Opening Weekend Movies - 4/13/07

Disturbia - Shia LeBouf stars in this movie, which I'm pretty sure is a Hitchcock movie remake, but instead of the main character being immobilized by a broken leg in a cast, he's under house arrest and has a tracking device on his leg. That, and everyone is young. Except for the killer. Because killers are always old, and tend to give Dr. House a terrible time if he leaves a thermometer up their ass.

Pathfinder - Vikings discovered America way before Christopher Columbus stumbled upon the Caribbean on his way to Asia. This would make "Pathfinder" a documentary then. Which I'm just guessing won't make as much money because Karl Urban is not Al Gore or Michael Moore. But, wouldn't this movie be that much better if you could see either one of those don viking armor and start going medieval on some asses? Yeah, why doesn't Hollywood get all their ideas from me.

Perfect Stranger - Halle Berry works in an ad agency as a mousy office worker who finds out her boss is evil. Wasn't this the plot for "Catwoman" as well? Berry just got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I'm wondering if it's for "Most retarded movie roles after winning an Oscar" category.

Redline - Eddie Griffin crashed a fake Ferrari to promote this movie. So you know it has to be good. Cars and racing . . . and I'm guessing chicks? Is this the next installment in the Fast and the Furious franchise? "Fast and the Furious - European Extreme"? Who cares. If this makes money (2nd or 3rd in the top five) this weekend, I'm taking a sledgehammer to the next Lamborghini I see.

Slow Burn - Never heard of it. Could be possibly good, or possibly bad. With a name like that, and starring Ray Liotta, it could just be a movie about something . . . burning slowly. The synopsis I read said something about a gang lord, a "beautiful" assistant D.A. and a robots in disguise. Wait a minute. Something doesn't fit here.

In Selected Theaters

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters - I will hunt down this movie this weekend. Most likely Sunday, which has become my new movie night. But, who wouldn't want to see Meatwad, Frylock and Master Shake for more than 15 minutes at a time. This will be comedy gold. Look for this movie. It's low budget, poorly animated, and just wrong in every way. Which is why, it's so right. Plus, they have the best movie title out this weekend. I mean, who else spells out punctuation? See, nobody. Watch this, or you're just another nerd. And you know what happens to nerds. They get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks. Don't let that happen to you.