In Theaters - 6/30/06

Wide Releases

Superman Returns - I have not been a fan of many DC comic adaptations on the big screen. I think the "Batman & Robin" movie from the late nineties left a bad taste in my cinematic palate. I couldn't believe that a movie studio could gay up a franchise that bad. This all started to change around the time "Batman Begins" was released last year. Now, my opinion of Warner Brothers (who own DC Comics via the AOL Time Warner publishing empire) is improving. This movie looks fantastic, and from what I've read online ranges from above average to amazing. So, that gives me hope that when I go spend 20 bucks on this sometime this weekend, I won't come out of the theater disappointed.

The Devil Wears Prada - The other movie opening this weekend will not take a whole lot of business from the comic book juggernaut that started raping the box office this past Wednesday. This movie could not take top spot if Anne Hathaway spent the whole movie walking around buck-nekked, with an open invitation to fuck her if you saw her movie. It does also star a ghastly mutant that goes by the name of Meryll Streep. She's kind of scary, but not as dangerous as Lex Luthor.

Limited Releases - (Indie movies you will never watch. Synopsi provided by Yahoo! Movies . . . wether they know it or not)

The Motel - A young boy who lives in the motel his parents own learns life lessons from a self-destructive man who has checked in.

Rank - A documentary about the three highest ranked riders competing for the title of Professional Bull Riding World Champion.

Strangers With Candy - Jerri Blank (Amy Sedaris), a middle-aged former runaway and junkie, goes back to high school. With Stephen Colbert.

Who Killed The Electric Car - A documentary investigation into the sudden recall and disposal of a model of efficient, electric-powered autos.

Nipple-Topia - Courtney Cox-Arquette

Yeah, I know Courtney Cox-Arquette is a little past her prime. This might have been more interesting a few years ago, when she was still doing "Friends". But back then she was so friggin' skinny. Those cans of hers recently erupted. That's one of the side-effects of having children. Another one of the side-effects is having your bikini top ripped off by them. Coco (wtf?) Cox-Arquette is my new hero. I think Coco is a little girl, but I can't tell really. It's one of those unisex looking infants. Regardless, thank you Coco. Now, hop off your mommy and get to work on Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannsen.

Charming Customer

This is a little e-mail exchange between myself and a customer of ours. I'm coming into it a little late. Previous techs have been trying to get more information on this guy, but he keeps regurgitating the same wrong information expecting us to miraculously find it. It does not surprise me at all that this customer is from the Lone Star State . . . which should have the sub-heading "must have a lone brain cell to inhabit". Fucking Texans.

Good Morning:

This has got to be one of the most incompetent companies I have ever come across.

Everything you have just asked for AGAIN, is in the email thread below, to include my activation code and username - you do not even read your email.

I bought this off Panda Web site. Do you think Texas is anywhere but the United States?

Your company is unbelievable - I can not believe my friends recommended you to me - nor can I believe you have been in business for any period of time.

Read the email thread - I am the customer - I am not going to keep repeating the info because your too lazy to read it the first time.

Sincerely,

Douchebag McSacksucker Sr.

So maybe I took a little creative license with his name. I am, after all, trying to protect his identity.

Dear Customer,

The reason the previous techs keep asking you the same question(s) over and over again is because you do not provide us with any information that we can use to find your account.

>> Username: *he enters his e-mail address here
>> Password is your Subscription ID: *enters a random number here

The information you provided are not valid user name and passwords for Xxxxx. These are automatically generated. The user name alone will always be a randomly generated alpha-numeric (combination of numbers and letters) sequence. If you can find this information, you will be able to log in to your Panda program, and the problem will most likely be resolved.

I thought that would take care of it. I terribly underestimated the power of ignorance though. Please, check the next e-mail from him.

Dear Mr/Ms Me:

Your arrogance in dealing with a customer is outrageous.

You have the audacity to come back to me in a condescending tone when it is your company that has given me the below username and password, not vice versa. It is my money paying you for a service, and you lost my data, in your system and are now asking me for information that I have given you several times, and the same information that your still asking for, when it is throughout the email thread below.

Instead of assisting me with the problem, your asking me to find my username, when I already know my username as generated from your email and assigned to me by your company and again can be found in the extract I copied from your email and inserted in the thread below. I am sending you that email separately.

In summation I might add the title End User Tech support is appropriate as their is NO Support at Panda.

Sincerely,


Douchebag McSacksucker Sr.

Now, I might have been a little on the abrasive side with my last e-mail, but I don't think I was condecending. Here's my response.

Dear Customer,

The tone was not meant to be condescending in any way. You are asking Tech Support to find your information but none of the information that you issued to us matches anything in our database (Name, e-mail address, telephone numbers). It is a pretty hard task for our dept (which handles technical issues . . . not account issues) to go on what you send us and try to help. Your account is most likely not lost, but there is a miscommunication going on here that can’t be faulted 100% on us. Please contact Customer Service between the hours of 8:30 am and 5:30 pm PST, Monday – Friday at telephone number xxx-xxx-xxxx. This dept will help you with this account issue, and find your user name and password.

I hope he calls so he can stop friggin bothering me with his e-mails. I don't care much for Customer Service, which is why I sent Douchey their telephone number. They can have a gay old time going back and forth, on the telephone, how the company is inadequate in dealing with whatever is bothering him. I'm done with douchey.

EPC Doctor

I have a cubicle-neighbor that is constantly bugging me (as of yesterday, which is constant enough) to try to pimp his site ePCdoctor.com. Yeah, I know one day of nagging is nothing epic, but you don't sit next to this guy. He is persistent. But, his website is full of information and helpful tips, etc. So, check it out at the link above. You're bound to learn something. And no, you can't turn off the little speech at the beginning, and yes, it is creepy.

Spider-Man 3 is Such a Teaser Trailer

Goddamn it. We have to wait 11 months to see the third Spider-Man movie. Why!! I want it now. Who cares about Ghost Rider. Come on Marvel, I'm sure you can finish this in time for the holiday season. Screw Memorial Day. That's a holiday for suckers and pussies. You want to release this movie between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Anyway, you can check out the trailer here, in Quicktime, so all of you WMV users can go fuck yourselves. Get with the damn times and download a free copy of Quicktime already. You know Apple "pwns joo" when it comes to video compression.

Britney Spears - Baby Bumpin' Pictures

I used to like Britney Spears. A lot. Not so much in recent years though. Ever since she hooked with that piece of Fresno trailer trash wannabe rapper . . . her image has taken a dive. Wether it's putting a million lbs due to multiple pregnancies and going on a steady diet of twinkies and ho-ho's, or an explosion of acne that rivaled my epic battle with zits back when I was 13, or it's most likely her atrocious sense of "fashion" that would make any gay guy say "oh no she didn't". Despite looking passable from the neck up in these pictures (thanks to hours and hours spent on Adobe Photoshop I'm sure), nobody wants to see Britney Spears preggo pictures. Sure, pregnancy is a beautiful process, but nobody wants to see an object of spank-fantasy with a child growing inside them. Try to tell that to Harper's Bazaar magazine though. Someone working in that organization must love visiting preggo-sex websites if they wanted to make this their cover story. One more picture of Britney, who apparently ATE the bear that previously inhabited that bear-skin coat. If (stress on IF) you want to see more of these types of pictures, then check out Egotastic.

Conversations With The Sal - All up in IT

The Sal says: dude have u ever seen shakira shake her ass
Jaime says: yeah
Jaime says: that's all she knows how to do
The Sal says: so what, id put my face all up in it
Jaime says: yeah, you would
Jaime says: even if she had beans the night before
The Sal says: ok dont ruin it for me plz
Jaime says: ass-blast to the face. she'll be screaming "Shoot him in the face!"
The Sal says: no thx
The Sal says: why u ruin everything man
The Sal says: such a beautiful thought has been ruined
Jaime says: ruin? pfft . . . come on man
The Sal says: hahahha
Jaime says: all women fart
The Sal says: i know
The Sal says: hello
The Sal says: nevermind
Jaime says: i bet you she can't control the flow when she's shaking her ass'ets
The Sal says: im delerious
Jaime says: the crew shooting the music video all have clothes pins on their noses
Jaime says: "she's hot and all, but she stinks"
Jaime says:i'm just saying
The Sal says: i dont care about her music, im merely saying she's hot
Jaime says: and i'm saying she probably has some hot SBD's that she can't control from escaping
The Sal says: lol
Jaime says: jerk-face
The Sal says: ur obsessed w/the ass
The Sal says: and everything that comes out of it
Jaime says: you are the one that wanted to shove your face in it
The Sal says: shove face in something else
The Sal says: not a chix ass
Jaime says: Quoting The Sal - "so what, id put my face all up in it"
Jaime says: you said that
The Sal says: u know what i meant
The Sal says: and it wasnt ass
The Sal says: nvrmd
Jaime says: when we were talking about Shakira knowing how to shake her ass
Jaime says: no . . . you were talking about ass, and how you want to shove your face in hers
Jaime says: it was pretty clear
The Sal says: no sorry
Jaime says: i'm posting this up. let's see what the people say

Animals Vs Mazda

I had just driven out of my driveway this morning. I was headed to work, just like every other 5:30 AM for the past few months. Headlights were on, I was fully awake and then, out of nowhere, a fucking black cat darts in front of my car. I did not have time to swerve out of the way or break, and if you've ever seen the street I live in, there's not much space to swerve anyway.

I hear a "thump thump" and I know I've run over this cat. I'm not feeling much remorse though. I'm not a cat person. If that had been a dog, I would have gotten out of the car to check on the dog . . . and of course, any damage to my car. But, I kept driving and muttered a "too bad" while I shrugged my shoulders.

I looked in the rear-view mirror and to my surprise, I saw the black cat running around like if nothing had happened to it. Those fucking felines do have 9 lives. So, my lack of remorse and guilt at running over the cat were justified at that moment. I'm pretty sure the cat is greatful that I don't drive one of those hulking SUV's that are so popular but also killing our planet at the same time. If that had been the case, that pussy would have gotten pancaked on the concrete.

This event does remind me of another time, a few months ago, during the first days of Spring. Again, driving down the street, with my wife. I don't remember where we were headed off to. It's really inconsequential. What I do remember is seeing two little birds, chasing each other. One was probably trying to mate with the other. Unfortunately for them, one of the birds decided to fly low. Like . . . tire-level low. And to make things worse, the birds decided to fly low right when my car was passing through. So, I see these birds fly directly under my tires as I am driving past. I didn't hear a crunch or a thump, or any other onomotopoeia that would re-affirm the fact that I had just ended the lives of two love-birds . . . but I didn't see them fly away safely in my rear-view mirror.

So, I'm starting to think that my car has a sort of bloodlust for small animals. Maybe I should name it "Christine".

Nipple-Topia - Knightly See-Through

I love the obliviousness of stars sometimes. When you jump into the ocean, and you're wearing a somewhat sheer white tank top, what do you think will happen Ms. Keira Knightly? Oh yes, the water will render your flimsy piece of clothing see-through, and it will stiffen the members of many an internet shut-in. I know she doesn't have the best of racks. I mean, it's barely there. I think they used a belt to cover her boobs in that horrible "King Arthur" movie that came out a couple of years ago. But, she is still pretty cute, and getting to see her nipple-age is not an easy feat, unless you're her euro-trash boyfriend. Which I'm not. So, for the rest of us common folks, here is another picture.
A scene from Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Wenches Gone Wild

The Kid and I

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty temperate guy. Not much gets to me. I keep a cool and calm head during times of crisis and stress. But, I think I have met my arch-nemesis. Who is this person that turns my life upside down and inexplicably creates unbalance in my life? Well, my 8 year old nephew.

It's not all bad all the time though. I like the kid. There are times when he and I can sit around and play videogames and it'll be perfectly OK, but about 90% of the time . . . he's doing something that I find completely annoying. And to top it off, he's spending some time in Los Angeles for the next couple of days. We just got over a visit from family last week, so the peace and quiet that I was expecting this past weekend was shattered by this kid's presence.

So, what happens when I'm around him? I suddenly become eight years old myself and start verbally sparring with him. The only drawback is that my wife, super-nurturer that she is, defends the kid like a mother lion defending her cub from her jackal-husband. "He's only a kid!" she tells me, in elevated vocal tones. I know he's just a kid, but I also know that he knows that most of the time, he can get away with shit because of the "he's just a kid" defence. He's not stupid. He knows. I can almost admire the way he is able to manipulate things in his favor. So I end up being the bad guy, and the kid sits there, smiling like the cute cherub of youth that he is. His innocent facade foils most, but I can see right through it.

So yes, he is my krytonite. I'm pretty sure he is capable of behaving when his parents are around, specially his father. But when he's up visiting, all of that goes out the window and he basically acts like a mini-caveman. And I end up knee deep in shit because my wife gets mad when I verbally defend myself from a barrage of childlike insults. Here's some typical back and forth between the two of us.

Nephew - "Shut up Jaime, I'm like almost taller than you. Stupid."
Me - "Dude, I suggest you look up the word 'almost' in the dictionary before you go around using it all willy-nilly like that".

Nephew - "Whatever, why can't your dog shut up and be quiet"
Me - "I'd ask you the same question"

Nephew - "Your mamma so fat (insert cliched joke here)"
Me - "Did you just call my mamma fat? The same my mamma who lets you use her pool? I wonder what she'd think if she knew that. Let me call her and ask"
Nephew - "Noooo!!!"

It might not be the best way to deal with a child, but I can't help but lash out in self-defence if someone comes into my environment and disturbs the balance. No kid is walking into my house and rude'ing it up just because he comes off as cute when he's doing it. Sorry. I like him, but the nephew dosages have to be at a minimum or else we'll be at each other's throats in no time.

Amendment - Everything seems to have been worked out with one of those "family talks". It was uncomfortable, but I'm glad this is on it's way to resolution. I really hope we can get along . . . the kid and I.

Weekend Gross Out - Box Office Numbers

I completely avoided cinemas this past weekend. Didn't even go watch a couple of indie flicks I've been meaning to see. Funds are tight, what can I say. I needs me another American Idol advertising boom so that I can go check out the movies more often. Anyway, it's no surprise that "Click" got top weekend box office dollars. Sandler's movies, while lacking in quality, sure do attract moviegoers like a magnet. I think we all still wish they were good movies like "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison". "Cars" keeps making decent cash, which totally baffles me when I see this movie pimping products like selling out was going out of style. I just saw a Hertz commercial with Lightning McQueen in it and I wanted to kill myself. Why Pixar?? WHY!!!

"Nacho Libre", a movie that was way funnier than it's one joke premise would have made you think, comes in at #3 with some decent cash. I think it has more than doubled production costs, so expect "Nacho Libre 2: Mas Mucha Lucha" sometime in the near future. "Waist Deep" opens at #4, which can't bode well for it's impending sequel, "Chest Deep" or the planned final film in it's trilogy "Neck Deep in Shit". Oh well, black man can't get a break in Hollywood. Speaking of minorities, "The Fast and the Furious: Tokio Drift" shows us that Asians love to slide around in their rice rockets. Maybe the reason it's not doing so great at the box office is because of that fact. The target audience for this movie is most likely busy doing just that . . . sliding around in their rice rockets.

"The Lake House"s magic mailbox delivers a #6 spot in the countdown. Love is, apparently not welcome these days at the box office as "The Break-Up" follows closely in 7th position. "Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties" ends this tri-fecta of romatic movies. And yes, I'm considering it a romantic movie because it makes me sick in the stomach whenever I think about it, much like most romantic movies.

The bottom two in the list, "X-Men: The Last Stand" and "The Da Vinci Code" have performed admirably at the box office . . . despite being some of the worst movies to come out this year. Both top the scales at $200+ million. I wish someone paid me that much to smear my turds on celluloid and call it a movie. *sigh* Numbers and $100+ million takes in glorious monochromatic bold in the list below.

1. Click - $40,000,000
2. Cars - $22,540,000 $155,923,000
3. Nacho Libre - $12,138,000
4. Waist Deep - $9,452,000
5. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - $9,211,000
6. The Lake House - $8,305,000
7. The Break-Up - $6,105,000 $103,743,000
8. Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties - $4,750,000
9. X-Men: The Last Stand - $4,400,000 $224,064,000
10.The Da Vinci Code - $4,000,000 $205,539,000

Starting the Week Right - Search Terms

There's no other way to start the week right around here than with a great little batch of Search Terms. You know you love them. Or at least, you love what you're looking for. Which should get you thrown in jail most of the time. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone so long as you patronize my advertisers. My capitalist spirit supercedes my morality and ethics. I love chasing da dolla'.

hairy beaver - BlogSearch
scarlett johanssen nipple slip - Google Search
cortana hentai - Google Search MX
mariah carey's workout - Yahoo Search
PHOTO AWARDS LOHAN PANTIES - Google Search
french gymnast pees - Google Search UK
lindsey lohan oops, nickelodeon - Google Search
msn boobs - BlogSearch
teen blogurl - BlogSearch
katherine mcphee panty video - Google Search
Jennifer Love Hewitt topless - BlogSearch
(gymnast naked oops) - Yahoo Search
incest photos - BlogSearch
natalie portman vendetta screencap - Google Search
hermione matronly breasts - Google Search
does emma watson drink? - Google Search
cross leg - BlogSearch
emma watson's nipples - Google Search
nude pix - BlogSearch
toni braxton upskirt soccer - Google Search
the fast and the furious tokio drift screencaps - Google Search MX
emma watson's butt - Google Search
paparazzi nude - BlogSearch
panty flashing - BlogSearch UK
"Evangeline Lilly" nipple slip - Google Search CA
christina aguilera - BlogSearch
kimberly stewart motorcycle crotch pictures - Google Search
panty pissing - BlogSearch CA
she's the man screencaps - Google Search CA
masturbation video - BlogSearch
paparazzi photos, dan radcliffe - Google Search
remittance department african development bank - Yahoo Search
Toni Braxton See Through Nipple - Google UK
Anna Farris feet - Google Search
mariah carey mtv nip slip - Google Search
anna farris bare butt - Google Search
aniston nip - BlogSearch
mystique hentai - BlogSearch
pete wentz exposed - Google Search CA
"forgot to wear panties" - Google Search
"pooped her pant" - Google Search
fallout boy music video screencaps - Google Search CA
camel toe pics - BlogSearch
EMMA WATSON FEET IMAGES - Google Search IE
amanda bynes oops jeans too low - Google Search
Kimberly stewart crashes motorcycle - Google Search
"Talladega Nights" - BlogSearch
rachel mcadams underwear - Google Search UK
portman schoolgirl v - Google Search CA
dan\emma videoclip - Google Search
skating wedgies - Google Search
upskirt Australia - BlogSearch
butt shots off emma watson - Google Search
emma watson in a bikini - Ewoss Search
actress dress malfunctions - Google Search
emma watson nude pics - Ewoss Search
Lindsay Lohan pictures slip fallout - Google Search
Emilie de Ravin nude - BlogSearch
Peter Wentz Photo incident - Comcast Search
Pete Wentz Nipple - Google Search
katherine mcphee in bra - Google Search
daniel radcliffe and emma watson in the fut bol world cup - Google Search MX
earthsea sexy - Google Search
bush daughters nipple slips - BlogSearch
blog panty cock - Yahoo Search
what is andy milinokis birthday - Google Search
nip slip olympics - Google Search
Evangeline Lilly bra size - Google Search
pictures of drunk - BlogSearch
french gymnast accident - Google Search
wardrobe malfunction photogallery - Google Search IN
anne hathaway bra size - Google Search
Princess Anne oops - AOL Search UK
superman returns - BlogSearch
EMMA Watson gets Drunk clips - Google Search
ice skating robot wmv - Google Search UK
scarlett johanssen oops - Google Search
maggie grace nipple slip - Google Search UK
"tokio drift" trailer mpg - Google Search
golden shower - BlogSearch
morgan webb leg - Google Search
disney screencaps - Google Search
Howard Stern, Jenny Mccarthy peed - Google Search
kimberly stewart motorcycle video - Google Search
Halo hentai Cortana - Google Search
JESSICA ALBA PICKIN A WEDGIES - Google Search
alexis bledel - BlogSearch
"butter scene" mpeg - Google Search
"daniel radcliffe's penis" - AltaVista Search
emma watson torrent pictures - Google Search UK
how much money does emma watson make - Google Search
marie antoinette trailer mpg - Google Search FR
Kristen Dunst nipple slip - BlogSearch
women's gymnastics crotch shots - Google Search
nip slip public - BlogSearch
ciera, hermaphrodite - Google Search
drunk girlfriends - BlogSearch UK
hard candy castration clips - Google Search UK
knightley wet - Google Search
shawn ashmore nude - BlogSearch
grandma sex - BlogSearch IT
rachel mcadams nude pictures - BlogSearch
pride of the x-men torrent - Google Search
does emma watson drink - Google Search
Cortana Sexy Fanfic - Google Search
tokio drift asians - Google Search CA
tara reid picking butt video - Google Search
preggo gallery - BlogSearch
tokio drift the making of movie - Google Search
katherine mcphee's butt - Bell South Websearch
sharon stone cross leg clip - Google Search UK

Citroen - More than Meets the Eye

There's a Transformers movie coming out next summer, and if it looks anything like these UK Citroen commercials, then we're in for a motherfuggin treat. My only question is . . . why is the car not doing "the robot"? I guess I'm not very familiar with the boogey-down antics of cybernetic transforming automobiles.

The ice-skating variant . . . women and cigarettes . . . err, I mean fags. It is, after all, a British commercial.

Subpar Opening Weekend

I'm anxiously awaiting next weekend. Hell, I've been waiting for Superman Returns for a heck of a long time, but it's so close I can taste it . . . but not in a gay way. I know there's a lot of rumors out there that Bryan Singer gayed up the Man of Steel, but I'm not buying it. Come on, this is the director that elevated the X-Men to cinematic heights previously not even dreamt of. I trust him. So, what will you be spending your 10 bucks on this weekend? If you're like me, then definately none of these movies. Let's review.

Wide Release

Click - Adam Sandler controls the universe with a . . . universal remote control he got from Bed, Bath & Beyond. The only thing I ever get from that store is boredom. Nothing but. And it is in high likelyhood that you will get nothing but boredom from watching this movie, unless you just got out of your ice-pick labotomy session. If that's the case, then you're going to love this movie and laugh 'til your eye pops out. Good times.

Waist Deep - Tyrese and a black chick try to get money to get his son back from a "gangsta". The twist is (I think) that he's just gotten out of jail for his 2nd strike . . . and if he gets caught up in anything illegal, his son will grow up in foster homes. So yes, this is the feel good romantic family comedy of the year. Or, maybe it's just another vehicle to release a rap song. I don't know. I'm quite uninterested in this. There doesn't seem to be any "faith" hand-bumping so I could care less what happens here.

Limited Releases - (As always, synopsi graciously stolen from Yahoo! Movies)

The Great New Wonderful - Five interconnected stories explore life in New York City after 9/11. With Maggie Gyllenhaal and Edie Falco.

The Hidden Blade - A low-ranking Samurai in 19th century Japan rescues a woman from a loveless marriage and is ordered to kill his friend.

Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man - A documentary about the life and career of singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen with live performances of his classics.

The Road to Guantanamo - A dramatized documentary about three British muslims who were wrongfully arrested and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay.

Say Uncle - After his godson moves away, a young artist goes to comical lengths to be an uncle-figure to local children.

Two Drifters - A heartbroken gay man and an unstable young woman band together to share in a dangerous fantasy life.

Wassup Rockers - Director Larry Clark looks at a group of teens from South Central L.A. who prefer skateboarding and punk to hip-hop culture. (Let me chime in on this one . . . this is by the same twisted fuck that brought us "Kids". So, you just know there will be some disturbing shit. I'm predicting that EVERYONE gets AIDS in this one)

Hump Day Hottie - Jennifer Connelly

I don't know what it is about Jennifer Connelly that I like. I know this though, after I told my wife I liked her, she absolutely hates her now. With a passion. It's not like I'm going to cheat on her with Jennifer Connelly . . . or even entertain thoughts of doing something like that. But, trying to rationalize with a woman is damn near impossible. So, I'm risking multiple punches to the arms by posting this entry . . . but that's the price for freedom of expression I guess. Think of me as a martyr for a cause that you didn't even know existed. Now . . . idolize me. Or Jennifer Connelly, whatever floats your boat.
Oh yeah, from time to time . . . she does "tasteful" nudity. She's an actress ok.

Emma Watson - Drunk and Made Up

Maybe there is a reason why the drinking laws in the United States are different than in the United Kingdom. Yup, that's Emma Watson, most searched underage female according to my search term post results. Sorry pervos, no boobies or feet pictures, just more continuing evidence that she is a little underage drunkard. And, it looks like she did her make up while intoxicated. Whore much Emma? Kids these days I tell you. I mean, don't get me wrong, I drank when I was 16. But, at least I had the common decency not try to get balls to the wall pretty while under the influence. I also never wore make-up because I am a man . . . Wait. What was the point that I was trying to make? Who cares, Hermione from the Harry Potter movies is a little drunk, and she likes to whore it up with her underage, teeny-bopper, British accent'ed hooker girlfriends. Hmmm . . . sounds like fun.
The chicken is funky because it went through a case of ale

Hollywood's Gross-Out Couple

It's not that Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are gross looking. They're both fairly normal looking. It's just that everything they do is an effort to make someone laugh while grossing them out at the same time. Wether it's Jenny peeing her pants on the Howard Stern show, or Jim talking out of his asshole, these two need opposites to balance them out. Unfortunately, they don't do well with opposites, and unlike same charged magnets, they're stuck on each other. I'm just bracing myself for the imminent ripple in the time space continuum that will be created when these two mate. Because they are not capable of love making. Nowhere in lovemaking is there space for a "rusty trombone" while you're giving your girl "blumpies" on the shitter. That's not love (but it would take some great acrobatic skills), that's just primal and disgusting fucking I tells you! Oh, and Jim, don't forget to space dock in her. For those not in the know, please visit Urbandictionary.com for full definitions of any terms you might not recognize. Some shots of them french kissing after this paragraph. Avert your eyes if you must.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotted and Dirty Tounge

Will Ferrel gets NASCAR'd

I think I'm almost in love with the new Will Ferrel Movie, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby". I mean, with a name like that, you're sure to be busting a comedic nut just like you were during "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy". Why? Well, it's pretty much the same team working on this one as the previous Will Ferrel movie. Check out the trailer here. Formula 1 Quicktime and jalopy Windows Media Player versions available.

Lost in Translation

I have to say, the tech specs and just the way the Playstation 3 looks far surpasses its previous incarnations . . . but, it still feels like a decidedly Japanese product to me. The Playstation designs have never appealed to me. Even though I was not born in the United States, I do have strong American sensibilities when it comes to the way things are designed. Taking a look at this machine and its peripherals, they're just not appealing to me. Not to mention the one glaring problem with the product as a whole.

Just the controller alone is a big letdown. I thought they were going to go for a the "Bat-arang" design. I really thought it might have been innovative . . . but no, they went with the old style, which is just too small for my beefy non-asian hands. But, I bet you can't see what this post is all about. Let's get a closer look.

SERECT!! *Groans* Oh Japan, why must you perpetuate stereotypes. Or "shourd" I say "steleotypes" so you can "undelstand" me. Just don't pee-pee in our cokes, and keep your "consores" to yourselves.

Cars Refuels at Box Office

Ok, sure, everyone loves Pixar and it's animated endeavours, but "Cars" is by far their weakest outing yet. It's just funny how much money they make with these movies though. No wonder Disney bought them for a cool 8 billion smackers. "Nacho Libre" opens at number 2 with a decent 20+ million opening weekend. I didn't expect much out of that. The other car movie this weekend opened up in the third spot, drifting past the "Lake House". No magic mailbox will get be delivering much more box office money than what they're getting now.

"The Break-Up" is hanging on, and most likely claiming to be "The Funniest Romatic Movie in America" despite coming in 5th. The only reason being is that there are no rom-coms before it. The 2nd (and inexplicable) Garfield movie opened in the 6th position, which hopefully means that Hollywood will be putting the fat cat to sleep soon. I don't think there needs to be a 3rd Garfield movie.

Marvel's mutants continue their downward slide, just like the content of the movie's plot suffered a downward slide in quality. It's still doing better than "The Omen" and its one hit wonder Tuesday opening. When you make a deal with Satan, you have to make sure you read the fine print. "The Da Vinci Code" has made enough money to buy itself a sequel, or prequel, or parallel . . . I don't know, you have to be retarded to understant Dan Brown's novels. Last week, "Over the Hedge" beat out "The Da Vinci Code" by $100,000 . . . this week is not the case. Maybe someone got a visit from a shadowy religious organization. Hmmm . . . Numbers listed below, for all you numerology loving mathematician freaks. 100+ million total box office takes in bold.

1. Cars - $31,181,000 $114,505,000
2. Nacho Libre - $27,513,000
3. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - $24,056,000
4. The Lake House - $13,665,000
5. The Break-Up - $9,502,000
6. Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties - $7,200,000
7. X-Men: The Last Stand - $7,150,000 $215,549,000
8. The Omen - $5,350,000
9. The Da Vinci Code - $5,000,000 $198,501,000
10.Over the Hedge - $4,046,000 $138,755,000

Monday Support

Today I am dragging my ass around the office, tired as hell, sore, and grumpy. This is why these e-mails from customers are lifting my spirits with their inane greatness. I'll just keep it short and get with the gems. Just a couple for now.

User name (Usuario): littleboyblew5 - i would like to know about registnation for this servicescan you help me i hope so and thinks for your time

First off, you can't pick your own user name and password. Second of all, why would you choose a user name that sounds like a pedophilic gay gangbang? Maybe this explains his obvious grammatic and spelling mistakes. A little splooge in the eye and this guy can't type right.

User name (Usuario): wayne_lear74 - find all hackers in the state of illinois

Another genius that thinks he can choose his own user name. Do you know why our company issues them? Less hackable. Alpha-numeric is the way to go. Speaking of hackers, this guy wants us to find all of the ones in his home state. Sure buddy, we'll get right on that. And then, we'll find a sustainable source of energy that is cheap and burns clean . . . but just for Illinois. We don't want to share it with the rest of the country. They are teh suck.

Open up a Can o'Search Terms

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Christina Aguilera - Anatomically Impossible

I dare you to click on that picture and tell me that there's nothing wrong with Christina Aguilera's leg. Come on, do it. Yeah, do you see that? It's friggin inverted. She's got some weird bird-leg-joint or maybe she's just an alien in disguise. A slutty alien. Kinda like the ones in that Charlie Sheen movie where he played a scientist. Haha, now that's science fiction! And why is she so bow-legged? Oh yeah, I just forgot that she's super slutty. That at least makes a little sense. That knee? Totally defies the laws of knee-physics. And you just don't go around defying those laws. They're sacred.

Veterinary Blues

My dog is looking extra depressed these days. If you've seen Basset Hounds, then you know they already look sad all the time, but the Squishster just has had a rough week. On Tuesday, Heather noticed that there was some blood in his urine. Naturally, this scared the beJeebus out of us and we rushed him to the vet. He got a full check up and immunizations, which he was overdue for anyway.

Then, they started examining him. The first part is, taking the temperature of the pooch. They don't go through the mouth at the vets office. Everything seems to be done via poop-chute. Yes, he got the rectal thermometer, and we had to hold him down as he looked around, confused and noticeably displeased. After that, the vet came around, took a look at his puppy-wanger, and then manually whipped out Squishy's magic marker. Then, she checked out his prostate. Yes, that's a "through the butthole" procedure as well. Poor dog. He did not enjoy that either.

They didn't find any blood on him then, but they took a urine sample and prescribed some anti-biotics, just in case it's a bladder infection. The next day, when I called to inquire about the test results, the vet asked me to bring the dog in for a 2nd visit. He thought maybe a foxtail had gotten stuck inside his penis sleeve . . . I don't know the medical term for that.

So, I took him back to the vet yesterday afternoon, and we waited around for 45 minutes to be seen. When we did, they checked out his penis, this time digging in all the way down to whatever is at the end of his puppy-penis-sheath. They didn't see or feel anything that should not be there, and (I think) just for shits and giggles, the vet checked Squishy's prostate again. She told me that it felt normal, as she pulled the shit-stained glove of off her hand.

That was good news. Now, all he has to do is go through the anti-biotic regimen, and he should be all good in a couple of days. I haven't noticed any more blood in his urine, although, I admittedly don't pay too much attention to his pee or penis. This whole thing did cose me close to $200. That was just the first visit. The vet was gracious enough not to charge me for the 2nd visit. They did mention x-rays, which would have run me an extra $100, but she didn't think it was absolutely necessary.

I tell you, sometimes it sucks being a dog. Sure, you get to sleep, eat and shit and maybe chase a ball around all day long. But when you get sick, everything is through the asshole. That's a type of healthcare procedure I don't care much for. I just hope I never get re-incarnated as a dog.

Opening This Weekend - Crap

Wide Releases - (The Whores of Cinema)

The Fast and the Furious: Tokio Drift - Did the world really need a third F&F movie? I mean, just look at the adverstising campaign they went with a couple of posts below this one. It totally ignores the movie and just throws hoochies on top of the cars featured on the movie. So, what is this about? Something about cars in Japan, and . . . um . . . racing? Oh, and apparently Tokio is drifting . . . where? Who knows.

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties - In more shocking sequel news, who greenlit a 2nd Garfield movie??! The first one was barely watchable. Actually, it was un-watchable. Yet I did, and I have carried the mental and emotional scars ever since. This movie takes Garfield to England . . . and I just hope he gets stuck there for ever and contracts the "Flesh Eating" virus disease.

The Lake House - Let me get this straight . . . A magic mailbox sends correspondance through time from Sandra Bullock to Keanu Reeves? They fall in love even though they are living 2 years apart? This didn't make test audiences break out into homicidal rages? Sandra Bullock is still making movies? Whoa.

Nacho Libre - I like Jack Black. I don't like Jack Black in movies. Sure, he was pretty cool in that record store movie with John Cusack, but that's 'cause he played a small part. Just look at Envy, or that Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit movie. Those were terrible! But, I have actually already seen Nacho Libre, and it is pretty much the first movie in a long time that I liked despite Jack Black's leading man role. So, this is what I recommend this weekend. Unless you're a rice-rocket loving, pussy stroking, magic mailbox believing douche-bag. Then you have many choices.

Limited Releases - (Synopsi pilferred from Yahoo! Movies)

Loverboy - An unsound mother (Kyra Sedgwick) shelters her only child from the outside world. Directed by Kevin Bacon.

The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green - A 26 year-old professional 'assistant' looking for love in all the wrong places. Based on the underground comic strip.

Only Human - A young Jewish woman brings her fiancé home to meet her idiosyncratic family who is unaware that he's Palestinian.

Wordplay - A documentary about puzzle guru Will Shortz and the culture of crossword fanatics. Featuring Bill Clinton and Jon Stewart.

Rainbow Six hits the Jackpot

It will do you a great service to check out the video for Rainbow Six Las Vegas that's posted up at this page found on GamesRadar.com. I don't think I need to say much more. The narrator does it for you. Try not to drool too much on your keyboards by the way. I almost shorted out mine.

Jackass Makes a Number Two

Oh my God (in case you're wondering what that means, let me put it in terms you will understand - OMG), they've gone and made another one. Jackass Number Two sets to attack movie audiences with furious fits of laughter interspersed with scenes that will make you flinch, give you a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach and get you to scream "oh no, oh no, no no no no, don't put that in your eye!". Get ready America, this movie will rock your ass. Check out the trailer here, both in Quicktime and Windows Media Player.

Everyone Wants a Piece of Simpson

It seems that everyone in Hollywood wants a piece of the now divorced (or is still in progress, who cares) Jessica Simpson. I've read a couple of reports lately. The first one involves Zach Braff, who just recently broke up with Mandy Moore. He was spotted over at a club called Hyde on the 8th of June consuming copious amounts of alcohol and trying to "get with" Simpson. The next incident involves Jared Leto (who is not gay as a goat . . . don't believe everything you see on AOL) who met up with Jessica at Hyde (I'm starting to see a trend here) on the 2nd of June and managed to get her number. A few days later, they met up at Double Seven, and most likely spent the night banging away. Jessica probably thought they were playing Doctor or something, since Leto probably told her to open wide for his meat thermometer.

So, why is everyone trying to fuck Jessica Simpson? Maybe because she's so dumb that you can tell her that you're part of the FBI, which stands for Female Body Inspectors.

Any man - "It's a government thing Ms. Simpson. We need to inspect your body, including all cavities".
Jessica Simpson - "Well, gee gosh willikers Mr. FBI, do what you gotta do."

It must be that easy.

World Cup of Nipple-Slips

Ok, well, it seems that Toni Braxton's popularity around the world is a little more palpable than around the BAFW household . . . but I think this might be why. This nipple-slip, combined with the upskirt I posted earlier this week all happened within the same event at this year's World Cup event, which is why if flew way under my radar. I don't care about soccer, or how they call it around the world . . . "futbol". Come to think about it, I don't care much about sports. Well, I do have The World Championship of Rock Paper Scissors TiVo'd and waiting for me to watch it . . . but that sport is badass. Anyone can run around a field for 90 minutes trying to kick a ball. RPS, that takes skill. Maybe Toni Braxton should perform at that, boost up her American fan base. I bet you she'd have a little "accident" there as well.

Hump Day Advertising Blitz - F&F3

Today's Hump Day Hotties post was going to be a spotlight on a certain actress that my wife hates, and would have probably punched me in the arm for posting, but then I saw the marketing campaign for "The Fast & The Furious: Tokio Drift", and I can't help but think that the ad agency is staffed by geniuses. Not because they chose to work on a film that is artful . . . but because they chose to shift the focus from spot-lighting the shit that will be flung at the unfortunate movie-go'ers and instead, took a bunch of pictures of import car models (aka - Hoochies) and even got some pictures that you can see some nipple'age through. So, it doesn't really matter if you go watch this or not, I think the masses win after seeing these pictures. Not all of the models are my taste of "hot", but they are better than all three F&F movies, combined.

You are the Wind beneath My Upskirt

Toni Braxton still sings? What the hell. I thought she was dead or something. Oh well, shows you how much I watch the now defunct UPN . . . or BET. Not that I have anything about black programming. It's just that I don't fit their demographic. You know, the black demographic. But anyway, this is the kind of thing that appeals to all perverts of all races. Sure, Toni Braxton has seen MUCH better days . . . but at least there's panty in these pictures. Just where is she performing though? And who are those vaguely European looking fellows? I think she's in a cruise ship, doing the matinee geriatric shuffle. How else could you explain the breeze that lifted that large handkerchief she was using as a dress. This should teach her a lesson. Next time she's working the cruise-ship circuit, super-glue your dress on. Sure, it's going to be hard to take off later, but you avoid the embarrassing postings about your underpants on Blogs Are For Wusses.

Hope it wasn't a warm breeze that lifted the dress

Lohan Loves Borderline Boys?

Lindsey Lohan was pictured with this young . . . err . . . man, I think . . . um, in New York City. Could it be a new "boy"friend? Maybe she's trying to shake that cocaine-snorting slut image she's worked on for the past couple of years and now settling for a more refined, and Liza Minelli-esque persona. You know, the kind of woman that hangs out or marries extremely effiminate men in an effort to quelch the rumors that no one could ever love them. So, good on you Lindsey Lohan. Hang out with your effiminate queer boy. I'm sure the test tube babies will look gorgeous.

Cars Drives Away With the Box Office

This weekend was a pretty big one for Pixar, whose new CG animated cartoon brought in close to 63 million dollars, and felt like it lasted about 63 million minutes. Boy was that movie long, and much like a car drive through the desert, boring as all hell. Sure, it was pretty, but dull. "The Break Up" comes in at #2 with more money than it should be making. Which just goes to show you, you can't keep a woman with a man-face down. And Vince Vaughn will screw anything. "X-Men: The Last Stand" has just crossed the $200 million mark for it's over all take at the box office, and Marvel must be very proud of it's over-achieving retard of a movie. That movie was dumb. Just like that last sentence.

Satan's little bastard didn't scare up as much dough as the producers of "The Omen" might have expected, despite having the largest Tuesday opening ever. Which, really means nothing to me. "Over the Hedge", the other kids film that parents took their kids to when they could not get tickets to "Cars". It also beat out "The Da Vinci Code", by only $1000 dollars, which means the Opus Dei will be hunting down Dreamworks Animation. Hopefully, this will kill any more Shrek sequels.

"A Prairie Home Companion" opened up this weekend with a disappointing 4 1/2 million dollar take, which means Lindsey Lohan won't be able to buy herself a whole lot of nose-powdering substances. "Mission: Impossible III" is coming to the end of it's run in the top ten, and it will stop making money for L. Ron Hubbard pretty soon. RV's deal with the devil seems to be expiring, so my confusion with why it's even in this list will most likely end next week. The list is capped off, or bottomed off . . . I can't decide what term is suitable, with Poseidon. It's most likely everyone with an interest in this has already seen the movie. For those who are waiting for it on video . . . the main guy dies. Oooh! Spoiled it for ya, suckers!. The cold hard cash listed below.

1. Cars - $62,800,000
2. The Break-Up - $20,495,000
3. X-Men: The Last Stand - $15,550,000
4. The Omen - $15,450,000
5. Over the Hedge - $10,301,000
6. The Da Vinci Code - $10,300,000
7. A Prairie Home Companion - $4,671,000
8. Mission: Impossible III - $3,039,000
9. RV - $2,000,000
10.Poseidon - $1,840,000

Paris Hilton is a Criminal

You can clearly see Paris Hilton in this movie (yeah, no night-vision weirdness) backing into a parked car with her Range Rover, and then driving off without even leaving a note behind. That just happens to be a misdemeanor and is punishable by up to 6 months in jail (or 5 hours if you are Michelle Rodriguez). I don't even have to mention that she was not wearing her seatbelt, which is another infraction. Where are cops when you need them. Instead of busting down crack-houses and fighting the war on doughnuts, they should be tailing Paris (and all other annoying celebrities) and jumping out of bushes like on that "To Catch a Predator" show, in full swamp monster camo-gear, and catch these assholes in the act of shitting all over the American population. It's the right thing to do. At least task that crime dog cartoon. Come on, something!

Update on Perversion - Search Terms

Another week, another search terms post. I tried to shy away from the Katharine McPhee onslaught of previous entries and was looking out for the classics . . . like those Harry Potter kids in terrible and unspeakable acts, nipples, and my hate for Brett Ratner. There's a little bit of everything in this post, so peruse and feel free to be amused by what your internet peers are searching for on the internet. Seriously, make it a point to tell them that you know what they were looking for and you are appalled.

tara reid - BlogSearch
water chuyia fanfiction - Google Search
anna farris, semen - Google Search
panty slips - BlogSearch
Katharine McPhee "see through" - Google Search
"morgan webb nip" - Google Search
daniel radcliffe - BlogSearch
"turrets guy.com - Google Search
love macbook pro - Google Search
Keira Knightley nipple wet pirates of the caribbean - Google Search
"picking her wedgie - Google Search CA
"anal" - BlogSearch
my ad revenue - BlogSearch
evangeline leno chug - Google Search
jake gyllenhaal - BlogSearch
I hate Brett Ratner - Google Search NL
anne hathaway Havoc mpg - Google Search CA
Morgan Webb - BlogSearch
veoh view masturbating - Google Search
pissing video blog - BlogSearch
Natalie Portman V for Vendetta upskirt screencaps - Google Search
fanfiction fallout paul pete wentz - Google Search UK
sexy photos - BlogSearch
jodie foster nude - IceRocket Search
jennifer anniston breasts - BlogSearch
shizuka nipslip - @nifty Search
Robotussin Demo by Mc Chris - Google Search
yellow panties - BlogSearch
Gymnast nude - BlogSearch
x men last stand last scene wmv - Google Search
halo cortana hentai - Google Search
katherine juggs mcphee - Google Search
sexy msn adver - Google Search NL
"emma watson hentai" - Google Search
what is johnny depp's religion - Google Search
jennifer love hewitt nipple slip.com - Google Search
betty "bettie page" +video +mpg +quicktime - Google Search
"bullfighters wear tights" - Google Search TR
justice mp3 - BlogSearch
"pictures of kathy hilton" - Google Search DE
lesbian blogs - BlogSearch
howard stern nude video - BlogSearch
"grandma's boy" screencaps - Yahoo Search
anne hathaway havoc couch nipple - Google Search
"hard candy" - BlogSearch
"Sarah Silverman Programme" - Google Search
40 year old virgin unrated screencaps - Google Search
snorgtees rip off - Google Search
george bush and daughter, oops nipple slip - Google Search
keira knightley pride and precious premiere nipple - Google Search
keira knightly nipple peek - Google Search
"evangeline lilly nipple" - Google Search
Emilie De Ravin nipple slip - Google Search UK
morgan webb toes - Google Search
mariah carey show panty mtv - Google Search PH
mariah carrey not wearing panties - Google Search
morgan webb's bra size - Netscape Search
xxxxx's limewire tunes - Google Search IT
quicktime sex clips - BlogSearch
angelina jolie - BlogSearch
fight night round 3 button config - Google Search CA
accidental tv pics - BlogSearch
free nacho libre screening la - Google Search
catherine mcphee no-makeup - Google Search
Ashanti; thunder thighs - Google Search
lindsay lohan msn address - Google Search NO
"shawn ashmore"+"small penis" - Yahoo Search
hot blogs - BlogSearch
paul walker running scared screencaps - Google Search UK
Kristen Bell - BlogSearch
greek girls sexy nude - BlogSearch
kate moss paparazzi - Google Search AU
"morgan webb's butt" - Google Search
"emma watson's butt" - Google Search
"Emilie de Ravin nude" blog - Google Search BR
did pro. xavier really died in xmen 3 - Google Search
Hard Candy - castration scene - Google Search UK
anne hathaway sex - BlogSearch
Peter Wentz naked pictures - Yahoo Search
douche - BlogSearch
maggie my pink dress - BlogSearch
when is sharon stones birthday - Ask.Com Search
butt boy photo OR picture - BlogSearch
keira knightley pics - BlogSearch
kelly clarkson - BlogSearch
incest blog - BlogSearch
anne hathaway see through shirt - Google Search
mission impossible upskirt maggie - Google Search CL
princess anne upskirt - Google Search
incest - BlogSearch
swimmers nipple slip - Yahoo Search
hot guys clips - BlogSearch
Naked Souls +Pamela +Anderson +screencaps - Google Search NL
xmen3 jean grey clips - Google Search
Homer Illyad - Google Search
mariah carrey drawn on abs - Google Search
kittie pride x men - Yahoo Search
peed her pants - BlogSearch
"dark tower" "jae lee" message board - Google Search
natalie portman pubic hair garden state - Google Search
pink panther columbia pictures "how to copy" - Google Search
Jake Gyllenhaal nude - BlogSearch
cooter hairy - Google Search
watch clip of Jenny McCarthy getting a wedgie from Pamela Anderson in Scary Movie 3 - Google Search
ashmore+"small penis" - Google Search
Lindsay Lohan @ Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards Oops Upskirt Booty Flash - Google Search

More than Meets the Eye

This is the first teaser poster for the Transformers movie that's coming out July 4th, 2007. Yes nerds, bretheren, we have to wait a whole year for this to come out. But once it does, you will be able to "chi-quo-quo-quo" to your hearts content for about 2 hours . . . unless somehow Brett Ratner replaces Michael Bay as director. Nothing is impossible nerds, so keep your fingers crossed.

The Summer Starts - Opening Movies 6/9/06

Opening in Wide Release

Cars - Pixar's latest offering opens up today, and be prepared to wait in line if you want to see this movie this weekend. With a ton of kids around you. If this scares you, it's fine. It scares me too. All those children, back-pocket tall. They could slip those tiny hands and lift your wallet very easily. Think about all those Dickens books. Just punch a kid in the face if he's dressed up in 1800's garb and standing around behind you. Trust me, that little bastard had it coming to him.

The Omen - And speaking about punching kids in the face, someone should really kick the kid in The Omen in the face, and then grab a folding chair, and crash it over his back until he goes limp. I hear all he does throughout this movie is frown/pout . . . because that is scary. Yeah, and loud sounds are scary . . . if you're 4 years old. You can't fault the movie for using the best marketing ploy of the century, 6/06/06. Wow, it's like they made a deal with someone to get a Tuesday release date. Who could have brokered that deal . . . hmm . . . maybe, wait . . . oh yes, the Devil?

A Prairie Home Companion - Let's get off the subject of beating kids up and move over to the subject of kicking Lindsey Lohan's ass. Why? Well, after working with Robert Altman in this movie, Lohan will no longer work with "no-name" directors. Because she's such a great actress. I say, since she is talentless, next time you see her, just dangle a bag of cocaine over her, just beyond her reach, and she'll probably kill herself because she can't get to it to "powder her nose". I don't think Karl Lagerfeld will mind too much.

Opening in Selected Theaters (Since I don't really care about these movies, all synopsi [or is it synopsises {how many of these can I get away with}, I don't know] come from Yahoo! Movies.)

Agnes and His Brothers - Three siblings, one a transsexual, suspect the cause of their troubled romantic lives is their relationship with their father

Autumn - A French hit man has a crisis of conscience but has to protect his childhood sweetheart who he learns is a thief.

Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul - A documentary look through the streets of Istanbul to record the many different musical styles of Turkey.

The Heart of the Game - A documentary following six seasons of a high school girls basketball team, their inspirational coach, and their star player.

The Long Weekend - A workaholic (Brendan Fehr) tries to save his job while his womanizing brother (Chris Klein) tries to loosen him up.

Thursday + Hump = Thumpday Hottie - Alexis Bledel

I was planning on doing this on time yesterday, since Thursday is not a proper "hump day". But, family from out of town is eating up all my time. Not that I am complaining, it's just getting in the way of my blog-empire. How am I supposed to make any money online if I can't attract perverts to my weblog. Anyway, this week's HDH is Alexis Bledel. You know her as Rory Gilmore from "Gilmore Girls" or the traitorous hooker from "Sin City". And, if you're a 15 year old girl, you also saw her in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", which despite having a ridiculous name, would probably make something in my pants rise if I ever did watch it. Regardless, she's a pretty girl and all, and many might not consider her to be "hot", but I'm seeing the big picture here folks. That's why I'm Jaime and you're not. You see . . . she on her own is cute, but throw in Lauren Graham and have them get into character and then, the only course of action in my mind is a mother-daughter lesbian encounter. Now, before you lambast me for suggesting I endorse incest, stop. It's not incest if it's make believe. Duh. And who doesn't want those two to get it on in a steamy, sweaty, rug-munching lick fest. If you don't raise your hand, then you're either handicapped or retarded, which is pretty much the same thing. And we don't really care about you, so piss off you Alexis Bledel-not loving douche-bags.
Alexis Bledel factoid - Her first language is Spanish thanks to her Argentinian and Mexican descent, which makes her a dirty spic beaner, like myself. We have so much in common.

Savior Pictured

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt just recently sold rights to pictures of their new baby, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie Pitt . . . I think that's how it is spelled . . . for $4.1 million dollars. So, in case you don't have that kind of cash lying around, and can't wait for People to publish that, then here is a picture of the baby. For free . . . or is it? It's is rumoured that this baby will be the reincarnation of the Lord Jesus Christ (the new and improved female version. God's not taking any chances this time around) because it is destined to be so hot that evil will melt and goodness will prevail. Right now, it kinda just looks like a regular baby. But you just wait. This one will be able to walk on water when it's a teenager.

Mutants on the Rise

You know, this three-armed baby kinda reaffirms the theory that there could be a next step in human evolution soon. Just think what you could do with three working arms. And no, it's not fight crime. Well, you could call it a crime, and you would be choking something, but let's not go down that path that strays really close to the gutter. Sadly, the three-armed baby has undergone surgery and I guess his mutant gift has been taken away. But, just like the "cure" in X-Men: The Last Stand, I expect this infant to grow up, and re-develop this third appendage. That way, he can walk around crowded areas and cop-a-feel on the sly. Women won't know what hit them. You know this is likely, those Asians are crazy-horny. So, ladies, next time someone pats you on the ass and you see an Asian close with two busy hands . . . be wary, there might be a third one under his coat.

Box Office Suffers The Break-Up

Looks like Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn made about 38 million new friends, all named George Washington, this past weekend, taking the top spot away from X-Men: The Last Stand by a narrow margin. Now, the Marvel Mutants movie occupies the #2 spot, which is kind of fitting, since it's poop. See, #2 . . . Poop . . . Same difference. Over the Hedge still proves that parents will take their kids anywhere that will keep them from talking for an hour and half as it hangs onto third place.

The Da Vinci code starts decoding the middle of pack at #4 with a quite impressive over-all take so far. It's done very well for a movie that was panned by nearly every critic in existance. Mission: Impossible III holds onto the #5 spot, but only until its head explodes by the bomb implanted in it's head . . . or something a little convoluted like that. Poseidon takes #6, still hanging on to a life preserver vest for dear box-office life.

The bottom of the pack is quite unremarkeable, except for the Al Gore movie, which is doing quite well despite it being a movie of a slide show. See No Evil is seeing no box office success, which I hope, puts a bullet in the head for the wrasslin production company that put that turd of a movie out. Just My Luck, a movie that has run out of luck, will not do much for Lindsey Lohan's future finances, which will most likely stay at 7 million dollars, "Which means she's like poor and lives in a motel in New York, that fire-crotch" - Brandon Davis.

1. The Break-Up - $38,053,000
2. X-Men: The Last Stand - $34,350,000
3. Over the Hedge - $20,647,000
4. The Da Vinci Code - $19,300,000
5. Mission: Impossible III - $4,679,000
6. Poseidon - $3,411,000
7. RV - $3,300,000
8. See No Evil - $2,000,000
9. An Inconvenient Truth - $1,332,000
10.Just My Luck - $825,000

A Taste of "Hard Candy"

Yesterday I caught a great movie at the "el cheapo" theater in Pasadena. You can't beat a $4 matinee price, no matter how spooky the ladies room is . . . ahem ahem. Anyway, the wife and I went out there to watch "Hard Candy", a great revenge movie with some seriously twisted moments. We're talking pedophilia, suicide, and castrations . . . not in that particular order.

It's about this photographer who has a penchant for seeking out underage girls to seduce them on the internet. He meets up with a girl (we're talking 14 year old girl here) at a local coffee shop and starts putting on the moves. He's smooth, well learned, and knows just what to say to impress the impressionable youth. After telling her that he has a bootleg MP3 of a concert from a band that she likes (well, at least he thought she liked) he "lures" her back to his house on the hills, where he shows her the lay of the land. They have a couple of drinks, and then the party gets a little out of hand for Mr. Smooth.

Suddenly, he feels a little queasy and crashes down onto the floor. He wakes up a little later, and he's tied to a chair, and the girl, Haley, starts to tell him how she was onto him. How she used different screen names to find out more about him. She even finds out that he used Amazon.com to look up things to say about different bands and books that she was interested in. She had planned the whole thing.

From here, she begins to torture him. She wants him to confess to a murder of another young girl who disappeared. He wants her to show her where he hides his stash of kiddie porn. When he won't tell her, after he's denied everything, she finds his safe, and cracks it open using a little bit of cunning. Apparently, honor roll students should never be given vendettas. From here, it moves over to the castration scene, which is intense to say the least. I was wincing through the whole thing. It doesn't end quite where one would, and the guy is able to get himself free.

This is where a lesser movie would throw in the towel and just do the same old bullshit ending. But "Hard Candy" takes the hard route, and the showdown on the roof makes so much sense it's creepy. This movie ends just the way it should end in the real world. Not that this reflects my opinion of how the government should deal with convicted pedophiles, it's just that . . . some of these guys deserve what they got coming to them. Sometimes, justice is metted out by the least likely of sources.

Great movie. Highly recommended. Seek it out and watch it, you won't be disappointed.

Search Terms - The Young and the Searched

This week, well . . . actually, last week's, since today is Sunday, and technically speaking, next week . . . where was I? I hate time-displaced connundrums. Oh yeah, this week's (don't start with me again) search term focus is strictly on the young'uns. America's future . . . masturbatory material. Seriously people, you have to stop doing this. I mean, the stuff below is pretty heinous. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying . . . Let's hope the Department on Justice doesn't come after you once you've found what your're looking for.

Pictures of Daniel Radcliffe peeing in his pants - Google Search
daniel radcliffe- does he masturbate - Google Search
emma watson drunk and fondling some guy - Google Search
emma watson nip slip - Google Search
emma watson nude - BlogSearch
"emma watson feet" - Google Search IT
"Emma Watson's feet" - Google Search MX
photo of shawn ashmore's small penis - Google Search UK
paparazzi photo daneil radcliffe - Google Search PR
"Emma Watson drunk" - Google Search AU
emma watson's sexy pictures - Yahoo Search
emma watson top slip - Google Search
lindsey lohans wardrobe malfunction pictures - MSN Search
shawn ashmore's penis and naked his boner - Google Search
Daniel Radcliffe's Penis - Yahoo Search
blog de emma watson - BlogSearch FR
pictures of actress who played kittie pride in x men 3 - Google Search
emma watson - BlogSearch
ashlee simpson - BlogSearch
teen blogs - BlogSearch
Amanda Bynes - BlogSearch
emma watson's affair - Google Search VE
lindsey lohan upskirt Nickelodeon - Google Search
emma watson's birthday photos - BlogSearch
amanda bynes oops jeans too low - Google Search AU
mother and daughter lesbian sex - BlogSearch
schoolgirl beaver shots - Google Search
Hermione - BlogSearch
boy nude pics - BlogSearch FR
linsey lohan's wardrobe malfunction - Google Search
Daniel Radcliff drink - ABC Startsiden Search
"lindsey lohan" "butt slip" - Google Search
fugly emma.watson corona - Google Search
Jesse McCartney videos - BlogSearch
daniel radcliffe armpit hair - Google Search

Weekend Send-Off - Complaint

I love running into these types of e-mails at work. You can clearly tell where this customer lost it while trying to type out this message to our tech support dept. Sure, it's understandable that reinstalling a dozen times can be a little aggravating, but at what point does one start wondering if the problem is not with the program, but something they are doing themselves or neglected to remove from their system? With our customers . . . the answer is NEVER. They are "always right" and will go down kicking and screaming before they admit any fault. Wonderful batch of bastards.

Our Xxxxx Subscription does not expire until September 2006. Our computer tells us it has expired as of May 2006.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF UNINSTALLING AND RE-INSTALLING XXXXX SOFTWARE TO GET IT TO WORK. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH "YOUR PRODUCT"? I have only un-installed and re-installed a dozen times...When renewal comes up I will sure think twice about continuing with PANSY XXXXX!!!

I HAVE CONTACTED YOU BEFORE BECAUSE OF THE SAME PROBLEM...YOUR ARE DISGUSTING!!!!

Disgusting?? Wow, what did we send out to her the last time. A picture of a baby eating his own turds?

Strangers With Candy Teaser

I used to watch this on Comedy Central. I had heard about this movie a couple of years ago, and then totally forgot about it. I guess it's still coming out. Should be fun. Stephen Colbert is much funnier than Steven Carrell, and look at how his movie career exploded. They're both alums from the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Even though I haven't watched that show in months, it's still one of my all-time favorites.

BAFW Still Hates Jake Gyllenhaal

Well, not hate, but I just hope his dick rots off and he never gets to use it on Natalie Portman, which is who he is dating now. Yeah, popular movie star, he can have any woman in the world (and Kirsten Dunst . . . what was up with that?), yet he picks up BAFW's favorite compulsive liar/epileptic. OK, maybe that was just a character that she played in a movie, but it's real enough for me, so don't tell me to stop re-enacting scenes from "Garden State" with my goose-down pillow.

Anyway, here they are, on a date. Jake got her flowers (can you say cliche . . .or chiclet), tulips . . . which I'm only guessing led to the "I can tell you where to plant those two-lips" joke. That one always works, in my head. Along with the yawn-reach-around at the movie theater. Because that's how I roll, you hear that Natalie Portman. I'll tell you where to plant those two-lips after I do the yawn-reach-around. By the way, it's going to have to be a matinee, and I hope you still have your Harvard student ID, I'm a little strapped for cash. Advertising revenues are dropping. Don't tell me you'll pay, I'm a gentleman. Think about that while you're dating Jake Gyllen-whore.

Hump'ing Ain't Easy - HDH - Kristen Bell

I know it's Friday, and my "Hump Day Hotties (HDH)" post should have been done on Wednesday, but Memorial Day threw me all out of whack this week. So much so that I finally got a parking ticket issued to me thanks to Glendale's retarded street parking rules. So, posting up pictures of chicks that are sexy was not very high on my concerns list right now. Regardless, I thought I'd give my reader(s) a weekend treat and post up some pictures of Kristen Bell, you know her from Veronica Mars . . . the only non-african american-centric television showed aired by UPN. Now her show is being shifted to the newly minted "The CW", a channel whose accronym still is a mystery to me.

Above and below are pictures of Kristen Bell, who deservedly wins this week's HDH spot by cavorting around in her panties at the park (extra points earned for showing a hint of camel-toe . . . go ahead, examine the first picture closely), while walking her dog. At least, I'm assuming it's her dog. It could be a prop, but for some reason, I trust her not to be Mariah Carey-crazy and not just use canines for photo-ops. At least she's not all dressed up. Enjoy the pictures, and enjoy your weekend.

What a lucky bitch

Mariah "Walks" Dog

Who does this? Who gets dressed up like they're going to a club or a swingers convention (we're not talking playground swings here) and then walks their dog? Or, at least, pretends to walk the dog while a crowd of papparazi snap up pictures of her looking "faboulous". Well, Mariah Carey does, and it just proves just how sane she is now. No, actually, it's border-line co-dependent how she needs to act this way to feel good about herself. I just feel bad for the dog. That poor guy has probably never been walked past the sidewalk infront of hotels ever. He must be dying to pee on new territory. More pictures of Mariah almost walking her dog and almost looking like a tranny or a curvaceous lemon below.

"Bitch, I want to go this way!" - Both Mariah and the Dog were overheard saying the exact same line, at the exact same time.

Knee-Jerk Reactions - Fight Night Round 3

So, I got the games from Gamefly yesterday, and I popped in Fight Night Round 3 into the XBOX 360 and clicked on the "Play Now" option. I don't recommend this. You start out with this weird button configuration that has you using the analog sticks to punch. I spent a couple of rounds getting the shit knocked out of my boxer because I kept clicking on buttons and nothing was happening.

So, naturally, I got pissed off and then took the game out of the console and popped in the other game. I came back to this game later last night after having a chat with a friend of mine while a certain someone was playing Bejeweled 2. I'm not saying who was playing that XBOX Live Arcade game . . . but she is, apparently, not a nerd and does not play video games.

So, after changing the button configuration to something a little more workable and caused less strain on my palms, I created a boxer that kinda looks like me with a faux-hawk . . . which my wife, who was definetely not playing Bejeweled 2 (wink), wants me to get. I then got into the game and now I know why it got a 10 rating from the Official XBOX Magazine (OXM). It is graphically stunning. When you deliver a face-jolting punch that makes your opponent stumble, it looks beautiful. The controls, after you get used to them, or just down-right change them to something not retarded, work pretty well.

I'm glad I didn't immediately send this back to Gamefly. I'm going to be playing this for a few weeks. I recommend you either rent or buy this. You won't be disappointed. My only gripe . . . well, not a gripe, but it's more like a "where did that come from?", are the bikini girls with the round cards. I mean, are they everywhere? Even the small, run-down gyms or warehouses? Do bikini-clad chicks just spend their free time around boxing rigs and then do this for a fight that has a $200 purse??? I'd think not. But hey, it's just a game.

Douche Cleans Up

I'm not sure what happened here . . . but that's Kevin Federline. Yeah, the same Kevin Federline that ruined Britney Spears by knocking her up and force-feeding her twinkies for the past year or so. The same K-Fed who walks around in corn-rows and shorts that drag around his ass and who swears he's the next incarnation of white chocolate. Some magazine called Item cleaned him up for an interview. They must not have wanted to have a guy that anyone can confuse for a homeless white rapper walking around their offices.

The strange thing about all of this is that, now that they cleaned up the douchebag, he still looks a little creepy. Like a car salesman that moonlights as a child strangler/hooker stabber. You can just picture K-Fed walking the streets at night, piano wire in hand, looking for his next victim . . . while Britney is in a donut shop, arguing what a baker's dozen is with the Vietnamese donut shop owner while Sean Preston plays with a loaded gun. "American Gothic" I tell's you . . .


Edit - If that last line left you perplexed, then . . . look it up you mooks.