Lohan Chastised by Morgan Creek

Oooh, they done told her! You can almost feel the bitch-slap that production company Morgan Creek has just laid down on Ms. Firecrotch. Just click on the letter to get a closer look. I guess her behavior blows on the movie where she was fake blowing that really really scared looking dude. I hope she gets fired and consequently sued for that 7 million dollars she's worth.

In Theaters - 7/28/06

Wide Releases

The Ant Bully - Legendary pictures is releasing this movie. I have no idea where this production company came from, but they have been putting out a lot of movies lately . . . and here at BAFW . . . we like things that put out. This CG animated movie hopes to cash in on the parents and kids crowd this weekend who have already seen PotC:DMC (if you don't know what that stands for . . . then you need to walk the plank, arrRR!). But, will it make "Shrek" bank or will it make a miniscule ant-hill of a profit . . . who knows. I'm not all that interested in this. So, I'll be skipping this movie.

John Tucker Must Die - The only thing I know about this particular movie is that some dude is dating 3 chicks at the same time. Why he must die because of that is a mystery to me. Who wouldn't want to do this? I'm not entirely sure if he's actually banging these broads, but since it's a high school themed movie, I'm going to guess that's a big no. Expect to see a buncha teeny-boppers running in and out of this movie. Kids eat this stuff up like Amanda Bynes's feces.

Miami Vice - I'm not sure if I'm ready for a remake of the "classic" 80's television series . . . but it is Micheal Mann . . . the "Mann" (haha, get it) responsible for "Heat" and "Collateral", a couple of great movies that I enjoyed. I keep hearing great things about this on the radio, but those commercials always skew towards the positive. So, this one at least piques my interest as opposed to the other two wide releases. It might be good . . . who knows. Go watch it and let me know.

Limited Releases (Synopsis for each provided by the always helpful Yahoo! Movies page . . . Sidenote provided by the always helpful Jaime! Brain)

America: Freedom to Fascism - A documentary about hoe the government is implementing new surveillance technology and its effects on civil liberties.

Another Gay Movie - A spoof on teen comedies where the four best friends looking for action before going off to college are all gay. *Sidenote - I hear the Sal has purchased his tickets for this already. The Sal loves the Cox!

Brothers of the Head - A set of conjoined twins in the 70s are picked by a music promoter for a boy band, but instead become punk rock legends.

Darshan, The Embrace - A documentary about Amma, one of India's most famous "Mahatmas" or spiritual guides, traveling with her inner circle.

I Like Killing Flies - A documentary about Shopsin's, a tiny family-owned Greenwhich Village establishment that has become a local institution.

Little Miss Sunshine - A family hits the road so their young daughter can compete in a beauty contest. Starring Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell. Sidenote - This, I actually want to see.

Scoop - An American student (Scarlett Johansson) pursues a nobleman (Hugh Jackman) who may be a killer. Directed by Woody Allen. Sidenote - Hummuna-hummuna-hummuna. Scarlett Johansson keeps making Woody Allen movies. I wonder why he loves her "acting" so much, she's totally not his adopted daughter.

Girl Fight Fridays!

I might as well embrace this girl fight YouTube genre. It's official, I'm going to start posting up videos of chick fights on Fridays. Why? Because there's nothing like a couple of broads tusslin'. Guy fights lack the hair pulling and eye-gouging that are so ever-present in the classic contest of bitch vs bitch. This one has the added "punch in the face" bonus action. This, along with the Bjork fight video, ends today's feminine fighting broadcast. Tune in next week for more hot girl-on-girl punishing action.

Bjork - The Icelandic Crusher!

When I think of Bjork, I don't think of fighting. I think of songs that can have the same effect as a strong sedative. Don't get me wrong, I like her music (when she sings that is . . . when she starts howling like a banshee, not so much), but this video makes me an official card-carrying Bjork fanclub member. And it has nothing to do with her wailing on a mic, but rather, wailing on a reporter who had the audacity to welcome her to Bangkok. Haha, Bangkok.

FOX'y Freak-Out

I don't watch the news, but I think I should start. This clip from Fox News shows a correspondant freaking out over a little stunt prank some guys played on her. It was all in good fun. When I first saw the clip, I thought that it was the guy that was freaking out, but then I saw Jodi Applegate loose it on camera. "That was not cool dude". Come on, that was a serious news story on . . . bikes getting their chains sawed off? LOL. I beg to differ Jodi, your freak-out was cool. Very cool. Tampon anyone?

Daniel Radcliffe - Horse Jizz-perer

You know Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, or . . . the object of your masturbatory dreams. There are tons of searches looking for nude pictures of the 17 year old actor that I see on my Sitemeter every day. So, finally, all you perverts will have something to look forward to when the actor stars in a play called "Equus" where he will get nude. Here's a quote from the New York Post:

Daniel Radcliffe, the 17-year-old star of the hugely popular "Harry Potter" movies, will play the role of an emotionally disturbed boy who takes off his clothes and blinds horses in a London revival of Peter Shaffer's drama "Equus," The Post has learned.

So, all you Hairy Pooter lovers out there, start lining up for your chance to see underage boys doing things to horses you only see in Dutch inter-species erotica.

British Kids are Smrt . . . S M R T smart.

It takes a little time for this video to gain speed . . . much like the scooter the kids are using to speed up the wheel thing those two blondes are sitting on. But once they get it up to the proper speed, inertia and gravity do their job and it produces one of those cringe-inducing moments that make you laugh. Well, it made me laugh, and that's enough to get it up here.

On a sidenote, Darwinism will not let these kids make it past their 17th birthday. I mean, look at what they're doing now. The legal drinking age in England is 16 right? Just imagine what will happen when they add booze to the mix. Whatever happens, I'm sure I'll get to see it on YouTube.

Pachiderm Proctology

I don't know what to say about this. I actually feel bad for the poor guy. No one can relate to his incredible and shocking experience. When was the last time you got your head stuck up an elephant's ass? Yeah, that's what I thought. This video is almost inspirational. Think about it. No matter how shitty your day has been . . . at least you didn't forcibly get a close look at the inside of a pachiderm's anus.

HDH - Naomi Watts

This week's Hump Day Hottie is Naomi Watts, and from the pictures posted here, I'd be hard-pressed to understand why anyone would disagree. This English-born and Australian-raised actress caught my attention way back when "Tank Girl" was released. Yeah, the movie with mutant kangaroos and a colorfully decorated tank. I watched it twice . . . in theaters. Mostly because of the animated sequences which were so much fun. But anyway, you can check all of her filmed work over at IMDB. And, if you click on the pictures, you can check out her see-through work as well. Nothing like nipples through sheer-clothing I tell you. *Note - I know I forgot to post an HDH post last week. I apologize. But I have one up this week. So, quit your whining, friggin cry babies.

Lance Bass is What . . ?

Hold on a minute. Lance Bass is gay? Like "take it in the butt" gay? Or "I like sing and dance with boys" gay? And, is there a difference? So, this changes everything really. Since this pinnacle of masculinity has outed himself as a lover of penises not already attached to himself, I'm starting to doubt other facts about everything. So the world is not flat? Pigs can't fly?? Paris Hilton is not a virgin?! I don't know what to believe anymore. Click here and let People Magazine shatter your world with the truth.

*Addendum - If you are still in denial and think that People Magazine are a bunch of poopy-pants's for helping out your favorite closeted queer, then check out the Associated Press's article on the MSN website.

Bikini Blitzkrieg

Being that temperatures are rising making southern California feel like the surface of the sun, I thought I'd put up some pictures of Hollywood types sporting the bikini bathing suit. Sure, they're not bathing when they're wearing them, but a couple are close to actual water. But, let's start with Lindsay Lohan, who looks like she enjoys taking pictures of herself in her walk-in closet. Just what here reasoning behind posing like this, rather than posing at a beach or poolside, is beyond me. It almost looks like she's posing for some MySpace pictures . . . but the requisite "mirror in the bathroom" shot is not there. Here's another one, this time . . . with sunglasses? Yes, I repeat, these pictures were taken indoors. Moving on from Lohan, I found this picture of Jessica Alba walking her dog with her gay man-servant. She's seen better days I tell you. I am not down with this Hollywood slim-down trend. There was nothing wrong with the way Jessica Alba looked a couple of years ago. Now, sure, she's still the looker, but it's getting harder and harder to get a glimpse at her. If she were to turn sideways . . . she'd disappear. Eva Longoria must be wanting to change the way BAFW thinks about her, because she's out and about wearing the two piece swimsuit, surrounded by dudes . . . looking like she's about to have an aquatic gang-bang. She must have known that the staff here at BAFW love hydro-sexual activities. Good for you Eva. But, seriously, wax your upper lip and never . . . never ever ever . . . go out in public not wearing make-up. Finally, we have a special picture of Kate Moss letting her nipple slip out while hanging out with her family. And what a nipple it is! I'm wondering why she doesn't incorporate shot-glasses into that bathing suit. Those things are like the oversized pencil erasers. You know the ones your teachers had in first grade. Man, I loved those pencils. Enough reminiscing . . . that's it for today. Enjoy perverts.

Bounty of Information - Client E-mail

I don't know why we try to provide support for people anymore. All of our clients are almost retarded and they have no business being 10 meters from a working computer. The government should just dispense those toys that you pull the cord on, the arrow spins, lands on a barnyard animal and then makes the noise and it should call it a computer. These people won't know the difference. Take this e-mail for example.

You better fix this problem ASAP If you don't fix this I will contact the federal trade commision and the BBB. fix it now!!!

What are we supposed to fix? Usually, when a client e-mails they will at least give us a small nugget of information to get us going in the right direction. This one, on the other hand, has opted to take the mysterious route to tech support. Like sending us an ambiguous threat letter is going to help fix the problem. I swear, it's either barnyard sound computers or I'm buying a shotgun and some shells and taking care of the problem myself . . . if you know what I mean.

*Addendum - Since I'm posting up e-mail here I thought I might as well post up this snippet from a SPAM message we received. It was actually addressed to me, which is good . . . because I love shit like this.

kind as to play back the last speech about the artifact. Coming up. After some clattering and high-pitched voices whizzing by our aged guide sounded forth. Discarded. Gone from Paradise. Non-existent. Men have no need of

I know it's incomplete . . . I am scratching my head as well, wondering just what it is men have no need of.

Lonely Island - Avon Lady pt 1

I don't know who the "Lonely Island" guys are, but this shit's pretty funny. Normally, I would have just overlooked this and laughed, but there's an interesting cameo by none other than Brandon Routh. Yes, Superman lays down the phat raps in this video. Anyway, check it out. You might laugh . . . or not.

Simpson Bounces Assets

Oh yes, Jessica Simpson should do nothing but the above action. No singing, no acting and definately no talking please. In fact, I think she should opt to remove her vocal cords all together. Nobody needs to know what's going on inside that "brain" of hers. All we need to know is wether or not she can bounce around in a bikini.

*Note: Ok, so it didn't work. I really wanted to post up the animated .gif, but, I guess you will have to click on the link to go there to check it out. It's worth it though. Thank you Egotastic for making this available to the masses.

Box Office Report - Strong Like Bull

It seems that PotC's staying power is showing as it continues it's rampage on the American wallet, racking up a third weekend in the 1st spot, a feat that has not been achieved by a single movie this year, until now. "Monster House" debuted at #2, making a decent amount of cash, but, since it's not Disney, it obviously does not have a license to print cash. "Lady in the Water" opened up with a slightly disappointing 18+ million. It might not have helped that the reviews weren't all that great. See what happens when you cast yourself in your movies, M. Night? I mean, you're already running the goddamn show. I don't get why you keep imposing your lack of acting skills by putting yourself in front of the camera.

"You, Me and Dupree" and "Little Man" switched spots on the countdown. If you remember correctly, the "plagiarizing midget movie" was ahead of the "why is Johnny Drama not in this movie" movie, but that's been rectified. It does piss me off immensely that both these movies made more money than "Clerks II", which is a superior comedy . . . despite the weird dance number. Double-you Tea Eff mate?

"My Super Ex-Girlfriend" surprisingly made more money than "Superman Returns" on its opening weekend. And here I thought the Superman movie was goind to pound the Uma out of Uma on the countdown. I did get to see an audience leave this movie while I was waiting for the wife outside the women's bathroom after we saw "Clerks II". It was nothing but sun-baked old hags dragging their pissed off husbands.

The last two movies needed more Anne Hathaway nipple'age. I haven't seen "The Devil Wears Prada", but I'm willing to bet it is tamer than "Havoc", which is the best display of Anne Hathaway's "acting" skills. "Cars" just needed nipples, and since Hathaway wants more adult roles, I'm sure she could have provided them for this movie. CG or real, who cares? And don't even think about trying to understand my line of reasoning. It's way too advanced. Just look at the pretty numbers . . . in bold red (total takes, new openings are always un-bolded and regular colored. You should know this by now). Oooh, pretty color.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - $35,049,000 $321,733,000
2. Monster House - $23,000,000
3. Lady in the Water - $18,210,000
4. You, Me and Dupree - $12,787,000 $45,318,000
5. Little Man - $11,000,000 $40,611,000
6. Clerks II - $9,625,000
7. My Super Ex-Girlfriend - $8,700,000
8. Superman Returns - $7,460,000 $178,427,000
9. The Devil Wears Prada - $7,425,000 $97,571,000
10.Cars - $4,910,000 $229,449,000

Two'fer Review - Pirates of the Clerks II - Dead Man's Donkey Show

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I almost wanted to walk up to the box office after this movie ended. I wanted to demand half of my money back. It's only half a fuckin' movie! 2 and a half hours plus long . . . and zilch in the resolution department. Sure, it has it's moments, but it feels like the makers thought of a couple of cool things and then decided to drag these out for an interminable (until it finished . . sorta) amount of time.

Everyone likes Johnny Depp as "Jack Sparrow" . . . but he just kind of bores the shit out of me. Not to mention that his performance kept getting gayer and gayer as the movie progressed towards it's "climax". Not that I have a problem with gay characters, it's just that his compass should have been pointing towards Orlando Bloom's "Will Turner" character. These two could swordfight *wink* for hours I tell you.

Kudos to the costume department in this movie. They made Keira Knightly look like she had an honest to goodness rack. The special effects were pretty snazzy too. Maybe Disney decided to do a reverse "Herbie the Lovebug" move and increased the mosquito bites she's sporting into a couple of fun bags. The effects budget must have taken a turn for something more interesting when Davey Jones and his crew emerge from the depths. At this point, Knightly spends the rest of the movie in men's clothes. Oh well, it is Disney after all.

There's no way to score an unfinished product. The Curse of the Black Pearl was by leaps and bounds better than this entry into the trilogy. And why the fuck is everyone making trilogies? I think "Bring it On" is coming out with a third movie . . . which would sort of create a trilogy . . . but . . . here I thought that it had already been brought'en.

Clerks II - No, not Clerks eleven. This movie had it's moments. Sure, it's not as great as some of Kevin Smith's other work, but it had us laughing continuously. The strange thing, though, is that "Clerks II" totally negates the happenings of both "Dogma" and "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back". It's like they never happened. Jay and Silent Bob have been sitting around in front of a convenience store or a Mooby's for 10 years.

The acting was not great. I hate the way Brian O'Halloran plays Dante Hicks. His delivery sucks balls and coupled with the his doe-eyed stares at Rosario Dawson, it almost had me puking. The guy that plays Randall is still the same guy, just a little older. He is one of the best parts of the movie. His interactions with both the customers and the 19 year old virgin christian-Transformers lover of a coworker are awesome.

Of course, we were a little distracted while watching this movie. There was a whole row of douchebags sitting in front of us, and the most annoying one was trying to bootleg parts of the movie with his little videophone. It was quite satisfying seeing him run out of battery power just as the Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud scene started. That, and someone let loose a fart that stank like straight shit. It might have actually been feces. I didn't notice anyone running to the bathroom after letting loose with that stank. Maybe they just sat around and stewed in their own fecal matter.

Upskirt City + Sideboob-burg Collide - Mischa Barton

I've been posting upskirts under the heading "Upskirt City" for some time now. Now, I've decided to post side-boob pictures as well, under the new and awesome heading of "Sideboob-burg". Why is it awesome? Because I came up with it. ah-Duh! Unfortunately for you, the reader, the first chick pictured for this new category is Mischa Barton. This girl just can't sit around or exit a car without showing a little something-something. Emphasis on little . . . and flat. If you squint hard enough, you can make out a little panty visibility there as well, which is why this picture falls under both categories. It also falls under the un-official "Why the fuck do people find this chick hot" category. I mean, seriously . . . she's ghostly looking. I think the library ghost in the opening scene of Ghostbusters had more curves than this girl. She's looking positively Nicole Ritchie-ish. Yuck.

Before and After - Mewes Edition

Since Clerks II is opening up this weekend, I thought I would post this up. It's somewhat related to the movie, being that Jason Mewes plays one of the main characters, Jay. The first picture was taken around 2003, right before Mewes went into rehab for his heroin addiction. The 2nd picture, was taken just recently at the premier. Is it me, or does Mewes kind of look like Christian Bale now. Is this what recovery from an addiction does to someone? I'm no 'mo, but the guy looks pretty good considering what he used to look like. I wonder what checking in for a nail-biting addiction will do to me. I know it's not as bad as heroin, but if recovery does this to someone, any improvement to my looks will be appreciated.

Utter Bullshit

I took Heather to her dental appointment today. Nothing out of the ordinary while getting there. Apart from them taking an epic amount of time to do a procedure that should have only taken 20 minutes, it was a normal visit. Up until I had to go out to move my car since I had parked in a 2 hour zone. When I got to my car I noticed a piece of paper stuck to my windshield wiper blade. At first I thought it was a ticket, which would have been utter bullshit because the car had only been there for an hour and 45 minutes.

When I unfolded the paper, I realized it was a note. I'll paraphrase it for you. It basically said that I had parked too close to someone's vehicle and scratched their bumper (unspecified front/back) with my license plates' screws. I did notice that there was a new truck parked in front of my car which was touching my car's front bumper. Now, when I had parked earlier, it had been in parked in between two sedans, with plenty of space between the cars and mine. Heather even crossed the street by going in between my car and another one, so my car was not initially parked too close to anything.

There was a number on the note. I called it, because the person who wrote it said that he/she would be contacting their insurance agency to file a claim against me. I got a voice mail and left a message telling the person that I had not touched their car with mine and that I had a witness that can corroborate my claim. I even took pictures with my cellphone of the screws that allegedly scraped the other car. There was no paint on them. The back license plate screws could not have done any damage because they are recessed into the bumber.

I also took the initiative to call my own insurance agency and file a claim, letting them know that I had gotten a note accusing me of damaging a car that I had not touched. They took down all the information, agreed that this happens from time to time. There are a lot of people that will claim that other cars damage their cars in an attempt to perpetrate insurance fraud. They told me an adjustor would be calling me tomorrow to review the facts and that someone would be calling the number on the note (which I provided them with) to speak with this person. They also told me that if the douchebag returns my call, to not bother messing around with arguing with them and to just give them the claim number.

So, I now await the next step in this utter bullshit saga. I really want this cocksucker to call me and accuse me of damaging their piece of shit car. And I will go to court over this if necessary. No fucker's going to accuse me of something I did not do.

HDH - Sarah Silverman

So, she's no Scarlett Johanssen or Natalie Portman, but something about foul-mouthed Sarah Silverman is just so hot. She's got a pretty decent body, average looking in the face, but I think that it's her sick and twisted sense of humor that is her most attractive feature. If you haven't seen "Jesus is Magic", you should really check it out. It made an elderly couple that was there at the theater leave the movie in a tiff. So you know it's good. Her bit on "The Aristocrats" was one of the funniest of that whole movie (my wife will argue that the movie was not funny at all, but I liked it). If anyone has pictures of her in compromising positions (nip-slip/camel-toe/voyeur'ish) please send them along.
"I wish Jimmy Kimmel was packing something this big"

Love in the Inbox

This is one of the latest SPAM messages we got in the tech support inbox today.

Hello .

I am a lovely and lonely Lady who is looking for the man who will make me happy and whom I want to feel like in paradise with!
If you want to be my beautiful Hero who will save me from this loneliness find me http://www.hope-for-love.com/ and wake me up with a warm kiss.

Goodbye

Folvyn A.

I told the Sal about it and his ears perked up like if I had told him there was free pussy in the kitchen for the taking. What's up with that? Is the Sal hard up for women? He he, I said "hard up".

Christina Aguilera - Modesty Redefined

More women should walk around like Christina Aguilera does. Just think about it. If all women with nice racks went around town in slightly see-through shirts or blouses, don't you think the world would be a better place? Who would have time to commit crime when there are bountiful racks that need just the right amount of attention to reveal, only slightly, what lies below that thin fabric. See, this is why Christina Aguilera has to be awarded a Nobel Peace prize. If she gets this see-through shirt movement going though. She can recruit Pamela Anderson, who is already a PETA spokesperson. Her titties are visible not only through shirts, but through bras as well. What else can you expect when a woman has breasts like the San Onofre Nuclear Power plant.
Aguilera will soon become the Mother Theresa of slightly see-through shirts

Happy Birthday

It was my wife's birthday this past Friday. No, not her regular birthday, that's not until August. The one she had this past weekend was a very special 1 year anniversary of her not using a certain type of destructive and utterly addictive illicit substance. In Narcotics Annonymous, they celebrate this by calling it your "NA Birthday", and every year they give each other cakes and sing to one another. It's a nice gesture.

We headed out to one of the Friday night meetings in Hollywood. There's always tons of people there. It's not the best meeting if you want to hear what's going on. There's always chatter filling the small gymnasium from people who might not be as respectful of the healing process as others might be. My wife and I went with my father in law; who has been clean for 30 years, and his sister; who came down all the way from Sacramento for the special occassion.

This was a pretty important moment in my wife's life. If she hadn't decided to stop what she was doing a whole year ago, I don't think we would be together now. Not because I would have left her. Nothing would ever make me stop loving her. It's just that I don't think she would be alive now. But she's doing so much better than she was in July of 2005. This is when she decided to check herself in to a rehab clinic in North Hollywood. She was supposed to be in there for at least 3 months, but rebellious and non-conformist Heather was out of there in 2 weeks. She was (and still is) determined to do it herself. She took control of her recovery and hasn't used what was ruining her life.

Now, a whole year later, it's almost as if the wonderful person that was buried deep within her has blossomed, like a flower, and it's great to see her being happy and not acting crazy. Some of the shit we went through a year ago was almost so surreal I thought it was a nightmare. I'm just glad that she is as strong as she is now not to pick it up again. I admire her strength and resolve. I can see a future for us now. A year ago, I wasn't sure. Now, I'm looking forward to it.

*End of sappy-post. I will be going back to the usual entries after this.

P.S. - We did get a slight celebrity sighting at the Friday night meeting. We saw a certain actress that used to be on Entourage. I'm not going to say who it was, but her yellow crayon and sharpie marker doodles were quite nice. Heather thinks she was probably on the same thing she used to be on, since she would always draw when she was on that stuff. Anyway, this girl was on her first 30 days clean, so I hope she continues and sticks with it.

Nipple-Topia - Mischa Barton

Popular ex-"The OC" (she died on that show right?) star Mischa Barton was spotted in England letting it all hang out. Well, whatever she has to offer was hanging out really, which is not much. Those titties are shaped like pancakes. Sure, there are some of you who'd pour maple syrup all over them and go to town, but me, not so much. I need a little more meat in the rack. Just personal preference. So, yeah, that's it. Just a nipple slip picture to whet your "almost entirely visible-nipple" appetites.

Box Office Report - Pillaged and Ransacked

For the 2nd week in a row, the Disney juggernaut known as "Super Natural Pirate Movie" keeps the top spot at the box office. Oh wait, no, that's the name of the movie that kook is trying to sue Disney over. You see, this guy came up with a lot of elements for an unproduced movie that are very similar to what Disney is making the bank with these days. Why he waited til the 2nd movie of the series to come out to take his case to court is beyond me. In the slight off-chance that he might win, I'm sure Disney will have no trouble parting with 1-2 million of their close to (currently) 260 million dollar take right now. "Little Man", the #2 spot-holder does indeed look very little compared to the kind of business that PotC is making, but it shouldn't have made a single dollar (in a perfect world) to begin with. So, point for the Wayans.

"You, Me and Dupree" came in at third, continually proving that people in the United States are succeptible to watching crap. All the while, "Superman Returns" keeps slowly making it's money back. Not quite as fast as it should have. But, it's churning on. I'm pretty sure the worldwide box office take will close the gap for it.

The rest of the list is pretty uninteresting, except for "A Scanner Darkly", which looks very interesting. I'm glad it's making some money. It's still on limited release, but I hope it makes progress and keeps climbing the chart. Below is the actual list. This week, we're using "cash money" green to depit total box office takes.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - $62,186,000 $258,205,000
2. Little Man - $21,700,000
3. You, Me and Dupree - $21,338,000
4. Superman Returns - $11,620,000 $163,648,000
5. The Devil Wears Prada - $10,450,000 $83,554,000
6. Cars - $7,536,000 $219,697,000
7. Click - $7,000,000 $119,702,000
8. The Lake House - $1,570,000 $48,901,000
9. Nacho Libre - $1,523,000 $77,140,000
10.A Scanner Darkly - $1,185,000 $1,787,000

A Scanner Broken

Our website has an online scanner that clients purchase access to. It's pretty helpful to determine if your resident anti-virus program might have missed something. It was down for about a week though. You know how these things work. Shit happens. I checked it out again today when I got into work. This e-mail precipitated my action.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH ME NOT BEING ABLE TO GET ON TO SCAN MY COMPUTER. THE LAST E MAIL I RECEIVED SAID IT WOULD TAKE A FEW DAYS AND GUESS WHAT I STILL CANNOT GET ON IT. I HAVE A PASS WORD AND IT DOESN'T WORK SO WHAT KNOW. DON'T EXPLAIN ABOUT POP UP AND ALL THAT STUFF I AM AWARE OF IT. I WAS GETTING ON AND FOR SOME REASON IT STOPPED! SO HELP ME OUT OR I WILL CALL THE INTERNET POLICE AND FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON.

Oh man, I don't want to get in trouble with the "Internet Police". Scary, they're going to come by and slap some e-cuffs on me. The online scanner is working now. I sent the douche a message telling her how to work it.

In Theaters - 7/14/06

Wide Releases

Little Man - Who greenlights Wayans' Brothers movies. There must be some crazy, sadistic motherfucker out there that knows something the rest of us with cinematic taste don't. This particular filmed entry into their burgeoning filmography "borrows" heavily from Looney Toons cartoons from way back in the day. Nothing is sacred to these assholes. Well, "chasin' da dolla" apparently is, but let's not count that. Who will watch this movie this weekend? People who didn't get into the other craptacular movie that comes out this weekend.

You, Me and Dupree - I like Owen Wilson. Not "like" like him, I ain't gay yo. But he's a funny guy, and I've laughed at pretty much every role he's played since "Bottle Rocket". This one might turn me against him though. This movie just looks terrible. I think it rivals "Little Man" in gawd-awful-ness. And who finds Kate Hudson attractive anyway? She's like a stick figure. Why does she keep getting acting roles. She's not very good at it either. Life baffles me sometimes.

Limited Releases (AKA - The interesting movie-fare you will overlook at the cineplex. Synopsi provided by Yahoo! Movies . . . they put the something in something. You figure it out. Now, where's my plug money Yahoo! No, I'm not screaming at you. You have an exclamation point at the end of your company name.)

Edmond - A businessman (William H. Macy) leaves his family and explores New York's seedy underworld. Written by David Mamet.

Gabrielle - A middle-aged French man discovers a letter written by his wife that overturns his entire perception of their marriage.

The Groomsmen - A groom and his four groomsmen discover their extended adolescence might finally end the week before the wedding.

Mini's First Time - A worldly 18-year-old (Nikki Reed) seduces her stepfather and schemes to get her pesky mother out of the picture.

The Oh in Ohio - A sexually frustrated married woman (Parker Posey) finds satisfaction with her pool guy (Danny DeVito). Edit - What the fuck? Danny friggin DeVito?

Time to Leave (Le Temps Qui Reste) - A French fashion photographer is given 3 months to live spends his last days with his grandmother and a cafe waitress.

It All Makes Sense Now

We got this e-mail in our tech support inbox. I think the meaning of life is hidden somewhere within, and it surely isn't "46". Feel free to read between the lines, words, syllables, letters . . . anything you can to figure out just what the fuck is going on here.

Subject: AYUDANOS A CREAR TU NOCHE IDEAL

If about freight train derive perverse satisfaction from salad dressing near paper napkin, then ski lodge living with piroshki procrastinates.

Dead or Alive - Up to Snuff

Videogame movie adaptations are never great. Sometimes they look great, but they never have a great story. Especially movies based on fighting games. Case in point - "Street Fighter" starring Jean Claude Van Damme. I don't think I even need to mention the "Mortal Kombat" movies. I realize I just did, but don't be nit-picky with me. So, Dead or Alive (DOA) is coming out this year (I think) and it at least has Jaime Pressley in it, who happens to be the hottest piece of white trash this side of the Mississippi. That, and it isn't being directed by Uwe Boll. I might be wrong about that last claim. It might be more wishful thinking than concrete fact. From the look of the pictures above and below, it looks like they're covering pretty much all three areas that the Team Ninja videogame covered. Babes, fighting, and volleyball. Enjoy.

Broken Lizard's Next Filmed Epic

In case you haven't heard, comedy geniuses; Broken Lizard, are coming out with a new movie this summer. It's called "Beerfest", and if it's as funny as "Super Troopers" was, I'm already buying my ticket. It doesn't matter what it's about, all you need to know is that it does NOT star Lindsay Lohan and the studio probably spent 2 dollars to make this movie. Unlike a certain caped superhero movie, which cost a quarter of a billion to make, and so far, is only about half-way to making it all back. Please, don't let this movie pass you up and get lost with all the other summertime crap that is released by the Hollywood studios. These guys need to make more movies, and a good showing at the box office by this one will ensure that they keep pumping out solid laugh-fests. Also check out "Club Dread" on DVD while you're waiting for this to come out.

Lindsay Lohan - A Mighty Wind

Looks like Lindsay Lohan is really working hard on her role. I mean, she's really getting into it. Deep into the nitty-gritty of the oft overlooked world of blowjobs. Pictures keep appearing of her rehearsing this particular scene quite a lot. Maybe it's just an hour and a half of a guy looking scared while Lohan is down there. I don't even know what this movie is called, and furthermore, could care less. I'm just glad it is providing material to keep you people coming in for more.
Your penis is like totally weird. It's missing all the bumps and sores I'm used to, teehee!

Lohan Blows on Film

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E-mailed Eloquence

This e-mail made my day. I probably would not have run across it if a co-worker hadn't forwarded it to me. I asked if I could reply to it. I mean, how could I miss out on an oppurtinity like this one. He caps locked every single on of the words he typed. He must have been furious. I'm going to hightlight all the curse words, just so that you don't miss them.

THIS USER ID AND PASSWORD THAT YOU JUST EMAILED ME DON'T WORK.

I KEY THEM INTO THE UPDATES SETTINGS ON THE Xxxxx INTERFACE AND I'M TOLD THEY'RE INCORRECT.

WHY DO ALL YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO BE SUCH A BIG FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS! AND YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR ASSES CHEWED.

EVERY SOFTWARE I BUY HAS TO BE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE. MCAFEE WAS. AND SO ARE YOU.

YOU GOT THAT FUCKING POPUP WINDOW TELLING ME TIME TO UPDATE, CAN'T UPDATE, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN LATER, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

GROW UP, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! GIVE US AN ADULT PRODUCT.

GIVE ME A USER ID AND PASSWORD THAT WORK.

BEFORE THIS IT WAS A FUCKING POPUP THAT HARRASSED THE FUCK OUT OF ME TELLING ME I NEED TO REGISTER THE PRODUCT. I TAKE MY VALUABLE TIME TO RE-, I REPEAT, RE-REGISTER. AND YOU TELL ME I WAS ALREADY REGISTERED. WHY THE FUCK BOTHER ME IF I WAS ALREADY REGISTERED?. I CAN TELL YOU'RE GONNA BE A BIG PAIN IN THE ASS LIKE MCAFEE WAS. ARE YOU A SUBSIDIARY OF THEIRS?

THEN, YOU DUMBFUCKS, I TRY TO REPLY TO YOUR EMAIL AT CUSTOMER.SERVICE. YOU WON'T ACCEPT THE EMAIL. THEN, FUCKHEADS, I TRY TO USE THE Xxxxx INTERFACE TO SEND AN EMAIL TO TECH SUPPORT. CAN'T DO IT! SOME KIND OF FUCKING ERROR.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU IRRESPONSIBLE FUCKHEADS? NO OTHER PRODUCT WOULD DARE BE AS MUCH OF A FUCKUP AS YOU SOFTWARE MAKERS ARE. THEY WOULD BE OUT OF BUSINESS.

I CAN'T UPDATE MY FUCKING Xxxxx PIECE OF SHIT UNTIL I CAN ENTER A VALID USER ID AND PASSWORD. ARE YOU GONNA SEND ME THOSE ITEMS OF DO I COMPLAIN TO HIGH HEAVEN AND THE BBB? IT SHOULDN'T TAKE ME TWO FUCKING HOURS TO DO A HALF HOUR JOB.

AND, YOU BETTER NOT SEND ME A VIRUS EITHER. YOU'RE JUST EVIL ENOUGH TO DO THAT.

GET THOSE RIDICULOUS FUCKING NAG SCREENS OFF MY DESKTOP!!!

THERE'S ONE OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING POPUPS NOW. UPDATE CANCELLED! TRY AGAIN NOW, TRY AGAIN LATER, RECEIVE MY USER ID AGAIN. AND I DARE NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THOSE OPTIONS. BUT WHEN I DO YET ANOTHER MESSAGE WILL POPUP ASKING ME TO REAFFIRM IF I TRULY WANT TO UPDATE. THEN, YET, YET, YET ANOTHER POPUP WILL TELL ME I CAN'T.

YOU LAME MOTHERFUCKERS!

He is a wordsmith I tell you. He has shown us here at work that he can use the word "fuck" and a varied array of permutations of that word, so he must mean business. Here is my reply to his e-mail.

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your kind words. The e-mail is very eloquent. What is the user name and password that you were issued? Please send it to us so that we can test them out on one of our lab machines. And no, we are not a subsidiary of McAfee.

Have a nice day.

I haven't heard back from him yet. I'm waiting, anxiously, with bated breath, for his next expletive-laden opus.

BAFW goes Porno

I'm not sure if you're one of the lucky ones to see the Clicksor pornographic ads that just started popping up on my blog. I didn't do this on purpose. My theory is, since the ad came up right around the same spot where I posted the horrible Eva Longoria pictures, the system is just trying to overcompensate for the nightmarish visions by showing you some pictures of anal sex. It makes perfect sense to me.

Eva Longoria - Sans Make-Up

Wow, I knew there was a reason why I didn't quite like Eva Longoria. I mean, apart from that annoying voice of hers, something else was throwing up alarm bells in my brain. I guess, under all that carefully crafted makeup, lies the beast pictured here. She's not even average looking without being all done up. She looks like a Mexican maid. And not one that would make a whole lot of money either. She would totally not get hired for those stripper maid services. Not that I know much about those. I mean, I strip when I clean up the house, but only because my wife demands it. But that's really not that important is it? The next couple of Longoria pictures are going to be biggie-sized . . . if you just ate. I'm sorry, but you will be seeing your food come back up, and then watch your vomit vomit at the sight of Eva Longoria without make up.

What a handsome moustache Mr. Longoria.

Lohan and Bikinis - New Addiction

Do they have a bikinis annonymous meeting that Lindsay Lohan can attend? I mean, at what point do you do an intervention and tell her that enough is enough. We know that she likes bikinis, but everything must be done in moderation. I guess it's a healthier obsession than snorting blow every waking hour of her life. It's good to see she no longer spends days upon days in crack-houses or New York motels blowing all her money on smack . . . allegedly. I wonder if those bikini bottoms are fire retardant? She does have that firecrotch after all.

She is also hanging out with a new boyfriend apparently, who lifted her up just with one arm. I know what you all are thinking. It's not me. I'm married already. And yes, I am that strong. My middle name IS indeed "He-Man" and yes, I am one of the "Masters of the Universe". If you want to argue with me, I'll refer you to my orange and green Battle Tiger. He usually sorts out my disputes when they're too inane to even require my attention.
Lohan was not sure why her new boyfriend decided to give her a prostate exam, but she enjoyed it none-the-less.

Rosario Dawson = Nerd Dream

Rosario Dawson is a pretty hot actress. She's been in a few movies, looking pretty hot in all of them. I'm sure there are a bunch of nerds out there that would totally geek out about the following little story. You see, Rosario Dawson just put out a comic book. Yeah, a friggin funny-book with her likeness in it. So now, when nerds read this and wonder if they could ever meet their fantasy comic book heroine, they just might . . . if they're incredibly lucky. The comic is called "Occult Crimes Taskforce". You can check out a review of it here. I haven't read it myself, but I might pick up the trade when it gets collected. My wife might even read it . . . if she read comics. Which she doesn't because she's definately not nerdy in any way, shape or form possible. She does like the Rosario Dawson though. And when I say like, I mean *wink*like*wink*. If you don't know what I mean, then you don't watch enough late night Cinemax or Showtime.

Weekend Box Office Report - Pirates take the Booty

It seems that America loves Johnny Depp in mascara . . . I mean, playing a pirate. Disney's latest offering in the Pirates of the Caribbean theatrial adaptation of the ride busted a ton of records. It even beat out the fake Aquaman opening weekend numbers. If you don't watch "Entourage", then you're not in the "know". "Superman Returns" returns this weekend at #2 and with a drop-off of about 60%, proving that Warner Brothers is in a heap of trouble if they can't recoup their quarter-billion dollar investment in this movie. "The Devil Wears Prada" gets a nice chunk of change added to it's total take, enabling the Devil to not only buy Prada, but Versaci, Gucci, and maybe get himself some of those dashing Manolo Blahniks.

The next three movies on the list (Click, Cars, and Nacho Libre) kind of baffle me in their success. Why does Adam Sandler keep making so much money with the movies he is in. His best role so far was in "Punch Drunk Love", which was his most un-Adam Sandler'ish role to date. He should make some more of those. Or maybe not, we might end up with another "Spanglish". "Cars" was just boring as all fuck. "Nacho Libre", while amusing, was not expected to make much money. If you look at Jack Black's previous track record as a leading man . . . it ain't that great.

The bottom portion of the countdown is populated by pure and utter shit, and we will not touch it with a ten foot pole. Suffice to say that I hope Vince Vaughn knows something we here at BAFW don't know about Jennifer Aniston. Like, maybe, despite her man-face, she willingly takes it in the pooper. Maybe that's why he's marrying her. It's hard to find a woman (outside of a porno) that like that kind of action. What does that have to do with the 100+ million "The Break Up" made . . . absolutely nothing. Total takes this week in new and improved bold RED. You're not tripping out. I did that. But, do put down the crack pipe. Heed Whitney Houston's words . . . "Crack is whack".

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - $132,028,000
2. Superman Returns - $21,850,000 $141,677,000
3. The Devil Wears Prada - $15,600,000 $63,696,000
4. Click - $12,000,000 $105,921,000
5. Cars - $10,330,000 $205,504,000
6. Nacho Libre - $3,339,000 $73,813,000
7. The Lake House - $2,845,000 $45,621,000
8. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - $2,484,000 $57,369,000
9. Waist Deep - $1,861,000 $19,167,000
10.The Break-Up - $1,646,000 $114,304,000

First Sour, then Sweet

I just ran into an e-mail that made me laugh a little. Not because it was particularly funny, but because of the two extremes that can be found within the body of the e-mail. He starts off all sour, and ends it sweet. Just like a Starburst Sour Chew. Maybe he goes around cutting pony tails off, and then hugging legs shortly thereafter.
Here comes the sour.

My xxxxxxx 2006 sec suite is not updating. Seems two months is it's limit. I am not very damned amused!

Message "could not update antivirus correctly." Cause of error - not defined. Error code 190017

Unless you can get this dog-crap software functioning and keep it doing so for more than a month or so, I want a full refund.

Get ready for the sweet.

When you come to the edge of all the Light that you know and you are
about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen -- there will be something solid to stand on or we will be taught to fly.

Change the life of a child. Please visit Compassion International at www.compassion.com/Default

Search Term Flavor of the Week - BlogSearch

I decided to just monitor one search engine this week. The lucky application was Google's BlogSearch engine, which brings a lot of traffic to these parts of the internet. Of course, the searches run from benign (movie searches) to perverse (Brazil Anal?), but I love them all just the same. No discernible filtering below, just an upchuck of results.

panty pics
basic instinct
no panties
camel toe
nude
ANAL
upskirt
nip slips
britney
mariah carey videos
boob pics
teen blogs
sexy girls videos
ladies wrestling
spanking videos
sexy video blogs
pam anderson video
kelly brook
lindsay lohan
britney spears
butt blogurl:blogspot.com
photo alba blogurl:blogspot.com
xxx passwords
celeb upskirt
video upskirt
celebrity nudity
morgan webb
daniel radcliffe
"nacho libre"
brazil anal +blogspot.com
topless bikini
japanese girls nude
ladies for photos
britney picture
camel toe
japanese nipples
SEXY PHOTOGRAPHS
lesbians blogurl
XXX passwords July 2006
mariah carey nude
xxx blogurl:
pete wentz
jennifer aniston nude clips
bikini wmv
blogs with nudity
boob slip
arab mpeg
footjob
knightly
sex clips
Boobs and Bras
Kristin Cavalleri
Celebrities
spiderman 3 teaser trailer download
slip Galleries
love hewitt nip
ribs
nude ice skater
see through bra
anna farris
gagfactor
linsey lohan cracked out
brittany nude
kristen bell
Christina Aguilera
jaime

Conversations with The Sal - The Sal loves the Cox

The Sal likes someone at work. Well, he likes several chicks at work (he likes to keep his options open), but a certain one in particular just makes me giggle.

Jaime says: how's the courting of the r3c3p going?
(The Sal vocalizes: It's not a courtship)
Jaime says: don't you want a piece of Cox?
The Sal says: there's no courting
Jaime says: lol
Jaime says: piece of Cox . . . that sounds gh3y
The Sal says: yes i know...so dont use it
Jaime says: it's not my fault you are attracted to Cox
Jaime says: well, it's true right?
The Sal says: no its not
Jaime says: what? you're telling me you don't want to lay pipe there
Jaime says: do a little plumbing work
The Sal says: k4r3n yes cox no
Jaime says: well . . . they go hand in hand
Jaime says: it's her namesake
Jaime says: are you telling me you can't handle the Cox?

This is when the Sal just laughs and tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He had also told me to keep him out of my blog, but since I'm the Lord and Master of my domain, and the asshole transferred a single license client to me . . . all bets are off.

In Theaters - 7/07/06

Opening Wide

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - The 2nd in the planned trilogy of movies that has Johnny Depp do his best Keith Richards impersonation. Thankfully, it has Keira Knightly in a push-up corsett, which is the only way one can enjoy that tiny little spice rack she has. This current entry into the Disney franchise will piss off a few people. It's ending is abrupt, very Matrix Reloaded-ish . . . if you catch my drift. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure the wife will drag me to this. She's very much into that Depp fellow.

Limited Releases

Heading South - Three North American women discover excitement and danger while vacationing in Haiti during the 1980's

Once in a Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos - A documentary about the professional soccer team that brought Brazilian superstar Pelé to the U.S. in the 1970s

A Scanner Darkly - I don't usually do a write up for a Limited Release feature, but this one seems to be pretty freaking awesome. Sure, it's got Keanu "Whoa" Reeves, but I won't let that ruin the fun for me. There are zero magic mailboxes in this movie. The story is a little confusing. Apparently, in the near future, there will be a highly addictive drug (Bejeweled 2?) that causes split personality disorders. Keanu plays a cop (I think) that is having a little conflict between the left and right hemispheres of his brain. I'm not sure if I will convince the wife to go watch this, but I will be watching this movie. Maybe next week.

Upskirt City - Abi Titmus

Who the hell ('s kitchen) is Abi Titmus? See what I did there, that was a bit of a pun. I know, I'm a clever rapscallion. Actually, I had to look this broad up to find out just why I cared that she goes out on the town with nothing on downtown. She was part of that extreme reality cooking show. No, not Iron Chef. Hell's Kitchen, which is a show where a British-accented jackass screams at cooks trying to make it in the high-paced, and flame-prone world of . . . cooking. Wow, sounds fan-fucking-tastic. This is a good upskirt though. It's not just a hairy beaver shot. You get a hint of labia majora with this one. That's on the second picture by the way. Don't break out the magnifying glass for the first shot.

Spider-Man Super Spoiler

Now, with alliteration! We're taking a break with posting various pictures of celebrities in beach wear to discuss next year's biggest movie opening. Yeah, I'm predicting Spider-Man 3 to actually produce gold as a by-product of being watched as much as it is going to be . . erm, watched. That was an akward sentence. Regardless, there seems to be a series of pictures (that I swiped) depicting three characters. This interaction between the three characters pictured will most likely throw in a new wrinkle into the Spider-Man dynamic, and most likely fuel Peter Parker's anti-crime spree against a certain sandy criminal.

*SPOILER - Just go away if you still want to preserve the effectiveness of this "Oh Shit" moment. I gave you fair warning.



Yeah, that's Uncle Ben, the thug who killed him, and Flint Marko, AKA - The Sandman! It seems that he might have been involved in the demise of Spider-Man's uncle . . . the whole catalyst for the superhero to take up a life of vigilante'ism. This is, of course, a deviation from the comics, but we're talking another medium of entertainment here. I think it's ok for film to adjust some things. There is still a possibility that the black Spidey suit is just fucking with his head, and showing him things that didn't actually happen. It's all up in the air right now. But damn, this is some huge spoiler.

Celebrities get Bikini'd

It's summer. It's hot. Which means, celebrities are hitting the beach with family or fuck-buddies. So, chances are you're going to be seeing some hot (depending on what your tastes are) celebrity eye candy. And since the summers keep getting hotter (just ask Al Gore), the bikinis will keep getting smaller and smaller. Here's a small smattering of celebrities currently rocking the two-piece bathing suit.
Jessica Biel

Kristin Cavalleri

Courtney Cox-Arquette

Lindsay Lohan

7/07/06 - Addendum: More celebrities skimping it up at the beach, or in Mena Suvari's case . . . the gas station. And I know that even though tight pants and a sports bra does not actually count as a bikini, it's still two pieces of clothing with an exposed midsection. And then there's the badonkadonk. So, I had to post it.
Pamela Anderson

Lindsay Lohan (again)

Mena Suvari

Jessica "Ribs" Alba

Jessica Alba is hot . . . but what the hell is up with those ribs? I mean, she used to have a body, right? I wasn't imagining watching her in "Idle Hands" (with my hands not idle) and seeing that she had a pretty bangin' bod. Now, she's walking around like a Nicole Ritchie wannabe. This is proof positive that the bitch has to die. Bring me the head of Nicole Ritchie on a plate. But not a full sized plate. You can use one of those tiny plates that go under the tea cups. It's that light and small. Her influence over Hollywood's hotties has to end. Jessica Alba can still be rehabilitated. All she needs is a little sausage. Pump her right up . . . err . . . I meant "plump" her. Slip of the tounge.
Alba is very proud of her Washboard Ribs