Two'fer Review - Pirates of the Clerks II - Dead Man's Donkey Show

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I almost wanted to walk up to the box office after this movie ended. I wanted to demand half of my money back. It's only half a fuckin' movie! 2 and a half hours plus long . . . and zilch in the resolution department. Sure, it has it's moments, but it feels like the makers thought of a couple of cool things and then decided to drag these out for an interminable (until it finished . . sorta) amount of time.

Everyone likes Johnny Depp as "Jack Sparrow" . . . but he just kind of bores the shit out of me. Not to mention that his performance kept getting gayer and gayer as the movie progressed towards it's "climax". Not that I have a problem with gay characters, it's just that his compass should have been pointing towards Orlando Bloom's "Will Turner" character. These two could swordfight *wink* for hours I tell you.

Kudos to the costume department in this movie. They made Keira Knightly look like she had an honest to goodness rack. The special effects were pretty snazzy too. Maybe Disney decided to do a reverse "Herbie the Lovebug" move and increased the mosquito bites she's sporting into a couple of fun bags. The effects budget must have taken a turn for something more interesting when Davey Jones and his crew emerge from the depths. At this point, Knightly spends the rest of the movie in men's clothes. Oh well, it is Disney after all.

There's no way to score an unfinished product. The Curse of the Black Pearl was by leaps and bounds better than this entry into the trilogy. And why the fuck is everyone making trilogies? I think "Bring it On" is coming out with a third movie . . . which would sort of create a trilogy . . . but . . . here I thought that it had already been brought'en.

Clerks II - No, not Clerks eleven. This movie had it's moments. Sure, it's not as great as some of Kevin Smith's other work, but it had us laughing continuously. The strange thing, though, is that "Clerks II" totally negates the happenings of both "Dogma" and "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back". It's like they never happened. Jay and Silent Bob have been sitting around in front of a convenience store or a Mooby's for 10 years.

The acting was not great. I hate the way Brian O'Halloran plays Dante Hicks. His delivery sucks balls and coupled with the his doe-eyed stares at Rosario Dawson, it almost had me puking. The guy that plays Randall is still the same guy, just a little older. He is one of the best parts of the movie. His interactions with both the customers and the 19 year old virgin christian-Transformers lover of a coworker are awesome.

Of course, we were a little distracted while watching this movie. There was a whole row of douchebags sitting in front of us, and the most annoying one was trying to bootleg parts of the movie with his little videophone. It was quite satisfying seeing him run out of battery power just as the Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud scene started. That, and someone let loose a fart that stank like straight shit. It might have actually been feces. I didn't notice anyone running to the bathroom after letting loose with that stank. Maybe they just sat around and stewed in their own fecal matter.