyone else, just come back later.
H
Hannibal - I remember watching this originally in a movie theater. I liked it then, and I really liked the parenting skills of a certain couple that brought what looked like to be a 2 year old to the theater with them. Right on retards. I wonder what was next on their agenda. Tape open her eyes and make her watch Faces of Death over and over again a la Clockwork Orange? The movie itself is not as good as Silence of the Lambs, but it's enjoyable. Anthony Hopkins really does a great Hannibal Lecter. It's pretty much his character by now. Nice little bit of trivia . . .he was not the first actor to play Hannibal. Extra credit points for the person who can tell us who that actor was in the comments section.
Heavenly Creatures - I like Peter Jackson's work. The upcoming King Kong has me all hyped up about going to the movies again. It looks awesome. So I recommend people catch up on his earlier work. Specially this tale of two teenage girls and their wild imagination and intense friendship that leads to murder. It's got Kate Winslet when she was 17 . . . before she packed on the Titanic pounds. This movie is what got PJ noticed in Hollywood so that he could move on to make more commercial work like The Frighteners. Check it out.
Hellsing (Vol 1-2) - This vampire genre anime is ok. Not fantastic like the previews made it out to be. It's a pretty standard story of hot anime girl who finds herself in weird situation and has to learn how to deal while keeping her ginormous breasts bouncy. It just so happens that the girl gets turned into a vampire . . . and the twist . . . she's part of a vampire hunting organization. I didn't continue buying because I got bored.
High Tension Unrated - This French slasher flick is fantastic. Even the twist at the end that most people find to be too jolting did not faze me. I loved this movie. It's pretty harsh and gory, and makes you flinch. It also makes me want to go out and buy a chainsaw, but that's a different story.
Hollow Man - It was bound to happen. A Kevin Bacon movie was bound to show up in my list somewhere, and here it is. Hollow Man was the shit back in the day. The whole invisible man effects were cool. It even sparked an Invisible Man tv show on SciFi that I watched almost religiously. But, in the end, this movie is just plain ol' cheesy. It's not terrible, but it ain't no Tremors.
Hookers in a Haunted House - This movie made The Sal call me half way through him watching it and prompted him to ask me "What the fuck is wrong with you man?" This movie is that fucked up. And not fucked up good . . . fucked up as in "why was this ever made?". I like these kinds of movies though, and paying 6 bucks for it at Best Buy might sound like a high price for this DVD-shaped turd of a movie, but it's fun. This movie tries to be funny. It tries to break that fourth wall and wink at the audience, but it all feels retarded. Even the villian Bagjob looks like there was zero effort put into his character. He wears a paper bag on his head. That's his evil disguise! I love this movie. Go buy it.
Hulk - I fucked up when I went to Target to get this movie and purchased the fullscreen version. I hate modified to fit your screen movies. Give me my widescreen! But, I wasn't about to go buy another one. You see . . . the Hulk is a good movie, just not the great movie everyone was expecting after X-Men & Spider-Man were released. Maybe choosing Ang Lee was a bad choice for an action movie. He does great character work in this though. The actors are well coached . . . and Jennifer Connely looks angelic (drools), but it just lacks the action that people were looking for when they went to see this in the theaters. This is why it kinda tanked at the box office.
I
Incredible Adventures of Wallace & Gromit, The - I love me some Wallace & Gromit. It's claymation heaven, and in this you get the first three animated shorts Aardman animation created that led to this summer's W&G big screen movie. You can see a clear progression on the quality of the claymation as well, which is really cool. Everything gets better from the first one where they go to the moon to get some cheese to the last one where they have a penguin tenant who is not what it seems. Fantastic work here. I love it.
Incredibles, The - I predict this to be the last great Disney/Pixar collaboration. Yeah, I know that Pixar has one more movie in the works coming out next year that is still associated with the Evil Empire, but it just looks like they're going through the motions. Cars will not be as good as The Incredibles. Watching this movie in a packed theater was a great experience as kids were just saying "wow" & "whoa" throughout the whole thing while the adults got the jokes meant for them. Gorgeous animation too. Great story. I'm excited to see what Pixar will be tackling now that they're not dragging the Disney ball & chain around.
Insomnia - Robin Williams as a bad guy. Hmm . . . I don't know. And Al Pacino as a guy that can't get any sleep? That I can get, since he's old and tired anyway. I guess having Mork kill you is kind of creepy. I don't think I enjoyed this movie as much as I enjoyed Memento, the director's previous work, but it did lead him to making that pretty cool Batman Begins movie, so I'll forgive the slight lack of quality in it.
There you go, two for the price of one.
H
Hannibal - I remember watching this originally in a movie theater. I liked it then, and I really liked the parenting skills of a certain couple that brought what looked like to be a 2 year old to the theater with them. Right on retards. I wonder what was next on their agenda. Tape open her eyes and make her watch Faces of Death over and over again a la Clockwork Orange? The movie itself is not as good as Silence of the Lambs, but it's enjoyable. Anthony Hopkins really does a great Hannibal Lecter. It's pretty much his character by now. Nice little bit of trivia . . .he was not the first actor to play Hannibal. Extra credit points for the person who can tell us who that actor was in the comments section.
Heavenly Creatures - I like Peter Jackson's work. The upcoming King Kong has me all hyped up about going to the movies again. It looks awesome. So I recommend people catch up on his earlier work. Specially this tale of two teenage girls and their wild imagination and intense friendship that leads to murder. It's got Kate Winslet when she was 17 . . . before she packed on the Titanic pounds. This movie is what got PJ noticed in Hollywood so that he could move on to make more commercial work like The Frighteners. Check it out.
Hellsing (Vol 1-2) - This vampire genre anime is ok. Not fantastic like the previews made it out to be. It's a pretty standard story of hot anime girl who finds herself in weird situation and has to learn how to deal while keeping her ginormous breasts bouncy. It just so happens that the girl gets turned into a vampire . . . and the twist . . . she's part of a vampire hunting organization. I didn't continue buying because I got bored.
High Tension Unrated - This French slasher flick is fantastic. Even the twist at the end that most people find to be too jolting did not faze me. I loved this movie. It's pretty harsh and gory, and makes you flinch. It also makes me want to go out and buy a chainsaw, but that's a different story.
Hollow Man - It was bound to happen. A Kevin Bacon movie was bound to show up in my list somewhere, and here it is. Hollow Man was the shit back in the day. The whole invisible man effects were cool. It even sparked an Invisible Man tv show on SciFi that I watched almost religiously. But, in the end, this movie is just plain ol' cheesy. It's not terrible, but it ain't no Tremors.
Hookers in a Haunted House - This movie made The Sal call me half way through him watching it and prompted him to ask me "What the fuck is wrong with you man?" This movie is that fucked up. And not fucked up good . . . fucked up as in "why was this ever made?". I like these kinds of movies though, and paying 6 bucks for it at Best Buy might sound like a high price for this DVD-shaped turd of a movie, but it's fun. This movie tries to be funny. It tries to break that fourth wall and wink at the audience, but it all feels retarded. Even the villian Bagjob looks like there was zero effort put into his character. He wears a paper bag on his head. That's his evil disguise! I love this movie. Go buy it.
Hulk - I fucked up when I went to Target to get this movie and purchased the fullscreen version. I hate modified to fit your screen movies. Give me my widescreen! But, I wasn't about to go buy another one. You see . . . the Hulk is a good movie, just not the great movie everyone was expecting after X-Men & Spider-Man were released. Maybe choosing Ang Lee was a bad choice for an action movie. He does great character work in this though. The actors are well coached . . . and Jennifer Connely looks angelic (drools), but it just lacks the action that people were looking for when they went to see this in the theaters. This is why it kinda tanked at the box office.
I
Incredible Adventures of Wallace & Gromit, The - I love me some Wallace & Gromit. It's claymation heaven, and in this you get the first three animated shorts Aardman animation created that led to this summer's W&G big screen movie. You can see a clear progression on the quality of the claymation as well, which is really cool. Everything gets better from the first one where they go to the moon to get some cheese to the last one where they have a penguin tenant who is not what it seems. Fantastic work here. I love it.
Incredibles, The - I predict this to be the last great Disney/Pixar collaboration. Yeah, I know that Pixar has one more movie in the works coming out next year that is still associated with the Evil Empire, but it just looks like they're going through the motions. Cars will not be as good as The Incredibles. Watching this movie in a packed theater was a great experience as kids were just saying "wow" & "whoa" throughout the whole thing while the adults got the jokes meant for them. Gorgeous animation too. Great story. I'm excited to see what Pixar will be tackling now that they're not dragging the Disney ball & chain around.
Insomnia - Robin Williams as a bad guy. Hmm . . . I don't know. And Al Pacino as a guy that can't get any sleep? That I can get, since he's old and tired anyway. I guess having Mork kill you is kind of creepy. I don't think I enjoyed this movie as much as I enjoyed Memento, the director's previous work, but it did lead him to making that pretty cool Batman Begins movie, so I'll forgive the slight lack of quality in it.
There you go, two for the price of one.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Box Office Tally
Am I experiencing deja vu? And not the good kind with the strippers and the lap dances. The other kind where you see something again. Looks like everyone wants to see either a bunch of pubescent magic users or post-pubescent drug abusers. The new movies that hit the theaters in time to lull you to sleep after your Thanksgiving dinner barely made a dent on the totals. I'm surprised that "In the Mix" even made the top ten since it was not shown to critics. No negative press must be good press. The Potter franchise adds another 50 million or so taking it up to 200 million for 2 weeks. Walk The Line did ok as well bringing it's total past the 50 million mark and Disney's Pixar-free endevour into CG animation is closing in on 120 million. Which is discouraging, because this means that they'll keep pumping out this kind of crap for a while.
Rent finally finds it's way into wide release. Women will be dragging their boyfriends/husbands to this in the coming weeks. It looks like not enough women were able to tear their men away from football enough to take them to watch this musical . . but I'm sure it will do decent at the box office. Ryan Reynolds still can't catch a break as his "guy in a fat suit who is no longer fat and tries to get the girl" movie opens up to a disappointing take. Oh well.
1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
2. Walk the Line
3. Yours, Mine and Ours
4. Chicken Little
5. Rent
6. Just Friends
7. Pride and Prejudice
8. Derailed
9. In the Mix
10. The Ice Harvest
Rent finally finds it's way into wide release. Women will be dragging their boyfriends/husbands to this in the coming weeks. It looks like not enough women were able to tear their men away from football enough to take them to watch this musical . . but I'm sure it will do decent at the box office. Ryan Reynolds still can't catch a break as his "guy in a fat suit who is no longer fat and tries to get the girl" movie opens up to a disappointing take. Oh well.
1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
2. Walk the Line
3. Yours, Mine and Ours
4. Chicken Little
5. Rent
6. Just Friends
7. Pride and Prejudice
8. Derailed
9. In the Mix
10. The Ice Harvest
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Resident Sticking it to West Hollywood
I could not think of a more appropiate heading for this story I found on Yahoo News. It seems there's a disgruntled resident of the city of West Hollywood in Los Angeles that is fighting the city council to change the name of his street. The street in question is "Dicks Street" . . . and if you've ever visited WeHo (as the more flamboyant residents call it) you couldn't find a more appropiately named street. That place is crawling with gays. Not that that's a bad thing. It's a really nice and affluent area that's got a great night scene . . . so long as you stick to Sunset Blvd. If you're on Santa Monica Blvd, then the hookers knocking on your passanger side window will most likely have penises.
But, why is this guy fighting to change the name. He knows where he lives. What else could he expect. Well, here's an excerpt from the article. Read up.
But, why is this guy fighting to change the name. He knows where he lives. What else could he expect. Well, here's an excerpt from the article. Read up.
"Since we moved in four years ago its just become such a hassle," Fisk said. "It's embarrassing. Something definitely needs to be changed. I realize that it's a man's name, but words change meaning, and this one has."If I were a city official in WeHo, I'd probably be too busy stocking up on anal lube to care much about some residents of Dicks Street that are upset about the name of their street. Good luck with that change, you're going to need it.
Dicks Street is in a neighborhood that fancies first names for its roads, with Keith and Norma among the choices.
Fisk, who collected signatures on a petition from more than half of the residents on Dicks Street, has so far been met with a lack of interest from city officials, who say that changing a street name is too much work.
Tom Cruise: Crazy or Considerate?
I don't know how to catalogue this. Tom Cruise just purchased a sonogram for Katie Holmes. As a gift. How do you wrap that up anyway. Can't you tell that it's a sonogram-shaped gift. It'd be like getting an unusually shaped Christmas present that you instantly know what it is. "Oh, thanks for the oversized Ben Wa Balls, thanks for not putting them in a box". So it's a little insane that he'd give her that. But, I guess, since they are having a baby that may or may not be the reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard, it should come in handy. I'll let the article on the crazy/considerate guy do the talking:
The 43-year-old actor said the couple will do their own sonograms, which show fetus development with ultrasound waves. Cruise said he will donate the machine to a hospital after the baby is born. Sonogram machines range in cost from $25,000 to $200,000.
Dick Gets X'ed
The above is not a doctored image. This actually aired for 1/7 of a second on CNN as they were covering a live speech. It's being reported as a computer bug, but I think it's the work of a rabid liberal. Not that I'm against the X in any way, shape, or form. I think it's hilarious. But, if someone ever has the chance to get a "computer bug" to cause some sort of mischief during a vice-presidential speech, they should try to get some devil horns or a handlebar moustache and some knocked out teeth. Yeah, and maybe a cool scar on his cheek. Oh wait, I'm just describing what I do to pictures on Cosmo.
Love.Angel.Music.Baby.Nipple?
I love the nipple slip. Not Gwen's specifically, just in general. It just goes to show that they can't dress themselves properly, and these wardrobe malfunctions happen all the time. It proves my theory that stars just kind of lie down and have people dress them. People with no clear fashion sense who think that throwing on a leopard print dress on a chick is going to be "hot". If you remember correctly (and you better . . . or else) I had posted a comparison picture many moons ago showing similar print dresses that Stefani and Lohan were wearing to the same event. Lohan was at least safe from the nipple slip since her tatas were extremely deflated due to her alleged cocaine addiction . . . err . . I mean stress from having a crazy father. Yeah, that'll do it. *rolls eyes*But anyway, lots of people find Gwen to be attractive. So, this is for you. I hope you enjoy it. Now, hows'about clicking on some of those ads on the side so I can finally get paid around here. Seriously, Christmas is coming . . . and at this rate, I'm going to end up giving away cans of cranberry sauce to people. Hmm . . . I guess that can't be that bad right? Everyone loves cranberry sauce.
Cocaine's a Hell of a Drug
Immortal words quoted by Rick James, Kate Moss knows all about this. A short video clip recently surfaced of her flopping around like a topless fish during some modeling shoot. I guess, when you have enough cocaine in you to powder a whole day's worth of yummy cocaine-flavored donuts, things like this are bound to happen. I could go on and on making fun of Kate Moss, but seriously, the video does it for me. So, click here and check out what a pre-exorcism . . err . . . I mean rehab Moss was up to.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Magical Box Office Kaching
1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - This had a 100+ million dollar opening, which is the best for the franchise so far along with setting some sort of record for November. I tell you, these books have made people really really rich thanks to not only sales of the paper version but ticket revenue from the film versions. I just hope people don't start to worship JK Rowling like L Ron Hubbard . . . but then again . . . she didn't write Battlefield Earth . . . so how bad could that religion be really?
2. Walk the Line - I did not know that Joaquin Pa-hoe-nix could sing . . . maybe it's that frog in gnawing its way through his brain. It could be that a byproduct of this happening is him developing a Johnny Cash-esque singing voice. He does pretty well in this . . . and I did not mind getting dragged to this movie by my wife. Sure, Reese Whitherspoon's chin scares me, but it doesn't get in the way of the acting.
3. Chicken Little - I like Zach Braff. I watch his Scrubs show, I dig his Garden State movie . . . I hate that he sold out to Disney. Oh well, a man has to fund his developing hooker habit right. Allegedly of course. And let me rephrase . . . I didn't mean hookers. I mean underage catholic schoolgirls. How silly of me.
4. Derailed - I don't know what's harder to believe, the plot of this psychological thriller or the fact that Clive Owen agreed to roll around in the sack with man-faced Jennifer Aniston and have Xhibit punk him around. Sure, Aniston has a body that most women would kill for . . . but that face. Even GQ recognizes this and named her "Man of the Year".
5. Zathura - Looks like the Jumanji sequel is going pretty much unwatched. It's a shame because I hear it's really good. Even though it has that guy from the first season of Punk'd on it. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'll catch this on DVD. The wife doesn't want to go see this because it's a kid's movie . . . but I didn't see her have any problems with dragging me to the Spongebob Squarepants movie.
6. Jarhead - This was a good movie about nothing. I guess you could call it the Seinfeld of war movies. It's pretty fucking funny too, if you don't mind male nudity. Thankfully, the audience I watched it with didn't get all "Ewww" when things like male ass were on the screen. I hate it when that happens. Like they haven't seen their own ass before. Grow up people.
7. Get Rich or Die Tryin' - I really wish that Half'a'dolla would have died trying to get rich. Then, this would be much more interesting. All the good gangster movies end that way. There are no happy endings in gangster movies. Otherwise, it's a joke . . . much like 50 Cent's career.
8. Saw 2 - I have not seen it, so I can't tell you if I saw Saw . . haha, get it. Saw. That's what the French call a "double entendre", and although it sounds kinda like something you would find in a porno movie, it's perfectly safe to use this term around your parents. Specially if your parents are into porn. Then they'll go off to their room and try to do a double entendre. Just make sure you have extra hips lying around for an impending replacement surgery.
9. The Legend of Zorro - The legend should be how it got made in the first place. I would understand if this was made a couple of years after the original, when we were all on a Zorro high. But this movie just looks like it's treading old water. Same with Zeta Jones, who just needs to stick to T-Mobile ads and letting old guys pork her.
10. Pride and Prejudice - This seems to be a sci-fi adaptation of the Jane Austen book . . . because it casts Keira Knightly as the frumpy unkempt sister who nobody wants to marry? Sure, her rack needs a little work (as evidenced by her nude scenes in The Jacket) but she's not ugly. She can't act very well, but that's a different story. Other than that, I have no interest in this movie unless there is hardcore sex in it. Yeah, I didn't think there was either. Pass!
2. Walk the Line - I did not know that Joaquin Pa-hoe-nix could sing . . . maybe it's that frog in gnawing its way through his brain. It could be that a byproduct of this happening is him developing a Johnny Cash-esque singing voice. He does pretty well in this . . . and I did not mind getting dragged to this movie by my wife. Sure, Reese Whitherspoon's chin scares me, but it doesn't get in the way of the acting.
3. Chicken Little - I like Zach Braff. I watch his Scrubs show, I dig his Garden State movie . . . I hate that he sold out to Disney. Oh well, a man has to fund his developing hooker habit right. Allegedly of course. And let me rephrase . . . I didn't mean hookers. I mean underage catholic schoolgirls. How silly of me.
4. Derailed - I don't know what's harder to believe, the plot of this psychological thriller or the fact that Clive Owen agreed to roll around in the sack with man-faced Jennifer Aniston and have Xhibit punk him around. Sure, Aniston has a body that most women would kill for . . . but that face. Even GQ recognizes this and named her "Man of the Year".
5. Zathura - Looks like the Jumanji sequel is going pretty much unwatched. It's a shame because I hear it's really good. Even though it has that guy from the first season of Punk'd on it. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'll catch this on DVD. The wife doesn't want to go see this because it's a kid's movie . . . but I didn't see her have any problems with dragging me to the Spongebob Squarepants movie.
6. Jarhead - This was a good movie about nothing. I guess you could call it the Seinfeld of war movies. It's pretty fucking funny too, if you don't mind male nudity. Thankfully, the audience I watched it with didn't get all "Ewww" when things like male ass were on the screen. I hate it when that happens. Like they haven't seen their own ass before. Grow up people.
7. Get Rich or Die Tryin' - I really wish that Half'a'dolla would have died trying to get rich. Then, this would be much more interesting. All the good gangster movies end that way. There are no happy endings in gangster movies. Otherwise, it's a joke . . . much like 50 Cent's career.
8. Saw 2 - I have not seen it, so I can't tell you if I saw Saw . . haha, get it. Saw. That's what the French call a "double entendre", and although it sounds kinda like something you would find in a porno movie, it's perfectly safe to use this term around your parents. Specially if your parents are into porn. Then they'll go off to their room and try to do a double entendre. Just make sure you have extra hips lying around for an impending replacement surgery.
9. The Legend of Zorro - The legend should be how it got made in the first place. I would understand if this was made a couple of years after the original, when we were all on a Zorro high. But this movie just looks like it's treading old water. Same with Zeta Jones, who just needs to stick to T-Mobile ads and letting old guys pork her.
10. Pride and Prejudice - This seems to be a sci-fi adaptation of the Jane Austen book . . . because it casts Keira Knightly as the frumpy unkempt sister who nobody wants to marry? Sure, her rack needs a little work (as evidenced by her nude scenes in The Jacket) but she's not ugly. She can't act very well, but that's a different story. Other than that, I have no interest in this movie unless there is hardcore sex in it. Yeah, I didn't think there was either. Pass!
Impending Plastic Doom
You work hard, put in extra hours, horde all your money to try to pay off the stupid purchases of your credit card past. That's pretty much what I do. Try to put out a credit forest fire with a spoonful of water at a time. It's nearly impossible. Specially when Bill Gates decides it's time for your gaming console to become obsolete and we all need to go out and buy a new one. Sure, the X Box has been around for a while. So, every so often new consoles come out. It's just the evolution of the videogame industry.
The problem is, I'm going to have to dip into the credit cards to afford this purchase. Sure, I could not pay rent for a month and then buy it no problem . . . but I'm sure my landlord would not like that all that much. And to the crazy people out there who are even thinking "Why do you need to buy it anyway? Why not just wait 'til you have the cash?" Are you kidding me? Wait? And be the only punk on the block without an X Box 360?? No friggin way. There are advantages to getting this at launch time too.
The accessories that come bundled with the 400 dollar package total out to 225 bucks of extra stuff. The 300 buck version pretty much comes stripped of these add ons, and it comes with a wired controller? What is this . . . 1985? The expensive bundle comes with a wireless controller, the essential 20 gig hard drive, all sorts of cables and a universal remote control which is only available for a short time. So it's key that I get this tomorrow . . . and then take the hit to the credit card.
Sure, I won't be opening the box until Christmas. I know, how gay. My wife just wants me to have something cool to open that day, and since she's paying for a fraction of it, I guess she has some say as to when I can finally get my mitts on this gaming dream of a console. Which means that for a month and change, I will be staring at the closet or storage area housing the X Box 360 box intently. I hope this doesn't bother the wife. So, if you're in Los Angeles . . . I suggest you wait til Wednesday to go get your 360. That'll give me enough time to go to the store and get the one I want undisrupted.
The problem is, I'm going to have to dip into the credit cards to afford this purchase. Sure, I could not pay rent for a month and then buy it no problem . . . but I'm sure my landlord would not like that all that much. And to the crazy people out there who are even thinking "Why do you need to buy it anyway? Why not just wait 'til you have the cash?" Are you kidding me? Wait? And be the only punk on the block without an X Box 360?? No friggin way. There are advantages to getting this at launch time too.
The accessories that come bundled with the 400 dollar package total out to 225 bucks of extra stuff. The 300 buck version pretty much comes stripped of these add ons, and it comes with a wired controller? What is this . . . 1985? The expensive bundle comes with a wireless controller, the essential 20 gig hard drive, all sorts of cables and a universal remote control which is only available for a short time. So it's key that I get this tomorrow . . . and then take the hit to the credit card.
Sure, I won't be opening the box until Christmas. I know, how gay. My wife just wants me to have something cool to open that day, and since she's paying for a fraction of it, I guess she has some say as to when I can finally get my mitts on this gaming dream of a console. Which means that for a month and change, I will be staring at the closet or storage area housing the X Box 360 box intently. I hope this doesn't bother the wife. So, if you're in Los Angeles . . . I suggest you wait til Wednesday to go get your 360. That'll give me enough time to go to the store and get the one I want undisrupted.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Wastes of Space to Wed
As I was browsing through the yahoo news page, I found this completely irrelevant story, much like the subjects it's covering, about the recent engagement of Kimberly Stewart to Talan Torriero. You may know Kimberly from being the waste of space daughter of Rod Stewart . . . or as the girl that fell of the motorcycle accompanying Paris Hilton on the red carpet. Yeah, she's one of these rich socialite heiresses that if not for her parent's success . . . she would end up on the street charging 5 bucks a pop in her mouth.
Talan, you might know if you're a girl and you watch Laguna Beach religiously. The article called him one of the "stars" of that show. I didn't know reality television crap could have stars. Anyway, expect their impending wedded union to creaty some sort of blackhole that will suck everything into it. I don't see anything else happening other than that.These two were last seen in the backseat of Paris Hilton's Greek Shipping Heir's Bently as he rear-ended a delivery truck while attempting to run down some paparazzi. In that video, later on, the car was pulled over by the cops, and it shows him clearly saying "I'm the only one sober here, let's get out of here" and promptly gets in the backseat. If this is how he acts sober, I wonder what mental state he was in when he proposed to Stewart. I'm pretty sure that whatever state that was, he kept hearing "Kaching!" in the background over and over again.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Search Terms A Plenty
Back to our weekly feature of search terms that got people to my blog. It's sad really, since these people were obviously looking for some information on the web and they landed here instead. Haha! Suckers. Learned you a lesson . . . and hopefully gained a reader.
kroq song birchum sandman - from Google, seems like someone in Los Angeles is looking for old Adam Carolla MP3's. Good luck buddy. Those things are golden. Specially his Birchum bits.
RE CAP OF LOST - from MSN, seems that people who missed last night's episode were looking for info on it, and found last week's recap. Sorry, teehee. If you want to know what happened, pretty much the first 48 days of the tail section of flight 815. Their run-ins with the Others and their own Ethan Rom-esque mole. It was good, but my wife hates Michelle Rodriguez and her ugly cry face. So she was mocking her throughtout the whole thing.
Jimmy Kimmel and black women - from Google, which yields some interesting search results. Don't know what they were looking for but they most likely found my gripe with black people and their self-entitlement to cut in line whenever they want. I know that's probably not what they were looking for . . . but oh well.
anne hathaway havoc quicktime - from Google and other search engines. Many permutations of this search query have been coming in. Perverts I tell you. How dare you try to check out the rack of the Princess with the Mammaries . . err . . . I mean diaries.
"evangeline lilly" pushups - from Google, I actually would be interested in more information about this as well. Someone, please hook it up . . . for the wife. Yeah, that's right . . the wife. *wink*
damon lindeloff numbers - from French Google . . . freakin frogs always looking for info on my blog. I tell you, I feel like Joaquin Phoenix . . . is there a frenchman crawling out of my head? I think he mistook my gray matter for some tasty escargot.
paparazzi dominic evangeline - from AOL, the person must have been looking of pictures of Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan smooching it up on the beaches of Hawaii. I've seen them, they're not all that . . . but it does make her look incredibly good looking because she's macking with a Hobbit with the face of a catcher's mitt.
joaquin phoenix crazy brain quote - from Google, this quote is hilarious. I'm not going to tell you what it is, because you can find it in another post on this blog. But trust me, look for it. Great stuff.
And, that's it for this week.
kroq song birchum sandman - from Google, seems like someone in Los Angeles is looking for old Adam Carolla MP3's. Good luck buddy. Those things are golden. Specially his Birchum bits.
RE CAP OF LOST - from MSN, seems that people who missed last night's episode were looking for info on it, and found last week's recap. Sorry, teehee. If you want to know what happened, pretty much the first 48 days of the tail section of flight 815. Their run-ins with the Others and their own Ethan Rom-esque mole. It was good, but my wife hates Michelle Rodriguez and her ugly cry face. So she was mocking her throughtout the whole thing.
Jimmy Kimmel and black women - from Google, which yields some interesting search results. Don't know what they were looking for but they most likely found my gripe with black people and their self-entitlement to cut in line whenever they want. I know that's probably not what they were looking for . . . but oh well.
anne hathaway havoc quicktime - from Google and other search engines. Many permutations of this search query have been coming in. Perverts I tell you. How dare you try to check out the rack of the Princess with the Mammaries . . err . . . I mean diaries.
"evangeline lilly" pushups - from Google, I actually would be interested in more information about this as well. Someone, please hook it up . . . for the wife. Yeah, that's right . . the wife. *wink*
damon lindeloff numbers - from French Google . . . freakin frogs always looking for info on my blog. I tell you, I feel like Joaquin Phoenix . . . is there a frenchman crawling out of my head? I think he mistook my gray matter for some tasty escargot.
paparazzi dominic evangeline - from AOL, the person must have been looking of pictures of Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan smooching it up on the beaches of Hawaii. I've seen them, they're not all that . . . but it does make her look incredibly good looking because she's macking with a Hobbit with the face of a catcher's mitt.
joaquin phoenix crazy brain quote - from Google, this quote is hilarious. I'm not going to tell you what it is, because you can find it in another post on this blog. But trust me, look for it. Great stuff.
And, that's it for this week.
Bin Laden's Niece
I had no idea that Osama Bin Laden had a niece. And a niece that's all into looking like an Afghan Angelina Jolie. Sure, she's not as hot as Jolie is, but the sheer size of those lips closely approximate the size of canoes, so she's almost there. I wonder if this chaps the ass of Osama. Seeing one of his nieces gallavanting around like a western whore. No wonder he wants to topple skyscrapers full of people in them. I think we should all, collectively as a nation, start masturbating to pictures of his niece. That way, the terrorists don't win. I won't partake in the group masturbation because she's not that appealing to me, but I think it's your patriotic duty to do this for your country. If you need to, paint a little paper bag over her face on the jpeg.
Sexiest Man Alive?
Mathew friggin McConaughey was just named by People magazine the sexiest man alive? What the hell? Last I checked Hans Moleman from the Simpsons and myself were in a dead heat for first place in this contest of beautiful men. That bastard McConaughey must have paid off some of the judges or performed lewd sexual favors to inch ahead . . . get it . . . head. Yes, McConaughey blew the judges in order to win. His name has "ghey" in it, which is l33t for "gay".
So, I guess I'll have to wait 'til next year to claim my glorious crown. Maybe some of you slackers could send in some write-in votes and sway the judges for me. Come on, I can be like that 18 year old kid who won the mayoral race in that hillbilly town in Illinois last week . . . but sexier.
So, I guess I'll have to wait 'til next year to claim my glorious crown. Maybe some of you slackers could send in some write-in votes and sway the judges for me. Come on, I can be like that 18 year old kid who won the mayoral race in that hillbilly town in Illinois last week . . . but sexier.
Oscillating Fan Mail
I get mountains and mountains (if you were microscopic and made up of electrons) of fan e-mail here at the BAFW HQ, and here's a sample of the range that they usually fit in.
And in case you're wondering why i put in "oscillating" in the title. Well, it's clever, and also one of it's definitions is: "Physics. To vary between alternate extremes, usually within a definable period of time". You see, the e-mail with the happy faces is clearly loving my blog. The one from the alleged monkey in my head, not so much. I do love reading all of your e-mails pertaining to the subjects I write about, so waste some time on that. Send me some more hate/love.
Jaime,This came from someone with an optonline e-mail inbox. Here at work, we deal with a lot of optonline users, and it's refreshing to see one of the non-retarded ones sending me a message.
My co-workers brought up that rumor about Jaime Lee Curtis being a tranny. When I plugged it in a search, I saw your site. I started to read your comments. I have to tell you I read about 10 of them aloud. You are absolutely hysterical! I was like I have to hang out w/ this guy. Too bad you are so far away...I would totally buy you shots all night and just listen to your rants!! My fave was about Nicole Ritchie looking like a corpse!! And it's funny..I just rented Shaun of the Dead...and seriously though the exact same crap to myself ;) With all my random thoughts, my friends are always telling me that I make them laugh but I'm going to hell. It's nice to see someone else's sick thoughts :) Tooo f'n funny!!! Keep it up!!! :)
-Donna :)
Hey Fuckwad,
You suck,
Love,
The Monkey living in your Head
And in case you're wondering why i put in "oscillating" in the title. Well, it's clever, and also one of it's definitions is: "Physics. To vary between alternate extremes, usually within a definable period of time". You see, the e-mail with the happy faces is clearly loving my blog. The one from the alleged monkey in my head, not so much. I do love reading all of your e-mails pertaining to the subjects I write about, so waste some time on that. Send me some more hate/love.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
DVD Tome "G"
G.
Garden State - Zach Braff's directorial debut, and what a smart guy he is to cast himself as the lead and have Natalie Portman as his leading lady. They get to smooch around, he has her running around in her bra and panties, she's all adorable all over the place. Not to mention that this movie is also well written and the actors are perfectly cast. This is the movie that Elizabethtown strived to be, but fell short because it chose a troll for a leading lady.
Gangs of New York - I don't watch many Leonardo DiCaprio movies. But this is a Martin Scorsese movie, so I trust the director to at least get a decent performance from his actors. And Leo's maturing a little, picking better roles, and not eating as many pies as he used to. I guess being married to Gisele Bundchen will do that. This movie's appropriately bloody and it's long too. 2 DVD's, but we kind of get robbed at the end. You'll see what I mean.
Gatekeepers (Vol 1-3) - Another one of those unfinished series's. Anime used to dominate my bank account back before I was married. This one has some pretty tight animation and a cool 60's vibe, but after I got hitched and the wife started frowning upoin these kinds of purchases . . . I just kind of let the interest in this fall by the wayside. I know, what a tragic tale.
Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex - Speaking of anime hating wives . . . she actually buckled down and bought me this for X-mas. I know, it's only the first one in a series of DVD's, but this might mean that she might pick up the 2nd one for me this X-mas, and I might finish the series in 2010. Who knows, a boy can wish right?
Ghost in the Shell: Innocence - Otherwise known as Ghost in the Shell 2, this follow-up to the first movie finds the focus shifted to Batou as he tries to solve a robotic sex-doll crime spree. Oh, and yes, this is anime as well, so now . . . that storyline doesn't seem all that far-fetched right. No penis tentacles or raping of schoolgirls in this one, but you do get a phyllosphically charged story and an anime basset hound.
Gladiator Eroticus - This is lesbian porn. Not great lesbian porn, but there's not a single schlong entering a vagina in this movie. Which is a shame. Not that I'm against lesbo porno action, it's just that it's not that good. It feels like it's played for laughs here, and either I'm not getting an inside joke, or these people have no sense of humor whatsoever. But, it ain't no Hookers in a Haunted House, so that's a relief.
Go - Doug Lyman's a good director. I really enjoyed Swingers, and Go is not as good, but just as enjoyable. The intertwining story-lines are fun, the actors ham it up a little, and Katie Holmes does not distract me too much. I do like the scene where Sarah Polley is selling those retard rave kids the aspirin and passing it off as ecstasy. Hilarious. "Do you feel it? Yeah, it's like a wave". Oh man.
Grudge, The - This is the American remake, strangely shot by the Japanese director of the Japanese original. Treading water maybe? Hmm . . . I think they mentioned that this was a follow-up to the first one, but from what I hear, it's pretty much a shot for shot remake. Oh well, it's creepy, and powder-white japanese boys running around in their underwear will forever creep me out. Specially when they make cat noises. Friggin cats. Hmph! The only thing I did not get is why Sarah Michelle Gellar didn't kick some ass in this. She's Buffy the Vampire Slayer right? She could have totally roundhouse kicked the ghost in the face and ended it's rampage. If I ran the movies, that would have been in there. I don't care if it wouldn't have worked. It would still be in there.
The G's are done, ya heard G-dawg.
Garden State - Zach Braff's directorial debut, and what a smart guy he is to cast himself as the lead and have Natalie Portman as his leading lady. They get to smooch around, he has her running around in her bra and panties, she's all adorable all over the place. Not to mention that this movie is also well written and the actors are perfectly cast. This is the movie that Elizabethtown strived to be, but fell short because it chose a troll for a leading lady.
Gangs of New York - I don't watch many Leonardo DiCaprio movies. But this is a Martin Scorsese movie, so I trust the director to at least get a decent performance from his actors. And Leo's maturing a little, picking better roles, and not eating as many pies as he used to. I guess being married to Gisele Bundchen will do that. This movie's appropriately bloody and it's long too. 2 DVD's, but we kind of get robbed at the end. You'll see what I mean.
Gatekeepers (Vol 1-3) - Another one of those unfinished series's. Anime used to dominate my bank account back before I was married. This one has some pretty tight animation and a cool 60's vibe, but after I got hitched and the wife started frowning upoin these kinds of purchases . . . I just kind of let the interest in this fall by the wayside. I know, what a tragic tale.
Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex - Speaking of anime hating wives . . . she actually buckled down and bought me this for X-mas. I know, it's only the first one in a series of DVD's, but this might mean that she might pick up the 2nd one for me this X-mas, and I might finish the series in 2010. Who knows, a boy can wish right?
Ghost in the Shell: Innocence - Otherwise known as Ghost in the Shell 2, this follow-up to the first movie finds the focus shifted to Batou as he tries to solve a robotic sex-doll crime spree. Oh, and yes, this is anime as well, so now . . . that storyline doesn't seem all that far-fetched right. No penis tentacles or raping of schoolgirls in this one, but you do get a phyllosphically charged story and an anime basset hound.
Gladiator Eroticus - This is lesbian porn. Not great lesbian porn, but there's not a single schlong entering a vagina in this movie. Which is a shame. Not that I'm against lesbo porno action, it's just that it's not that good. It feels like it's played for laughs here, and either I'm not getting an inside joke, or these people have no sense of humor whatsoever. But, it ain't no Hookers in a Haunted House, so that's a relief.
Go - Doug Lyman's a good director. I really enjoyed Swingers, and Go is not as good, but just as enjoyable. The intertwining story-lines are fun, the actors ham it up a little, and Katie Holmes does not distract me too much. I do like the scene where Sarah Polley is selling those retard rave kids the aspirin and passing it off as ecstasy. Hilarious. "Do you feel it? Yeah, it's like a wave". Oh man.
Grudge, The - This is the American remake, strangely shot by the Japanese director of the Japanese original. Treading water maybe? Hmm . . . I think they mentioned that this was a follow-up to the first one, but from what I hear, it's pretty much a shot for shot remake. Oh well, it's creepy, and powder-white japanese boys running around in their underwear will forever creep me out. Specially when they make cat noises. Friggin cats. Hmph! The only thing I did not get is why Sarah Michelle Gellar didn't kick some ass in this. She's Buffy the Vampire Slayer right? She could have totally roundhouse kicked the ghost in the face and ended it's rampage. If I ran the movies, that would have been in there. I don't care if it wouldn't have worked. It would still be in there.
The G's are done, ya heard G-dawg.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Friendly Fire Foul-Up
So, as I posted last week, my brother is back in the U.S. and he's safe in the Naval Hospital over at Camp Pendleton. His foot is healing fine, apart from the 50-cent coin-sized hole in his foot. The wound should heal up just fine without needing a skin graft, so that's good. And his shrapneled-up arm just needed stitches.
The thing is that he wasn't hit by the enemy. No, he was thrown 20-some feet by an explosion created by our guys. Friendly fire. Seems my brother and his squad mates were done clearing a house when their sargeant told him to get their packs. Now, what the sargeant didn't know is that the house next door was getting blown to shit in order to be stormed and cleared. So in they go looking for their packs, and boom! goes the house. Needless to say, being next door to an explosion can be a little jarring. This is a pretty standard procedure when clearing houses. The Marines would rather make a hole in a wall than go in through the front door which is much more prone to being booby-trapped. This practice is fine with me, but they should start having our guys next door to an explosion. Makes a little more sense, don't it?
But, at least he's fine. And he's out of the shit for at least 6-8 months. They expect him to get back as good as he was before the accident. I hope so. He's getting 30 days of leave before the 6-8 months re-hab so it's going to be great having him around. And I can beat up on him again now that he's all weak and shit. Until he gets back to Marine shape, where he'll begin to put me in headlocks again. Yay . . . argh!
The thing is that he wasn't hit by the enemy. No, he was thrown 20-some feet by an explosion created by our guys. Friendly fire. Seems my brother and his squad mates were done clearing a house when their sargeant told him to get their packs. Now, what the sargeant didn't know is that the house next door was getting blown to shit in order to be stormed and cleared. So in they go looking for their packs, and boom! goes the house. Needless to say, being next door to an explosion can be a little jarring. This is a pretty standard procedure when clearing houses. The Marines would rather make a hole in a wall than go in through the front door which is much more prone to being booby-trapped. This practice is fine with me, but they should start having our guys next door to an explosion. Makes a little more sense, don't it?
But, at least he's fine. And he's out of the shit for at least 6-8 months. They expect him to get back as good as he was before the accident. I hope so. He's getting 30 days of leave before the 6-8 months re-hab so it's going to be great having him around. And I can beat up on him again now that he's all weak and shit. Until he gets back to Marine shape, where he'll begin to put me in headlocks again. Yay . . . argh!
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