Me Vs Darwin Award Customer

Me: Thank you for calling Xxxxx Tech Support, can I have your client number please
Darwin Award Customer (Dac): I don't have one of those, I'm just a home user
Me: Everyone gets one of those after they register their accounts. You get that with your user name & password.
DAC: Well, let me tell you my problem and then we can go from there.
Me: Sorry sir, I need to see your account and then we can help you with your problem.
DAC: Can you find me with my name?
Me: Sure (Search for his name, he doesn't tell me that there is a middle initial and I find 6 other people with the same name, eventually, we find his account with his e-mail address).
DAC: My program is not updating. I'm getting a message telling me that it's out of date.
Me: Are you entering the right user name and password sir?
DAC: Yes, and I have it set to update automatically every day at 3.
Me: 3pm or 3am sir?
DAC: 3am.
Me: And your computer is on at that time?
DAC: No, I turn it off every night.
Me: If the computer is off when you set the program to update, it can't do that update at the time you specified sir.
DAC: Oh, it can't?
Me: No sir, what we need to do is e-mail you with instructions on how to reconfigure your updates to a time when your computer is on or whenever you log into the internet.
DAC: Well, can't you tell me now?
Me: Sir, your single license does not get you free phone support.
DAC: *sighs* I'll wait for the e-mail then.
Me: Thank you for calling Xxxxx Tech Support, have a nice evening.

Sometimes I just want to shake them like a British-nanny shakes a baby. I don't know how these people manage to breath and walk at the same time, much less punch the correct numbers on a touchtone telephone to get to me to annoy me with this type of an issue. Idiots.