Alternate Reality Console Wars

In a perfect world, the Sega Dreamcast defeated the Playstation 2 . . . and this video proves it.

Crawford Prospecting

Digging for gold in your nose should be at the top of the list of things you should try to avoid when you are an aging 90's sex symbol and once regarded as being one of the most beautiful women in the world. Cindy Crawford must not have gotten that memo handed to her yet. And maybe she just doesn't care anymore. I'll tell you what though, nose picking like that won't get her any more Pepsi endorsements. The only way she could shoot the remainder of her career in the foot is by doing one of two things. Snort cocaine off of CD cases and start dancing like an idiot . . . or hook up with Max Hardcore and let him defile what's left of her hotness. I'm sure Max would not have a problem with that. Have you seen his website? That's one dirty motherfucker. He'd probably let her pick his nose . . . amongst other things.

Colin Pulls a Paris

Seems that Irish actor Colin Farrel likes to get it on . . . on tape. I'm sure by now everyone's heard about the sex-tape he made with a former Playboy model, but just who has seen this adult home movie yet? It's very likely that when Farrel's attorneys get through with the legal proceedings, no one will. At this point in time, the site hosting the video is down. Site owners are claiming the large amount of traffic crashed their servers, and attorneys are saying that a court order led to the shut-down. Friggin lawyers and their party-pooping. It's not like Colin Farrel was banging underage Thai hooker lady-boys on film. When he does that, he makes sure there are no cameras around (allegedly).

But, you can still check out the preview page for the video here. Sure, it's grainy and sometimes you can't tell just what the hell is going on, but it is better shot that Bloodrayne and I'm sure it's making Uwe Boll extremely jealous. The clip is somewhat NSFW, so proceed at your own caution.

From Equilibrium to Ultraviolet

I loved Kurt Wimmer's first feature Equilibrium. Christian Bale seriously kicked ass and that scene with the puppy where he begins to feel . . . oh man, classic. So now, how do you top that? Well, put Mila Jovovich in some tight p-leather and have her hack and slash through hordes of dudes in futuristic looking . . .yet easily shatter-able body armor. Now, in addition to that, you have a ton of kung-fu'y acrobatics and even motorcycles driving up buildings, which beats her Resident Evil 2 stunt that had her running down a building. Anyone can run down a building, pfft . . . not a whole lot of people can drive up one. Anyway, check it out here. Windows Media & Quicktime available. Pick your poison.

Listed on Craig

There's been a sudden influx of unexpected traffic coming in lately from somewhere that I really thought would be the last place anyone would link me from . . . Craigslist.org. Seems someone sent a link to someone who felt compelled to put the hooka down for a minute, press pause on the Sublime CD and post about my own little shitberg on the internet. I'd like to personally thank the San Diegans who are clamoring for a piece of the BAFW and I guarantee that being here is more entertaining than being stuck on I-8 during rush hour. Shoutouts to all my peeps in El Cajon, Lemon Grove, Rancho Penasquitos, Clairemont, Mira Mesa, PB, Rancho Bernardo, Poway, Point Loma and anything else I might have missed.

The proof is in the pudding.

Lost Recap 1/12/06

If you missed last night's episode of Lost, then you missed out on a couple of juicy happenings. You missed out on the backstory for Mr Eko. His past as a Nigerian drug-lord/gangster was shown and it all ties back to the plane that Locke and Boone found which ultimately led to Boone's demise and Charlie's finding of more heroin on the island. Eko sits down with Claire who casually tells him about Charlie's catholicism because he carries a Virgin Mary statue all over the place with him, which Eko asks to see and then shatters it, revealing to Claire that it's not just for worship as it is filled to the brim with baggies of dope.

Eko gets a hold of Charlie and demands he take him to the plane where he found this. Along the way, they run into the "beast" which looks unlike what you would have expected. Instead of being a lumbering-tree-knocking-over giant, it's a cloud of black, crackling smoke that Eko stares down. Eko and Charlie then make their way to the plane, where Eko says goodbye to his priest brother who ended up dying on the plane due to some terrible circumstances. He then decides that from then on he will lead a righteous path and recites Psalm 23, which is what the episode was titled.

Back at the camp, it looks like everyone is warming up to Sawyer much to his confusion and Kate's amusement. Claire kicks out Charlie from their little tent-hut-thingamabob because she doesn't want drugs around the baby. Michael keeps communicating with his lost son Walt via computer-chat (yeah, I'm just glad it's not AIM), Hurley crushes (but not literally . . . yet) on Libby as he helps her set up her refuge fom the elements, and we learn that Charlie did not just have that one statue but several of them stashed somewhere safe in the woods. He's like a little heroin-chipmunk saving his nutty-drugs for the winter. Very little AnaL was to be seen for the entirety of the episode, which must be a relief for all the people around the internet that can't stand her (including my wife).

Steamer

I feel like I should vent about this particularly soul-crushing work day, but the more I think about it, the more I want to just kill people. Not hurt them, but seriously mutilate them. I want to put a blowtorch to the face of every single one of the clients that incessantly call in and are rude and think that dropping a "fuck" or "shit" will snap me into attention and provide them with the technical support they feel they deserve. Shit the fuck up you bastards!

It doesn't help that there are a lot of people out taking sick days. Whatever, the burden has to fall on someone. The few of us that are here today have taken a bullet for the team. We've jumped on the ugly granade that is having a queue full of calls that just does not let up for one moment.

And to the customer that asked for my full name and then my supervisor's name and told me he would have a conversation about my "snippy" attitude. Eat shit and die. I hope you stumble across this and it gives you a heart-attack, you douche-bag. It's not my fault that you are an idiot and don't have the updated program on your computer. I did not upgrade your account to the 2006 version, and when I tell you that you have to remove the 2005 and replace with the 2006, you should do it. The old one is not going to work anymore. Just like how your brain doesn't work anymore because of that advanced case of syphillis I'm sure you contracted from spending too much time in gay bath-houses in the 80's.

Turd. Ass. Fuck.

Shit I'm pissed. And I have to take a piss. In a perfect world, that client would have his mouth working as a urinal in our bathroom and I would be able to piss my frustrations away right into his mouth. But it's not, so I'm guessing the porcelain hunk of junk we have will not do the trick. Oh well. So's life.

The Lifting of Paris

From the look of the picture here, looks like there might be some perks to working for Paris Hilton . . . that is, if you want your hand to be covered in herpes from touching her boobs while you lift her because she's too drunk to walk. With those types of perks, I'd rather be inhabiting a cardboard box on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles. I bet the crack whores there are actually cleaner than whatever is coursing through Hilton's system. At least she's not trying to out-do Bleedy-Barton by showing up to a party in a white outfit bleeding from her asshole. I guess there is a line . . . even for someone like Hilton.

Family Guy Does Gilmore Girls

Ok Ok, I confess, I watch Gilmore Girls every week and sometimes catch the end of the repeat showings on the ABC family channel when I get back home from work. So what, sue me. I even do a Lillith Faire'ian dance during the opening theme song. Yes, I'm borderline on growing a vagina. But, if I do, I'd have more sense than Mischa Barton and not wear white pants when I'm bleeding from it. That's why I find the above video so humorous, and also because deep down inside me . . . I do want to see Lorelai and Rory in some hot mom-daughter lesbian action.

Mischa Barton Hemorrages

Either Mischa Barton has contracted Ebola, or this is a picture of her being retarded during her period. I'm going with the second theory, since they're still moving forward with the third season of the OC, so she can't be dead. Although, they can do wonders with CGI these days. Isn't there an unspoken rule or tennet amongst women that you can't wear an all white outfit when you have your mensies? Someone must have forgotten to pass that memo to Mischa. But then again, if you've seen her boyfriend, hobo-chic Cisco Henson, he's so grody he probably digs getting blood moustaches.

*gags*

Oh man, I think I just made myself sick.

Delicious Poster

This one-sheet for the movie Hard Candy is freaking awesome. Simple, effective, sans-floating-heads. Plus, the bear trap about to snap on the curiously underage-y looking girl is a striking visual. If you went to watch Hostel this past weekend, chances are you got to see the trailer as well, which is supposed to be disturbing. The theater that the Sal and I went to was not playing the trailer. So, if anyone out there knows where I can get a hold of the trailer, please drop me the address in the comment section for this post.

Fuck it, I'm Irish

The wife and I went to watch Grandma's Boy in Burbank this afternoon. Not a whole lot of people in the theater, but it started to fill up towards start time, and then, the gaggle of underage loud bitches stroll in thinking they're hot shit. Now, if only they had stayed quiet throughout the movie, nothing would have happened, but they were the kind of audience that just pisses everyone in the theater off.

I'm talking annoying I-want-to-strangle-the-life-out-of-you laughter. I mean, sure, the movie was funny, and there were some laugh out loud moments all over the place, but these bitches just started to grind on everyone's nerves. Especially my wife. She's a very sweet person and everything but if something flips her switch, it's on. Motherfucking on. She started kicking the back of their seats, did the whole "SHHH!" thing, and when one of the dumb whores was laughing and said "I can't take it anymore", she very audibly said "THEN LEAVE".

She has that Irish temper. So, the movie ends, we walk out, and we take turns emptying our bladders and she runs into the bitches in the bathroom. She stares them down, and then walks away because she's decided to be the better person. The one of the idiots says to her "Yeah, you better leave" and Heather stops, turns around, and drills holes in the back of their necks with those blue eyes of hers. Intense eyes that can cut granite. The four bitches just nervously wash their hands and start whispering amongst each other "she's looking at us".

I wasn't there, but I trust in my wife's accounts of the happenings. She says to them "EXCUSE ME?" and they just try to ignore her. I meet her outside after I am done with my post movie piss, and she tells me "Let's stick around". She tells me what's going on and I try to diffuse the situation. These idiots were clearly underage, and unfortunately in the state of California, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to beat up a minor. Stupid laws.

We light up cigarettes outside of the theater as she rides the adrenaline high. She wants to fight. I'm just wishing that she doesn't start something that will necessitate me calling my father in law asking if he knows any good lawyers. Thankfully, they are nowhere to be seen and we head out to the car. They must have taken another exit out because we see them walking outside the Urban Outfitters and we honk, and she flips them off. Then, on the way home, she keeps asking me to drive back so she can pound on some stupid bitch grills.

I'm just glad she didn't have a couple of pints in her. I don't think I could stop her from getting into a scuffle with someone who disrespects her. Oh, and by the way, Grandma's Boy is hilarious. I recommend the movie, well worth the matinee price. I just hope your showing doesn't get ruined by something like this.

Reminding You What It's For

This video reminded me of just why the internet was invented for. PORN. Thank you former Vice President Gore, for inventing the "internets".

My New Techno-Lover

Damn this thing can grill a tasty burger. I got this in the mail a couple of days ago and took it for a culinary spin last night. So hot. Literally, took about 9 minutes to grill up 4 burgers. And the fat just drips right out of it. This is an Atkins-dieter's best friend. Now, if I could only drop the carbs from my diet and live off of perfectly grilled George Foreman meat . . . waitamminut, that sounded bad. I would like to reitertate that I am neither gay nor a cannibal. Or a gay cannibal. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, the cannibal part is just reprehensible, but you can still pork butts if you want to. And you can surely cook pork butts on the grill as well.

I do have to say that my wife is a little jealous of the attention I'm lavishing on the George Foreman grill. They way I caress its curves, hold it in my arms with it's flap open so that it looks like I'm burping a baby. I don't know where this jealousy stems from, but she needs to get over it. The grill is here to stay and she needs to accept it.

A Sign of the Times

Hurricanes, tsunamis, terrorism, Kevin Federline's website. It seems that 2006 is the year the whole world is set to implode. I don't think we can continue on like this with out some sort of biblical cataclysm claiming the lives of billions of people. The way things are going, it can't be that far off. I mean, the year already started off on a wrong planetary foot when K-Fed's first single "dropped". I have not given PopoZao (yeah, it must be one of those 2007 things we're just not ready to understand yet) a listen, but I'm sure it makes puppies shrivel up like snails that have gotten salt poured on them and gives babies full blown aids upon first auditory contact. It's that bad. I'm sure that if my eardrums catch a single "beat" of that crap . . . they will bleed. I don't much like bleeding from the ears. So no thanks K-Fed, I'll be passing on "checking out yo' phizzat beats".

But please, feel free to pass this around to those you hate. This is way better than that service that would deliver dog turds to you worst enemies. This has a much worse overall psychological impact.

You Can Find Me Here

I always marvel at the places where my blog ends up in searches. This is the semi-regular entry that deals with that incessant marveling that borderlines on OCD. No sources today, just search entries. I'm tired, and working overtime so I need to find a way to kill time.

-revelation chp. 18 --hal lindsay
-rachel mcadams family stone premiere (most of the searches for her include the word "nipple" or the phrase "wardrobe malfunction")
-gay blogs
-star jones
-keira knightly sex
-jaime (What the?? Who's looking for me?)
-nicole richie weight loss pictures
-"sneeze feeling"
-"piss like a russian racehorse" slang
-suv vehicle decline (Yes!! Die Yuppies!)
-britney and kevin chaotic farted

I totally recommend the free Sitemeter account that makes all this possible. Highly guaranteed if you're borderline paranoid or just fascinated by the avenues that people take to get to your corner of the internet.

The Way The Story Goes . . .

The Sal and the Suckafish . . . sitting in a tree . . . K-I-S-S-I-N-G and god knows what else judging from the look of things here. I think we need to get Jenny Jones up in this bitch and title it "When Bloggists Hookup".

Bigfoot Sighted

Not since the Patterson footage has the evidence of there being a Sasquatch, a missing link, a wild woolly bipedal mammal; been so strong since the most recent pictures of Star Jones out gallivanting at the beach. I'm sorry, did I just say "gallivanting"? Anyway, yes, Star Jones is bigfoot, just look at the two pictures provided in this scientific treatise. It's undeniable proof. She must go through a lot of razors. I just feel bad for the gay guy pictured below. The guy she is straddling in a very alpha-dog-ish kind of way. Yeah, the gay guy being her husband that is. Maybe he and Oprah's Steadman get together on the weekends and hold each other close to dull the pain that is being married to those ogres. That and buttsex while they spend their wives' money. This is a fate that should never befall any man out there. Not even despicable ones like Hitler. I'm pretty sure you can tell how much I hate Star/Oprah when I don't want Hitler to be crushed under their weight. 'Cause you know how I feel about tiny moustaches. Oh, and I hear he killed a buncha jews.

Fuck The Cripples

The above is not my personal philosophy, but it seems that Hollywood starlets are starting to take that up. I don't know why though, cripples are so cuddly. But anyway, on the side of this paragraph you have trollish Kirsten Dunst taking up a handicapped parking spot with her gas-electric hybrid car. It's good to know she's trying to save the environment while she saves cripples from a great parking spot. Nice move Dunst. Maybe she's claiming that her sagging boobs are crippling . . . her career.
Next up is Amanda Bynes, yes, the former Nickelodeon kid star who does WB shows and is starting up her movie career. She at least has the decency not to pretend to care and just parks her expensive ride in the cripple spot. She does try to hide her face, unlike Dunst, who should always try to hide her face. I don't know what these two were thinking. But here they are, caught for everyone to see what a couple of low life shit heads they are. Next time you see one of these two walking around LA, do me a favor. Bust a Nancy Kerrigan on them with a tire iron. Doesn't matter where. I just want these two beat the shit up, then, maybe they could apply for a handicapped sticker at the DMV.

The Itchy & Scratchy Show - Hilton Edition

I'm sure you remember a few months back the pictures of Jessica Alba diggin deep into her ass crack to retrieve a wedgie while she was at the beach. That, in a way, was mildly alluring, yet scary because the way her hand was up her buttcrack, you know there were skidmarks on that bikini bottom (which would have made millions on eBay). I guess Paris Hilton just loves to one-up chicks all the time as she defies public decency by profusely scratching her vagina while in the audience of poor beachgoers . . . who shortly after witnessing this, had to be rounded up by the Centers for Disease Control to be screened by Hilton's own special blend of airborne STDs.

I'm not sure if having millions of dollars and never having to work a day in her life has warped the psyche of this woman way past the point of no return. Sex tapes, getting her cellphone hacked, drunk driving, and now this? It seriously makes a point against being filthy rich (and in this case, filthy is used with literal meaning). Frankly, after watching this, I don't mind having my 9 - 5:30 job which pays not a whole lot. At least my crotch is itch-free.

So thank you Paris Hilton. You have inadvertently reaffirmed my current standard of living. If it weren't for your disease infested and rightly itchy cootchie, I might still be wanting to be rich and not have a care in the world.