Copy Bait - More Technorati

Last time I did this, someone stole the whole post and passed it off as herself's. But, that stupid asian bitch did not know what she was getting into as the full wrath of the Texans was unleashed upon her . . . followed up by Blogger who I'm guessing deleted her account. It no longer exists. So, this is a warning to all the potential copycats out there . . . Don't do it. Now, on to the Technorati Top Ten.

1. Katrina - This is a hurricane related search word. It's got to be. Otherwise, people are looking for one of my best friend's sister, and I have no idea why they would be. She's not the most pleasant woman out there. It's true man, your sister's a bit of a bitch. I hope she's mellowing out now that that thing she's doing is helping her lose the you know what . . . I would be mad at the world if I had to carry that around as well. I guess all the amiable genes in your family were transferred to you pal, while she was left with the less than social genetic code.

2. Hurrican Katrina - Was there a hurricane this weekend? I don't know, I don't watch much Weather Channel. I slept through a hurricane once, Andrew, back in the early 90's. It was a little scary, not the winds, but rather my alcoholic father's request that my mother go check on who's knocking on the door. Yeah, getting loaded on the eve of a massive storm probably not the best idea. Nothing happened to our house that time, and we we moved out of Florida before any other 'canes hit. But, just as a piece of advice . . . don't let a family member get drunk before/during a hurricane. If you think they act like idiots when the weather is fine, they'll act even stupider when the shit hits the fan.

3. New Orleans - Woohoo! Mardi Gras! Show us your titties for beads! Get your voodoo on! Make sure you take some penicillin when you go. There are enough women of ill refute to start up an epidemic of 4400 proportions.

4. Natalie Glebova - Someone's mail order bride? Oh wait, that's the Miss Universe or Miss World . . . or Miss Banged Enough Pageant Judges right? I don't even know what this chick looks like. Anyone care to leave me a link in the comment section. Preferably of her soon to be discovered Russian anal porno work. It's not for me, it's for a guy I know that loves the butt-love. Seriously.

5. Hurricane - Oh my God, come on people. Let it go. Just watch some Discovery Channel already. They have hurricane/tornado shows on all the time. I would know, I can't tear my wife away from that sort of programming. That and Cops. She loves Cops. Maybe that's why she keeps asking me to handcuff her and to wear my Highway Patrol Sunglasses. Hmm . . .

6. Superdome - Where's that at? I have no idea. But if it's truly a "Super" Dome, then the only kind of events held there would be naked full contact mud wrestling. With towering flaming spires and cage girls dancing suspended from the ceiling, so you can look up their skirts. And the cage dancers can only go "commando", if you know what I mean. You might want to take some umbrellas, 'cause they would not be able to come down from the cages until the 5 hour event is over, and they will undoubtedly have to relieve their bladders. But, I'm sure some sick perverts would be willing to pay extra for that . . . and they might get a funnel if they're lucky.

7. Loonatics - What? That's some crazy spelling. Ha, get it . . crazy. I have no idea what this is all about . . . and I could care less.

8. VMA - Oh, that was this weekend as well right? Leave it to MTV to try to upstage nature. I didn't watch it, 'cause I was incredibly busy watching a freshly painted wall drying. God, I can't tell you how much fun that is. You just have to experience it yourself.

9. Conor O'Neill - Who? What? Where? Why? Maybe I should leave the tiny microcosm that is Jaime-ville and venture out into the world more often. That way, I would know just who the hell this guy is, or was. Did this guy die or something? Oh whatever. He's an O'Neill, which most likely makes him Scottish, which increases the chances that he's a Highlander . . . and as you all know . . . there can be only one.

10. Podcast - Ok, if it's not annyoing enough to read a bunch of whiny pansies belly-aching about the government or the price of gas or how the barrista at starbucks won't give them the time of day . . . now you can listen to their voice as they're going on and on and on and on and on and on and on . . . whoa . . hit a loop there . . . and on about what's making their life more and more Emo. Anyone with a damn computer mic can start podcasting. I will make a promise to you, my valued reader . . . I will not subject you to my tirades being vocalized for your listening displeasure. I'll keep them in written form. You can shower me with praise now.

Ok, that ends yet another installment of the often (ok, only once) imitated and incredibly entertaining Technorati Top Ten. I don't want to hear otherwise, or else . . . Sitemeter tells me the lat/long of where you're visiting from. After that, it's only a matter of roaming the streets of your home town hollering out your name or "annonymous" until I find you. Don't make me. Just say that you love it. You'll save everyone a lot of grief and boost my ever increasing ego.

Invasion of the Duff-snatchers

I guess it's flattering trying to look like someone else. Most young girls do this, but I think Hillary Duff is just going a little too far now. In this picture, it kinda looks like she's trying to morph into Jennifer Garner. And that kind of perplexes me 'cause Garner suffers from man-face . . . so, Duff wants to be a man? Well, the total lack of curves her boxy body offers would be enough to make her look like a boy anyway, I guess she wants to get the man-face down as well. I feel bad for her boyfriend. What? It's one of the twins from Good Charlotte? Oh, those guys totally wear make-up. How gay. It all makes sense now. Hillary, I'll schedule your addadicktomy surgery for next Tuesday.

Portman In Thunderdome

Or at least she looks like she should be fighting Mad Maxx in that movie. Maybe she's segue'ing her role from "V for Vendetta" into a Thunderdome re-make. They might as well remake that, there's nothing original in Hollywood anymore anyway. Next thing you know they'll be coming out with a big budget version of my home movies . . . and I don't even have any. I don't think I like this look for her though. It makes her look like the kind of girl that would pop you one on the nose for not doing her in the butt hard enough or. The kind of girl that wants you to push her head into a toilet while you are giving it to her because she's a naughty girl like that. Natalie, please . . . go back to the long brown hair. That angelic and sweet girl thing that was working so well for you up until now. My wife needs something to rub one out to. This new look is not agreeing with her.

Ripped Off

I got ripped off. Not monetarily . . someone had the audacity to rip-off a blog post of mine and then pass it off as her own. Yeah, I don't know why. This is my ORIGINAL blog entry. This is the IMPOSTOR. Please feel free to drop by and say a few kind words to the shameless plagiarist for me. I'd much appreciate it.

Honest Jaime

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I'm quite surprised about the outcome of this particular test. First of all, I don't meet the height requirement due to the fact I'm no lumbering giant, and second of all . . . I'm pretty sure no one wants to assasinate me, yet. Maybe this is some sort of omen. Maybe I should not get that life insurance policy my wife is pushing for. Maybe I should learn how to sleep with one eye open. Maybe I should quit with the "maybes" and get to work. Hmm . . . maybe.

Lemon Merengue Explosion

I can attest to being pretty forgetful at times. Despite what my "Genius of the Millenia" diploma that I got from the Tijuana Genius Society might say . . . sometimes I forget. So, when I reached into the refrigerator last night, looking for something to snack on, and found a slice of Lemon Merengue Pie, all I said was "Right on, pie!". Never did it occur to me to question the age of said pie, when it was baked, or how long it had been in our fridge. You see, our fridge can sometimes become the Bermuda's Triangle of refrigeration. Stuff just gets lost in there. At any given point in time, I can go in there and retrieve a piece of tupperware, open it and not know just what the hell I'm looking at. "Are those refried beans supposed to be white . . and fuzzy?"

But see, this piece of pie was deceptively benevolent looking. So, I picked it up, grabbed a spoon, and ate it. I did remember getting a little gassy when I first tried it when it was fresh, and figured it would be fun torturing my wife with Dutch Ovens later that night. Five minutes later, the rumble in my stomach starts. I let go of some choice flatulence, and then rush to the bathroom where I unload 5 lbs of liquid crap into the porcelain throne. I am amazed at how effective of a laxative 2 week old lemon merengue pie can be. Seriously, dump (ah ha, get it . . . clever pun)the Ex-lax and eat old diary based desserts.

That pie had been made for my wife by my aunt on the 12th of August. I consumed the last bit of it on the 24th of August. I am 5 lbs lighter, and starting to think about starting a new weight loss get rich quick scheme. You might catch my infomercials late evening/early morning on the local access channels touting the incredible weight loss discovery that is eating really old pie. Trust me, send me the 4 easy payments of $39.95 now and I'll set you up with the miracle of weight loss. Operators are standing by.

Ciera is Ripped

Well, not really. Whatever Carrot Top is taking, he's keeping to himself. Ciera is not ripped in the muscular sense, but she did split her pants during a Good Morning America performance. Pretty embarrassing, considering a few months ago, there was a bit of a hullaballoo about this chick being a hermaphrodite/transvestite. This chick just can't win I tell you. Well, it's not as bad as pissing yourself while on concert . . . on stage. *AHEM*FERGIE*AHEM* Shoot, I must have something stuck in my throat. Anyway, for those who love the pubes, let me get you a larger shot. I know my audience, you guys probably have the vaseline and wet-naps ready.
As you can plainly see, Ciera is going the 70's bush route. Whoever is going down on her, you bet they'll be picking curlies out of their teeth for days. Too bad you can't make out if she's actually a woman or if she's duct-taping a schlong to her/his/its gooch. Oh well, the way things are going for her these days, I'm sure she'll be caught on film servicing hermaphroditic midgets dressed in Hitler costumes while massaging the balls of goats. It won't matter what she is then.

Bum Rap(e)

This reminds me of the time my wife, being the kind and caring human being that she is, approached a bum on the street while on a walk to the DVD rental store. She wanted to help the man, who is a pretty regular bum in our area. She learned her lesson though because apart from him basically telling her what is on the caption on that picture, he also told her that the Screen Actor's Guild had implanted a tracking device in his butt and were tracking him via satellite and that he hadn't been with a woman in 10 years. She hurried all the way home. Where was I during this conversation? About 20 feet away. Hey, I didn't want our dog to get fleas OK. Plus, I totally walked next to her on the way home. Pfft!

Technorati Top Ten

How's that for alliteration for ya . . . twats. I visit Technorati a lot. Need to ping them often, and I noticed they have a "top ten" searches there. Just thought I'd give them a little rundown, see what people are searching for at the moment.

1. Pat Robertson - Ah yes, the 700 Club kook. He's crazy about God, and also crazy about killing South American dictators. He recently called out for the ending of the life of Hugo Chavez, Venezuelan "President" because he posed a threat to America. More like a threat to one of America's oil resources. But hey, ol' Patty can say whatever he wants. He's got a clause in his contract that he can NEVER be fired. What a sneaky old fuck.

2. Ajax - The cleaning product? Really? Or maybe the character in the Illyad. Tough bastard of a Greek. If you've seen the movie "Troy" then you know what I'm talking about. Of course, there is a small chance you've actually read Homer's Illyad, but I'm willing to bet the majority of you will go running to your library looking for Homer Simpson's Illiad. I know my audience.

3. Lance Armstrong - He's got one ball, he's won 7 Tour de France's, he's a heck of a guy. Whatever. Can I stop hearing about him and his shit don't stink? Come on, give a bastard a break.

4. Utah Rave - This just sound silly. A rave? In Utah? I just can't see it. Sure, those Mormons need to loosen up a little, but them rolling on E? No, don't see it. Now, "rave" might be some sort of local colloquialism that I'm not familiar with. Like "biffing it" . . . which I'm only familiar with 'cause my wife let it slip out a few times. She used to live in Utah. And yes, I know, I'm sorry too.

5. Cindy Sheehan - This woman's still hanging out outside the Crawford Ranch in Texas right? Waiting for the George W. Bush to get off his ass to talk to her. Ain't gonna happen lady. Might as well pack your things and mourn your son at home. He doesn't care because his handlers have told him not to care. Besides, those Republican vultures are picking away at your social life. There's no winning against those jackasses.

6. Six Feet Under - Ah, great show. If I had HBO, I'd watch it more often. But I don't, so I won't talk about it more.

7. Robertson - See #1.

8. A List Apart - I have no idea what this is all about. What list? Why is it apart? Or is it "a part" of something. Someone tell me what this is all about. It's eating me up on the inside, devouring my soul with curiosity . . .oh wait, no, that's heartburn.

9. Intelligent Design - Uh . . umm . . . what's this here key do?

10. Iraq - I guess interest in this totally uncalled for war is waning a little. It's always in the top ten though, but I've never seen it at 10th place. I'm a little interested about it since my sister is currently on a plane bound to the Iraqi/Syrian border. Yeah, that's a little scary. I'm sure she'll be ok though, she's working supply, so she won't be on any trucks getting shot at.

So, that's the run-down. There are your top ten technorati searches for the hour. I, naturally, won't be doing this every hour. Just once in a while. Don't want to spoil ya you bitches.

How Old is Andy?

I'm talking about Andy Milanokis from his self-titled television show on MTV. I was watching and I was wondering just how old is this kid. He can't be over 15. Just look at him. That unbridled childike glee. That infantile sense of humor. The fact that he wears the same thing every single show.
Well, I could not have been wronger . . . A quick search over at IMDB yielded the results I was looking for. You're not going to believe this (unless you already know . . . you know-it-all prick), but the guy's 30 years old. He was born the 30th of January, 1976. That's a whole 3 years and 3 months before I was ushered unto this earth, and let's face it, the world is a better place for that, right? *crickets chirping* Right? . . . Assholes. Anyway, I can't friggin believe it. He's like a fat Micheal J. Fox. I'm kinda glad I don't look like a kid that just entered puberty though. It would have been hard to score chicks and eventually get married to one of those chicks (who loves ya baby *wink*). But then again, I could be on TV . . . nah. I don't think it's worth it.

Say Hello to Halo

For those who have finally been able to break the hold that is Halo 2 multi-player and have resumed their regular daily lives, then this little entry might appeal to you. How would you like to experience Halo on a ginormous movie screen? Well, if you can wait 'til the summer of 2007 then you're in luck. That's when Fox and Universal will be bringing you the big screen debut of the Master Chief and his fight against parasitic zombies and a religious conglomeration of alien races aboard a giant space . . hula hoop? Hmm . . why do I like this game so much again? Now that I think about it, the premise sounds just dopey. Anyway, they man in charge of writing this wrote 28 Days Later, and Microsoft/Bungee payed him a pretty penny for his efforts. It's currently undergoing re-writes which, hopefully, will only make the script better. I swear, if they replace Cortana with a donkey voiced by Eddie Murphy I will burn down the Microsoft HQ. So, something to look forward to in a year which will bring you the third Spider-Man, a Transformers movie, and that annoying CGI Ogre whose name shall not be mentioned in my blog under pain of testicle crushing. I dare you to say it. Don't incur my wrath.

Oh, and the costume? I hope they do a better job than this guy. Ha! For some reason, I don't see cardboard absorbing a plasma rifle round all that well.

What Movie Are You?

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

This was interesting. I usually don't put too much stock into these things, but that seems a little more accurate than usual. Take the test, the 45 question one is the most accurate. Go ahead, try it out.

Conversations with The Sal - Ep VI

04:51PM The Sal: i can feel last nites jack daniels in my throat
04:51PM The Sal: and not whatever your thinkin u goddamn perv
04:52PM Me: now . . why would you think i would make some sort of homo remark about that?
04:52PM The Sal: cuz i know you sucka
04:52PM Me: well, shoot. i don't even think i need to make a reply about that. it's gay enough on it's own
04:53PM The Sal: lol
04:53PM The Sal: shut up man
04:53PM Me: if i were to add on to it, it'd be the hollywood gay pride parade up in your cubicle
04:53PM The Sal: any way ya...i think i burned some of the lining in my throat
04:53PM Me: rainbow flags and all
04:53PM The Sal: that'll be the day
04:53PM Me: well, that Jack Daniels is a tough old man
04:53PM Me: he'll fuck your throat raw
04:53PM Me: lol
04:53PM The Sal: lol
04:53PM Me: as you can attest to
04:54PM The Sal: ohh well...
04:54PM The Sal: hittin' it again tonite
04:54PM Me: you masochisitic SOB
04:54PM The Sal: lol
04:54PM The Sal: hey man if a preacher can do it...why cant it
04:54PM The Sal: I
04:54PM Me: sends you off with your tail between your legs and you go back for more
04:55PM The Sal: nahhh...not exactly tail in hand
04:55PM Me: oh
04:55PM Me: Jack's tail?
04:55PM Me: oh Sal
04:55PM Me: what have you done
04:55PM The Sal: goddamn yo
04:55PM The Sal: freakin perv

That's pretty gay man. But hey, at least the Sal can drink. Me, I don't touch that stuff anymore. Gives me heartburn. God, when did I become such a goddamn pansy. Not that I miss it, never was one to drink unless I was at a party. But seriously, the last time I drank voluntarily was probably 6 months ago. And I'm just guess-timating, 'cause I really can't remember. Oh well, I don't miss it. Fuck it.

The Opposite Side of the Spectrum

Last week I recounted the tale of my brief date with what I affectionately like to call "The Behemoth". Sure, I know this is terribly asshole-y of me to do, and I know I will catch some gruff from someone with the balls to go by "annonymous", but fuck him. She was and probably still is huge. But that's not what I want to talk about today. Nah, that's old news. This little incident happened a few years ago. I had been off of college for a few months at that time. I was removed from my regular social circle by way of moving up north to Los Angeles to work. I was, once again, somewhat alone. So I turned to the internet again for dates.

Now, some of you who are not familiar with Los Angeles might be saying to themselves "What the hell is wrong with this guy? Why didn't he just go and meet people the way the rest of nation does?". If you've ever lived in LA, then you know that no one speaks to anyone else on the streets unless they absolutely have to. LA is one of the most anti-social environments that one can live in, and when you throw in an anti-social person like I was at that point of my life into that kind of environment, I might as well have been living in a cave in the mountains like a hermit.

But, there I was, plucking away in the Yahoo internet chatrooms looking for people who lived in the area. Girls specifically. And I find a girl who seems interested in meeting up. She seems normal, describes herself as being 5 feet tall and a size zero. I'm thinking alright, finally, a petite girl. We agree to meet up at the Starbucks in Old Town Pasadena. My hopes are up. And whenever my hopes are up, boy do they come crashing down on me.

I don't know if you've ever had one of those moments when you see someone walking into a room and you pray to your deity of choice that they do not come your way. Well, that night, at the Starbucks I had that moment. Only she did come over. And let's just say she wasn't what I expected. How can I describe this girl properly? If you've ever taken a science class, then you've seen one of those hanging skeletons. Ok, slap some skin on that, reanimate it, and you'd pretty much have the closest thing to my date that evening. She had mentioned she was a little under 100 lbs online. 25 lbs under 100 lbs is not a little. That's starving Ethiopian small. I asked her if she wanted to eat something, she declined and claimed that she had already eaten that day. I wanted to ask her "When did you eat exactly? 23 hours ago?" but I didn't.

I didn't skip out on this one like I did with Behemoth though. I did the next best thing. I suggested we go watch a movie. My reasoning was, let me get into a dark place. I know, what an asshole, but if you were walking next to a skinnier Nicole Ritchie, you would have done the same thing. I think we watched that Antonio Banderas/Woody Harrelson movie where they are boxers. I don't know, I kept looking over to her just to make sure I wasn't on a date with the Living Dead. Any minute I was expecting her to break out into a "Brains! Must eat brains!" tirade, and if she did, she was not going to catch me unawares.

The movie ends, and my brains are still intact. I'm thinking she probably sensed what I was thinking, because she offered to hook me up with some of her friends. I said "Sure, why not" but I never did call her back. That would be too much of a heartless bastard of a move to use this poor anorexic girl to score dates with her friends. Even I have certain moral standards that I sometimes adhere to.

Those were pretty much the two worst dates I had through internet dating. I'm sure these kinds of things happen less and less these days. Putting up a picture on a profile on a dating website is easier and easier these days. Everyone's got a digital camera/camera phone/webcam they can use to take flattering pictures of themselves. Back during my bout with internet dating, this wasn't the case. But I'm sure that even to this day, some people end up with more/less than what they bargained for. To those people out there . . . I feel your pain.

Duck Mafia

It's kinda weird seeing just what will happen when push comes to shove. Kitties have been terrorizing duckies for centuries. It's about time they rised up and organized against the felines. Those kitties are in for a nasty surprise when droves of billed ruffians descend upon them with fowl ferocity. Nothing scarier than a duck with a homemade shiv. So, people of the world, guard your pussies well. The ducks are coming over to stick it to them.

Absolute and Utter Indifference

I'm sitting here, with 2 more weeks to go on this job, and I really don't care about making these calls and collecting money for the company that just outsourced this whole department. I am so indifferent towards the whole situation that I am just sitting here, eating some beek jerky and staring blankly at the screen. Not like they can do anything about it. Take my severance pay away? What severance? Deny me benefits? Never had any to begin with. Fire me? Didn't they already do that?

What I've been doing all day is pretty much hopping on a couple of traffic generators. I started using something called Traffic Pods. It's just like TS25 . . . but different. I know, that is so descriptive. Don't write a novel about it Jaime. Pffft! See, I'm even indifferent about trying to get a referral out of you bastards. Just click here if you're a little curious about this traffic site.

So . . . on with my sanctioned (by myself) slacking protocols. I will do the least amount of work to maximize my earnings for the next two weeks. My last day in this particular cubicle farm is September 2nd. Hopefully the other cube-farm snatches me up before then, I really don't want to work here any longer.

Skeletons Have Nipples?

Nicole Ritchie has a nipple slip. You'll have to break out the magnifying glass for this one. If you squint really hard, put your face up against the screen and maybe adjust the resolution on your computer monitors . . . . then you're a goddamn freak. Why would you want to see a skeleton's nipple? Or partial nipple as the picture there shows. What is wrong with you? God, you might as well be checking out lanky 12 year old boys in speedos. Yuck. You seriously make me sick. You better just leave now, you're going to miss your catholic priest induction ceremony or whatever it is they do there. For my "normal" readers out there . . . I have to apologize for the dreck that visits my blog looking for truly horrendous and borderline perverted images. Seriously, I shudder at the thought the kind of traffic posting up the pictures of my naked grandmother will generate. But hey . . . that's entertainment.

Oppression Begins Early

Fatties Selling Nikes

I guess there's been a slight shift in marketing strategies. Adverstising agencies are using more and more "real people" to sell anything from underwear to tuna. I guess they want to have the consumer relate more to the product if they can see a resemblance to themselves in the adverstising. Nike recently jumped on the bandwagon by releasing a few adverstisements focusing on "big butts" and "thunder thighs". Good for them, finally fatties around the nation can go out and buy their Nikes without feeling like they are committing a capital offense. No longer will they be subject to shouts of "Hey fattie! What're you doing with that Nike? You can't eat that!" or "Hey chubbs, you can't pay for that with backfat".

What, that doesn't happen in real life? What kind of psychotic parallel universe do you live in? Pfft! Whatever. Here's a sample of the ads that Nike is using.

WTF of the Week

When did Carrot Top become a female body builder? I swear, this picture scares the bejeezus out of me more than that trailer for "The Exorcism of Emily Rose". That is not the product of supplements and exercise. No, this guy must be popping steroids in everything he consumes. Just look at those friggin pecs and biceps. And the veins that look like a roadmap.

Well, I guess being Carrot Top he had a pretty rough life. Getting picked on and ridiculed into becoming a clown so that people could stop laughing at him and start laughing with him might have led to this. But did he have to turn into Conan the Barbarian's red-headed step-brother? He kinda looks like a shaved Beastman from the He-Man cartoons. Just a little piece of advice Carrot Top . . . go easy on the monkey hormones. Unless you're planning on running for the governorship of California. In that case, keep bulking up.

Double-Wide Trailer Fun

Aeon Flux - I loved watching the cartoon shorts of this on Liquid Television when I was a teenager. That show on MTV was always great, and God did Aeon Flux look sexy in those. We're not talking Hentai sexy . . . but she was just so damn sleek and deadly. Who better to play her in the live action version than Charlize Theron. Apart from that role in Monster, she's always looked damn good. Check out the trailer for this here.

The Exorcism Of Emily Rose - Nothing really scares me these days. Which is why, when I first played the trailer for this movie and I got goosebumps . . . I knew I had to check this out. It claims it's based on a true story where an exorcism went a little sour and the priest in charge of said exorcism is on trail. That might be an interesting side story, but what I am more interested in is the scenes where Emily Rose is possessed by the devil. You can catch a few, frightenengly effective scenes on the trailer. Check it out, see what finally spooked me.

V For Vendetta - Otherwise known as the movie that Natalie Portman shaved her head for. This is based on an Alan Moore story that ran in DC comics' Vertigo imprint. Unfortunately, Moore has disassociated himself with the project after not liking the end product. This might just be nit-picking on his part. I am not familiar with the source material, but if the Wachowski brothers only fuck up half of it . . . then it might be a decent watch. Let's just hope. I'm not terribly impressed with the trailer, but here it is anyway.

Waiting - My wife used to work at a national restaurant chain that will go un-named and she can attest to these things going on in the back. Seriously . . . no freaking joke. You're better off eating at home all the time than run the risk of consuming food that is not so clean. Other people's bio-matter could be in it. This is a comedy starring Ryan Reynolds(Van Wilder), Dane Cook(Torque - I know, crap, but have you seen/listened to his comedy routine?), Anna Farris(Scary Movie-s) and Justin Long(the geeky kid from Dodgeball). It looks funny, and I hope they didn't cram all the funny into the trailer which can be seen here.

Night Watch - Or "Nochnoi Dozor" as it is known in Mother Russia, boasts some strong imagery. I love this trailer as it shows enough to captivate you and make you wonder just what the hell is going on. As far as I can tell, there's a tenuous peace between heaven and hell, and there are people that are in charg of maintaining this peace. I read over at AICN that this is part of a trilogy which is in itself part of a trilogy. I know . . let me break it down for you. This is the first of 9 movies that are scheduled for release if they adhere to the novels that are written regarding this story. I love grand, sweeping and epic stories and since this is going to be 3 times as long as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, that's going to make for some great cinematic action. Check out the trailer here.

Keep coming back. Trailers come out every week.

Shit-Canned

So those slimy pricks . . wait . . can you call a woman a prick? Ok . . cunts; because there are no male supervisors where I work, pulled a fast one on me today. They had told me yesterday to not come in today because they were having "problems with outbound calls" and that it wouldn't be fixed until Friday. I get a call from The Sal today informing me that the whole department was dissolved and outsourced to India.

This really does not bode well for my finances. Not having a paycheck coming in every week is really going to not go well with that whole paying the bills thing. I'm still going in to work Friday so that they can tell me what my last day of work is. Hope I get a couple of weeks. The moves I'm currently making towards securing a new, and might I add better, job won't happen overnight. I need a bit of a buffer.

Oh, and just who is outsourcing their Accounts Receivable department to India/Phillipines? Motherfucking Earthlink. I've worked for them for the past year and 3 months trying to get hired off temp status. They dangled the carrot infront of my nose and I followed it blindly. Just what was I doing there? Well, if you are an Earthlink customer, and forgot to contact them via the website or by calling Customer Service about a new credit card/debit card/checking account that you were using to automatically pay your internet service . . . then you've probably talked to either The Sal or I. We were, along with 35 other Collections Representatives, responsible for calling you and getting your new payment information. Sometimes it was a breeze, and sometimes you were assholes.

But, that has all come to an end. Good thing I had the chance to work on my resume this morning. I've already sent it out to a guy my father in law recommended. He's going to look it over, make suggestions, edits, and then set up an interview at another company which will pay more money. Wish me luck.

Where's The Funny?

Some people might have been asking themselves that very question since this blog began . . . to those people, fuck off. But do come back and check in often. The "funny" might be here for a special limited engagement. For the other 5 regular readers whose funny bone gets tickled daily here . . . and just what the hell is your problem, seek help . . . I'm not at work today. Management was gracious enough to provide me with a day off . . . unpaid. I know, lucky me. So, I've just been doing shit around the house, UPDATING MY RESUME, and the wife and I are heading out for a little trail hike up in Altadena. So . . . the funny will be back tomorrow.

"And monkeys might fly out of my butt . . . sheaa! "- Wayne's World

Jude Nude

This one is strictly for the ladies. I'm sure I've got a couple female readers out there. It pains me to post Law's one-eyed monster . . . 'cause it seriously looks like a monster. And I'm not talking large in size 'cause heck, I'm bigger than that, but it's just seriously ugly looking. But see, now you ladies owe me one. In payment, you must send pictures of your disrobed rack to bloggedjaime@gmail.com so that I can pass them off to The Sal. He's been going through some rough times, and he needs something to whack it to. If you don't, he'll probably end up whacking it to this picture. Is there anything sadder than an ex-marine polishing the rocket to an image of a naked Jude Law. I didn't think so. Do the right thing ladies. Help a brotha' out.

Bovine Herd Munches on Cannabis

Finally U.S. cows have something to envy about their Russian counterparts. Russian cows in the Ural region will be fed about 40 tons of marijuana over the winter as officials just don't know what to do with it other than feed it to the herd. They can't just burn it as they usually do and here's why:

MOSCOW (Reuters) - "There is simply no other way out. You see, the fields are planted with feed crops and if we remove it all the cows will have nothing to eat," a Federal Drugs Control Service spokeswoman for the Urals region of Sverdlovsk told the paper.

Those lucky russkie cows. I can already see them stumbling around, asking the other cows metaphysical questions and giggling uncontrollably when they get milked. And speaking of milk, just what is that going to be like? After a steady diet of cannabis, some THC should seep into their mammary glands . . . right? There's only one thing to do about this. I'm going to start buying Russian milk. Screw the American prudish milk. Nothing but growth hormones in that crap.

Jude Law's Teeny Tiny Pecker

Vindication! Men of the world rejoice. Jude Law has a smaller than average penis. This was recently found out when pictures of him changing out of his bathing suit in France leaked out to the British tabloid rags. I haven't seen the pictures personally, nor would I have the necessary equipment to view them. My electron microscope is currently in the shop getting it's electron's re-electrified. I hate it when there are more protons than electrons when I'm trying to see something infinitely miniscule. Anyway, here's a quote that pretty much sums up the whole issue that makes the above completely unnecessary.

"He's no Tommy Lee, that's for sure," sighed one unimpressed publicist who viewed copies of the paparazzi pix obtained by PAGE SIX."

I'm not sure if this makes me feel all that great though. He still looks like Jude Law. To really make this story stand out for me, a pallet full of concrete bricks should have fallen on his head. Then, while crushed, his pants would have fallen off, and then the women of the world would have seen, or had trouble finding, the teeny tiny pecker in question. Yeah, that's the story I'm waiting for.

Kabbalah-ntics

Well, it seems Kabbalah is not as powerful as Madonna thought it would be. Otherwise, that little red piece of string around her wrist would have protected her from falling of a horse during her 47th birthday celebration. Wait . . Madonna's 47?? Holy shit. What's she doing riding horses? Shouldn't she be hooked up to a oxygen tanks and eating all her meals via tube? Anyway . . . she suffered from 3 cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and a broken hand. The gap in the middle of her teeth is still intact. Gap-toothed bitch lovers can rest easy.

What does this all have to do with Kabbalah. Well, it is believed by the followers of this cult-ish religion that wearing those little red bracelets will bless and protect you . . . if you donate enough of your life savings to the movement. I guess Madonna must have been late on her "blessing and protecting" insurance. Her Kabbalah force-field must have been disabled when she lapsed in her payments. Oh well . . . it's all a sham anyway. Not like that Scientology. That stuff is 100% real.

BAFW Kabbalah Center

Announcing the grand opening of the virtual BAFW Kabbalah Center for the enrichment of the Jaime. Why open this organization? Well, I'm really hoping that Britney Spears donates a hefty sum of money like she just recently did to another, much less important, Kabbalah related charity. Just how much? $32,000. And why? To ensure that her child can start learning Kabbalah as soon as it pops out of her. What a nice parent. Making sure that her child belongs to a cult in utero.

This donation was made at the behest of Britney's spiritual mentor . . . Madonna. Yeah, she's taking spiritual cues from that old dried up hag. At this rate, she'll probably start taking nutrional advice from her dog Bit-Bit on how to lose that baby-makin' weight. I can already see her hunched over a metal bowl sharing the Kibbles N' Bits with her barely canine companion.

And what does Kevin Federline have to say about this? Not a damn thing. She's not paying him to talk. So Britney, my Kabbalah center is much better than the one Madonna's endorsing. It's got a much more direct link to the . . . um . . Kabbalah-whatzis thingamajigger . . and . . um . . . just write the check out to me. I'll explain it later.

Trailer Park

If you're anything like me, you spend a lot of time over at the Apple website ogling the hardware like an 18 year old who just stepped into his first titty bar. God I love the computers there . . and the iPods . . and the . . STOP! Ok, I'm getting off track here. After realising that my meager wages won't be enough to satisfy the computing hunger that builds inside me daily, I head on over to the Quicktime tab to check out trailers for upcoming movies. Here are a few that caught my eye this morning.

Jarhead - From the director of American Beauty, this one stars Jake Gyllenhaal, Chris Cooper, Peter Sarsgaard and Jamie Foxx who I'm sure is looking to shake the stench of "Stealth" off of himself. As far as I can tell from this trailer, this is about the first Iraq war. Might be worth a trip to the theater with The Sal. Although . . he might get flashbacks. Must remember to bring some sort of sedative. This one hits theaters in November.

The Fog - Tom Welling (Smallville), Selma Blair, Maggie Grace (Lost) and other actors that end up being fodder for Pirate ghosts star in this remake due out in October. I read somewhere that John Carpenter is OK with this being redone. I guess he's OK with cashing in on the paycheck they doled out to him. I can't tell if it's good or not from the trailer . . . but that fog looks pretty constipated . . and that would be enough to piss me off into offing a whole coastal town.

Everything Is Illuminated - Elijah Wood and a bunch of people with silly accents star in this movie by first time director Liev Shrieber. If that name sounds familiar, it's because you've seen him in a couple of movies. He was the Manchurian Candidate in the remake of the same name starring Denzel Washington last year. This is one of those "indie" films, so no explosions, no large special effects budget, no CGI, just a personal story of something or other that I'm sure will get your date to get all touchy feely with you while you're watching it in the theater. Trailer can be found here.

Doom - The complete opposite of the movie listed above, DOOM promises to be that movie that has the decent special effects budget with explosions, futuristic gun battles and computer generated baddies. It stars Karl Urban (The Two Towers, Bourne Supremacy) and The Rock. I like The Rock more as an actor than a wrestler, so it doesn't bother me that he's in this. This movie seems to be following the DOOM 3 storyline, so if they can get only a fraction of that translated onto the screen, it's going to be a fun 2 hours.

Serenity - This is the kind of movie that only came about because of the fans. The large amount of copies purchased of the entire run of the series, "Firefly", that was yanked by FOX prematurely, fueled the conception of this project. This is Joss Whedon's vision of the future. All the actors from the TV show are reprising their roles, and I hope this starts some sort of franchise for this universe. It's great fun, kind of a like a western in space. Words can't describe how much I have been anticipating this . . . so just check out the trailer. Come on September, get here already!

A Sound of Thunder - I only post this as a educational treatise on how NOT to make a movie based on an Isaac Asimov story. You all remember "I, Robot" starring Will Smith right . . . well, Hollywood keeps mining the Asimov mine, raping his legacy with seriously crappy movie material. Check out the travesty here. Prepare to be underwhelmed. Oh . . and time travel in 50 years? Yeah fucking right.

So end this edition of Trailer Park. I might do this every week or so . . . or not.

Diaper-Man

The United Kingdom's got some weird super heroes. The most recent one that's surfaced can only be described as "Diaper Man". Just what are his powers? It is not exactly known, but what is known is that some British women have spotted this diapered vigilante and are a little concerned. This excerpt from a news story can better describe just what is going on.

LONDON (Reuters) - UK police said Monday they were searching for a man wearing just a diaper, who approaches women late at night and asks: "Are there any baby changing facilities around here?"

Hold on . . . what? There are no super heroes in this dimensional plane? That's just a nut in a diaper trying to accost women? I'm not really a famous internet writer?? Oh man . . . this alternate reality I've built for myself is coming down faster than a house of cards in the middle of a farting conference.

Christopher Walken For President?

This might be a load of horse shit or an internet hoax. I don't know, but what I do know is that having Christopher Walken as President of the United States of America in the year 2008 would rock all sorts of ass. It would be the equivalent of seeing every single Victoria's Secret Model having a wardrobe malfunction at the same time . . . for ever. Yeah, that cool. Now, I am not familiar with his political inclinations, his platform, his beliefs, his anything. All I know is that I'm voting for him. Anything's better than Dick Cheney in '08. Click here for more (dis)information.

Don't Trust The Internet

Back in college I used to be pretty desperate for dates. Growing up in a sheltered environment, I had been cloistered away in my house and thought a good Friday involved watching the latest Blockbuster release with my mother and siblings . . . and this was still senior year of high school. So, when I moved out for college I finally started to experience freedom. The only problem was, I was extremely socially akward.

I did not know how to talk to girls. I could joke around with them, but that always ended up with me entering the "friend zone" of which there is no escaping. Trust me, I tried once and got shot down pretty quickly. Anyway, this was around 1997. The internet was starting to become more and more prevalent, and the internet personal ads is what I made a beeline to in search of dates. Yeah, what a fucking nerd. I know.

You have to understand, this was before Match.com or that fancy schmancy personality profile matcher one. This was text ads. No pictures most of the time, and women who described themselves in very loose terms. Nothing specific. I am surprised that what happened to me this time did not happen to me the first time around. And I think the first couple positive experiences that I had with internet personal ads led to my downfall. Everything that goes up, must go down.

So there I am, e-mailing this chick back and forth and thinking that I was talking to a relatively good looking young lady. She told me she was asian which automatically led me to believe she was petite and that she was whatever tall and had dark, long hair. Reading that now . . . I know the terrible mistake I made by assuming that she looked like every other asian girl I had thought was pretty back then. We made plans to meet up on a Friday on campus, in the mid-afternoon at the Associated Student Government office. That's where I spent most of my days. . . not because I was interested in Student Government. No. I was interested in their extremely effective air conditioning system. It got like a meat locker in there, and if you have spent a summer in Southern California, you'd have done the same thing.

Anyway, the day arrives, the time comes, and I'm feeling pretty excited about meeting this girl . . . when I feel a series of *thumps* approaching the area that I was in. I wasn't sure just what the hell was making this noise and shaking the bungalow that the office was located in. And then, to my heart's discontent, in enters a behemoth of a woman. And not just any behemoth of a woman . . . she was an Asian behemoth of a woman. She asks for Jaime, and I say "That's me, let's get out of here" without thinking. My only priority is getting her out of there so my friends don't start asking questions.

So here I am, walking side by side this veritable sumo wrestler, cursing the internet under my breath. I ask her if she wants to get a bite to eat . . . a really funny question when I think about it now, and she says no. We go anyway and I order a salad from the teaching staff's mess hall. Yeah, I had connections back in the day that kept me from eating the crap that was served to the regular students. Anyway, I'm eating my salad and she's drinking her Diet Pepsi . . . the conversation is non-existant. Mostly because I'm in shock that I had arranged a date with Godzilla's lazy-eyed sister. Oh, I didn't mention the lazy eye? That was the cherry a top the ginormous sundae that was this behemoth of a woman. I finished my tiny salad promptly and we walked around a bit, when a stroke of genius hit me like a ton of bricks.

I turn around and ask her "Hey, what time is it?" She says it's about 3:30pm and I, giving a performance of a lifetime that I truly believe merited a nod from the Oscar committee say "Oh man, I totally forgot, I have a study group meeting in 5 minutes. I'm sorry, I have to go". And so ended the most uncomfortable half an hour of my life. I never did see that "girl" again. Which is kinda strange since she was so huge that astronauts on the Mir Space Station could have probably spotted her from orbit.

So kids . . . if there's anything you can take away from this story is . . . don't trust women on the internet. In the great and vast ocean that is the internet, you'll dive in looking for a wide-mouth bass and end up spending half an hour with a lazy eyed humpback whale. I don't know exactly how that analogy works, but trust me . . . it ain't pretty.

Christina Nipple-era

Why is it that it's always the slutty chicks that suffer from the nipple slip? Why can't it be some classy broad who also happens to be hot? Why can't they not have as many "wardrobe malfunctions" as the Christina Aguileras or Pam Andersons of the world. Instead, we're stuck looking at this, and rolling our eyes collectively because you know she was asking for it. Seriously, did you expect that top to stay up without the aid of crazy glue? I didn't think so. Anyway, enjoy it for what it is . . . another slut showing us just how slutty she can be. Paris Hilton/Tara Reid/Crack Whores working the Downtown Los Angeles area . . the gauntlet has been thrown. Your turn.

Blog Suck-sposion

You know, I used to like Blog Explosion. Really digged their service. Enjoyed the 4000+ hits they sent to this little blog last month. Ever since they "updated" their surfing scripts, traffic originating from there has pretty much come to a screeching halt. I'm lucky if they send 20 visits this way via surfing. What's up with that? They claim that it's all worked out and that they've fixed the problem . . . but the problem persists.

And then they declined my 2nd blog, Things Of Interest, for rotation. They didn't do it just once. Twice now. I adjusted the blog to meet their initial demands for diminished ad space, and then they turn around and say that I talk too much about their competitors. What a bunch of pansies. You know what . . . screw you BE. Things Of Interest doesn't need the 10 - 15 visits a day that you would send it. It's being taken care of by Blog Clicker, Blog Soldiers and TS25 just fine. I recommend, nay . . . encourage, anyone experiencing problems with surfing traffic to check out those other traffic generators.

EDIT: My gripe with Blog Explosion seems to have come to an end. They have admitted Information Junk-tion into the rotation making up for declining Things Of Interest so many times. Thanks to Rachel for her kind action. Now . . . put away the paddle.

Courtney Love - Mother Of The Year

Frances Bean Cobain is a lucky girl. Her mother, the infamous Courtney Love, recently attended the Roast of Pamela Anderson. This is one event where comedians tear down a person's self-esteem and then tell them that they love them 5 minutes later. It's kinda like marriage. Haha, just kidding. I guess Pam and Courtney are great friends, which is why she was invited, but Comedy Central was forced to edit out most of the footage involving Courtney Love. Why? Well, this is the photographic evidence.
Not content with flashing the audience, she also exposed her panties to a shocked Friar's audience. These people are used to raunchy comedy bits. Most of the comedians swear like sailors on leave . . . or my mother . . . when they're up there. I guess Courtney wanted to one up them by showing the cavernous crevace that is her coochie. That's not all though.
She also thought it'd be neat to mime fellatio on one of the guys on stage. I swear, Courtney Love is so whorish that she makes Tara Reid look like a devout Catholic nun. These images would be a little easier to stomach if Courtney hadn't ballooned up to Kirstie Alley proportions and applied her makeup in the dark, blindfolded . . . and aided by a helper monkey. So congratulations Frances Bean Cobain. Your mother wins "Mother of the Year" here at BAFW. We'd send you a price, but we're afraid you'd bludgeon yourself to death with it.

German Wife Roadkilled . . . Twice

What is up with those kooky Germans. While browsing the internet, i find this:

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 75-year-old German was so shocked he had accidentally run down his wife he started forward and drove over her again, authorities said on Wednesday. Police in the western town of Bad Nauheim said the man compounded his 73-year-old wife's misery after an onlooker told him he had just run her over while backing out . . . The woman was rushed to hospital and survived.

This is usually nothing to laugh about, but that didn't stop me this time. Come on, he ran her over twice. He must have been wondering "who installed a speedbump in my driveway?". This reminds me of the old guy who plowed into the Santa Monica Farmer's Market because he thought that the gas pedal was the brake. Can we start taking away the old people's driver licenses already? I can't even begin to estimate the number of times I've almost gotten killed by an old man/woman behind the wheel of a Cadillac. Mainly because I was shooting an AK-47 at them, but come on . . . they're a menace behind the wheel. They must be stopped!

Reid Test Bullet-Proof Vests

That's the only explanation I can come up with that would explain why she's got such a lumpy stomach. It looks like she replaced whatever stomach she had before for a mass of material that closely resembles cottage cheese but has the coloration of badly tanned white skin. The reason I say this, if you are familiar with bullet proof vests, there used to be this guy who sold them to police precincts and tested them out for them before making a sale. He would then, turn a gun on himself point blank, and shoot. Tara Reid's stomach looks just like that guy's chest did after years and years of selling bullet-proof vests.

Maybe her stomach can absorb bullets, not deflet them. I'd like to shoot at her a couple of times to test this theory out. If she starts bleeding from the gut, then oh well . . my bad. Tee-hee.

Kelly Carlson is Crazy

Kelly Carlson, who shouldn't be wearing that much clothes ever, is crazy. Yeah, I know she plays a somewhat unhinged porn star on the FX show "Nip/Tuck", but in real life, she's crazy too. Anyone familiar with the show will remember the episode where a life sized Real Doll sextoy was made to look exactly like her, and one of the plastic surgeons fucked the shit out of it. Well . . she decided to keep it as a memento.

"She's in my living room. I put pants and a sweater on her to make her a non-sexual being. I have to warn people about her, because she's a little freaky. So many people have told me to sell her on eBay, but it freaks me out what people would do with her. She has my face, so I'm protective. I don't want her to get sexually violated."

Yeah, it's not wearing sexy garter belts and lingerie, she's dressed up the sex doll as a friggin' soccer mom and probably has nice little tea parties with it where they talk about the weather, what hot boys they saw when they went shopping, and tips on how to keep their blond hair blond. This is ridiculous. That is not how the thing was intended to be used.

But it's good to know that someone is sticking up for sex toy rights in America. Go on Kelly Carlson. Don't let them be relegated to the back of the bus. You can be the Rosa Parks of the "Don't sexually violate the sextoys" movement. Power to the plastic people!

Bay Clones Crappy Clonus Plot

The Sal and I went to watch Micheal Bay's latest "The Island" and found it to be an entertaining action chase flick. We also found Scarlett Johanssen's curves to be entertaining, but hey, we're guys. What did you expect? A couple of fellows that didn't find the Bay action flick to be entertaining at all were the producers and director of "Parts:The Clonus Horror", a film released in the late 70's that has a very similar plot. I'm guessing that they didn't like it because it brought back traumatic memories of the shoot of Clonus. Man, that movie was a turd, but they might have a case.

The plot of Clonus goes a little something like this. A colony of clones is raised to believe that every once in a while one of them is chosen to go to a promised land called America when in reality, they're just being used for spare parts. The plot for The Island is as follows: A colony of clones is led to believe that via a lottery they are sent to a promised land known as The Island when in reality they are just being used for spare parts.

Pretty damning evidence. What I don't understand is, why are they suing anyway? Not like "The Island" made any money in the theaters. It tanked hard. And if you're not an avid watcher of "Mystery Science Theater 3000", chances are you've never even heard of "Parts:The Clonus Horror". But hey, if Micheal Bay rips off my movie idea that is yet unfilmed about ninja kittens that battle the evil minions of the Dark Lord Woof and his canine axis of evil (notice the Iraq War reference), then I'm suing too. That fucker Bay's pockets are lined with gold, and I want me a piece of that action.

The Argument Against Abstinence

So, earlier this week I had posted the "Argument for Abstinence", much thanks to Hippo Spears for the pictures. They were great visual aids, and I'm sure I scared some young and impressionable young kids into either getting radical histerectomies or a pre-pubescent vasectomy operation. Since there are two sides to every coin . . at least the coins I'm aware of . . . here is the argument against abstinence.
Will you look at that preggo rack? That's Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger. And if you're looking for the rack on Ledger, you're an idiot. I guess sometimes, pregnant women can look ok, so long as they don't go to extreme lengths to look like they just rolled out of their round water bed and walked out of their double wide trailer home . . . *ahem*Mrs Spears-Federline*ahem*. I've never been a fan of Williams. Didn't watch past the first season of Dawson's Creek, and really have not followed her film career afterwards. But I'm sure that rack's gonna get her work so long as it doesn't deflate immediately after bearing the child she's carrying. And what's with all these celebrities having babies this year? Did I miss the memo? Is 2005 officially the "Let's get a tax break" year? I'm going to have a talk about this with the wife when I get home. I want a tax break too.

Drunken Passed Out Idiot of The Week

How stupid drunk do you have to be to not only pass out while taking a shit but also manage to break the porcelain throne upon which you are drunkenly shitting on. This is a rare talent only displayed in the whitest of males with a proclivity for binge drinking Pabst or Schlitz, or whatever other cheap beer you can get at the Piggly Wiggly for 99 cents a six pack. I wouldn't know, my sophisticated taste buds recoil at even the thought of them touching the vile, unwashed masses drink of choice that is fermented barley and hops. If this is where it leads, then I will pass. I'm not too fond of sleeping on public restroom tiles either, as I prefer the comfort of my own restroom's tile floor. But hey, that's only personal preference. If you want to wake up with hepatitis on your cheek and herpes on your forehead, then go right ahead.

Ass-Picking Alba Action

I really am torn by the papparazzi mentality. Sure, they can be bothersome, have killed (*ahem*Princess Di*ahem*) people of interest with their relentless pursuit, and can be extremely rude in their attempts to get that perfect shot that will bring a celebrity down a peg or two. This last thing I listed is why I am torn in my opinion on them. I will never know the outrage that is being persecuted by men with highpowered lenses, but Jessica Alba should. Which is why this picture of her picking her ass is just so damn funny.
Just look at her go, it's like she's in the ass-picking Olympics or something. That hand is just a few centimeters away from being swallowed by Alba's anus. She must have been eating jalapenos the night before. Those always make my ass itch on the way out. And let's not get started with the burning sensation. I guess that's why Jessica Alba decided to take a refreshing dip in the ocean. It would cool down the burning, but do nothing to alleviate the itching. But I'm sure there are thousands of guys out there that are willing scratch that itch for her. I don't know with which appendage, but I'm sure that problem will get plugged eventually.

Conversations With The Sal - Ep V

05:55PM The Sal: i got issues man
05:55PM me: are you going to be ok man
05:56PM me: do you need to talk
05:57PM The Sal: no but thanks...i've been really pensive thats all
05:57PM The Sal: i get like this when i think too much
05:57PM me: aight man
05:57PM The Sal: it sux
05:57PM me: you're like a woman
05:57PM me: always thinking
05:57PM me: Heather sometimes can't fall asleep at night cause she's thinking a mile a second
05:58PM The Sal: i have the same prob
05:58PM me: woman
05:58PM me: grow some cojones and turn your damn brain off
05:58PM The Sal: u cant
05:58PM The Sal: turn it off
05:58PM The Sal: and on yo
05:58PM me: man, when i don't want to think, i don't think
05:59PM me: i swear to god i can just sit there with an empty blank stare or close my eyes and my brain will be on neutral
05:59PM The Sal: lol
05:59PM me: you're telling me you can't do that
06:00PM The Sal: ya i can
06:00PM me: see, i was just doing it right now
06:00PM The Sal: i have this thing where i costantly have to be doing something to get my mind off things
06:01PM The Sal: im telling ya man problems
06:01PM me: weirdo, maybe you have unusually high estrogen levels
06:01PM The Sal: no
06:01PM The Sal: hell no
06:01PM me: yeah right
06:01PM me: whatever Mary
*The Sal actually vocalizes a "WHAT!?"
06:01PM me: what, you want a different chick name
06:01PM me: fine, you're Estella from now
06:01PM The Sal: lol
06:01PM me: don't make me tell you twice woman
06:02PM me: now. . . where's my dinner bitch

I don't know what's wrong with The Sal lately. He's been a little mopey, borderline EMO today. He said it was something about loosing some ass or something like that. I didn't check to see if he had both cheeks intact . . . but I'm assuming it's about a girl. Isn't it always. But it's kinda surprising how he can't just turn off the brain like the normal male can. I do that all time. Helps me fall asleep faster while my wife tosses and turns next to me 'cause she's thinking about things she needs to do a week from now. Women . . go figure.

The Argument For Abstinence

Kids, today I'd like to talk to you about abstinence. I know, that being a predominantly visually oriented society, you need visual aids to understand what is being told to you. That is why Mrs Spears-Federline has been so gracious enough to display just why having sex can lead to truly disastrous effects. Do notice the before picture. That is how she looked before sex. Notice that there is a great deal of attractiveness there. Sure, she doesn't portray a whole lot of intelligence, but for some, that's not important. Now, the after (below)picture is what should be making you consider either duct taping an orifice shut or considering chemical castration. Look at that stomach. Mrs Spears-Federline is actually sunbathing on an aircraft carrier. It's the only vessel that could hold that kind of tonage. Also, notice that her legs have become small and squat, like a midgets'. This is most likely due to the tremendous weight that they have to support on a daily basis. So, remember kids. If you don't want to end up like, or having a girlfriend that looks like, Ms Spears-Federline, then I have one simple and very easy piece of advice for you. "Back door, no baby".

Basic Ass-Kicking 101

I'm not sure if many people went to check out last year's pure action filck "Ong Bak". Sure, it was in a foreign language, and people are likely to scoff at that and go catch the latest Hollywood crapfest that rolls down the pike. So, if you missed it, then do not fall into the same pattern with Tony Jaa's latest film "Tom Yun Goong". I have no idea what it's about. It's got some holy elephant, and he needs to get it back? Something like that. Who cares. Just watch this trailer and be amazed at what this tiny little thai dude can do. No wires, no CGI, just bare bones ass-kickery of the highest degree. Go on, spoil yourself. Click on the link above. You might need a bandaid for your eyes after Jaa is done assaulting your visual senses with moves that just make you say "holy shit".

NY Slaps Down "Smackfest"

I really miss the old New York. You know, before they cleaned it up and turned into a pseudo-family vacation spot. Back when the streets were dirty and you could get a hooker on one block, and then walk a couple of blocks and get your crack cocaine. It gave the city character. A little edge. That whole "Don't fuck with us NY'ers 'cause we'll kick your nuts in". Now, they're even banning voluntary slap fights.

I came across this today.

ALBANY, N.Y. - A New York City radio station has agreed to stop its "Smackfest" promotion, in which women slap each other for prizes, under a $240,000 settlement announced Monday, said state Attorney General Eliot Spitzer.

What? Why is it that New York would ban the voluntary slapping of women who are willing to participate in this "Smackfest" in the interest of winning prices? It's their face. It's their hand. When did the local state governments lay claim to that? This is an outrage. When our women are not able to freely smack each other around for the entertainment of our men . . . then the terrorists have won.

R.I.P News

Peter Jennings has passed on at the age of 67 due to lung cancer. I'm sure you are all aware of who he was. News anchor for ABC news, I remember watching him from time to time and thinking to myself:"What a stand up guy". I really enjoyed the interview he did on the Daily Show that one time months ago. He looked fine then. But, the cancer claims all, healthy looking or not.

My Personal Ouch of The Day

This is a perfect representation of what I am going through today at work. Speaking to customers, who are on the majority, pretty retarded who keep going on and on about how terrible the service is. If it's so damn terrible, why do you still have an account with us? It's really funny how masochistic people can be. It's like they don't want to run the risk of the greater inconvenience that is having to change something that has become pretty regular in their lives. I'd be more than happy to cancel their accounts. I don't care. There are a million other customers who would take their place in an effort to save money. I'm not saying that the product is subpar. I don't personally use it, but I can understand why some would opt to use it in an effort to keep costs down. It's just that speaking to the members . . . oy vay . . . leads me to do the pictured almost on a daily basis.

Search Results

Should I be worried that a great deal of visits to this website are being generated by people entering "Fergie pissing herself" into their search engine of choice? Is this going to be this particular blog's claim to fame? I shouldn't be complaining about it, a hit's a hit, and I'm grateful for the readership. It's quite amusing though, that I get visits from piss fetishists and Hermione afficionados. Yeah, I've been noticing that as well. Somehow, this blog is just attracting perverts.

If you're wondering how I know, I use Sitemeter. They tell you just about anything you want to know about the traffic coming into your site. By hitting the "by referrals" link in my profile there, I can see just where the traffic is coming from. Most of the time it says Blogexplosion, Blog Soldiers, Blog Advance and Blog Clicker. Those I know I get traffic from on a daily basis. It's the google, yahoo, and MSN referrals that yield the above information. And I'm sure this post about Fergie pissing and the actress who plays Hermione in those silly Harry Potter movies will generate more pervert traffic here.

Return Of The Living Dead Ritchie

Upon first looking at this picture, I thought to myself: "Wow, that George Romero sure can make Zombies look very convincing. That one even looks like the putrefied remains of Nicole Ritchie. It's even got convincing rigomortis articulation." I was already praising the next great Romero flick when I realized, that it's just regular Nicole Ritchie, and she's not even dead yet. She sure looks like it. That steady diet of cocaine, diet pills, and colonics has worked wonders for her figure. Actually, it's worked a little too well since she's looking like the 35 yr old corpse of a 90 yr old woman. That's 125 years for those not good with the math. I'm sure she thinks she looks "hot" or "cute" and that we "love it" but in reality, no catch phrase other than "holy mother of fucking God what have you done to yourself" can quite encapsulate what the whole world is thinking.

"I'm Rich Biatch!"

It's over. There will be no more Chapelle Show. The much awaited third season will not be airing, in it's entirety at least. About half of the season has been taped, but months ago, Dave took off to South Africa and the project has been in limbo ever since. It's kinda sad. This, along with Reno 911, was one of the best shows that Comedy Central had ever put out. It was just as good as The Daily Show. And that's saying a lot, since not much can come close to the comedic gold that is Jon Stewart and his Daily Show pals.

Charlie Murphy has started to hammer the nails in the show's coffin. He states, in a recent interview pulled from the ABC news site, the following:

"`Chappelle's Show' is over, man. Done," comic Charlie Murphy told TV Guide. "It took me a long time to be able to say those words, but I can say it pretty easy now, because it's the truth."

Darkness has spoken. The sun has set on a great show. I just hope that Comedy Central can fill the void with something, and by something, I don't mean re-runs of the first two seasons and his "Killing 'em Softly" HBO special. Quit milking the dead cow Comedy Central. Please, just let it end with a small amount of dignity.

Preggo Spears Name Feud

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are arguing right now. What about? The name of their prospective offspring. Why it's even a news story is really strage to me. Who cares what the hell they're going to name that flipper-footed inbred nightmare that's currently gestating in her uterus. Not that I have anything against the kid, but having those parents are two out of three strikes against it. I hope it grows up to do something productive other than walk around in workout suits clearly not coming back from the gym and donning trucker hats with the words "Sexy Bitch" bedazzled on the non-mesh portion of the hat. And what's in that bag Spears is carrying around? Someone tell her that's a non-edible giraffe. I'm pretty sure she just thought she would be able to slap that down on a some Wonderbread with a heavy helping of mayonaise and wolf it down. Mayo and Wonderbread, it's what's for dinner at the Spears household, freakin rednecks.

The name in question is "Charlie", which Britney fell in love with after watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". Federline wants to name it Kevin Jr. Wonder how that would work out if they have a little girl. Somehow, I just can see a little girl walking around saying "Hello, my name is Kevin Jr.". But then again, Michelle Branch named her little girl Owen, so it's not all that impossible. Whatever ends up being the name of the infant, one thing is clear. Adoption is the only viable course of action that would lead to a healthy environment for the kid. So, do the right thing Spear-Federline's. Give the kid a chance at a normal life.

Branch Breeds

Michelle Branch, who no one has heard anything about for the past couple of years (should her star status be revoked by now), has just popped out a baby girl from her uterus. Named Owen . . um . . hold on. Owen? Isn't that a guy's name? It's not like Bobbi or Terri that have the "i" that denotes femininity. If she had named her Owin, then maybe it would have slid, but use the regular spelling? Are they confused? Do they not know that vagina means girl, penis means boy? Oh well, it's their kid. They could call her Charles Manson Branch for all I care.

So, where was I, oh yeah. Who'd want to put their penis in her anyway? She looks like she's got a bit of the down syndrome. Is her middle name "Corky". Maybe it's just that retarded perception of make-up usage that she's adhering to. Nice kabuki/clown motiff you're going for. The trucket hat makes it so much classier. But hey, ugly chicks need loving too right. Whoever jumped on that granade, mankind owes you a debt of gratitude. Just don't keep spawning with Branch. We don't need more ugly kids running around this world with too much money on their hands. Just look at the Osbournes. Yeegh.

Don't Stiff Brazilian Prostitutes

Eight men have been arrested in Brazil after a prostitute there complained to police that she was being underpaid. The men were allegedly hiring prostitutes to star in amateur porno films that are in high demand in the United States for that type of production. They were paying these women $130 per scene, and this one particular prostitute didn't feel that it was what her self-worth demanded.

You know, I don't get paid much where I work. I should call the cops, and have the CEO arrested. I am underpaid and my health benefits are non-existant. I'm willing to bet these Brazilian whores are making more money and are in better health than I am. Unfortunately for me, exploiting the workforce is not illegal in the United States, while exploiting hookers is illegal in Brazil. Prostitution is not, and neither is porn, but if you don't pay your hookers enough, you're in trouble.

And is $130 per scene really that bad? What's the dollar to Brazilian money exchange like? It's got to be enough to keep their samba lessons paid and to buy plenty of coconut shell bikinis while paying for their lodging expenses. I mean, how much do amateur porn chicks make here in the U.S. Two, three, maybe four hundred per scene? Or a cup of coffee and some chinese food? Now that's a bargain.

"Hide & Creep" From This Movie

"Hide & Creep" is Alabama's response to "Shaun of the Dead". A zombie comedy devoid of comedy, and some of the most retarded zombie action ever to be put out on DVD. I didn't actually pay for this, and at the risk of hearing "never look a gift horse in the mouth" comments from people out there, I'm going to do my best to review this hunk of crap that I forced my DVD player to play.

There's not much plot to this movie. Zombies rise from the grave and attack people. There's supposed to be some sort of alien subplot, but apart from one of the main characters mentioning that his ass is sore, it's not explored. It's sort of thrown out there like spaghetti is thrown to a wall. The only problem is, this spaghetti's not sticking. And this particular subplot provides us with ample shots of a redneck walking around the woods butt naked. It's not a pretty sight. Where are the stunt butts when you need them.

While watching this, I kept thinking to myself what great Kevin Smith fans the guys that made this movie might have been. They pretty much go for that same kind of dialogue that carried Smith's first mediocre movie, Clerks. They even have a slacker-ish smartass running the town video store. If you catch the Coca-Cola vs Pepsi tirade while watching this, then you know exactly what I mean. The only thing that separates this from Smith dialogue is . . . well, Kevin Smith can write. These guys can't. But they were gracious enough to emulate the shitty camera work, complete lack of budget, and the characters cavalier attitude towards a zombie apocalypse.

While looking at the box art for this, you'll notice a couple of the characters from the movie with gun belts crossed over their chests, shotguns in hand. The only thing is, there is not one single shotgun in this movie. It's all rifles, and they all looked like .22 caliber rifles. They kind you go out shooting birds or cats with. And no gun belts either. It's total false advertisement. So is the blurb on the box art that reads "Even funnier than Shaun of the Dead". The quote is pulled from "Kevin Smith's Movie Poopshoot" website, but it's never credited to anyone. It might have been a line from someone posting in a forum on that site. It's quite the lofty claim, as SOTD is a zombie comedy of superior caliber and quality.

There's nothing much original as far as zombie rules of engagement go. They are slow, dumb, and munch on the flesh of the living. Do they look good? Nah. If you've seen "Night of the Living Dead", then you know what to expect. I know that movie is a classic, and they could get away with zombies that looked like regular people that hadn't slept in a week, but now, 50 years later, it just looks stupid. They film makers do show us some zombie strippers . . but just for the hell of it. In fact, most of the zombie action in this happens just for the hell of it. There is no build up of tension. It's just a character walking and boom! there are the zombies. Run away, or fight them. The only thing new here is that zombies are afraid of the dark. Never explained, just thrown out there. The gag in the bathroom where one of the characters is cornered and gets away by turning off the lights is hardly funny. Never have I sat through a movie thinking "why do I do this to myself?".

Should you avoid this movie like the plauge. Yes. Is it better than the Uwe Boll classic "House of the Dead"? Marginally, but definitely better than "Hookers in a Haunted House". If I had a grading system in place, I'd give this movie a negative three stars. But I don't, so I'm just going to give it a positive two middle fingers.

Jimi Gaydrix

Jimi Hendrix is really one of the best musicians to have ever lived. He played that electric guitar like he was touched by a greater power. Seeing this news story about him doesn't change my opinion on him, but it's pretty damn funny.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Jimi Hendrix, regarded as one of the greatest electric guitar players and known as a prodigious womanizer, lied about being gay to get out of the U.S. Army and pursue his true love -- music, according to a new biography of the rock legend.

Apparently, Hendrix had enlisted in the 101st Airborne in 1961. It was either that or go to jail for stealing cars. 13 months later, he was discharged. He claimed that it was an injured ankle, but his discharge papers state "Homosexual Tendencies". This new biography uncovers the fact that Hendrix actually pretended to be gay to be discharged from the military, saving him from going off to Vietnam. Not that it prolonged his life much. If he didn't die to a Vietcong bullet, it would have been the overdose that did him in.

Heck, if I were him, either then or now, I probably would have pretended to be gay to get out. It was either Vietnam or Iraq. I would have showed up for psych evaluations wearing Jessica Simpson's daisy dukes and a tied up t-shirt with a camo handbag and those giant boots those raver kids wear. Anything to get out of the insanity that is the current administration's battle plan.

Afro Samurai

God, I wish I had come up with this concept first. I know that there was some sort of plan in my head formulating that would combine the grace of the samurai, with the panache of the afro. But alas, I was beaten to the punch by someone else. The world wins either way, as Samuel L. Jackson has attached himself to the project. This man deserves a harem with 37 virgin wives. He doesn't have to strap a bomb to himself and suicide bomb anything.

You can read about the details in Variety. I don't supply the link 'cause it's a subscription service, and I am not into paying for stuff online. You can also check out the Aint It Cool News article here. That I do endorse, as this site is pretty damn cool. Yeah, I said it. Damn cool. So, pick up your afro picks and samurai swords, and get ready for your senses to be assaulted . . . in a good way.

Multi-Dimensional Theory

Does being the spawn of Goldie Hawn automatically qualify you for a nice and snug fitting straight-jacket? I ask because Kate Hudson, daughter of the one they call Goldie, has been saying some strange and perturbing things to the media in conjunction with the release of her newest film "The Skeleton Key". I'll let the crazy do the talking from now.

"I think it's fascinating. We can see our three-dimensional world — that's where we exist — but it's proven that we exist in a multi, multi-dimensional realm and how amazing to be able to tap in to those other dimensions."

Now, this doesn't sound all that sane to me. You can judge for yourself though. What I'm thinking is that working with all that Louisiana mumbo jumbo jambalaya might have tweaked her perceptions a little bit. Skewed them towards insanity if you will. Or, the more insidious theory . . . another celebrity wooed by the lure of Scientology. She's a little too old for Tom Cruise, so don't expect him to move on to Hudson, but I hear there are massive orgies (allegedly) happening in underground levels of the L. Ron Hubbard center in Hollywood, so they might want a Kate Hudson around, allegedly. In any case, one thing can be said about Kate Hudson, and that is . . . girl, you so crazy.

Sitemeter Stats

I think I'm falling in lust with Sitemeter's free service. Who knows, it might just make my paypal send it a little money to pamper me with their detailed payed level stats. I might just wait 'til I'm a Blog Mogul for that though. Until then, I'm enjoying their FREE comprehensive stat tracking. Here's a little taste for those uninitiated in the Sitemeter experience. As you can see, I've only had it for a month or so. I'll be posting these up at the beginning of each month as a way to track the progress this little site's doing. For the stat-junkies out there . . check out Sitemeter.

Mighty Mouse To The Rescue

Thanks to Crazy Dan for posting about this in his West Texas Rocks blog (which is one click away over at my "Links" list, check it out). I was not aware that Apple had improved the functionality of their mouse with this newest model. Until now, it was just the one click optical mouse. Seems things have gotten a little mightier around the fruit based computer company.

Now, Crazy Dan does have a bit of a sarcastic outlook on this new product. Sure, it's now got two "buttons" like the PC counterparts, but those buttons are actually touch sensitive areas of the mouse. This is a little more advanced that the clicky PC mouse. Also, the scroll thingiemagig that regular PC mice employ has been improved by Apple and replaced with a track ball right where the scroll button used to be. And there are those two more buttons on the side of the mouse which adds more functionality to the whole thing.

I like it. I am an Apple user. I don't free base it, but I am fond of their computer products. In my opinion, they run circles around Microsoft. I don't personally use a mouse with my computer though. I have an Apple iBook, but if I had a non-laptop computer at home, I would buy this. Looks way better than the crappy Logitech that my work provides. Yeah, I'm looking at you logitech. Bad mouse.

Harry Potter And The Camel Toe of Fire

Here's a little treat for all the rabid Harry Potter fans. You know who you are. The ones that camped out at midnight the day before the newest book came out just so you could read it before anyone else did. Yeah, great use of your time. Anyway, the picture above is from the upcoming movie . . Goblet of something or other. I don't care. What catches my eye is the prominent camel toes displayed. It's rare you get both male and female represented within the same frame. Enjoy. I'd like to extend my apologies to all the perverts that were expecting some Hermione Camel Toe action. Seriously, get some help.

EDIT: Click the picture to . . . enlarge it. And by "it" I mean the picture. *shakes head*

Black Eyed Piss

Take a close look at that picture. That's Fergie from the Black Eyes Peas . . . pissing herself during the San Diego Street Scene concert. I guess that when you gotta go, you gotta go. It doesn't surprise me that she would pee herself during a concert. The Black Eyed Peas have shat all over their past musical credibility in the process of selling out in every conceivable way. They would endorse Dr. Kevorkian's newest Suicide-o-Matic if he payed them enough money.

Now, I do have to mention that the group's PR people are saying that the patch of moisture emanating from Ms Fergie's crotch is actually sweat, and not that icky and yucky urine. I've been to Street Scene a few years ago while I was residing in San Diego. It gets pretty hot. But I can personally attest that despite me being covered in sweat, my crotch was still talcum powder fresh. And who sweats from only their snatch? That's piss. No doubt about it. But hey, this is quite fortunate since the Black Eyed Peas will be endorsing a new line of Depends Adult Diapers later this year. This can be the before picture.

Terrorism Down Under

After the attacks on London transportation networks, the world is a little on edge fearing that they're next on the terrorist hit list. Countries are adopting an "if you see something, say something" approach when it comes to "suspicious" items being left behind, which is exactly what prompted an Aussie bus driver to call the cops to investigate a package that was left behind in his bus.

SYDNEY (Reuters) -The driver found the package on the rear seat of his bus after completing his route around the Sydney beachside of Coogee Sunday. Fearing it could be an explosive device of some kind, he called the police. "It was an unattended item, emitting a popping sound," a police spokesman said. "Just as a precautionary measure, police went and investigated. It's a whoopee cushion," he said.

Is this one of those "dirty bombs" I keep hearing about? Are terrorists resorting to fart technology to disrupt our corrupt, capitalist governments? If that's the case, then I am guilty of setting of one of those dirty bombs. What can I say, I was young at the time. I thought it'd be funny to set off a stink bomb in the meat department of the local grocerie store. Let's see how long the CIA takes to get here and arrest me. Oh, they better get to me quickly, I'm planning another dirty bomb attack within the next hour or so. I had beans for dinner last night.

Jesus Gets A Woody

The face of Jesus, Son of God, cruxifiction afficionado, has appeared in a tree, hence the clever title. I know, I crack myself up too. I guess grilled cheese sandwhiches are the realm of the Virgin Mary, eh . . to each religious diety their own I says. Here's some details from Reuters:

SARAJEVO (Reuters) - Christians are flocking to a northwestern Bosnian town to view an image of Jesus Christ that allegedly appeared in a section of a cut tree branch two days ago, Bosnian media reported Friday. The image resembling Jesus' face cannot be seen from a close distance but only from a few meters away. The branch in the town of Bijeljina was cut about a year ago, said Oslobodjenje daily.

It should also be noted that, to truly get a great view of the Messiah on wood, you need to squint really hard, be blindfolded, and asked to look up "Naive" in the dictionary because someone told you it wasn't there. Seriously, this is not a miracle. I'll tell you what a miracle is. FOX keeping a show that's decent on the air. That's a miracle. I have to go now. I have to catch "That 70's Show" on TV . . . *groans*

Baby Target Practice

I came across this picture online while surfing through the thousands upon thousands of websites that I rife through in an attempt to increase the traffic to this little corner of the internet, and . . um . . shit, I'm rambling again. What's this about? Oh yeah, babies being used for target practice. And it's about goddamn time too. Seriously, what are these babies doing other than shitting, eating, vomiting, and pissing all over the place. That's right, put them to work. Nothing more stress-relieving than shooting sucktion darts from a realistic looking dart gun at a baby. Just look at that toddler's face. Priceless.

Now, you can call me evil all you want, but remember that I only endorse sucktion darts. I don't endorse the use of live ammunition, or even gerbils being shot out of cannons. So, all the "mommies" that spend countless hours online looking for something to be offended by . . . zip it. Shouldn't you be in the kitchen anyway? You know, baking that pie that your husband asked for 2 days ago? Sheesh.