Box-Office Run-Down

So what if I'm a day late on this. What are you going to do, sue me?? She has a mohawk and is riding a wheelchair, so I don't see how your case would hold up in court (ATHF inside joke).

1. Doom - Because America loves a big, dumb, loud, and ultimately satisfying movie experience, here we have Doom taking the top spot. The Sal and I went to see this last weekend (with our respective female better halves) and we had a pretty good time. The ladies, not so much, but whatever. I totally went to see that Corpse Bride movie and was bored to tears but I did not complain once. So I figure my wife owes me. Now she's demanding I go watch that Elizabethtown movie with her.

2. Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story - What? Really? In real life, there's awful-toothed creepy little girls that nurse horses back from a broken leg to win some sort of award? How inspirational. If I were a little girl. Pfft. I guess Dakota Fanning had to do something since she's no longer perched on Tom Cruises' shoulders anymore. And Kurt Russel seemingly has to pay back Disney for launching his acting career in the 70's. How else would you explain Snake Plisskin retiring as a horse trainer.

3. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - Loved this movie, and I have gushed so much about it that I don't know if I feel comfortable around it anymore. It's like there's a weird and awkward period between me and the movie. Hey, WGTCOTWR . . . call me.

4. The Fog - Is is mid-day already so the fog can burn away. Sheesh. It's dropped down a considerable amount since last week, when it unexplainably was America's top movie. I guess a glimpse of Maggie Grace walking around her house in her panties and a sheer tank top was enough to get people into the theaters last week. This week not so much, since by now everyone has realized that she can't act her way out of an unemployment line . . . which is where she's headed for after getting offed on Lost in 2 weeks.

5. North Country - You know, I wouldn't hold it against those miners for sexually harrassing Charlize Theron. Sure, sexual harrassment is wrong . . . but come on. That's Charlize Theron. You'd be stupid not try to cop a feel, or take a peek into the women's locker room . . . or masturbate to that scene in "2 Days in the Valley". Erm . . . moving on.

6. Elizabethtown - I used to like Cameron Crowe movies, but that was before he enlisted the sleepy acting skills of Kirsten Dusnt. Now I'm just indifferent towards the whole thing. And Orlando Bloom? Apart from stoic elves, his acting range is fairly limited. Not that I would be a better replacement for him. And not that I would since I'm assuming the role requires making out with Kirsten Dunst. I fear those vampire chompers of hers would shred my lips like a lawnmower. Plus, I don't like making out with chicks that I can feel their breasts on my knees . . . when standing up.

7. Flightplan - I predict this will be out of the top ten by next week. It has to. This thing's been on here longer than a trans-pacific flight from Los Angeles to Bangkok. That's all I have about this. Just wanted to work in Bangkok into a post. Just 'cause it's a funny name. Bangkok.

8. In Her Shoes - If I am able to fit in her shoes . . . then goddayum she's got some big feet. And you know what they say about girls with big feet. Their movies don't do well in the box office. Oh, and they have huge cocks too. Yes, Cameron Diaz and Toni Collete have huge penises.

9. A History of Violence - I'm kicking myself in the ass for not getting a chance to see this yet. I have to catch it at the discount theater in the next week or so.

10. Two for the Money - This is still hanging around? Why? Oh well, it's about to get euthanized right out of the countdown, just like Al Pacino's career if he keeps making crap like this. And shouldn't Mathew McConeghey (I think that's how you spell that name) be busy with "The Wedding Planner 2: Naked Bongo Honey-Moon"? Guess what he can use as bongo drums is Jennifer Lopez agrees to do the sequel.

And that's it. Toodles.