Opening Weekend Movies - 5/11/07

28 Weeks Later - This is my pick of the weekend, although, it won't get number 1 at the box office. "Spider-Man 3" is still running around, emptying the pockets of America. But, this movie should be at least pretty good. The first one was a bit of a surprise, and I actually watched it twice in the theaters. I'm not expecting a repeat of that with this new installment, but I might go either this weekend (if my work schedule allows it) or during one of my days off during the week.

Delta Farce - Wow. That Larry the Cable Guy is still making movies. And for who? This guy is pretty much a joke here in the west coast. And not a very funny one at that. Actually, his whole blue collar comedy schtick should only work in landlocked states. States where the people have gun-racks in their pick-up trucks. States that I don't really want to visit. I have an idea. Only release these types of turds in those States, and save us the trouble of having to watch the trailers whenever we go watch movies. Fuck you Larry the Cable Guy.

The Ex - Oh Zach Braff, you used to be funny. Now, you're in all of these romantic comedies, and it just feels like you're trying to make "Garden State" all over again. That was a once in a lifetime movie man. Stop staring into the camera while some hipster music plays in the background. This should be the "date" movie of the weekend. Otherwise known as "the price to pay for pussy". We've all been there.

Georgia Rule - Hey, it's the movie where Lindsay Lohan pissed off the President of Morgan Creek productions? That's pretty much the most interesting thing about the movie. That, and she fakes fellatio to a guy in a rowboat. Whatever. I hate Lindsay Lohan movies. They're just so trite. And she's looking pretty tired too. Like all of these past few years of partying and snorting various substances into her nasal cavities are aging her prematurely. She actually looks like Jane Fonda's slutty sister in this movie. Fans of geriatric porno, rejoice.

Everyone Wants a Piece of Simpson

It seems that everyone in Hollywood wants a piece of the now divorced (or is still in progress, who cares) Jessica Simpson. I've read a couple of reports lately. The first one involves Zach Braff, who just recently broke up with Mandy Moore. He was spotted over at a club called Hyde on the 8th of June consuming copious amounts of alcohol and trying to "get with" Simpson. The next incident involves Jared Leto (who is not gay as a goat . . . don't believe everything you see on AOL) who met up with Jessica at Hyde (I'm starting to see a trend here) on the 2nd of June and managed to get her number. A few days later, they met up at Double Seven, and most likely spent the night banging away. Jessica probably thought they were playing Doctor or something, since Leto probably told her to open wide for his meat thermometer.

So, why is everyone trying to fuck Jessica Simpson? Maybe because she's so dumb that you can tell her that you're part of the FBI, which stands for Female Body Inspectors.

Any man - "It's a government thing Ms. Simpson. We need to inspect your body, including all cavities".
Jessica Simpson - "Well, gee gosh willikers Mr. FBI, do what you gotta do."

It must be that easy.