Jessica Alba Muzzles Hayden Panettiere - Not as Sexy as I thought It Would Be

Alright already, sheesh Jessica Alba, I get that the election coming up is important, but this 3 minute fake infomercial about "The Muzzler 2008" is a little on the heavy handed side. I mean, I get satire and all, but how dare you make muzzling Hayden Panettiere anything but sexy. It almost turned me off voting all together. Actually, that's pretty much my only request for this election. Make it sexy. Get to work Jessica Alba.

Jessica Alba Gets Political

I'm not sure who Jessica Alba is trying to appeal to with this politically inclined advertisement. Is she trying to fight the Hannibal Lecter anti-cannibal masks Washington lobbyists? Or, is she trying to say that if we don't vote, we might as well get used to not eating people. I don't know. But as a new citizen of this country, I registered on the first day. So I'm voting this November 4th. That way, no one will be strapping that onto my face anytime soon. Thank you Jessica Alba. For raising our awareness. Now . . . where's that strip of human jerky I was munching on . . . .

Jessica Alba Develops

Jessica Alba is still pregnant. I had stopped paying attention to her because, truthfully, I'm not all that into pregnant chicks. I'm sure that'll change when my wife and I go through our own pregnancy, or it might change now. Looking at these pictures of Jessica Alba walking around with her preggo-boobs, I can see how there are advantages to the whole pregnant thing. Other than the eventual kid that'll pop-out of her. I even think her boobs might be pregnant as well. Who knows. Anything seems to be possible these days. In any case, aside from the large belly, Alba is looking pretty good lately. This one's for all the preggo-lovers out there. Enjoy.

Opening Weekend Movies - 2/01/2008

The Eye - Jessica Alba stars in this Asian film remake . . . which is exactly how the movie was when it was first made, but now, it's in English, and Jessica Alba is in it. So, if you've seen the movie already, the only thing you'll get out of this is not having to read subtitles. To some, that might be a plus, because let's face it . . . reading's for suckers. Let's go give some nerds wedgies!



Over Her Dead Body - So . . . this is what happens when television "stars" have nothing to do during a writer's strike. These piece of crap movies start coming out. I really do feel bad for Paul Rudd. Why is he in this movie? Making out scenes with Eva Longoria? That can only be good for a minute, then you see the gnome that hides under all that makeup after the scene and it has to turn your stomach. I know it would turn mine. And Jason Biggs is in this one as well. Is he in pretty much every other movie that's coming out? Whatever. Here's the trailer.



Strange Wilderness - Ok. I know this movie looks retarded. I know it's a Happy Madison production, so, in a way, it's meant to be retarded. But I don't care. I dig Happy Madison productions that are lacking in actual Adam Sandler appearances. And this has a ton of people in it that I think are funny. So . . . I'm actually wanting to see this. And yes, the shark laughing bit has been a little over-used in the marketing campaign, but fuck it. That's still not turning me off from this movie.

Box Office Report - Enchanting Holiday Medieval Awakening Assassins

Enchanted - I'm pretty sure that I am experiencing what some might describe as "deja vu". Wasn't this movie #1 last weekend as well? Nothing good opened this weekend? Is everyone pre-occupied with buying presents around this time of the year? I know I was, which is why I didn't catch anything on the big screen this weekend.

This Christmas - OK, the deja vu is getting worse. This was the 2nd movie in the top five last week as well right? So, whatever I said about this last week applies to this movie this week.

Beowulf - Was this the #3 movie last weekend as well. This is fucked up. Now I have nothing to say about this either. It's like Hollywood is playing a mean trick on me. Why do you toy with my emotions Hollywood!

Awake - Ah, finally, a movie that wasn't in the countdown last weekend. I was beginning to think that there would be nothing original in this entry whatsoever. Thank you Hayden Christiansen/Jessica Alba movie about people not being put under anesthesia properly. Who cares if you're good or not, you've breathed fresh air into this post.

Hitman - I would want to watch this if I had played all of the "Hitman" games on one of the various gaming consoles it was released on. But . . . I didn't, and apart from liking Timothy Olyphant as an actor, not just because he has a cool name, there's really not much that interests me at all. I heard about the Russian super-hotty that spends most of the movie in different stages of undress, but that's what I have Showtime cable channels for. So, I might buy this on DVD if I'm feeling like getting something that requires no mental activity whatsoever.

Box Office Report - Resident Ka-Ching!

Resident Evil: Extinction - Taking the top spot this weekend, with $24 million, I did not think this movie would do as well as it did. I was expecting a modest box office take in the $10 million range, but it has surpassed my expectations. Which means, maybe when I go check it out in a couple of days, it will not disappoint my thirst for zombies and chicks engaging in acrobatic martial arts.

Good Luck Chuck - I was expecting this turd of a movie to make it to the top of the box office charts, but I guess America just isn't that into Dane Cook. It still raked in $14 million, but I'm thinking it was just people paying $10 to see Jessica Alba's dress ripped off to reveal some cute penguin undies. But they had shown that already in the commercials for this movie . . . so considered yourself suckered.

The Brave One - Jodie Foster's revenge gun porn movie is still hanging in there. It drops to #3 after being the top dog last week. And, it still does not garner any of my interest or attention. Maybe if they had Jessica Alba in penguin undies going on a vigilante streak it would piqued my interest . . . but as it is, I might catch it on cable.

3:10 to Yuma - This western I am actually interested in seeing, but I might just wait until the DVD release. Not because it looks bad, but rather because I am feeling specially lazy lately and I don't want to have to pay for this just now. It's doing pretty well without my patronage, so I'll leave it at that.

Eastern Promises - The commercials for this movie make it seem like a bore. Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortenson just don't have much of an on-screen chemistry going. But, on the flip-side (I can't believe I just used that term), it is directed by David Cronenberg, and his films are always crazy. Just recently he directed the commercially-successful movie "A History of Violence", which also starred Viggo. This one might be great as well. While not waiting for the DVD on this one, I might check it out at the discount theater in a month or two.

Opening Weekend Movies - 9/21/07

Good Luck Chuck - You might be a little confused with the marketing for this movie. When I first saw a trailer for this a few months ago, it was all about Dane Cook and every woman he sleeps with finding their true loves after he slept with them. Which causes problems for him when he falls for Jessica Alba. More recently, the marketing for this switched to Dane Cook falling for Jessica Alba, and the only problem is that Jessica Alba's character is really accident prone. And now . . . they're marketing it both ways. At the same time. So, wether or not it is confusing as all shit, you still should not go watch this. It looks like a turd of a movie.

Resident Evil: Extinction - The "Resident Evil" movies have been a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. They have zombies, and they're based on a video game, but they're not all that great. Definitely not Romero-worthy, but . . . it's still zombies. So, I'll probably go check it out sometime in the near future and then buy the DVD. I don't know why. It is just bound to happen. I have the first two, so I might as well get it . . . right?

Sydney White - Amanda Bynes remakes "Snow White" . . . set in a college sorority, and hilarity ensues? Maybe not. Amanda Bynes movies are for the tween-crowd, which I think I passed up during my early developmental years. I don't also watch the Disney Channel every single day. That, and I'm not a girl, so therefore I am genetically predisposed to not be interested in this movie whatsoever.

Jessica Alba . . . Perfect?

While I can agree that Jessica Alba is one good looking broad, I'd hardly agree that she is the epitome of womanhood. Yes, she is sexy. Yes, she has a nice body, but something within the equations that these Cambridge mathematicians is not adding up (hehe, did you get that subtle math humor?).

The academics found that it is the ratio between hips and waist that puts the sway into a woman's walk - and the nearer that ratio is to 0.7, the better. This ratio provides the body with the right torso strength to produce a more angular swing and bounce to the hips during the walking motion. Therefore, a woman with a 25in waist and 36in hips would have just the right proportions to carry off a sexy swagger as she walks. The Jessica Alba sashay beat off competition from Kate Moss, Angelina Jolie and even Marilyn Monroe, whose walk along a railway platform in Some Like It Hot is one of the most famous in film history.While Monroe was a fraction off the target ratio with 0.69, the Cambridge team said that Alba had the perfect proportions.

Oh, and just for the hell of it, there's a picture of a Jessica Alba wardrobe malfunction. Why not, right?

EDIT: The nipple is back. Photobucket.com pulled it down earlier today. Just what do they have against nipples?! Are they anti-hot-boobs? That's just ludicrous.

Ends of a Spectrum - Alba vs Fergie

Thursday should be renamed "Panty-day", because that's all that's going on today at BAFW. Not that I'm complaining, too much, but a nice panty flash can do wonders for your morning. Take Jessica Alba for example. There she is, looking pretty hot despite her recent weight-loss. That dress looks like it could cause some problems if viewed from a different angle . . . or if a slight breeze were to come over and blow it away. It's pretty flimsy. Since we don't have the benefit of creating breezes here at BAFW (not yet, but I'm working on it), we do have different pictures of different angles that do show that the dress she is wearing is . . . totally see through.


Now, I know that you were probably waiting to see a picture of her not wearing anything under that dress, but she's no Paris Hilton. The tighty-whities she's wearing are not that sexy when it comes to underwear, but it still is a totally unplanned and therefore voyeuristic experience that you can (and I'm sure you will) spend some time looking at, if not doing other things to yourself. Seriously. God's watching. Here's a shot from behind, that shows the behind.


So, as far as spectrums go, a Jessica Alba panty-flash is as far as you can go when it comes to "good". What could I show you that would be bad? Well, in case you didn't read the title to this blog-post . . . that would be a Fergie panty-flash.

These come courtesy of some movie she's shooting, or whatever. I'm sure the papparazi have not taken up residence in her home, but I do know she tries really hard to be "sexy". Just comes off as post-op trans-sexual to me. I mean, look at that face. I have no idea how her boyfriend, Josh Duhamel, puts his penis in that every time they have sex. It's just unreal. I mean, sure, Fergie has a decent body, but she's the epitomy of "Butterface". You could, of course, cut her head off and that would improve her looks by 100%, but it would not last. Decomposition and rigor mortis always screws things up in the end. And what's up with those panties anyway? What she needs is some "Face/Off" style face transplant surgery, stat! I don't care who's face you put on her. John Travolta or Nick Cage. Anything would be an improvement.

Fantasti-whip

I'm not a big fan of the first "Fantastic Four" movie. I thought it was crap. Sure, it was better than "Daredevil" and "Punisher" combined, but is that something you really want to be proud of? So, as I look at this picture from the upcoming "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" movie showing the Fantasticar, I can't help but feel just a little bit of the "who cares". I mean, sure, it looks cool . . . and seats three apparently. Poor Ben Grimm. Looks like he's going to have to walk to the fight scenes. But, no matter how cool this thing looks, it's most likely going to end up surrounded by so much crap, bad acting, and a story that makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever, that it's not going to justify the price of the ticket. And don't tell me that Jessica Alba is worth the price. Look at her costume. Sure, it's skin tight, but also covers up 90% of her body.