Gyllenhaal - Party Monster

That Jake Gyllenhaal is one crazy motherfucker (yes, he fucked your mother). These are pictures of a pre-Oscar celebrity elbow-rub & hobnob that Ang Lee took part of. I'm pretty sure the Brokeback Mountain director did not think that he was going to have Gyllenhaal's scene-stealing antics to deal with, but there you go. Seems Gyllenhaal had a little too much to drink before the Oscar festivities commenced, and this is the end result. Enjoy the pictures.


I wish I knew how to quit you Ang.

Nacho Libre Advanced Screening

The Sal, my wife and I managed to get advanced screening tickets to the new Jack Black Mexican wrestling opus: "Nacho Libre" tonight. We got them from those guys that give out the free movie screening tickets outside of theater multiplexes. You know the guys, the ones that pester you to go see the latest Hollywood studio bullshit. This was a clear exception. I had seen the trailer for this movie, and from what I had seen . . . it seemed OK. Finally, a Jack Black movie that I could get excited about.

The day itself could not have provided the worst environment to standing in line. If you're in the Los Angeles area, then you know that it began raining today. Again. It sucked. But thankfully, we weren't in the rain for too long. We spent only about a half an hour out in the cold with a bunch of Hollywood hipsters who shook like little chihuahas in the rain.

We were ushered into a theater in the middle of the Paramount Studios off of Melrose and Gower. We got some decent seats not too close to the screen, and waited another half an hour for the movie to begin. At least we were out of the elements this time though. Soon enough, some dude ran up to the front and let us know that we were the first ever crowd to check out this rough cut of the movie. They informed us that some of the effects were not finished. The music was a temp track, and the color on some of the scenes were not fully coordinated yet. No problem we think. It's a free movie.

The movie starts and it's got all the quirky sensibilities that Napoleon Dynamite (same director) had mixed in with Jack Black's comic timing. The guy, when left up to his own devices, is a comic idiot savant. He nails the Mexican accent 50% of the time, the rest, it kind of crumbles on him . . . but you don't care. It's so funny seeing him interacting with Steven (Esqueleto) and the scenes with the orphans that you can forgive this minor flaw in the movie.

Now, this is a Nickelodeon Studios feature, but it's not extremely geared towards children. There is no swearing, no nudity, and only some high school'y romance overtones between Black and Ana de la Reguera's (a Penelope Cruz look-a-like) character. She plays a nun, which makes it funnier to see Nacho's advances towards her. And yes, he plays a friar . . . but it ends up with a happy ending that does not involve some Black on Nun sex.

The Mexican wrasslin' scenes are a hoot. Seeing all this Mexican-style Lucha Libre totally puts the American stuff to shame. There's just so much more show-manship to it. It's less drama and more acrobatics. I specially enjoyed the scene with the two devil midgets. Fantastic shit.

I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone . . . but you know that Good will always triumph over Evil . . . so make your own deductions. Is it worth paying your hard earned cash to see this? Abso-fuckin-lutely. If you enjoyed Napoleon Dynamite, then you'll get a kick out of this. Even "Pedro" is in it, in a friar-cameo role. For those with children . . . can you take your kids to see this when it comes out? Hell yes. Take them twice. Jack Black needs to make more of these kinds of movies. Movies that have him running around acting like an ass and not caring that the story is some rehashed crap. This will make you forget about that Orange County movie. Maybe, even erase Envy from your scarred psyche. Possibly not, but it will help you sleep at night.

Lohan Party Etiquette

Yes, that's a blond (not my preferred look for her) Lindsay Lohan in that picture, hanging out with some gal-pals. Oh, and yes, that's a ginormous water bong sitting in the table in front of them, flanked by water/soda bottles. To fight the cotton-mouth of course. This comes from The Superficial and they have more pictures of Lohan class'ing it up all over the place with friends. Pictures include: pretend digital vaginal oral sex, plenty of fingers being flipped, a struggle with a champagne bottle and . . . if you look closely, you might even see a line of cocaine sitting around one of the tables. I'm not a Lohan'ologist, so I don't know how old she was when she was "rockin" the blond look, but I'm willing to bet she was not 21 at the time. Draw your own conclusions/inferences after the click. Or, if you prefer, jump to conclusions now and proclaim that she is a drunken, pot smoking, cocaine snorting, underage wannabe lesbian slut. Go ahead. It's America. People can say that. So long as they put "allegedly" at the end. Allegedly.

The Future?

Somebody at work sent this to me. I think he's hinting at something. I don't know, it's kind of almost too subtle. Like there's something I need to decipher. Some enigma that's hidden in the subtext. I've never been great at reading between the lines, so I'll continue to study this picture in hopes of getting what he meant to communicate to me.

Oh yeah, that's right, he thinks I'm whipped because I get a ton of calls at work from my wife. Hey, who knows, maybe I am. I have become fairly domesticated. But I don't think that I'm that far gone . . . yet. And lets face it, like Fred Durst wisely said "I did it all for the nookie". Sure, there's love there as well, but the nookie is unbeatable.

The Foamy Proof - Hermione Still Drunk

I rarely do follow ups here on BAFW, but someone had raised doubt on the validity of the picture of Emma Watson just about to sip the Corona in the previous post. Well, here's a picture of her right after finishing that Corona, and below you'll find another picture of her boozing it up with a couple of her youngster friends. This should squash any doubt and teach you not to question my hard hitting and investigative style of reportage. Process the proof in your head and conjecture away as to when she will be participating in her first all midget gangbang. My money's on 16 1/2.

2nd Week in Malton - UrbanDead Update

My 2nd week in Malton with my Fireman "SteelSimian" has been much more productive than my previous outings. I remain @ 50 hit points, have increased my fire axe attacks to 40% accuracy, and am at level 4 currently. Here's what's in my inventory:

Fire Axe
Wirecutters
First Aid Kit
Crucifix
Newspaper
Flak Jacket
Shotgun w/2 shells loaded
Extra Shotgun Shells (x3)
Pistol Clip x2

My skills include: Hand-to-Hand Combat w/axe proficiency, free running & body building (60 hit points max). I'm in the suburb of Crowbank, in the Dane Street Police Dept. The Burt Square Police Dept 1 block southeast of us has had the barricades torn down somehow, and zombies are currently crawling in there. When I get my AP's up, I'm going zombie hunting.

Nugget of Fatherly Wisdom

I don't think about my father much these days. But this, for some odd reason, started to pop into my mind and it's been mulling in there for a couple of minutes. And since mulling about stuff usually drives me bat-shit crazy, I need to get it out of my system.

My father was a very bright, ambitious, and rather misguided individual. I say "was" even though he's still alive. I don't talk to him or maintain any sort of communication with him. But that's another story. Even though he was all that, he had some strange notions about the future. Often when I was a young kid, I would ask him why we didn't have a home personal computer. For some reason, he was against the whole notion of computers and would often tell me that those who did not know how to use them would eventually rule the world. Thinking back to those days when I would be told this from time to time I can't help but doubt the intelligence behind that statement.

It's clear that to succeed in this world you need a working knowledge of computing. Nothing much is done on paper these days. I don't even cash checks, it's all directly deposited into my bank account and then I go online and pay bills directly from the online banking site so that I don't have to write checks or waste money on stamps. So that nugget of wisdom has become as obsolete as my relationship (or lack thereof) that I used to have with my dear ol' pops.

Maybe I'll post more things about him in the near future, and believe you me, if it indeed does come to the point within my lifetime where people who don't know how to turn on a computer are running things, then I will post a full detractionary posting on this blog . . . but chances are I won't have to.

Better Late than Never - Search Terms

I realize that this is a Wednesday feature on BAFW, and that today is not Wednesday. Fuck you and your details. It's late this week, but just look at this list. It keeps getting better and better.

academy snow urinal handcuff picture navy - Google Search - Hazing goodness.
"underworld evolution sex scene" - Yahoo Search - Strategically placed extremities goodness.
lost spoiler (x5) - Google Search - Televised goodness.
Antonio Banderas, Angelina Jolie in the bed, video clip - UK Google Search - Akin to a car crash goodness.
olympic nipple slip - Yahoo Search - Go for the gold goodness.
daniel radcliffe's penis - Yahoo Search - Oh my goodness.
Val Kilmer Paris Hilton - Blog Search - Over the hill banging slut goodness.
mischa barton - Blog Search - OC giant goodness.
pictures of figure skaters panty shots - Yahoo Search - Silver medalist goodness.
rachel mcadams blog hairy nipple - Yahoo Search - Sasquatchy goodness.
shizuka skating "nipple slip" - Google Search - Bronze areola goodness.
johnny cash when the man comes around right-click - Google Search - Drunken goodness.
al pacino and toupee and two for the money - Google Search - Over-acted goodness.
Mila Jovovich Ultra Violet Comic BackStory - Google Search - Eraserhead nipple goodness.
jaime lining - Google Search - WTF?
clip of the basic instinct crotch scene - Google Search - Dried up goodness.
bra blogs - Blog Search - Restraining goodness.
picture and sheep and sick bastard - Google Search - Bestiality goodness.
cameron diaz in her shoes screencaps - Google Search Peru? - South American foot fetishist goodness.
"vanity fair" "scarlet johanssen" - Google Search - Utopian goodness.
"war at home" nipslip - Canadian Google Search - Unwatchable crappy goodness.
family guy "ramen noodles" - Google Search - 4 for a dollar goodness.
cocaine's terrible side - Yahoo Seach - Blow'n away goodness.
blogspot.com + asia argento + last days + land of the dead - Google Search - Undead goodness.
diy lure coursing - Google Search - Fishing goodness.
special trailer michael rappaport - Google Search - Best Super-hero movie ever goodness.
hentai blogspot - Yahoo Search - Japanimation (remember that term?) goodness
sunset blvd hookers - Yahoo Search - Better than Santa Monica Blvd's questionable goodness.
i'm rich biatch - Yahoo Search - Chapelle catch phrase goodness.
"t-mobile ads" "zeta jones" "tag line" - Google Search (1 out 1 search results) - Celebrity cashing in on fading stardom goodness.
poseidon movie - Blog Search - Upside down boat goodness.
galactica nip slip - Google Search - Coolest show on cable goodness.
reese whitherspoon's nude photos - Google Search - All chin'y goodness.
billy bob thornton urine vial - Google Search - Crazy hillbilly goodness.
pictures of nose picking bearded transvestites - Google Search - I told you about that Santa Monica Blvd's questionable goodness already.
blogspot models - Google Seach - If they're hot, then I'm all for it. Spare me the fugly goodness.
cameltoe - Blogdigger - Moose-knuckle goodness.
"James Franco" annapolis wedgie - Google Search - What he deserves goodness.
"silent hill" trailer "windows media player" - Yahoo Search - Creepy as fuck goodness.
Anna Hathaway Havoc ifilm - Google Search - Post Princess Diaries nipply goodness.
"Keira Knightly Sex" - Google Search - Preferably with Scarlett Johanssen.
lohan - Technorati - Image on the rebound goodness.
chick blogs - Blog Search - Why are they not in the kitchen goodness?

Tales of Flatulence - Speechless

During my stint working in the export industry, I remember very clearly how I impacted someone's life very deeply with a rather nasty bout of flatulence that was afflicting me on a specific occasion. I don't know what had brought this on. Maybe some bad carne asada burrito from the roach coach that would service the area where the office was located. In any case, I was undergoing some serious cramps because my position required me to work with clients on a face to face to cargo package (don't sexual innuendo that) basis. Rarely did I get time to myself. But from time to time, I would find myself all alone at my post and this is when I would discretely let loose on some pretty rank gaseous emanations.

A sidenote though . . . isn't it peculiar that whenever you think you're scot-free and that no one is around to smell that warm, squishy fart you just let out, a crowd of people come in all of the sudden and there's no one to pin the blame on but yourself? Funny how this happens huh? Like you let loose a "rat-tat-tat" of pestilence and suddenly a marching bad appears and starts circling your desk. That's karma for you.

Anyway, I'm letting this stream of flatulence out and it's feeling great. Silent but deadlies are making their way out my anus one by one and it's diminishing the cramps I'm feeling. There's no one in sight so I'm feeling pretty confident when out of nowhere, this lady steps into the office, a little flustered because her packages had not been attended to. She's looking for me because I, at the time, was the guy that weighed, measured, processed & shipped everything in the warehouse. I was a 4 man team for the price of one. So I'm sitting there, hoping that she does not get close enough to enter the boundries of the stench, which was pretty gruesome . . . and I'm not an easy person to gross out. She's not noticing the smell as she closes in. I'm at the epicenter while she keeps going on and on about how she has to be at the airport at a certain time and how she still needs to go to her hotel to pack and she needs to get the cargo processed when suddenly, she steps into no-man's land.

She stops mid-word . . . not sentence. She doesn't even finish the word she's on when she gives the air around us a sniff. There's a look of puzzlement in her eyes closely followed by a realization that she just inhaled a small portion of the cloud of poo-gas that has suddenly enveloped her. She cringes, makes a face that's immediately followed by a "ay por Dios (translation - Oh my God . . she was Venezuelan), totally forgets about her problems, and promptly walks away. She needs no explanation. She knows what she just walked into, and I'm laughing my ass off. I could have apologized, but why? Everyone farts. Even that pompous bitch farts on ocassion.

I don't remember what happens after. It's really irrelevant. The look on her face + the psychological damage that my fart imposed on her was enough. I don't have many fond memories of my time working at the Fashion District in Downtown Los Angeles . . . but that exact moment is seared into my mind. I know that she still remembers it too. She could not have forgotten. She probably tells all her idiot friends about the time she was stopped in her tracks by the power of one man's flatulence.

Nipple-Topia - Lohan'ized

I'm glad this came out now and not six months ago when Lindsay Lohan was 65 lbs fully clothed and dripping wet. Now that she's gained a few ounces, it looks like she's gaining them in specific spots. Most notable, her boobs, which provide us with this little nip-slip. The wardrobe-malfunction (that's going to get me a lot of hits) strikes again! Now, she still kind of bugs me. It's most likely the fact that she fucks half of Hollywood, which is still less than what Paris Hilton gets it on with (per hour), but that's still pretty slutty. And then things like this happen, which are more in character with the Hiltons (even the mother . . check the archives).

So enjoy it you freaks. I know the kind of traffic that comes this way. I'll be posting some of the Sitemeter referral stats tomorrow. I'm thinking about posting IP addresses as well . . . We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Investigative Poll - Participate

My wife gives me crap all the time about this blog. When she's not claiming that I spend too much time on it she complains that there are too many advertisements on the page. Now, I think this is a matter of opinion really. But to women, opinion has a silly way of turning into fact.

So, I postulate this question . . . Are there too many ads on this blog? Feel free to leave an answer in the comments section. But be warned, while I value your opinion, it won't in any way, shape or form dissuade me from keeping the ads that are already on the page. What it might do is make me rethink positioning of new advertisements so that they become less intrusive to the reader. Not that I think that they're too intrusive as is . . . but I'll try to make future ad positioning a little more out of the way.

Opine away folks.

Hermione and the Goblet of Beer

What's the legal drinking age in Hogwart's these days? I'm willing to bet it's not 15. I think this Emma Watson chick who plays Hermione on those Harry Potter movies has no business picking up a Corona and doing the whole underage drinking . . . but hey, who am I to say anything. I was getting parrots drunk when I was 10. But at least I had the common decency not to be caught drinking with parrots on camera. Hermione is not that smart.

And yeah, I realize some of you might be thinking "Jaime used to drink with parrots?" Hell yeah, I grew up in a third world country. They have wild animals all over the place. I don't think I need to get into what happens when you take Coca-Cola away from a capuchin monkey . . . let me just tell you . . . them monkeys love the Coke. They won't touch New Coke though. That shit's whizzack.

So yeah, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, good for you Emma Watson. You're on your way to dropping an absurd amount of weight, snorting a lot of coke, losing whatever pre-pubescent boobage you are bound to grow in the next six months, and then change your name to Nicole Ritchie and/or Lindsey Lohan. You do have an edge over them though . . . you have a British accent. How special of you.

Boat Over Easy

I haven't been on a sea-faring ship for quite sometime now . . . and this does not really make me want to take a cruise. This is the teaser posted for the remake of The Poseidon Adventure. I think there was a TV movie last year on one of the network outlets . . . this should be better than that . . . despite the casting of Fergie from the Black Eyed Piss. Maybe they can show her peeing her pants in fear this time . . . instead of under the influence of alcohol. All in all, it's a pretty effective poster. I might drag the wife to go see this. I'll be sure to give her some floaties so she can feel safe when we're at the theater.

New Partner in Clothed Crime

Who doesn't like unique t-shirts. I do, but let's take it one step further. What if you could design your own t-shirt, as unique as your imagination can take you. Then Spreadshirt Inc. is what you would be looking for. Check out the site via the link in this picture (or the hyperlink on the text of this post, or the look for the mini-button on the sidebar . . . so many choices!). Warning, hot chick not included in the sale. I don't want any false advertising on this site. Now, rest assured that you will be the coolest cat (or animal of your own choosing) on the block with one of your own t-shirts. That is, if you've got some great designs tucked away in your noggin. Otherwise, stick to wife-beaters and beanies. Popozao-style, ya dig.

Lost Fashion Sensibilities

Now, I know everyone thinks that Evangeline Lilly, otherwise known as Kate from Lost, is hot. I personally agree with you all. But then I took a look at this picture and now I think she's crazy as well. Either that, or it's a new fashion trend in Hawaii to wear children's bathing suits when you're out and about. I keep looking at this picture (both hands on keyboard) and wondering when the little dog's going to show up to pull down her bikini bottom a little bit to reveal her tan lines. Hmm . . . actually, if that happened, there'd be only one hand on the keyboard right now.

Congratulations to Dominic Monaghan, who is engaged to marry Evangeline. You've got a heck of a girl there. Emphasis on girl. Maybe all the nights he's had her dress up as a Catholic schoolgirl has had a permanent impact on her. Or maybe that's just my personal fantasies running amok again. But do you blame me? Who wouldn't want to see her in one of those?

Box Office Disaster

So America, here are your top ten movies. And wow, what a bunch of turds that list is. I don't know if there's any film in there I would want to watch (again, I'm looking at you FD3). Two dog movies, 2 Paul Walker movies, 2 kids movies. Everything seems to come in two's this week, which seems appropiate, since that's the numerical sign for caca. If only Big Momma's House 2 had made it to the top ten, then it would have completed the poopie domination with 2 movies about black dudes donning woman costumes that defy the realm of plausibility.

1. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion
2. Eight Below
3. The Pink Panther
4. Date Movie
5. Curious George
6. Firewall
7. Final Destination 3
8. Doogal
9. Running Scared
10.Freedomland

For shame America, for shame.

Adver-Tyrant: Weekend Ink Warrior

This week's Adver-Tyrant will be terrorizing your weekend traffic to this site with incredible deals on ink for your printers. Now, we all know you might have gotten than inkjet/laserjet dirt cheap from the computer manufacturer . . . but the ink can cost you an arm and a leg . . . and other body parts that will remain unmentioned. But, with this site (that kicks back some scratch this way if you buy through this link/ad) it's all made quite affordable. So, check it out. Let your inner cheapskate roam the site freely.

Words that Piss off my Wife

There are certain words out there in the english vocabulary, mostly slang, that really upset my wife. Whenever I say them, I get slapped. I get slapped a lot since I just don't learn not to say these things. But, thanks to the 1st amendment, I can continue saying these things because truthfully . . . I think it's funny when I get slapped. Don't psychoanalize my shit.

Poonani(er, nani) and any other variations.
Cootchie
Cunt
Twat
Vagina (yeah, I know)

All these things are female anatomy related. I don't know why using these words instead of her preferred feline'y term sets her off. Oh well. This is not a complete list of course. I'm typing this out with very little time on my side. When I think of more, or discover more via slap, I'll continue to post them on the blog. I know, you're waiting with bated breath. Silly trapperkeepers.

It Just Got Worse

This leaves me speechless . . .

Spider-Man Image Released

This is not a black & white picture. This is Spider-Man in the black costume. You know, the alien symbiote one. The one that leads to the creation of Venom. This is a sweet image that kicks my ass into high-expectation gear. This is not like X-Men 3, where every time I see a picture associated with that doomed-to-fail production I groan. This makes my inner fanboy happy. Click on it to make it a little bigger.