The Mystery of Madonna's Freaky Arms Explained

Hatchi matchi! Looks at those guns. I think Madonna might actually be a terminator sent back from the future to adopt as many African babies as it can to bring forth some sort of an apocalypse. It looks like instead of muscles, there are pistons and gears hard at work mimicking normal human arm movements. But, this handy picture pretty much reassures the populace that Madonna is indeed human. All of that weird shit is apparently normal. Hey, you might even have all of that in your arms too. I hope they don't look that bad.

Madonna's Vagina - Purse Endorser

Not sure how, or actually why, the Louis Vuitton company got Madonna's crotch to endorse their handbags. Is anyone seeing this and thinking "Oooh! It's Madonna's panty-covered vag' . . . I need me a new purse!". But hey, I'm not a genius in marketing, but I have a suggestion for their next ad campaign. Maybe don't ransack a museum next time for the freshest looking mummified remains and go with someone that . . . fuck it, anyone else will do. I'm pretty sure this ad will not make Guy Ritchie buy Louis Vuitton shit.

You Don't Fuck Madonna, Madonna Fucks You

For once, I feel sorry for Guy Ritchie. That bag Madonna is holding contains something called "The Purple Penetrator". Look it up online. But, if you're lazy like me, then you're just hankering for some 'splainin'.

Strap it on and slip it in!! 6″ dildo with adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes. Comes with perfectly positioned vibrating bullett to give the wearer clitoral stimulation whilst pleasuring her mate!

Oh yeah, Madonna is into strap ons. And you know Ritchie is not putting this on in the front. He's already equipped with a actual flesh penetrator. No, this is for Madonna. I'll let your imagination figure out where this toy goes.




In Guy Ritchie's butt.

Richest Bitches

Forbes magazine posted their list of "Richest Women" of 2006. Here's the top 10.

1. Oprah Winfrey: Net Worth (in $ millions): 1,500
2. J.K. Rowling: 1,000
3. Martha Stewart: 638
4. Madonna: 325
5. Celine Dion: 250
6. Mariah Carey: 225
7. Janet Jackson: 150
8. Julia Roberts: 140
9. Jennifer Lopez: 110
10. Jennifer Aniston: 110

Yea, Oprah Winfrey is worth 1.5 Billion dollars. Closely followed by (if you can consider a paltry 500 million "close") Harry Potter scribe J.K. Rowling. That pact with the devil's working out for you, huh. Martha Stewart comes in a distant 3rd, which goes to show you . . . even an ex-con can make good in America. If they're white. And a woman. And were rich before they went in to prison. The rest of the list is populated by the usual suspects. Most of them are music performers and actresses (or acting musician combos). No professional women. What can we learn from this list? You don't need a fancy degree to make it in this world. School's for fools.

One last thing. I would not fuck a single one of these women, despite their enormous wealth. I'll do pretty much anything for money . . . but putting my penis in any of their orifices is out of the question.