I'm Wanted

You know, sometimes it's nice being wanted by something/someone. But when you're already part of something, and they keep wanting you, it gets a little annoying. What exactly am I talking about? Car insurance. You see, my wife and I had our own individual auto policies . . . but when she got her new car, we decided to merge our insurances to save money over all. So, I did away with my own personal policy and piggy-backed onto hers. My pretty spotless driving record (just as of late) would offset her not-so-great record. For the first couple of months, everything was going alright. And then, I started getting stuff in the mail from AIS, our insurance broker.

At first I thought it might be just a glitch in their system. They just probably hadn't noticed that I was with my wife's AIS brokered Mercury Insurance policy. But I keep getting things in the mail from them, 2 years after we did this, begging me to get back with them. Usually, I just discard it, but then they started e-mailing me. Here's their latest effort.

AIS Wants You Back!

You were previously insured with Auto Insurance Specialists and We Want You Back!

I’m Sam from AIS and I have been assigned to work on your account.
I will help you find a low price on insurance with coverage that is best for you. Please call me directly at 800-8xx-xxxx / ext. xxxx, M-F from 9am-6pm.

Please contact me via phone or email me (Sam@xxx) with a convenient time and I'll call you. I look forward to working with you.

Sam Axxxxx
10 years of service with AIS

I thought this time, I would respond to them. Here's my e-mail response to good ol' helpful Sam.

Seriously? No way. 'Cause I totally already have a policy thru AIS with Mercury Insurance with my wife. You're telling me that you can beat your own low prices? Outstanding!

But on a more serious note, these repeated e-mails and mail notifications to get back with your company when I'm already with your company shows poor communication between your departments. This is totally making me rethink my relationship with AIS and Mercury insurance.

Jaime P.
Current Customer
Stop contacting me.

I haven't heard back from Sam yet. Hopefully I won't ever. And they'll leave me the fuck alone.

Spam and Response

Seriously, who falls for shit like this these days anymore. If I thought that free money were out there, ripe for the taking, I would have already quit and would be living the high life with some dead Nigerian empresario's millions. Here's the latest e-mail I got today (twice).

Dear Friend,

I am Michael Jones, I was the credit manager of SNS Bank Laison Office U.K.

I have a proposal to discuss about a late Friend of mine, on fixed deposit
in the bank.

Please contact me through email if you are interested to know.

Thank you.

Regards,
Michael Jones.

If it were a close friend of his, why didn't he just get the money himself or get someone in the fucking UK to run his scam on. He has to contact someone clear across the fucking Atlantic Ocean? Usually, I just dump them in the trash, but today . . . since the douche-bag sent me two, I felt compelled to respond. Here's my tactfully worded letter.

Dear Not-Friend

Mr Jones, I would appreciate if you kept your bullshit e-mail scams to yourself. Not a single motherfucking day goes by without one of your jackass cohorts trying to get me a large sum of money if I just sent them my personal information. Was I born yesterday? I'm pretty sure I wasn't. So quit wasting your time, get a real job, and fuck off. Take this as a notice of non-interest. Go get your fish n' chips on and whack off to pictures of Emma Watson. Asshole.

SPAM of the Month

I don't check my bloggedjaime@gmail.com account too much, because, on the rare occassion that I get fanmail, it always goes to my other account. Which is fine. I don't care. This inbox has become a spam-repository, which can yield some really funny results from time to time. Take this e-mail for example.

Do You Want to Possess the Whole World?

Would you like to have scars after penis enlargement surgery? If you not, you should consider trying Penis Enlarge Patch. Penis Enlarge Patch will make you dick so large you will be able to park a car on it.

First of all, why would having a big penis give you the world. Lord knows I don't own anything sizeable (apart from my car . . . in 4 years) and I can barely hold my junk in my jeans. And who would actually park a car on their Jaime-like proportioned penis? I don't care how big a penis is. You just don't park cars on that stuff. Anyway, this is the "SPAM of the Month". Check back in December for (possibly) a Christmas-themed spam e-mail that I am hoping involves videos of elves gangbanging reindeer while Santa Claus practices his space-docking techniques with Mrs. Claus.