Declines - March '06

Here again, the monthly decline report. My wallet is not ready to fulfill commitments to these CD/DVD clubs at the moment, although the CD club (BMG) I just keep around to see what kind of ridiculous shit they try to sell me. We'll start with them, then we'll check out the Columbia House offerings.

Switchfoot - Nothing is Sound (Sony Version) - First of all, why would I even want to buy a CD. Second, if for some odd reason I were to buy a CD, why would I buy it from Sony, who put that horrible rootkit thingamabob into their CD's that are so easily hack-exploitable. Sure Sony, why don't I install a door on my computer that anyone can get into. Third, Switchfoot?? No thanks, I don't want to give my ears cancer.

Doom - I saw this in the theaters with the Sal a few months ago. And yeah, it wasn't high drama, and it could have been loads better. But as it is, it's pretty fun with a couple of mild scares and some hot action. Why am I not buying it? Well, they changed the demon spawn into Martian DNA hybrid'y-clones and I would rather play the DOOM 3 game than watch the movie. Pretty much the same effect, except the game is scarier than the movie.

Saw II - I have not seen this, but I saw the first one . . . and was not too impressed with it. This one seems to take it's premise directly from the movie The Cube (watch it, but avoid the sequels), in that it puts a group of abducted people in an enclosed place and they have to figure a way out. I'll spoil it for you . . . people die. The domestic box office gross for this warranted a sequel, which should come out by Halloween this year. Be prepared to see movie posters with three sawed off grungy fingers in them. I don't know what they'll do for the fourth movie, since Scary Movie 4 stole their severed finger thunder with their teaser poster. Save those marketing people a headache, don't watch Saw III.

There you go, things I'm not buying this month. I know, contain your excitement, people are watching you . . even when you're alone.

Fall Out Boy Zips Up, Talks

Remember that post about the Fallout Boy band member who managed to get his penis pictures distributed all over the internet (a la Paris Hilton style but with less penises per frame)? Well, here's a (press?) release about the incident, and this is what happened . . . in Pete Wentz's own words.

"So as some of you obviously know someone hacked into my sidekick and took pictures off of it. this was very upsetting and a total invasion of privacy. i can't explain to you how it feels. whats even more absurd to me is that anyone would care to see a couple of racy pictures of some shitty, dirty boy. after feeling badly about this for about 24 hours, i am now ready to get back to laughing.
its been a tough couple of weeks for me lately. the only good thing about times of adversity is that you realize who your real friends and fans are- and the rest go away- which in my mind is an ok thing. i just wanted to take the time to thank the people who continually stand by my side- a special thanks to absolutepunk.net and mikey way for being amazing.
the moral of the story: if you really dont want pictures of yourself to end up on the internet. dont take the pictures.
now please return to the shittalking at whatever messageboard you are at.
OMG! gaah. i forgot the most important part- how the fuck did santino not win? santino > pete wentz - for sure- thought i could have understood if daniel won, but her? blah.
now you can really go back."

The final statement clearly disproves the theory that he was sending these out to a girl. I mean, the guy is an avid watcher of Project Runway, which also means he's an avid smoker of meatpoles. I mean, he's rooting for the gay General Zod look-alike when he could have totally been talking about something more hetero . . . like trips to Hooters or strippers giving him special treatment in the champagne room. Not that there's anything wrong with loving to smoke meatpoles. I say more power to you Mr. Pete Wentz. Remember, don't speak/sing with your mouth full . . . of cock.

Precor Pwns Me

I've started to torture myself . . . err . . . I mean workout, again, and this machine is currently laying a smackdown on my systolic and diastolic heart rate. I do prefer it over the treadmills most people like, because there's less impact on the ankles, knees, fat-rolls, etc. It isn't, by any means, an easy machine to stay on for more than 45 minutes. My wife and have visited the 24 Hour Fitness gym for 3 days in a row (hopefully making tonight the 4th in a row and all time record for myself and her) and we're planning on killing ourselves on this machine tonight. I know that it all pays off in the end. All the "Earthlink Pot Luck Lunch" weight will be slowly but surely melting off my physique (fingers crossed) and I'll feel like a human again instead of feeling like a beached baby whale (I'm not that huge after all). All I need now is a new iPod. My wife's grip on the old one is unbreakable, so maybe, when I get that fabled "end of the year" bonus everyone is talking about at work (yeah, it's March and still no extra scratch), I'll buy her a new one (Nano's look good) and reclaim ownership of my lost MP3 player. That way, I don't have to listen to "Pump up the Jam" and "I think I'm turning Japanese" over and over again while I'm on the elliptical machine of doom.

Note to Douchebag

Dear Douchebag,

As you started blasting System of a Down in the stall next to me in the company bathroom, I could not help but think that you had made a shitty, yet utterly appropiate , music selection for the shitter. Even though I am in the school of thought that the only sonorous cacophany should be gasseous in nature when in the shitter, you have wowed me with your profience at being too cool for life. Why don't you commit suicide already. Make sure you're buried with that PDA/MP3 player you think is such hot shit, so that you can enjoy the loud and terribly obnoxious music you like to listen to . . . even in the afterlife.

Sincerely,

Me.

Living la Vida Muerta - UD Wk3

As you all know, I've been playing the Urban Dead MMORPG pretty much religiously for the past couple of weeks. The first two tries at it yielded zombification pretty quick, but it seems that the third time is the charm, since my now level 6 (with 73 XP's) fireman is unscathed and loaded up with more weapons than I have hands for. Here's a rundown of the skills I have picked up along with my inventory.

Basic Firearms Training (Player gets +25% to hit with all firearms attacks.)
* Shotgun Training (An extra +25% to hit with a shotgun.)

Hand-to-Hand Combat (+15% to melee attacks.)
* Axe Proficiency (An extra +15% when attacking with an axe.)

Free Running (Can move between adjacent buildings without stepping outside.)

Body Building (Player has a maximum of 60 Hit Points instead of 50.)


Inventory -

Fire Axe
Pair of Wirecutters
Crucifix
Shotgun (1 shell)
Shotgun (empty)
Shotgun (2 shells)
Pistol (6 rounds)
Pistol (6 rounds)
Pistol (5 rounds)
Pistol (1 round)
Flare Gun x2
Pistol Clip x8
Flak Jacket

All's I need is a day's worth of searching the Dane Street PD in Crowbank (or the often zombie laden Burt Square PD next door) to find some more shotgun shells to load up on my shotty's. I don't know why this game is so addictive. By all means it shouldn't. Only 50 turns every 24 hours. No graphics. Just a grid and some text. But I keep coming to it. Try it out. Link in the sidebar.

Hottest Substitute Teacher. Ever.

So this is what I'm missing out on by not attending an Ivy League school. Damn, and here I thought that living in Los Angeles, I would be able to catch a glimpse of Natalie Portman on the street . . . preferrably naked and making a bee-line to my crotch area. Sigh . . daydreams are fun. Anyway, here she is, teaching at Columbia University (if I remember correctly, but it could also be the North Hollywood Learning Annex), where she got to be teacher for a day to a class full of lucky sons (and daughters) of bitches. She is quite the smart cookie as well, capable of speaking 5 languages (one of them Galactic Standard) and she even has a Harvard degree (take that Rory Gilmore!).

EDIT - Yeah, I know I misspelled "substitute" earlier, but that's because I wanted Natalie to come over and personally correct it for me. Maybe even give me a "check+" for effort.

Falling Out the Pants Boy

I'm not very familiar with the band Fallout Boy. I think they have that "Cock it and Pull it" song out right? Well, how friggin appropiate is it that I run into this particular story over at the Superficial. They have a set of NSFW pictures up today that show the guy above (I think his name is Pete Wentz) using his camera phone to take pictures of his junk. Looks like he wasn't all that smart about courting a female, because she in turn sent them to a friend, that sent them to a friend, which in turn led to it to spread faster than AIDS in Africa (ouch . . . I went there). Teeny-boppers go wild as you check out the post with the questionable pictures here. Why am I not posting his "cock it and pull it" (ha, get it?) pictures on my blog? Well, I already posted some months ago pictures of Jude Law's wanger, and that filled up the quota for male genitalia pictures on my blog.

Fresh N' Tasty - Search Terms

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I'm Late - Get Me the Box Office Pregnancy Test

Yes, I know, I'm late with what should have been a Monday posting about the dismal state of the box office. I did post something movie-related though, so quit getting on my case "imaginary people that are getting on my case". God, I hate those make-believe fucks. Because, seriously, who reads this blog other me and the monkey that lives in my closet. It's the only thing that stops Chuckles from flinging his poop at me. Anyway, on with the cinematic-poop that is dominating our nation this week.

1. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - Black Tranny-poop.
2. 16 Blocks - Willis-Def combo poop.
3. Eight Below - Frozen doggie poop.
4. Ultraviolet - Ultra poop (which was not half bad. Just ask the Sal).
5. Aquamarine - Liquid mermaid diarreah poop.
6. The Pink Panther - Sold their souls for some devil poop.
7. Dave Chappelle's Block Party - Great looking documentary pooped on by America
8. Date Movie - Derivative poop.
9. Curious George - Monkey poop currently not being flinged at me.
10.Firewall - Old man poop . . . that thwarts bank heist.

I've only seen 1 1/4's worth of the movies in the top ten. This could very well be one of the worst starts of the year as far as movies are concerned. It doesn't look like it'll be getting any better either.

Gyllenhaal - Party Monster

That Jake Gyllenhaal is one crazy motherfucker (yes, he fucked your mother). These are pictures of a pre-Oscar celebrity elbow-rub & hobnob that Ang Lee took part of. I'm pretty sure the Brokeback Mountain director did not think that he was going to have Gyllenhaal's scene-stealing antics to deal with, but there you go. Seems Gyllenhaal had a little too much to drink before the Oscar festivities commenced, and this is the end result. Enjoy the pictures.


I wish I knew how to quit you Ang.

Nacho Libre Advanced Screening

The Sal, my wife and I managed to get advanced screening tickets to the new Jack Black Mexican wrestling opus: "Nacho Libre" tonight. We got them from those guys that give out the free movie screening tickets outside of theater multiplexes. You know the guys, the ones that pester you to go see the latest Hollywood studio bullshit. This was a clear exception. I had seen the trailer for this movie, and from what I had seen . . . it seemed OK. Finally, a Jack Black movie that I could get excited about.

The day itself could not have provided the worst environment to standing in line. If you're in the Los Angeles area, then you know that it began raining today. Again. It sucked. But thankfully, we weren't in the rain for too long. We spent only about a half an hour out in the cold with a bunch of Hollywood hipsters who shook like little chihuahas in the rain.

We were ushered into a theater in the middle of the Paramount Studios off of Melrose and Gower. We got some decent seats not too close to the screen, and waited another half an hour for the movie to begin. At least we were out of the elements this time though. Soon enough, some dude ran up to the front and let us know that we were the first ever crowd to check out this rough cut of the movie. They informed us that some of the effects were not finished. The music was a temp track, and the color on some of the scenes were not fully coordinated yet. No problem we think. It's a free movie.

The movie starts and it's got all the quirky sensibilities that Napoleon Dynamite (same director) had mixed in with Jack Black's comic timing. The guy, when left up to his own devices, is a comic idiot savant. He nails the Mexican accent 50% of the time, the rest, it kind of crumbles on him . . . but you don't care. It's so funny seeing him interacting with Steven (Esqueleto) and the scenes with the orphans that you can forgive this minor flaw in the movie.

Now, this is a Nickelodeon Studios feature, but it's not extremely geared towards children. There is no swearing, no nudity, and only some high school'y romance overtones between Black and Ana de la Reguera's (a Penelope Cruz look-a-like) character. She plays a nun, which makes it funnier to see Nacho's advances towards her. And yes, he plays a friar . . . but it ends up with a happy ending that does not involve some Black on Nun sex.

The Mexican wrasslin' scenes are a hoot. Seeing all this Mexican-style Lucha Libre totally puts the American stuff to shame. There's just so much more show-manship to it. It's less drama and more acrobatics. I specially enjoyed the scene with the two devil midgets. Fantastic shit.

I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone . . . but you know that Good will always triumph over Evil . . . so make your own deductions. Is it worth paying your hard earned cash to see this? Abso-fuckin-lutely. If you enjoyed Napoleon Dynamite, then you'll get a kick out of this. Even "Pedro" is in it, in a friar-cameo role. For those with children . . . can you take your kids to see this when it comes out? Hell yes. Take them twice. Jack Black needs to make more of these kinds of movies. Movies that have him running around acting like an ass and not caring that the story is some rehashed crap. This will make you forget about that Orange County movie. Maybe, even erase Envy from your scarred psyche. Possibly not, but it will help you sleep at night.

Lohan Party Etiquette

Yes, that's a blond (not my preferred look for her) Lindsay Lohan in that picture, hanging out with some gal-pals. Oh, and yes, that's a ginormous water bong sitting in the table in front of them, flanked by water/soda bottles. To fight the cotton-mouth of course. This comes from The Superficial and they have more pictures of Lohan class'ing it up all over the place with friends. Pictures include: pretend digital vaginal oral sex, plenty of fingers being flipped, a struggle with a champagne bottle and . . . if you look closely, you might even see a line of cocaine sitting around one of the tables. I'm not a Lohan'ologist, so I don't know how old she was when she was "rockin" the blond look, but I'm willing to bet she was not 21 at the time. Draw your own conclusions/inferences after the click. Or, if you prefer, jump to conclusions now and proclaim that she is a drunken, pot smoking, cocaine snorting, underage wannabe lesbian slut. Go ahead. It's America. People can say that. So long as they put "allegedly" at the end. Allegedly.

The Future?

Somebody at work sent this to me. I think he's hinting at something. I don't know, it's kind of almost too subtle. Like there's something I need to decipher. Some enigma that's hidden in the subtext. I've never been great at reading between the lines, so I'll continue to study this picture in hopes of getting what he meant to communicate to me.

Oh yeah, that's right, he thinks I'm whipped because I get a ton of calls at work from my wife. Hey, who knows, maybe I am. I have become fairly domesticated. But I don't think that I'm that far gone . . . yet. And lets face it, like Fred Durst wisely said "I did it all for the nookie". Sure, there's love there as well, but the nookie is unbeatable.

The Foamy Proof - Hermione Still Drunk

I rarely do follow ups here on BAFW, but someone had raised doubt on the validity of the picture of Emma Watson just about to sip the Corona in the previous post. Well, here's a picture of her right after finishing that Corona, and below you'll find another picture of her boozing it up with a couple of her youngster friends. This should squash any doubt and teach you not to question my hard hitting and investigative style of reportage. Process the proof in your head and conjecture away as to when she will be participating in her first all midget gangbang. My money's on 16 1/2.

2nd Week in Malton - UrbanDead Update

My 2nd week in Malton with my Fireman "SteelSimian" has been much more productive than my previous outings. I remain @ 50 hit points, have increased my fire axe attacks to 40% accuracy, and am at level 4 currently. Here's what's in my inventory:

Fire Axe
Wirecutters
First Aid Kit
Crucifix
Newspaper
Flak Jacket
Shotgun w/2 shells loaded
Extra Shotgun Shells (x3)
Pistol Clip x2

My skills include: Hand-to-Hand Combat w/axe proficiency, free running & body building (60 hit points max). I'm in the suburb of Crowbank, in the Dane Street Police Dept. The Burt Square Police Dept 1 block southeast of us has had the barricades torn down somehow, and zombies are currently crawling in there. When I get my AP's up, I'm going zombie hunting.

Nugget of Fatherly Wisdom

I don't think about my father much these days. But this, for some odd reason, started to pop into my mind and it's been mulling in there for a couple of minutes. And since mulling about stuff usually drives me bat-shit crazy, I need to get it out of my system.

My father was a very bright, ambitious, and rather misguided individual. I say "was" even though he's still alive. I don't talk to him or maintain any sort of communication with him. But that's another story. Even though he was all that, he had some strange notions about the future. Often when I was a young kid, I would ask him why we didn't have a home personal computer. For some reason, he was against the whole notion of computers and would often tell me that those who did not know how to use them would eventually rule the world. Thinking back to those days when I would be told this from time to time I can't help but doubt the intelligence behind that statement.

It's clear that to succeed in this world you need a working knowledge of computing. Nothing much is done on paper these days. I don't even cash checks, it's all directly deposited into my bank account and then I go online and pay bills directly from the online banking site so that I don't have to write checks or waste money on stamps. So that nugget of wisdom has become as obsolete as my relationship (or lack thereof) that I used to have with my dear ol' pops.

Maybe I'll post more things about him in the near future, and believe you me, if it indeed does come to the point within my lifetime where people who don't know how to turn on a computer are running things, then I will post a full detractionary posting on this blog . . . but chances are I won't have to.

Better Late than Never - Search Terms

I realize that this is a Wednesday feature on BAFW, and that today is not Wednesday. Fuck you and your details. It's late this week, but just look at this list. It keeps getting better and better.

academy snow urinal handcuff picture navy - Google Search - Hazing goodness.
"underworld evolution sex scene" - Yahoo Search - Strategically placed extremities goodness.
lost spoiler (x5) - Google Search - Televised goodness.
Antonio Banderas, Angelina Jolie in the bed, video clip - UK Google Search - Akin to a car crash goodness.
olympic nipple slip - Yahoo Search - Go for the gold goodness.
daniel radcliffe's penis - Yahoo Search - Oh my goodness.
Val Kilmer Paris Hilton - Blog Search - Over the hill banging slut goodness.
mischa barton - Blog Search - OC giant goodness.
pictures of figure skaters panty shots - Yahoo Search - Silver medalist goodness.
rachel mcadams blog hairy nipple - Yahoo Search - Sasquatchy goodness.
shizuka skating "nipple slip" - Google Search - Bronze areola goodness.
johnny cash when the man comes around right-click - Google Search - Drunken goodness.
al pacino and toupee and two for the money - Google Search - Over-acted goodness.
Mila Jovovich Ultra Violet Comic BackStory - Google Search - Eraserhead nipple goodness.
jaime lining - Google Search - WTF?
clip of the basic instinct crotch scene - Google Search - Dried up goodness.
bra blogs - Blog Search - Restraining goodness.
picture and sheep and sick bastard - Google Search - Bestiality goodness.
cameron diaz in her shoes screencaps - Google Search Peru? - South American foot fetishist goodness.
"vanity fair" "scarlet johanssen" - Google Search - Utopian goodness.
"war at home" nipslip - Canadian Google Search - Unwatchable crappy goodness.
family guy "ramen noodles" - Google Search - 4 for a dollar goodness.
cocaine's terrible side - Yahoo Seach - Blow'n away goodness.
blogspot.com + asia argento + last days + land of the dead - Google Search - Undead goodness.
diy lure coursing - Google Search - Fishing goodness.
special trailer michael rappaport - Google Search - Best Super-hero movie ever goodness.
hentai blogspot - Yahoo Search - Japanimation (remember that term?) goodness
sunset blvd hookers - Yahoo Search - Better than Santa Monica Blvd's questionable goodness.
i'm rich biatch - Yahoo Search - Chapelle catch phrase goodness.
"t-mobile ads" "zeta jones" "tag line" - Google Search (1 out 1 search results) - Celebrity cashing in on fading stardom goodness.
poseidon movie - Blog Search - Upside down boat goodness.
galactica nip slip - Google Search - Coolest show on cable goodness.
reese whitherspoon's nude photos - Google Search - All chin'y goodness.
billy bob thornton urine vial - Google Search - Crazy hillbilly goodness.
pictures of nose picking bearded transvestites - Google Search - I told you about that Santa Monica Blvd's questionable goodness already.
blogspot models - Google Seach - If they're hot, then I'm all for it. Spare me the fugly goodness.
cameltoe - Blogdigger - Moose-knuckle goodness.
"James Franco" annapolis wedgie - Google Search - What he deserves goodness.
"silent hill" trailer "windows media player" - Yahoo Search - Creepy as fuck goodness.
Anna Hathaway Havoc ifilm - Google Search - Post Princess Diaries nipply goodness.
"Keira Knightly Sex" - Google Search - Preferably with Scarlett Johanssen.
lohan - Technorati - Image on the rebound goodness.
chick blogs - Blog Search - Why are they not in the kitchen goodness?

Tales of Flatulence - Speechless

During my stint working in the export industry, I remember very clearly how I impacted someone's life very deeply with a rather nasty bout of flatulence that was afflicting me on a specific occasion. I don't know what had brought this on. Maybe some bad carne asada burrito from the roach coach that would service the area where the office was located. In any case, I was undergoing some serious cramps because my position required me to work with clients on a face to face to cargo package (don't sexual innuendo that) basis. Rarely did I get time to myself. But from time to time, I would find myself all alone at my post and this is when I would discretely let loose on some pretty rank gaseous emanations.

A sidenote though . . . isn't it peculiar that whenever you think you're scot-free and that no one is around to smell that warm, squishy fart you just let out, a crowd of people come in all of the sudden and there's no one to pin the blame on but yourself? Funny how this happens huh? Like you let loose a "rat-tat-tat" of pestilence and suddenly a marching bad appears and starts circling your desk. That's karma for you.

Anyway, I'm letting this stream of flatulence out and it's feeling great. Silent but deadlies are making their way out my anus one by one and it's diminishing the cramps I'm feeling. There's no one in sight so I'm feeling pretty confident when out of nowhere, this lady steps into the office, a little flustered because her packages had not been attended to. She's looking for me because I, at the time, was the guy that weighed, measured, processed & shipped everything in the warehouse. I was a 4 man team for the price of one. So I'm sitting there, hoping that she does not get close enough to enter the boundries of the stench, which was pretty gruesome . . . and I'm not an easy person to gross out. She's not noticing the smell as she closes in. I'm at the epicenter while she keeps going on and on about how she has to be at the airport at a certain time and how she still needs to go to her hotel to pack and she needs to get the cargo processed when suddenly, she steps into no-man's land.

She stops mid-word . . . not sentence. She doesn't even finish the word she's on when she gives the air around us a sniff. There's a look of puzzlement in her eyes closely followed by a realization that she just inhaled a small portion of the cloud of poo-gas that has suddenly enveloped her. She cringes, makes a face that's immediately followed by a "ay por Dios (translation - Oh my God . . she was Venezuelan), totally forgets about her problems, and promptly walks away. She needs no explanation. She knows what she just walked into, and I'm laughing my ass off. I could have apologized, but why? Everyone farts. Even that pompous bitch farts on ocassion.

I don't remember what happens after. It's really irrelevant. The look on her face + the psychological damage that my fart imposed on her was enough. I don't have many fond memories of my time working at the Fashion District in Downtown Los Angeles . . . but that exact moment is seared into my mind. I know that she still remembers it too. She could not have forgotten. She probably tells all her idiot friends about the time she was stopped in her tracks by the power of one man's flatulence.

Nipple-Topia - Lohan'ized

I'm glad this came out now and not six months ago when Lindsay Lohan was 65 lbs fully clothed and dripping wet. Now that she's gained a few ounces, it looks like she's gaining them in specific spots. Most notable, her boobs, which provide us with this little nip-slip. The wardrobe-malfunction (that's going to get me a lot of hits) strikes again! Now, she still kind of bugs me. It's most likely the fact that she fucks half of Hollywood, which is still less than what Paris Hilton gets it on with (per hour), but that's still pretty slutty. And then things like this happen, which are more in character with the Hiltons (even the mother . . check the archives).

So enjoy it you freaks. I know the kind of traffic that comes this way. I'll be posting some of the Sitemeter referral stats tomorrow. I'm thinking about posting IP addresses as well . . . We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Investigative Poll - Participate

My wife gives me crap all the time about this blog. When she's not claiming that I spend too much time on it she complains that there are too many advertisements on the page. Now, I think this is a matter of opinion really. But to women, opinion has a silly way of turning into fact.

So, I postulate this question . . . Are there too many ads on this blog? Feel free to leave an answer in the comments section. But be warned, while I value your opinion, it won't in any way, shape or form dissuade me from keeping the ads that are already on the page. What it might do is make me rethink positioning of new advertisements so that they become less intrusive to the reader. Not that I think that they're too intrusive as is . . . but I'll try to make future ad positioning a little more out of the way.

Opine away folks.

Hermione and the Goblet of Beer

What's the legal drinking age in Hogwart's these days? I'm willing to bet it's not 15. I think this Emma Watson chick who plays Hermione on those Harry Potter movies has no business picking up a Corona and doing the whole underage drinking . . . but hey, who am I to say anything. I was getting parrots drunk when I was 10. But at least I had the common decency not to be caught drinking with parrots on camera. Hermione is not that smart.

And yeah, I realize some of you might be thinking "Jaime used to drink with parrots?" Hell yeah, I grew up in a third world country. They have wild animals all over the place. I don't think I need to get into what happens when you take Coca-Cola away from a capuchin monkey . . . let me just tell you . . . them monkeys love the Coke. They won't touch New Coke though. That shit's whizzack.

So yeah, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, good for you Emma Watson. You're on your way to dropping an absurd amount of weight, snorting a lot of coke, losing whatever pre-pubescent boobage you are bound to grow in the next six months, and then change your name to Nicole Ritchie and/or Lindsey Lohan. You do have an edge over them though . . . you have a British accent. How special of you.

Boat Over Easy

I haven't been on a sea-faring ship for quite sometime now . . . and this does not really make me want to take a cruise. This is the teaser posted for the remake of The Poseidon Adventure. I think there was a TV movie last year on one of the network outlets . . . this should be better than that . . . despite the casting of Fergie from the Black Eyed Piss. Maybe they can show her peeing her pants in fear this time . . . instead of under the influence of alcohol. All in all, it's a pretty effective poster. I might drag the wife to go see this. I'll be sure to give her some floaties so she can feel safe when we're at the theater.

New Partner in Clothed Crime

Who doesn't like unique t-shirts. I do, but let's take it one step further. What if you could design your own t-shirt, as unique as your imagination can take you. Then Spreadshirt Inc. is what you would be looking for. Check out the site via the link in this picture (or the hyperlink on the text of this post, or the look for the mini-button on the sidebar . . . so many choices!). Warning, hot chick not included in the sale. I don't want any false advertising on this site. Now, rest assured that you will be the coolest cat (or animal of your own choosing) on the block with one of your own t-shirts. That is, if you've got some great designs tucked away in your noggin. Otherwise, stick to wife-beaters and beanies. Popozao-style, ya dig.

Lost Fashion Sensibilities

Now, I know everyone thinks that Evangeline Lilly, otherwise known as Kate from Lost, is hot. I personally agree with you all. But then I took a look at this picture and now I think she's crazy as well. Either that, or it's a new fashion trend in Hawaii to wear children's bathing suits when you're out and about. I keep looking at this picture (both hands on keyboard) and wondering when the little dog's going to show up to pull down her bikini bottom a little bit to reveal her tan lines. Hmm . . . actually, if that happened, there'd be only one hand on the keyboard right now.

Congratulations to Dominic Monaghan, who is engaged to marry Evangeline. You've got a heck of a girl there. Emphasis on girl. Maybe all the nights he's had her dress up as a Catholic schoolgirl has had a permanent impact on her. Or maybe that's just my personal fantasies running amok again. But do you blame me? Who wouldn't want to see her in one of those?

Box Office Disaster

So America, here are your top ten movies. And wow, what a bunch of turds that list is. I don't know if there's any film in there I would want to watch (again, I'm looking at you FD3). Two dog movies, 2 Paul Walker movies, 2 kids movies. Everything seems to come in two's this week, which seems appropiate, since that's the numerical sign for caca. If only Big Momma's House 2 had made it to the top ten, then it would have completed the poopie domination with 2 movies about black dudes donning woman costumes that defy the realm of plausibility.

1. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion
2. Eight Below
3. The Pink Panther
4. Date Movie
5. Curious George
6. Firewall
7. Final Destination 3
8. Doogal
9. Running Scared
10.Freedomland

For shame America, for shame.

Adver-Tyrant: Weekend Ink Warrior

This week's Adver-Tyrant will be terrorizing your weekend traffic to this site with incredible deals on ink for your printers. Now, we all know you might have gotten than inkjet/laserjet dirt cheap from the computer manufacturer . . . but the ink can cost you an arm and a leg . . . and other body parts that will remain unmentioned. But, with this site (that kicks back some scratch this way if you buy through this link/ad) it's all made quite affordable. So, check it out. Let your inner cheapskate roam the site freely.

Words that Piss off my Wife

There are certain words out there in the english vocabulary, mostly slang, that really upset my wife. Whenever I say them, I get slapped. I get slapped a lot since I just don't learn not to say these things. But, thanks to the 1st amendment, I can continue saying these things because truthfully . . . I think it's funny when I get slapped. Don't psychoanalize my shit.

Poonani(er, nani) and any other variations.
Cootchie
Cunt
Twat
Vagina (yeah, I know)

All these things are female anatomy related. I don't know why using these words instead of her preferred feline'y term sets her off. Oh well. This is not a complete list of course. I'm typing this out with very little time on my side. When I think of more, or discover more via slap, I'll continue to post them on the blog. I know, you're waiting with bated breath. Silly trapperkeepers.

It Just Got Worse

This leaves me speechless . . .

Spider-Man Image Released

This is not a black & white picture. This is Spider-Man in the black costume. You know, the alien symbiote one. The one that leads to the creation of Venom. This is a sweet image that kicks my ass into high-expectation gear. This is not like X-Men 3, where every time I see a picture associated with that doomed-to-fail production I groan. This makes my inner fanboy happy. Click on it to make it a little bigger.

BAFW Hilton-Watch 2006 continues . .

It seems that every week, there's a story about Paris Hilton here. But hey, it's not my fault she's such a loose whore and that I have to report on it. I mean, just look at this picture taken at a club named "Tao". I'm guessing that Paris does not know the meaning of the term "lady-like". Other terms she might not be familiar with include: abstinence, no & common decency. But what's more surprising about this picture is that she IS wearing underwear. Bravo Paris. I'm glad you're working on your image. Now I think you're not so much a blatant whore but a subconscious whore. It's like she's working on some primal instinct where she's trying to attract mates . . . but it's kicked into overdrive and she can't stop it or else she explodes. Like in Speed. She has to fuck 55 guys an hour or a bus load of innocents die.

And is it me, or do the guys in the picture look kind of like they're getting ready for a gangbang? Maybe that's why Hilton looks so happy.

Don't Mess with Kitties

Great, not only am I allergic to cats, but now they've got themselves a hold of automatic russian assualt rifles. Watch out for those gat-packin-kitties. I wonder if this is all a backlash from the creation of the Duckie Mafia.

Urban Dead Update

I've been playing this low-tech MMORPG (if you're not a nerd, then you wouldn't know what this is . . . and don't bother finding out) called Urban Dead (link in the sidebar) that I found out about over at Analog Medium. There are no graphics, just a grid map, some text, and not enough action points to satisfy your thirst for killing zombies. But, despite all that, I keep going back . . . like an abused woman who thinks that maybe this time . . . he won't hit me. Ok, enough with the metaphors, here's an update on my progress.

I'm in the suburb of Crowbank, in St. Emilia's Church. We have a generator, which I personally refueled, and there's like 6-7 players in there. A couple of high level players too. The building is heavily barricaded, but not so that we can't go out and get back in. I think I'll be spending some time in this area, trying to level up and buy skills (I needs me more melee %).

Marriage Contract . . . Good Idea?

This has been making the rounds around the office today. This guy and his marriage contract that supposedly held his wife "hostage" for some time. Now, she willingly signed this document before marrying this guy. There are 5 or so pages, full of outrageous demands. I don't want to detract from the experience that is reading over this contract, so I'll just give you the link from The Smoking Gun. Enjoy. Specially the ladies (I'm looking at you honey).

Zombie Dream Interpretation

I keep having weird ass dreams. Like last night, I had a dream that I went to my old high school on the last day of school to clean out my locker. I ran into some people, that invited me to some premier or something or other, and before I was able to get things done . . . zombie outbreak.

These damn zombies start killing everyone, and they're not like regular zombies that die if you crush their brains or shoot them in the head. No, these zombies will fall, and then sometime later, get back up . . . again and again and again. In my dream, you really can't kill something that's already dead.

Even my dog ends up zombified, but, he doesn't try to take a bite out of me. He's a domesticated zombie dog. I don't know what happened to everyone else in my dream, but I end up in a room with a computer that still has internet connection and periodically I do runs for supplies. Sometimes I interact with the zombies, who are now actually talking to me, and telling me that if I don't mess with them . . . they won't mess with me.

I don't listen to them though, and I end up hacking up a couple of the zombies with a small hand axe, and they start chasing me around some city that I'm not very familiar with. All I remember is there were lots of fences.

And then I wake up. So, what does it all mean?

Searching for a Meaning

Lot of variety this past week in the search terms I found while keeping an eye on my Sitemeter referrals page. Weird stuff in there as well. I'll bold the more bizarre ones for you. Because I'm that nice. I know, I'm the best.

Who is prettier-Emma Watson or the Olsen twins - Yahoo Search
rachel mcadams; breasts - Yahoo Search
xxxxx woman sexy - MSN Search
westtexasrocks - MSN Search
she peed her pants see photo - Google Search
"jimmy kimmel live" "november" "bob dougherty" - Google Search
daniel Radcliffe's nipples - Google Search
"jessica alba" "in leather" bullwhip - French Google Search
bandaged eyes - Blog Search
THC semen - Canadian Google Search
morgan webb taking a dump - Google Search
Fergie Black Eyed Pies San Diego urine - Google Search
sample music clip travolta let her in - Google Search
exorcism of emily rose screencaps - Canadian Google Search
jaime - Blog Search
james blunt you're beautiful - Blog Search
kirsten dunst antoinette mpg - Danish Google Search
whitney houston interview - Blog Search
andy milinokis growth hormone - Google Search
babies - Blog Search
video clips of ice skaters wardrobe malfunctions - Google Search
picture blogs - Blog Search
FOX the OC - Blog Search
Eats Babies - Blog Search
gwyneth paltrow, revealing dress, see through, picture - Yahoo Search
vinnie jones grabbing a groin tackle soccer - Yahoo Search
new pornographers - Blogdigger
cortana hentai shots halo - Google Search
"nipple slip" +ice +olympic - Google Search

Long Weekend Earners

1. Eight Below - A movie about sled dogs, starring Paul Walker? What? Cuba Gooding Jr. was too busy to jump all over this . . . again? Disney rules the top spot with this drooler of a movie, where 8 canines get trapped somewhere in Antarctica with no way out other than to wait for Paul Walker to arrive with his giant head and body warmth . . . or something like that. I haven't seen it. And I'm not going to see it.

2. Date Movie - Boasting that it was written by 2 of the 6 writers that wrote Scary Movie only gets your movie into the 2nd spot. Unfortunately, it has made enough to warrant sequels, which is a bad thing. Too bad, I used to like Alyson Hannigan. She was my nerdy dreamgirl. Now, I wouldn't piss on her if she were rolling around on the ground, on fire, and with a swarm of bees stinging her eyes.

3. The Pink Panther - Why do they keep putting Beyonce in movies? It doesn't help. She's not a good actress. She just wants to pimp a song out to America that has a top grosser movie tie in. It's all about them Benjamins to these people. And do they need more? It's despicable really. That, and this movie looks like turds in a microwave set to defrost. You figure that one out.

4. Curious George - I like cartoons. I like Curious George books. But, surprisingly enough, these two likes mixed together doesn't appeal to me. So, I'm passing on this. I'm not a Curious Jaime about this movie.

5. Final Destination 3 - This is what we saw this weekend. The Sal came along with us. When I asked him to come along, you could have sworn he nutted in his pants. He really really wanted to see this. Did it stack up to the expectations? For us . . . we didn't have any, so yeah, sure. It was a piece of crap. I think the Sal enjoyed it. Personally, I enjoyed the vodka and Battlestar Galactica later that night . . . and I don't even like to drink.

6. Firewall - Surprisingly not about hackers, but about bank robbing, and having to save your family, and getting a really old guy to kick some ass. And he doesn't even have a bullwhip or a short little asian kid following him around everywhere he goes.

7. Freedomland - Sam Jackson as an asthmatic tough guy cop, Julianne Moore as a drug addict mother (again) and a carjacked car with (white) kid still inside in a black neighborhood. Why is this movie not higher up on the list. I mean, it's got a better premise than Crash does, and look at how great that crap movie did last year in terms of award nominations. It even weaseled it's way into my DVD collection.

8. Big Momma's House 2 - 60 million. For the sequel, which really, doesn't do anything new in the way of comedy. Just more fat woman jokes. I hope this is not a barometer for the intelligence and sense of humor of America. If it is, I'm moving to Canada.

9. When a Stranger Calls - Phone calls are scary, specially when they're from telemarketers that want to sell me life insurance. It's like they know something. Like they're trying to cash in on my inpending death. I doubt this movie is about that, but I'm sure it would have made more dough if it were called "When a Telemarketer Calls" because then, more people could relate to the plot.

10.Nanny McPhee - It's hard to find a story these days where the British Nanny doesn't shake children violently. This is one of those. Which makes it infinately dull and boring, because a movie without a shaken baby is just an hour and a half of happiness . . . and that's not the way the world works. Just ask anyone with a job. There is no such thing.

Paltrow Eats Babies

Ok, fine, maybe she doesn't technically eat babies, and the reason she's looking this rotund is because she's having another baby . . . but wouldn't it be funny if Gwyneth had gotten to Kirstey Alley (pre-Jenny Craig) proportions by consuming third world country babies under cover of humanitarian relief trips with her hippie rock star husband Chris Martin from Coldplay?

Wow, that was a long sentence. In any case, last time I saw (posted) a picture of Paltrow was back when she looked like an anorexic Lurch from the Addam's Family. Now, she looks like this. Hooray for diversity I guess.

Mischa Barton - Period-less

I guess when this chick's not on her monthly rag and she isn't stained with period blood . . . she can be ok looking. Specially when she's wearing a see-through dress with no bra on. Good for her I say. Way to embrace the feminist cause. Now we can all take her seriously. Because, nothing says serious actress like a see-through dress. But still, this is not enough to make me want to watch The OC on Fox. Mainly because I have a brain that is capable of cogniscent reasoning, but also because despite the fact that she's not ugly like Kirsten Dunst, she is just not appealing to me. That, and I hear she's 10 feet tall, and I have a strict "no giant woman" policy. Why do you think my wife is 5'5"-ish. So, for all the other people in the world, click on the picture. It'll make it bigger. Just make sure you don't splooge on your keyboard . . . too much.

Val "da Pimp" Kilmer

I don't know how Val Kilmer does it. I understand that he's rich and famous, but his face usually looks like it needs to shed 15 lbs . . . just his face. But here he is, getting busy with Winona Ryder and below, with Paris Hilton. Sure, canoodling with Paris Hilton is as easy as luring a hobo into a bear trap with some strawberry wine . . . but you still have to give Kilmer props. I do like the way that Hilton thinks that any action she does has to be a photo-op. What a whore. You can just picture her taking a shit and posing if a paparazo were to catch her in the act. She'd probably snuggle the photog as well.

Mix-Tape Generator 2/19/06

I like to make mix CD's from time to time because listening to a whole CD for one band/artist really bores me. Even if it's really good like that Gorillaz CD. I just lose interest in it. That's why I usually make my own mixes which draw upon recent things I've heard that I like, old things I have recently rediscovered in my personal iTunes playlist, or just things that piqued my interest. So, there's no real pattern here in the selections for this latest CD. I am doing this for a reason . . . well, maybe two reasons. #1, I tend to forget the names of the bands/songs that I put on these things, and since I delete the entry in my iTunes after I'm finished with it, the information is lost forever. So, most of the time, when someone asks me "Hey, who's this?" I, most of the time respond with an "I don't know". #2, since my music tastes are infallible, this also works as a suggestion list for you, the reader, to either go buy (shea right) or borrow (ie - steal) from the internet. So, here's my latest list, which has a touch of melancholy but has it's upbeat parts towards the middle.

1 - Strange And Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You) - Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful
2 - Baba O'Riley - The Who - Baba O'Reily
3 - Cigarettes & Alcohol - Teddy's Cheer Club - Teddy's Cheer Club (Demo)
4 - Cause = Time - Broken Social Scene - You Forgot It In People
5 - Succexy - Metric - Old World Underground
6 - Gravity - Embrace - Out of Nothing
7 - Hurt - Johnny Cash - The Man Comes Around
8 - The New Face Of Zero And One - New Pornographers - Electric Version
9 - Love Me Like You - The Magic Numbers - The Magic Numbers
10 - Let It Go - Teddy's Cheer Club - Teddy's Cheer Club (Demo)
11 - We Are Nowhere And It's Now - Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
12 - Can't Stop - The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Now I Got Worry
13 - Empty Room - Marjorie Fair - Empty Room (Single)
14 - I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay - Transcendental Highway
15 - Heavy (Remix) - The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Xtra - Acme USA
16 - My Coco - Stellastar - Stellastar
17 - Wait A Minute - The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Xtra - Acme USA
18 - Reach For The Sun - The Polyphonic Spree - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Soundtrack
19 - You're Beautiful - James Blunt - Back To Bedlam

Irk of the Day

I just spent the last 10 minutes trying to explain to someone how to copy and paste a link from an e-mail to their Internet Explorer web browser. It shouldn't have taken 10 minutes. This was a 30 second max set of instructions . . . but this guy just kept asking me to clarify. "How do I copy and paste? I right click, then left click, and when do I highlight". This is one of the most frustrating things that's happened to me this whole week. Nevermind the tedious IRS tax-filing fiasco from a couple of days ago. Nevermind the 500+ people before this guy that I talked to this week. This guy takes the cake.

"Sir, just right click on the highlighted area, then open an IE window, clear out the address on the address bar, right click on that address field and click on paste". This he has a problem with . . . but breathing, that he somehow manages to do just fine. People like this do not deserve to use the internet. They don't even deserve to look at a computer with longing eyes. I need to establish my tyranical reign over the world so I can save people who work in the tech suppport field from this type of a call.

So, in 2008, remember, Jaime for President. I'm running. If I can get off the couch long enough.

Flirtacious Adver-tyrant

This week brings you a new top dog post . . . but this time around, it's a little on the sexy side. Chicka-chicka-baw-bawm if you know what I mean. The vendor is called Flirty Lingerie and if you are looking for a place online to find all of those naughty things you need to outfit your sex life properly, I suggest you look in there. If you're just a pervert looking for pictures of models in revealing underwear, then I suggest you click in there as well. If you're a panty-sniffer . . . you're out of luck. I don't think they sell used underwear here. But, anyone else, please, click and buy.

Internal Rip-Off Service

My taxes have just been done. Thanks to my step-father who prepared them for me. The disconcerting part is . . . I owe the government money. This sucks major ass. And it's no fault of mine really. I lay the blame on Ultimate Staffing. They had their heads up their asses for most of 2005 apparently. They're the ones who got me the temp-to-never-hire gig at Earthlink. Now, they did not pay me much, and I know they were making double what I got paid. The thing is they would take like 4-5 bucks a week for Fed taxes and nothing for state taxes. At the time, I let it go, because I desperately needed the meager wages they were doling out.

Now though, it came back to bite me in the ass. Not just the asscheek, but the actual ass. I had no idea the IRS was into toothy rim-jobs. Anyway, we got it whittled down from 800+ to under 200 that I owe using the long form. The state, on the other hand, owes me 50 some bucks. Thank you governor Schwartzenneger. Cawifourniah is the greatest.

I also had to adjust my W4 form at work to ensure that this never happens again. Even though my current job is taking out the proper amount for the Feds, I went from 2 dependents to just 1, so I can at least get some money back next year. Sure, my paycheck just got a little smaller because of that, but I don't want to go through this headache again.

I do hope that some good comes out of this though. Things like the poverty-diet of 2001-2 which helped me drop a lot of weight. It's incredible how thin one can get when they don't have enough money to buy food. As it is now, I'm starting a coffee and ramen noodles diet. Why? Because I have tons of coffee at home and they have coffee here at work and it makes me forget that I'm hungry. And ramen noodles because they're usually 25 -35 cents a cup at the Super A Foods store. So, hopefully, this payment to the government will give me that edge I need to get back to 2002/3 proportions (body size-wise). The 2006 Jaime model is not up to my liking. Silver-lining folks. You have to notice it sometimes.

Declines of the Month

I have a couple of membership subscriptions to Columbia House and BMG. Things I should have cancelled a long time ago because I met the requirements (I'm looking at you BMG) but that I keep around because their outrageous prices amuse me. So, every month, I decline their "featured selection" or their "director's selection". This is a the latest thing I have said no to.

BMGmusic.com - Blink 182 Greatest Hits - If this were 1998, and I was a 16 year old girl with dreams of being a punk but wanting to stay within the confines of trendyness and the mainstream, then I would totally pay 18 bucks for a CD that has all the songs that my other Blink 182 CD's have already. Then again, it's not that time, and I am a man who loves stea . . . err . . . I mean borrowing music from Limewire or downloading the free selections from the iTunes music store, so I pass on this.

Columbiahouse.com (x2) - God of War - The "director's selection" of the month, on my 2 accounts with Columbia House. Why 2? Because I like even numbers. Duh. We'll, actually, about a year ago, I was looking for a quick way to get 5 DVD's for 49 cents, so I started a 2nd account with them. I had already fulfilled the obligations on the first account, of which I am a "preferred member", so now I have to buy 5 more DVD's before the end of this year, or they'll . . . umm . . . what will they do to me? Anyway, this movie is totally unappealing to me. Why is Nicolas Cage famous? Oh yeah, he's Francis Ford Coppola's nephew. Nepotism I tells you . . . alive and kicking in Hollywood. How else do you think that Sofia Coppola keeps getting directorial gigs. I've enjoyed her previous movies, but her Marie Antoinette with Kirsten Dunst just looks terrible. I do look forward to her head getting chopped off . . . ooops, did I just spoil the movie for you? Go read a history book you friggin idiots. The end to that movie was spoiled a few hundred years ago.

So, that went off on a tangent. See ya'lls next month then.

Special Trailer

It's a pretty slow week around the BAFW offices (we have offices??) and I wanted to post the link to this movie yesterday, but it was down most of the day. Lots of traffic going it's way. And deservedly so. This is a most unusual movie, that looks like it might become one of my favorite superhero movies out there . . . ever. Just looking at it makes me think of Frank Quitely work and the story, which is warped, reminds me of Grant Morrison or Garth Ennis (without the swearing). And what is it about before you click on the link below? It's about a man who starts taking an experimental drug at one of those medical research studies and he starts thinking that he develops superpowers. On the trailer you see his initial flights of fancy followed by the effects of his superheroics. Click on the link here and check it out. This is my favorite Michael Rappaport work so far, which is a lot to say, since I previously hated the guy. Ok, maybe not hate, but I did wish his left nut would rot off for his involvement in that terrible FOX sitcom that was scheduled between The Simpsons and Family Guy. You know, that half an hour of programming on Sunday nights where you usually either fell asleep or found something else to watch. Yeah, that show.

Seaching on a Hump-Day

I made sure to keep track of all searches since last week, and I'm sure I missed some, but you get the idea of what most people are searching for when they end up here. Multiples (I'm looking at you Rachel McAdams searches) are ommited.

wife fight nipple - Yahoo Search
rachel mcadams and nipple (hair) slip - Yahoo Search
"x-men 3" - Technorati
juggernaught picture - UK Google Search
Kate Beckinsale - NewsAmericaNow.com
porno mpg - Blog Search
paris hilton ufc nipple slip - Yahoo Search
anne hathaway - Blog Search
cameltoe - Technorati
fedex commercials with steve carrel - Google Search
paris hilton scratch crotch - Yahoo Search
actor role cast "Mark Rogers" - Google Search
"butt mucus" - Google Search
Mischa Barton Fom The "O.C." - Nipple slip - Google Search
wusses - MSN UK Search

Tech Support Solution of the Week

If you want to keep your computer safe and pristine . . . never use it. Just like the Catholic Church and the American Government, I preach computing-abstinence. If you never use it, you'll never get a virus. The computer will never crash. You will never have to call a Tech Support department and wait on hold for 30+ minutes.

Trust me, I know. This should be the last "Tech Support Solution of the Week" . . . if you follow my advice that is.

Tommy Lee Vs Detroit

Pictured above is a snapshot of Tommy Lee right after he got his ass handed to him by Eminem's posse (he hangs out with bounty-hunting cowboys?) after he made fun of Kid Rock. Those Detroit rappers really stick together huh? Even when one of them makes a country album, and country rap . . . and is a skinny skeezeball that somehow manages to bag hot chicks all the time. Oh well, who am I to impart good taste on band groupies. Anyway, the strangest part of this story, is the fact that Tommy Lee didn't whip out his 10 foot dong and use it like Donatello's bo stick and beat the crap out of his assailants. That's what I would have done anyway, if I could steer a boat with my schlong. I would have left cock-imprints on all those mofo's, right across their faces, so that when people asked them what happened, they would just drop down their heads in shame and answer "Just don't mess with Jaime".

Ashanti - Thunder Thighs

I was under the impression that Ashanti was ok looking. But then I saw this picture, and I thought to myself . . . I wonder if there's any lightning to go along with those thunder thighs of hers. And, when she performs on stage, does the audience really need to clap along to her tunes, or does the sound her thighs make when they clap against each other suffice? And, furthermore, is my sister-in-law going to make a comment about how I put the black woman down? Well wait and see on that one. Now, I know "da brothas" like a little cushion for the pushin' . . . but to me . . . that's just chubby mafia propaganda. That doesn't justify a steady diet of microwaveable burritos and sticks of butter which Ms Ashanti seems to be consuming at an alarming rate. Maybe she's trying to reach Janet Jackson proportions in an effort to become a "big star". Someone needs to drop Ashanti a memo (wrapped in bacon so she can notice it) telling her that she doesn't actually have to be big to be a big star.

EDIT: I have to specify (at the behest of someone I know that can kick my ass) that this post is entirely about Ashanti and people reading it should not read too much into it and think that it's about them. So I repeat, this is not about you. Unless you're Ashanti, in which case, I'm glad you were able to put down the pork-rinds for a second to read my blog.

New Week, New Top Ten

Time for the weekly rundown on this past weekend's big movies. A couple of openings taking the first few spots this week. Let's take a looksie.

1. The Pink Panther
2. Final Destination 3
3. Curious George
4. Firewall
5. When a Stranger Calls
6. Big Momma's House 2
7. Nanny McPhee
8. Brokeback Mountain
9. Hoodwinked
10.Underworld: Evolution

What was it last week that was terrible but was still making a mint at the box office? Oh yeah, Big Momma's House 2. That's down to 6 which puts the National Security Alert Level back at yellow, but it's replaced by the awful remake of The Pink Panther, starring Steve Martin. Beyonce Knowles is also in this, along with the poor Jean Reno, who should know better than taking money to make a terrible movie. Steve Martin I can understand. He needs money so he can make quirky indies like last year's Shopgirl. Final Destination 3 also opened this weekend, inventively killing enough teens to make it into the #2 spot. Not too shabby I guess, but who was intereted in seeing this . . . again? Oh yeah, the Sal was.

For the kids, Curious George premiers at #3, which means nothing to me since I'm totally not interested in watching this. I'm no longer 4 years old, but I do love monkies. Hmm . . . dilemma. No, wait, Drew Barrymore (voice) is in this, so that turns me off completely. And no, she's not playing the monkey.

Harrison Ford shuffles his way to 4th place with his bank heist movie. I might have been interested in this movie if he had made it 20 years ago . . . but seeing a 60 something year old take on a band of criminals is just a little too much for me to believe. Maybe if the criminals were also old, and had missed the early bird dinner specials at Denny's and they could not fight back because they were so hungry. Then, maybe Harrison Ford could have taken them out.

The rest of the countdown is full of forgettable films, and one movie that the audiences of America just can't quit on. Yes . . . Broke-Behymen Mountain. The gay sheepherder movie. I don't know what the big deal about this movie is. It's just gay people. Anyone can take a drive out to West Hollywood and check out gay dudes in cowboy hats riding each other on the streets. Don't have to pay 10 bucks at a movie theater to see this.

Rushed Movie 3

So, question. What do you get when you have good direrctors drop out of your project only to be replaced by a shitty one, a rushed and impossible to commit to release schedule that could only lead to a mediocre movie at best, and the shittiest costume/make up this side of Fantastic Four? Well, if you said X-Men 3: The Last Stand, then you get a gold star. This was a good franchise under the direction of Brian Singer, but then they got Brett Ratner in there, and you can see the result. Just look at Colossus. He looks ever worse than Tim Story's Doctor Doom. And that was, I thought at the time, the lowest point in Marvel's filmed history. Even worse than that dreadful Captain America movie. But, I was wrong. Which doesn't happen very often really. Have I told you about my IQ? It's off the charts. Anyway, that's a story for another posting. Just check out the rest of pictures over at the Dark Horizons site. Plenty of Beast in suit, Wolverine making out with Jean Grey, and what would appear to be Morlock prostitutes/strippers . . . or whatever. And did they use a blue magic marker this time around for Mystique's (lack there-of) costume?

Me Vs Darwin Award Customer

Me: Thank you for calling Xxxxx Tech Support, can I have your client number please
Darwin Award Customer (Dac): I don't have one of those, I'm just a home user
Me: Everyone gets one of those after they register their accounts. You get that with your user name & password.
DAC: Well, let me tell you my problem and then we can go from there.
Me: Sorry sir, I need to see your account and then we can help you with your problem.
DAC: Can you find me with my name?
Me: Sure (Search for his name, he doesn't tell me that there is a middle initial and I find 6 other people with the same name, eventually, we find his account with his e-mail address).
DAC: My program is not updating. I'm getting a message telling me that it's out of date.
Me: Are you entering the right user name and password sir?
DAC: Yes, and I have it set to update automatically every day at 3.
Me: 3pm or 3am sir?
DAC: 3am.
Me: And your computer is on at that time?
DAC: No, I turn it off every night.
Me: If the computer is off when you set the program to update, it can't do that update at the time you specified sir.
DAC: Oh, it can't?
Me: No sir, what we need to do is e-mail you with instructions on how to reconfigure your updates to a time when your computer is on or whenever you log into the internet.
DAC: Well, can't you tell me now?
Me: Sir, your single license does not get you free phone support.
DAC: *sighs* I'll wait for the e-mail then.
Me: Thank you for calling Xxxxx Tech Support, have a nice evening.

Sometimes I just want to shake them like a British-nanny shakes a baby. I don't know how these people manage to breath and walk at the same time, much less punch the correct numbers on a touchtone telephone to get to me to annoy me with this type of an issue. Idiots.

Adver-Tyrant of the Week

Welcome to another week, and another attempt to drum up some cash from my readers . . . all three of you's. This week's featured advertiser will hook you up with any cellphone accesories that you might need. Lighted batteries, check. Hello Kittie cellphone covers, check(?), lighter-power adaptors . . . you get the picture. Anthing you might need to trick out/pimp out your cellie, just click on the link on this post, or the one in the sidebar. Cellular Factory has some good prices available as well, and I get kicked back a percentage of the sales. If I don't get a nice amount of money from these people, then this guy'll go hungry.
You don't want to make him go hungry do you? I mean, just look at him. He'll be sad forever if you don't click on the banner in this post. If you don't do it for me, then do it for the dog (canine sympathy generator program ending).

Lost Recap 2/9/06

Last night's episode of Lost was quite the doozy. Titled "The Long Con" it is a Sawyer-centric episode in which he goes back to being hated by literally everyone in the island. He, and the viewers, don't seem to mind that. The thing is, Sawyer does not work as a good guy. He works as someone to be hated but he comes in handy from time to time. In this episode, he pretty much cons everyone, both in his flashback, and in the present, and ends up with money and guns in both parallel storylines. In the past, he cons a divorcee out of $600,000 in cash and makes her think that she's in on the con. Watching Sawyer work this woman over is like appreciating a fine painting. You can see the craftsmanship, the follow through, the utter lack of emotion that he brings to his job.

While on the island, he manages to orchestrate a grand scheme to get his hands on the guns by using Charlie, who was recently disgraced by Locke, to fake a kidnap attempt on Sun. This sets Jin off and he goes to Jack to get guns who has been told by Kate that AnaL might have been in on the kidnap attempt, but not before she unwittingly sent Sawyer to warn Locke, whom was followed by Charlie all in a cleverly plotted scheme to get the guns. If this sounds a little confusing, then it's because Sawyer saw the beginning and end all at once and played it like a game of chess.

I'm glad that everyone hates Sawyer again. Him being chummy with everyone just feels wrong. Some side-plot in this episode dealt with Hurley trying to cheer up Sayed by giving him the short-wave radio, which he repaired, and was able to pick up 1940's big band music. Interesting, but it's probably nothing.

Beauty and the Beast

Whatever Jessica Simpson lacks in mental prowess she surely makes up for in total overall hotness. Most men would gladly overlook the utter ditziness emanating from her person just to fondle her and play hide the salami. She'd probably ask you what type of meat the salami is made out of. If the same stupid/blazing hot correlation applies to horrid looking women, then her friend pictured above must be Einstein reborn. She has to be, quite liteally, one of the smartest women in the world. Now, before I get a storm of e-mail and negative messages, just remember, I did call her smart. So it's like a compliment. It's not my fault she looks like shit. If this outrages you, then closely examine that see-through dress Simpson is wearing. Yeah, now . . . what were you mad about again?

Best. Magazine. Cover. Ever.

The new Vanity Fair magazine hitting the stands soon will be sporting this cover, that will, in turn, make men sport something hard in their pants. Yup, that's Keira Knightly AND Scarlett Johanssen naked . . . at the same time. OK, I know that everything is supposed to be tastefully done and that the adult parts are strategically covered (like the Kate Beckinsale sex scene in Underworld: Evolution), but this picture is just one imaginative brainstorm away from having those two rolling around on the floor, making out with each other. And who is the luckiest man in the world pictured with the two? Whoever he is, I really hope he's not gay. I mean, what a waste. Like Isaac Mizrahi fondling Scarlett's boobies last month. What's the point really. Anyway, I'm off to daydream for a bit.

Mid-Week Search Filler

Another week, another search term post. These things write themselves, so, let's dive in.

Mariah Carey nipple slip - Yahoo Search (Walrus nipples are sexy).
keira knightly nipple slip - Yahoo Search (All nipple, no boob).
paris hilton nipple at ufc - Yahoo Search (5th Horseman of the apocalypse boob).
fergie pissing herself - Yahoo Search (Classic boobless posting).
scarlet johanssen's titties - Google Search (National Asset boobs).

Those are the searches left behind after all those TS25 visits. They kinda pushed all those Rachel McAdams search queries past the 5th page, and therefore, into search oblivion. But don't worry, I still get the weird combinations of Rachel McAdams, Nipple, Hairy, Wardrobe, and Malfunction popping up in my Sitemeter. I have a funny feeling deep inside (and it's not indigestion) that I will be seeing those types of searches popping up for a long time. Specially when I keep talking about it. Come on pervos, bring it on. I got whatchoo want.

You Owe Me 10 Bucks

I just saved you a trip to the movies. Yes, I really just did, just wait for it though. By now you might have heard about the Basic Instinct sequel coming out this year. Hollywood has resorted to remakes or continuations of movies that really necessitated no sequel. Much like this one. I was even wondering if they would replace Sharon Stone with someone younger, maybe hotter. Or just CGI all the wrinkles out. But, the clip you're about to check out makes me wonder what deal with the devil she cut, because she does not look like the 85 year old I had pictured her looking like. So, what can you expect . . . boobs, guns, car crashes, sex in public places, menage a trois, some auto-erotic asphixiation, hair pulling, some blood (from the neck, not the coochie . . . yuck), cameltoe, and Stone picking up an ice pick again. The movie is titled "Basic Instinct II: Risk Addiction". Click on that to check out the Quicktime promo. You can forward the money I saved you to my paypal if you want. Heck, I'll charge you matinee price. 5 bucks to jponce25@gmail.com.

Of course, I could never enforce that demand, but a man can dream, can't he?

Nipple-Topia - Slutsylvanian Edition

In case you're wondering what the population of this mystical place called Slutsylvania is, well . . . it equals one. Paris Hilton is the sole citizen and it's chief export (amongst VD that is). This week's Paris Hilton nipple slip was caught by people watching some Pay Per View UFC fight. I guess Paris' boobies wanted to get in the mix and defeat manly men with viruses. And just look at the woman in the background. She can't even get a good look of the boob in question, but that expression just speaks volumes of what she thinks of Slutsylvania's first Lady (we're using the term "Lady" loosely here . . . just like her legs).

AnaL Lost Spoiler

A bit of spoiler-age for fans of Lost, but who hate the character of Ana Lucia (AnaL for short) played by Michelle Rodriguez. Seems she's out as soon as the writers of the show can script her death. According to my wife, this comes not a moment too soon. She hates her toothy face and constant grimace-style of acting. Anyway, here's a link to the article so you can read up on it.

The Fix is Back (411-Edition)

If you were anything like me, then you were freaking out this afternoon when BAFW was down because of some Blogger downage. Yeah, no need to tie that noose around your neck. We're (by we're, I mean me and the voices in my head) back, with more putdowns, making fun of's, and whatever it is we fill this blog with. Oh, and this is post #411, so I figure I should drop some info on you.

This blog has been in existance for close to 9 months, which means, I could have had a baby in the time that I have been writing here. Not out of my make belief vagina mind you, but out of my wife's real one. There has been over 25,000 visits to this blog, and only 15,000 of those were me checking to see if someone had posted something about what I write. Yeah, I'm self-concious like that. Want to fight about it?

I think I have made a total of 60 bucks (American . . . none of that Canadian "funny money") which I have invested in . . . well . . . actually, given back to Visa & Mastercard. Those bastards know where I live. They're threatening to break my fingers if you people don't start clicking on my ads and buying shit via my links. Seriously. If you enjoy this blog, patronize my advertisers. And not in that patronizing sort of way. Don't be assholes.

Oh, and "Clever Tees"'s reign of terror officially ends as of this post. It will be replaced by another featured merchant of the week starting monday. Enjoy the advertising free top post while it lasts, bitches.

Clever Tees

I used to have a pretty well stocked stable of "conversation starter" tees back in the day. Most were vintage'y shirts, with funny prints, clever plays on words, and the such. My wardrobe has fallen into disrepair ever since I got married, since now, I am no longer the focus of all of my expenses. I have other things to worry about than having a cool t-shirt. But, for those out there who aren't, and are looking for something that will make them look cool I suggest you check out these sites.

They're both pretty cool sites to find anything you're looking for in the manner of t-shirts that most people won't have or can't get at their Old Navy store. Pfft . . . Old Navy. I hate that place. Anyway, check them out, buy a lot, and wear your t-shirts proudly. Unless it's winter time, like now, then PalmerCash can hook you up with some nice jackets. Happy shopping.

Oh, and this will be at the top of the posts until Friday. Why? Because I said so. Click on the picture links, whip out the credit/debit cards . . . and make me rich, biatch!

Moby Dick: Finally Caught

It seems everyone should be congratulating Captain Ahab for finally getting that damn white whale onto a deck of a ship. Not the largest of ships, as a yacht doesn't usually make for a good whaling vessel, but he did it. Congratulations.

What? That's not the white whale? That's Mariah Carey? No friggin way? And here I thought that Ahab had slipped on some bikini-shaped nets to ridicule the captured beast. I wonder why Mariah has let herself go like this. Maybe she's pregnant? Or maybe she's having a love affair with donuts? Not the ones with the holes though, I'm sure she likes the eclair'y looking ones. Cream filled, if you catch my drift *wink*.

Underworld: Evolution Sex Scene

I was going to come up with something witty for the title of this entry, but seriously, who needs that. It's Kate Beckinsale making moany faces and baring some skin. Unfortunately for the people anxiously waiting for some boobage is that all the naughty bits are strategically covered by arms or Scott Speedman. Blegh. Anyway, it's worth a watch. I guess this is the reason Evolution is better than the original one.

Search Terms - Digest Edition

Lot of traffic going through my Sitemeter lately. Mostly from TS25 which is great, but it's not great fodder for search term blog posts. I'll go through the few but memorable ones listed this week in there.

jaime - Search MSN (Bill Gates knows where my blog lives . . . scary).
rachel mcadams wardrobe malfunction - Yahoo Search (this blog has become the clearing house for these types of searches. If you don't believe me, just check the following).
Rachel McAdams hairy nipple - Yahoo Search (See, I told you).
rachel mcadams nipple slip - Yahoo Search (*shrugs*).

And, a special search entry for the week. One of the most popular pictures that people look for. And it does not surprise me. It's a classy one. Here it is, in all it's centered glory.

Fierce! Armpit

Just how do you become a top model? Well, everthing you do must be "fierce!". Every aspect of your being has to be "fierce!". Even when you go out in public and decide to be disgusting, it has to be "fierce!". Just look at that armpit. It looks like she's got a camel toe in a headlock. Watching the close up insert gives me the heebie jeebies after a while. It's like Watto's chin from Phantom Menace. I expect that since it is a photograph, it was not able to catch the swarm of flies I'm currently envisioning circling that mishapen mass of stubbled epidermis.

I have no particular attraction to Tyra Banks to tell you the truth. Sure, she was alright 10 years ago, but these days, she's just taken a dive south appearance wise, and that ego of hers is also out of hand. I guess this is one of those lessons she needs to impart on her model acolytes. Be yourself girls. Have a patch of hair in the pit of your arms that rivals the two bearded dudes from ZZ Top . . . combined.

Strange Request

Sometimes, here at work, we get some funny e-mail coming in requesting tech support. Like the e-mail below, whose typo is specially funny, because the tech who handled the e-mail could not possibly fulfill her request. She just doesn't have the appropiate equipment. Look for the bolded word, then laugh.

I love XXXXX and when you sent out a free one to use.....I downloaded it.
I have since had to reformat, I can't seem to get the one you sent to me back.

How do I get it back and is there a dick you can send me? I have a 98 and have to reformat a lot.

The newer XXXXX's are to big for my 98 so I can't download them.
I'm on a fixed income and at this time. I can't get an XP and this is what I would have to have to download the newest XXXXX.

The one you sent to me....was for live with upgrade's. I sure do want it back. PLEASE.

I'm using a free one now and I really don't trust it like I did my XXXXX.

Thank You! XxxxxX

X's are replacing product name & the customer.

Academy Award Nomination

Best Picture:
"Brokeback Mountain" - Gay Cowboys are all the Rage.
"Capote" - Effiminate men are all the Rage.
"Crash" - Over rated racial melodramas are all the Rage.
"Good Night, and Good Luck" - B&W is all the Rage.
"Munich" - Killing palestinians is all the Rage.

Actor:
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Capote" - Squeaky voicebox love.
Terrence Howard, "Hustle & Flow" - Pimp love.
Heath Ledger, "Brokeback Mountain" - Sheep-herder love with other sheep-herder.
Joaquin Phoenix, "Walk the Line" - Addict love.
David Strathairn, "Good Night, and Good Luck" - Commie love.

Actress:
Judi Dench, "Mrs. Henderson Presents" - Wrinkles are sexy.
Felicity Huffman, "Transamerica" - Trannies are the new pink.
Keira Knightley, "Pride & Prejudice" - Hot chicks playing frumpy chicks are the Rage
Charlize Theron, "North Country" - Hot chicks playing frumpy chicks are the Rage . . . when they're sexually discriminated on.
Reese Witherspoon, "Walk the Line" - The Academy loves chins. Huge chins.

Supporting Actor:
George Clooney, "Syriana" - Director, Actor, Supporting Actor, playboy, can this man do everything?
Matt Dillon, "Crash" - Racism is hot these days.
Paul Giamatti, "Cinderella Man" - Old timey boxing coaches are hot these days.
Jake Gyllenhaal, "Brokeback Mountain" - Gays have been hot since the days of Sparta.
William Hurt, "A History of Violence" - Jewish gangstas . . . otherwise known as jengstas . . . are hot these days.

Supporting Actress:
Amy Adams, "Junebug" - Nobody saw this, good chance to win.
Catherine Keener, "Capote" - Why not her work on 40 Year Old Virgin?
Frances McDormand, "North Country" - You have to consider she was also in Aeon Flux.
Rachel Weisz, "The Constant Gardener" - She's not Mexican enough to star in a movie with the word "Gardener" on it.
Michelle Williams, "Brokeback Mountain" - Her husband kisses Jake Gyllenhal. It takes acting to handle that.

Director:
Ang Lee, "Brokeback Mountain" - If he had made the Hulk gay, it would have done better in the box office.
Bennett Miller, "Capote"
Paul Haggis, "Crash" - Jeebus, this movie is like an annoying STD, it keeps popping up but it's not even all that great.
George Clooney, "Good Night, and Good Luck" - George Clooney is also getting nominated for film God this year.
Steven Spielberg, "Munich" - Did the Israeli hitmen have to kill ET?

There are other categories, but who cares really. These are the big ones. Discuss.