Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen wear Bikinis, confuse Penises

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were recently spotted enjoying some bikini time on their own (don't ask me which is which, I don't have my DNA test kit on me) in Australia. While I know they look like a strange mix of E.T. and a troll doll from time to time, most of these pictures are super-blurry, which is helping me stop focusing on that preconceived image of them, and is actually drawing my attention to the bikini portion of the pictures. So it's only natural to post these pictures, because that's what I do around here. I post pictures of Hollywood stars in bikinis. Right? I know, I'm still trying to convince myself this was a good idea . . .

Even though the blurriness is making me forget about their faces, they twins are still not built like actual women. It makes me feel a little wrong to check these pictures out. Kind of like driving past a Catholic school for young teenage girls. You know you shouldn't look, but you still do anyway. So, all of this is confusing my penis. I hope the rest of you aren't having such a troubled time right now. For those that are into the Olsen twins (I know you're out there), this must be a wank-off dream.

Sexy Gollum? No, that's Ashley Olsen

So, I don't know what makes someone pose for the camera looking like this (to the right), but it's probably the water in Mexico. This must be some weird variation of Montezuma's revenge. She was probably chewing on some ice (because you know how much the Olsen twins love calories) and has been diarreahing it up for 5 days straight . . . which, by the way, is a great way to lose weight . . . and now can't help but walk around like this. Her butthole must be on fire. Which is why, in the picture below, she's trying to get a sea-breeze to cool it off. That's really the only reasonable explanation I can come up with. And since I have a PhD in Knowing it All, I think you should go with what I'm telling you. I can't be wrong, specially if the reader is a woman.


Head on out to The Superficial, who's got a ton of pictures of this. More so than I am willing to swipe from them and post here.