Nipple-Topia - Pamela Anderson

I know what you're going to say. You can't see anything in this picture. Will you just be patient. I need to set up the post first. Make some commentary on the happenings, and then show you what you want. Sit the fuck back down and relax. Take you ridalin and control your AD/HD, Tom Cruise be damned. Anyway, oh yes, where was I. Pamela Anderson and her nipples keep defying convention. Not only are they visible through the white shirt she's wearing, but the bust through the bra she is wearing underneath. They're like the Braveheart of areolas. They just want to be free and get out of under the oppresive rule of their clothing tyrant rulers. I just don't know how she does this. But bless her heart (and the mass of tissue and salene attached to her chest), this woman needs to achieve sainthood already. Get the Pope to approve it. She could do much more good than Mother Teresa ever did with that rack of hers. She can take up the mantle of Saint Boobnacious, and bring peace to waring nations by baring her breasts as much as possible. If people are too busy jacking off to a naked Pam Anderson, then they can't be too busy trying to kill each other. See the genious that is this plan of mine. Anyway, I know what you want to see. Here's the picture in question. Enjoy, and try not to hump your computer keyboard . . . . again.

Oh, and this post #500 . . . . which coincidentally, falls upon my birthday. I'm 27 today. Send all gifts to my paypal. I expect gifts. Toodles :).

Mariah's Big Brown Beaver

Yes, I know what you're thinking . . . why on Earth would I post a picture of a panty-less Mariah Carey? Because I can. And yes, I'm trying to get you fired. This NSFW picture was taken God knows where (ask him, he'll tell you . . . oh wait, I forgot. He's not talking to you). It's just kind of funny to me though how people will wear something like this and not have the foresight to think about what might happen if they're trying to exit a car in a very unorthodox spread-eagle style. I wonder if the gingerbread fairys ('cause she's crazy) told her it would be a good idea to not wear panties. Anyway, for the few out there who still enjoy Mariah Carey's anatomy . . . there you go. Enjoy, you freaky bastards.

Browser Trap - Search Terms

Another week, another search term post. This ginormous entry took about an hour to compile and categorize, and I think you'll agree that it was time well spent. For those who "accidentally" ended up on my blog because of this post, feel free to explore. There are more posts in here. Anyway, popular terms this week include - nipples, Pete Wentz, Andy Milanokis (?), Basic Instinct, those Harry Potter kids, and figure skating. Enjoy.

Nip Slip Pandemonium Searches
emma watson nip slip - Google Search DE
nip slip drunk - MSN Search
nipslip - Technorati
Scarlett Johanssen NIP SLIP - Dogpile
jennifer love hewitt slips - MSN Search
Maggie Grace nip slip - Google Search AU
ice skater nip slip - Google Search CA
anna farris nipple slip - Google Search
Rachael Mcadams nipple - Google Search CA
lindsay lohan nipple slip camel toe - Google Search
underage nip slips - Yahoo Search
Amanda Bynes, nip slip - Google Search
love hewitt nip slips - Altavista Search
nip slip while sleeping - Google Search
shizuka nipple - Google Search
skating nip slip - Google Search DE
lindsey lohan nipple slip - Yahoo Search
uk nip slips - Google Search
olympic skater nipples (near Van Nuys, CA) - A9 Search
rachel weisz confidence nipple slip - Google Search UK
nip slip wmv - Google Search CA
drunk nip slip blog - Google Search
skater nipple - Google Search
nip slips in the olympics - Google Search AU
ice skater japanese nipple slip - Google Search UK
rachel weisz nip slip - Google Search
figure skating/nipple slips - Google Search CA
Rachel McAdams nipple slip - Google Search
ifilm nipple slips - Google Search
mariah carrey nipple slip - Google Search
nip slip . com - MSN Search
fergie nip slip - Google Search
gwen stefani nipple slip vma - Google Search
nip - Blog Search
emilie de ravin nipple slip - Google Search
yahoo nip slip - Google Search
rachel mcadams nipple hair - Google Search
scarlett nip slip - Google Search
nipslip Fergie - Dogpile Search
katherine mcphee "nipple slip" - Google Search
japanese ice skater nipple - Google Search
mariah nip slip - Technorati
mcadams oops nipple - Google Search AU
prussian blue nipple slip - Google Search
run way model nip slip - Google Search
lindsey lohan running nipple slip - Google Search
kiera premier dress slip - Google Search
Evangeline Lilly nip slip - Google Search
gretchen nip slip - Google Search CA
Survival Nip Slip - Google Search
2006 olympic nipple slip skating - Google Search

Mr. Popularity Searches - Pete Wentz
BLOGSPOT PETE WENTZ - Google Search CA
pete wentz pictures - Yahoo Search
pete wentz/pictures - Google Search
"fallout boy" penis - Metacrawler Search
"Pete Wentz naked" - Yahoo Search
pictures of pete wentz penis - NetZero Search
"Pete + Wentz + pictures" - Yahoo Search
Pete Wentz Fall Out Boy camera "malfunction - Google Search
naked pete wentz - Yahoo Search UK
pete wentz blog - Google Search
pete wentz's hair - Google Search
pete wentz sidekick - Google Search
Pictures of Pete Wentz - Google Search
pete sidekick - Google Search
pete wentz falls out of pants - Google Search CA
pete wentz's sidekick - Google Search
pete wentz clean pictures - Google Search
Peter Wentz, picture, unit - Google Search
Pete Wentz - Google Search
pete wentz underwear - Google Search
fallout boy exposed - Google Search CA
Pete Wentz video - Google Search
pete wentz wardrobe - Google Search
pete wentz exposed - Google Search
pete fallout boy hacked - Google Search
pete wentz the lawyer - Google Search
pete wentz sidekick photos - Google Search
naked fallout boys - Altavista Search
fallout boy pete naked - Yahoo Search
pete wentz the hun - Google Search
fallout boy naked - Yahoo Search CA
pete wentz picture incident - Google Search
pete wentz animated - Google Search
Pete Wentz from Fallout boy Naked - Yahoo Search
"fallout boy" penis - MSN Search
pete from fallout boy naked - Yahoo Search
fall out boy pictures pete wentz pornographic - Google Search
pete wentz penis - MSN Search
pete wentz crotch photo - Google Search
Pete Wentz, fall out of your pants boy - Google Search
Peter Wentz fan fiction - Google Search
fall out boy pete pictures nude - Yahoo Search
pete wentz and unit - Google Search
pete wentz sidekick number - Google Search
Fall Out Boy screencaps - Google Search UK
fallout boy sidekick hacked - Google Search
Search pete wentz jack off photos - Google Search
camera malfunction pete wentz - Google Search

Milanokis Renaissance Searches
andy milinokis age - Google Search
andy milinokis, the couch people - Google Search
what's wrong with andy milinokis - Google Search
andy milinokis oficial site - Google Search
andy milinokis interview - Google Search
the age of andy milinokis - Google Search
andy milinokis first online video - Google Search
how old is andy milanokis - Yahoo Search
andy milinokis audio - Google Search
Andy Milinokis photos - Google Search
andy milinokis halo - Google Search
making fun of Andy Milinokis - Google Search

Searches to Mortify JK Rowling
emma watson nip slip - Google Search DE
nude pictures of Daniel Radcliffe - MSN Search
emma watson naked butt - Sympatico MSN Search CA
Daniel Radcliffe drinking corona - Google Search
paparazzi photos of daniel radcliffe - Google Search
emma watson paparazzi exposed - Google Search
daniel radcliffe drinking beer? - Google Search
how much money does emma watson make - Google Search CA
see picture of emma watson's stomach - Google Search
Emma Watson slip ups - Google Search
daniel radcliffe's msn - Google Search BR
nude emma watson - MSN Search
pictures of emma watson and dan drinking - Google Search AU
emma watson pictures by paparazzi - Google Search UK
v for vendetta premier emma watson - Google Search UK
clip of hermione farts - MSN Search
paparazzi photos of daniel radcliffe - Google Search
GagFactor Hermione - Google Search FI

I Want my MTV Searches
the gauntlet nipple slip - Google Search
mtv nip slip - Google Search CA
mtv's nipple slips - PeoplePC Search (Google)
jaime mtv gauntlet - Google Search
mtv the gauntlet nipple slips - Google Search
Nip slips on the Gauntlet 2 - Google Search
the gauntlet II nip slips - Google Search
gauntlet nip slip - Google Search

Clothing Malfunctions, People Search
rachel mcadams wardrobe malfunction - Yahoo Search
nipple wardrobe malfunction - Google Search
lindsey lohan dress malfunction - Sympatico MSN Search CA
figure skating wardrobe malfunctions - Google Search
Britney's dress malfunction - Google Search CA
wardrobe malfunctions of lindsey lohan - Yahoo Search
wardrobe slips - MSN Search
jennifer love wardrobe malfunction - Google Search
McAdams malfunction - Google Search
morgan webb wardrobe malfunctions - Google Search
Mariah Carrey + Wardrobe Malfunction - Google Search
rachel macadams malfunction - Google Search
dress malfunction - Google Search IN
panty malfunction - MSN Search
wardrobe malfunctions pictures - Google Search

Nostalgia - Basic Instinct Searches
basic instinct poonani - Google Search
basic instinct 2 screencaps - Google Search UK
basic instinct,leg cross film clip - Google Search
view basic instinct crotch shot clip - Google Search
"video clip" "Basic Instinct" scene legs - Google Search
basic instinct crotch picture - Google Search
basic instinct 2 screencaps - Google Search
"the scene" "basic instinct" mpg - Google Search
basic instinct sharon stone crotch shot open leg video clip - Google Search
basic instinct leg cross over video clip - Google Search UK
basic instinct crotch image - Google Search CA
basic instinct crotch shot stills - Google Search

Pre-Stalker'y Lady Searches
reese Whitherspoon - Google Search
ciera knightly - MSN Search
"Evangeline Lilly and  Dominic Monaghan" - MSN Search FI
NAKED SKATER GIRLS - Feedster
outrageous demands of actress Anne Hathaway - Google Search
debbie matenopolis - Google Search
penelope cruz nacho libre - Google Search
"V for Vendetta" portman picture schoolgirl - Google Search
Belly of Jennifer COnnely - Google Search IN
"v for vendetta" screencap schoolgirl - Google Search
keira knightly video clips domino jacket - Google Search
Anne Hathaway clip blog - Google Search UK
"Rachel Weisz" features in the Top 10 Sexy in the thirties - Google Search IN
reese whitherspoon sexy pictures - Google Search ES
"Maggie Grace" masturbate - Google Search
Maggie Grace panties - Google Search
Rachel McAdams smoking - Google Search
natalie portman screencap panty v for vendetta - Google Search CA
pam anderson roast video quicktime drunk courtney love - Google Search
Natalie Portman Schoolgirl V Vendetta photo gallery - Google Search
"mischa barton" period - Blog Search
pictuers women sucktion - MyWeb Search
gretchen moll breasts - Google Search
lost screencaps "maggie grace" bikini - Google Search
mischa barton big feet - Google Search DE
personal info on Jennifer Garner  what size pants, shirt, bra, ect. - Google Search
scarlett johanssen - MSN Search
natalie portman schoolgirl outfit - Blog Search
anna hathaway havoc ifilm - Google Search SG
sienna miller earings - Google Search AT
johanssen nude - MSN Search
anne hathaway slip - Google Search
natalie portman v vendetta schoolgirl gallery - Google Search
"shannon elizabeth" - Blog Search
scarlett johanssen pictures - Google Search
"emilie de ravin" paparazzi - Google Search FR
beyonce knowles captain america connection - AOL Search
men flock the theater after finding out that natalie portman shaved - Google Search

Triple Sow-Cow Searches
oops figure skater pictures fallout - Google Search UK
figure skating slips crotch - Google Search
ice skating oops movies clips - Google Search DE
wedgies AND female figure skaters - Google Search
pictures of figure skaters crotch - Google Search
figure skating exposed photos - Google Search
figure skating wedgies pictures - Google Search

Weird + Yuck = These Searches
"britney birth video" - Google Search
surreal life poop underwear - Google Search
"peed her pants" wmv - Google Search
surreal life 6 poop underwear - Google Search
google naked boy pictures - MSN Search
rate hairy nipple - Yahoo Search
"retarded midget" - Google Search
britney spears cecesarian - Google Search UK
wayne alamo spanking - Google Search NL
wedgie picking - Google Search

Just go Watch the Movies Searches
doom 3 advert mpg - Google Search UK
she's the man screencaps - Google Search
underworld evolution screencaps - Google Search
trailers of attila the hun on windows media - Google Search
a-history-of-violence screencaps - Google Search
hostel nude screencaps - Yahoo Search
"nacho libre" - Blogdigger Search
grandma's boy restricted trailer - Google Search CA

Guys get Searched too
jake gyllenhaal wrestling - Google Search
cock + yahoo - Sympatico MSN Search CA
"vinnie jones" groin - Google Search
cock pictures - Blog Search
jon spencer - Blog Search
Jesse McCartney Wedgie - Google Search NL
James Sakato - Google Search
comedy turrets guy - Google Search
the turrets guy video clips - Google Search
tv funhouse steadman - Google Search PT
joaquin phoenix frog hair clip - Google Search
victor von dooms handwriting - Google Search
turrets guy .com - Google Search CA

Yummy Left-Over Searches
portugal blog ads by google - Google Search
dealing with uncourteous co-workers - Google Search CA
hentai google ads blog - Google Search
cortana hentai - Google Search
Nice little outdoor stunts for Scott Towels. - Google Search HK
ifilm retail wars - Google Search
related:www.gangstas-hugs.com/2006/02/scaring-is-half-the-battle.html - Google Search
baba o reily mp3 - Google Search SE
westtexasrocks blog - MSN Search
moose knuckle cartoon - Google Search
"way back machine" - Blog Search
petting couples video clips - Google Search
robotussin trips - Google Search
xbox 360 - Blog Search UK
googlesearch,ca - Google Search CA
"fight night" - IceRocket Search
i'm rich biatch! - Yahoo Search IN
halo cortana hentai - Google Search
google haxxor - Google Search

XBOX 360 . . . Pwnd!

Last night, after dinner at Daphne's Greek Cuisine (if there is one near you, highly recommended), the wife and I went to the Circuit City down the street from the restaurant. I had gotten a 25 dollar gift card from a relative for my upcoming birthday. I was intending to purchase King Kong on DVD. Circuit City had a great price for it ($13.99). We get there, fight through the rain, and find what we came for.

Instead of heading towards the cash register, with our intended purchase in hand, we start browsing through the store for something else to buy. I had another 10 bucks to spend on the card and I usually don't like to leave small balances on these things. As the wife is looking through the DVD selection, I wander over to the XBOX 360 display and start checking out one of their playable demos. Fight Night 3 looks amazing.

After a couple of minutes, the wife wanders over and comments about how she knew exactly where to find me. Then she starts looking at the racks and comes over to me with a peripheral that she wanted to get me for Christmas. It wouldn't have done me any good at that time, since you couldn't find an XBOX 360 anywhere then. She then urges me to ask one of the guys working there if they have any in stock.

I was a bit reluctant. I've been to many electronics stores in the past couple of months asking for that product, and whenever they had it, they had the shitty CORE version. I'm an ULTIMATE all the way kind of guy. No Hard drive, no sale. So, I find a guy that works there, and I, already anticipating disappointment, ask him if there are any in stock. He says "Let me check, you want the premium version right?" I tell him yes, and he comes back in a couple of minutes. He tells me there's 1 in the back, and to go to the cash register and they'll take care of me there.

I rush over to the front of the store. My wife is smiling because I'm finally going to get the one material thing I've wanted more than anything else. I ask for it, and the cashier retrieves my bright, shiny white box with the latest and greatest console gaming machine in it. I pay for it (bought the charge & play kit as well) with a credit card that has recently been cleared of about 90% of it's balance, and we walk out of the store . . . a bit dumbfounded by the experience.

My wife kept asking me why I wasn't more excited. I think I was just in a state of shock. Anyway, I hooked it up, set up the XBOX Live account on it, and was finally able to play the game she got me for XMAS (Perfect Dark Zero). Pretty amazing game. Solid shooter. I, of course, then moved over to Halo 2, which looks even prettier on the new console. Less slowdown as well while someone is on the internet while I'm playing. My wife was downloading Red VS Blue quicktime movies while I was playing and I noticed 0 lag on my end.

So, that's it. As soon as I get my end of the year bonus (which they're doling out in 5 installments), I'm paying the balance off on that card that the purchase tacked on. Then, I have a surprise for my wife. Shhhh . . . don't tell her I said that.

EDIT - Click to check out my Gamer Profile online (you need an MSN/Hotmail log-in).

These are the Days of our Deaths - UD Update

Since my last Urban Dead update, I've been mauled by zombies and killed a couple of times. I have also, thanks to MDK clan, managed to get revived with some of their Necrotech Skills. I have leveled up, tried to take back a PD (unsuccessfuly) and now, I'm currently looting a mall with the Shopping/Bargain Hunting combo of skills I recently acquired. My inventory list as follows:
Fire Axe
Pair of Wirecutters
Crucifix
Shotgun (2 Shots)
GPS Unit [85,65]
Pistol (1 Shot)
Shotgun (2 Shots)
Pistol (1 Shot)
Shotgun (Empty)
Pistol (6 Shots)
Pistol (6 Shots)
Pistol (4 Shots)
Flak Jacket
Shotgun (Empty)
Pistol Clip x5
First Aid Kit x2
Book
Pistol (6 Shots)
Shotgun (2 Shots)
Shotgun (2 Shots)
Shotgun Shell

Right now I'm looting the Mitchem Mall again, since they have a gun store. Ahh . . how refreshing, a mall with a gun store. Hello 1970. How's the weather.

Keira Knightly Turns 21

Keira Knightly celebrated her 21st birthday recently by having a night out on the town wearing something that makes her look like Winona Ryder in the 20's. Not a look I'm particularly fond of, but whatever. It's not permanent. Nothing out of the ordinary with that . . . yet. She was seen exiting the party with her guests and they all appeared to be wearing pig masks. She must be onto something. Did pig masks recently become the new "pink"?? Oh man, I need to catch up on the style network and find out. Oh wait, that's right, I'm not gay. Why do I care. Hmm . . . interesting. I wonder if there was any "porking" going on at the soire. Ha, get it? And, the "piece du resistance" for the night . . . those scampy paparazzi managed to get a picture of Keira's underpants. Nice shot guys.
Way to validate your rather scummy existance. Without you, the ignoble paparazzo, we would be left to wonder what color underwear Keira Knightly was wearing on the night of her pig-masked 21st birthday party.

Inside Box Office Man

1. Inside Man - The newest Spike Lee Joint does pretty well for itself. Spike's movies, while being praised by critics (which sounds somewhat oxymoronic) don't usually top charts . . . but the inclusion of Clive Owen and Denzel Washington hooked people into coming to watch this. Oh yeah, Jodie Foster is in this again . . . presumably, still looking for her missing daughter.

2. V for Vendetta - Nothing good lasts forever, which is why this great movie is coming up second this week. Not even the promise of Natalie Portman in a schoolgirl outfit can keep this afloat for much longer. No problem though, the first filmed adaptation that Alan Moore has not despised has made some pretty good money, I expect it to win back it's budget, plus a little extra scratch, that will ensure future comic book movie adaptations.

3. Stay Alive - A killer videogame movie? No, not Halo yet, but one that stars twenty-somethings getting hacked, sliced, diced, hung, and otherwise scared to death by a "forbidden" videogame. I think the game is called Daikatana . . . . haha, get it? No? Oh man, I'm the biggest nerd ever.

4. Failure to Launch - I don't know what to say about this movie other that if you saw this . . . shame on you. This is tantamount to molesting little children. Nobody should have seen this movie. I don't even know what it's about and I don't want to watch it.

5. The Shaggy Dog - This Tim Allen remake of a "classic" man-turns-into-dog story baffles me. Sure, the kids might have enjoyed the sight of a man turning into a dog, but Tim Allen? Maybe if the kids were card-carrying members of the NRA and wanted something for target practice.

6. She's the Man - Another Hollywood personality some people might want to use for target practice . . . but not with lead but with something else (if you know what I mean, perverts) . . . Amanda Bynes's teen-comedy remake of a Shakesperean tale continues to dupe young, impressionable youngsters into spending their not-so-hard earned allowances to further her star status.

7. Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector - What was poised to become the biggest blockbuster of the year . . . fizzled out with only 7 million. Nothing to scoff at though, it's 7 million more than I have in my bank account right now. But it just begs the question: Was there some big NASCAR race this weekend?

8. The Hills Have Eyes - Saw it on Thursday, loved it, want to own it when it comes out on DVD. This movie is not as tough as Hostel was with the gore, but it's up there. Go watch it, and then rent the original. This is a solid remake, largely in due to the total abscence of Tim Allen.

9. Eight Below - I don't get how this Paul Walker movie is making more than the crime-drama Paul Walker movie that has been gone from the countdown for a couple of weeks now. I don't even remember the name of that one, but the critics liked it more, and I almost thought about watching it. Almost. I can't see Paul Walker movies in anything other than an IMAX theater . . . you know, to accomodate his huge head.

10.16 Blocks - Almost went to see this on Thursday instead of the Hills Have Eyes, but, since I had a pretty shitty afternoon, the wife (who is lobbying for a viewing of this) conceeded to go watch a scary movie with my sister and I. I get three scary movies per year, and that was a good choice for #1. Oh, and 16 Blocks? Um . . . go watch it while you can.

Let Ye of All Faiths Hook Up

My blog seems to continue the trend of getting people to hook up. My advertising partners must know something about the kind of people that get here through searches (or the random couple of repeat readers). Oh yeah, they must be aware that the lot of you are a bunch of unloved, computer nerds that outgrew cyber-sex last year and now are hungering for actual sex. Well, looks like as of today, I have not only Catholics covered, but the Jews are getting some hook up love now.

I wonder what's next? When am I going to be assisting Budhists get it on. What about the Hindus?

Husband Fishing

My life can be almost like a bad romantic comedy sometimes. Take last night for instance. My wife and I are watching television, and we start getting all frisky with each other. We're still very much in love, so we tend to do this often. We're lieing on the couch, she above me, and we're tickling each other's necks with kisses and the such. Nothing too pornographic at this stage in the game.

I'm nuzzling her neck and go for another round of neck-tickles, because I love the sound of my wife's laughter. She closes the gap between the side of her face and her shoulder to stop me from doing it. My face is trying to get into the nook, when suddenly, one of her hoop-like earings gets caught in my nostril. She is not aware of it, and just like anyone who is getting tickled, retracts quickly, taking my nose with her.

I let out a scream of pain, and she realizes what's going on, but she's confused a little, and still tries to sit up. I hold her by the arms to keep her from ripping my left nostril off. Then I slowly unhook the earing from my almost pierced nose, and she gets off of me. We sit next to each other, she's almost crying because she's laughing her ass off. Just earlier we were talking about how klutzy she can be. I'm laughing but wincing in pain at the same time.

It's just an accident, so I laugh it off, she gets me some tissue because my nose is bleeding a little, and we continue to watch television. I just wonder, does this happen to other people? Or are my wife and I living in some sort of accident-prone vortex? You don't even want to know about her mortal enemy . . . the door jam.

EDIT - I forgot about the earlier little klutz moment, when my wife, who was sitting on her feet, did some sort of Matrix-like whiparound so that we could snuggle better, and her foot kicked my elbow, which is connected to my fist, which then connected with my face. Yeah, she made me punch myself in the jaw. It was funny. Like getting punched in the face funny. I'm just wondering where the Jackass film-crew is hiding out.

The Hills Have Scares

My recently returned from Iraq sister, my wife and I went to catch a movie last night. We headed to Burbank, to the AMC in the mall, and found the theater to be relatively empty. Probably 6 other people in there. I don't know why, more people should be watching the truly hardcore movie called "The Hills Have Eyes". I know it's a remake, but when you get the director of "High Tension" on a filmed project, it's bound to be interesting. And it's even better when someone treats you to a movie (thanks Sis') but don't think I was a complete cheapskate. I bought the soda and popcorn (with my AMC Moviewatcher free coupon).

This is not so much a movie review but a movie disection. I don't usually see a movie that inspires me to retell the whole thing, so you betcher-ass that I enjoyed it. Major spoilers below if you haven't seen the movie yet.

The movie is about a family on their way to California for a vacation. The dad, a retired police detective, is the kind of guy that likes to take the scenic route. He brings along his wife, his married daughter (along with husband and infant child) and his other teenage daughter (played by Emilie de Ravin from Lost) and son. There's a little father/son in law tension to be seen here, as you see the father always picking on his daughter's husband.

The first scene of the movie has some guys in full radiation suits taking some readings in the New Mexico desert, supposedly, on or near the sites of repeated nuclear testing by the government in the 50's and 60's. Suddenly, a bloody man comes at them from nowhere, only to be pick-axe'd to death by a huge and mutated man. The radiation suit guys try to run away, but they end up dead, and then dragged off in their own truck.

The movie then cuts to a gas station near that site, where an old and frazzled attendant is the only one around for miles, but not for long. He gets a visit from some unseen characters, and they drop off a bag full of stolen goodies for him, along with a severed ear. It seems that there's some sort of agreement with whatever is living out there in the mines and this guy, and this is when the family on vacation enters the movie. Everyone except the patriarch is having a terrible time. It's 100+ degrees out, and they're looking to gas up and stretch their legs a bit. The attendant fills up their tank, and suggests they take a shortcut through the mountains on a dirt road that's off the map. Says it'll save them 2 hours, and get them on the interstate quicker.

The family, having no reason to doubt the old, grizzled attendant, make their way to the shortcut, which takes them ever deeper into the desert, and closer to the nuclear testing sites. Soon, they are met with a spike-strip which disables their SUV and Airstream trailer home. The father and son in law decide that they should go off looking for help. The older one will head back to the gas station, see if he can get a tow-truck out to the wreck, and the younger will go off in the other direction. See if he can find help there. They leave the teenage boy in charge, along with a 9mm. Never hurts to have an ex-policeman and republican dad.

While they're out looking for help, we get to see some glimpses of what's out there. The married daughter sees a glint of reflected sunshine in the hills. The son can't find a red hoodie that was taken from the SUV. One of the first victims, one of the family's two German Shepherd dogs, ends up being gutted while the boy is looking for her. He finds her after he hears her whelping in pain, and falls off a short cliff and knocks himself unconcious. A young mutant girl watches over him and waits until he wakes up to make a quick exit. It seems that this is all that saves him from a rather carnivorous mutant that was lurking close by.

Meanwhile, the son in law makes it to the end of the road, a huge nuclear crater. There, he finds dozens of dumped cars ranging from old models to newer ones. This is not disturbing to him, rather, kind of wondrous. He does not make the insidious connection, and he picks up a couple of things and makes his way back to the wrecked vehicles, a bat and fishing rod in hand. The father makes it to the gas station by nightfall, and finds the attendant's loot (and bloody severed ear) in his room in the gas station. He draws his hand-cannon (a long nose Magnum I think it was) and searches for the attendant. He finds him in the outhouse, shotgun in hand. He's crying . . . the actions he's had to take have taken their toll on him, and before the father can disarm him, he Kurt Cobain's it and disintegrates his noggin with one shotgun blast (great gore effects btw).

Just then, you hear raspy whispers of "Daddy", and the father whips around looking for who's saying that. He quickly runs to a car close by, ready to make a getaway, when in the rearview mirror he spots some eyes, and immediately gets his head bashed into the front windshield, and then the drivers side window. His head split open, and nearly unconcious, the father gets dragged away into a nearby mine.

Back at the wreck, the son in law makes it back. He has no idea what has just happened to his father in law, and neither does the rest of the family. They blow it off, but the young boy is not so sure that they're alone in the desert anymore. After waking up from his fall, he made his way back to the automobile, but he didn't tell his mother and sisters what he saw. He didn't want to freak them out. But he tells the son in law soon after he comes back. This is when the action kicks into high gear. A tree bursts into flames close to the wreck, and from the distance, they can hear the screams of the older man, amidst the blaze. The mother, older daughter, son in law and son all run towards the fire, taking the time to get a fire extinguisher from the camper, but not noticing the mutant that had been petting Emily de Ravin for the past couple of minutes. While they're trying to put out the barbequed man, another deformed mutant comes in and proceeds to rape the teenage daughter, while the first mutant rips up the place, chomps off the head of a parakeet, and then makes googly eyes at the infant daughter.

After putting out the blaze, and seeing that the older husband has been truly cooked to death, they hear the screams of the younger daughter while she's getting raped by the mutants. The older sister runs toward the camper, tries to knock one of them out with a frying pan, but gets incapacitated by one of them. He's holding a gun to her baby daughter, and he then proceeds to fondle and suck on her breasts. She's bearing this because she knows that if she freaks out, the baby, her sister and her are dead. Suddenly, the mother comes into the camper, ready to bash some mutant skull with a rather large rock . . . but all she gets is a belly full of lead. This sets off the older daughter, who stabs the fondly-mutant in the leg, which in turn gets her a shot in the head. The mutants make off with the infant daughter, while the sons make it back to the camper in time to see the carnage.

All the time they had been watched by a mutant from afar, but this one gets his come-uppance when one of the two German Shepherds takes his revenge on him. He jumps him from behind, tearing at his throat, and severing his walkie-talkie-holding hand. The dog makes his way back to the wreckage, and delivers the radio to the frightened survivors. On the radio, they hear the baby crying, and the young father decides that he has to go look for his offspring. He leaves the brother and sister alone with the 9mm and gets the bat and dog to go along with him.

The surviving kids put their dead mother and sister in the SUV, and hole up in the camper. They are scared, but determined to get some kind of revenge. They set up a little early warning device using the fishing string, some sticks, and a baby rattle. While they're McGuyver'ing it up, the son in law makes it to a nuclear testing town with some sparse houses and mannequins. He looks around, and find his baby in one of them. He stashes the dog in a nearby car, and creeps inside the house, careful not to make any sounds. He spots a bald woman combing her wig and watching Divorce Court, and he thinks he's made off scott free with his child, when out of nowhere, that same bald woman knocks him on his head, and he passes out. He wakes up in a container full of severed body parts, and manages to knock the locked lid off the thing. He looks around the house, looking for his baby, and then finds a wheelchair bound mutant with the largest cranium you'll see on film. It tells him that the nuclear testing did this to them, and that they would all die, or something like that. Just then, one of the big, mobile genetic monstrosities bashes through the window, whielding an axe, and a multi-room struggle between the two of them begins. The son in law gets a couple of fingers chopped off before he can get the upper hand on the monster. He nails his foot down to the floor in a stroke of luck, then pushes a mini-flag pole through his neck, and finishes him off with an axe to the head.

The dog had managed to free himself from the car, and had made it into the house, helped the son in law out a bit, but got thrown across the house by the recently deceased mutant. While the son in law makes his way out of the house, you see the wheelchair bound mutie spot the dog coming at it, fangs bared, and off camera, you can hear his screams as the dog jumps his ass.

Another one of the muties hears the scuffle, and with shotgun in hands, makes his way to the house where the ruckus just finished. His knee meets the blade of an axe, as the son in law lays an ambush on his ass. Then, his eye-socket meets the pointed end of that same axe, and the bloodied and missing some fingers protagonist limps away holding onto his firearm.

While the fight was happening, the big mutie that chopped off the dudes fingers radioed the rape-mutie and told him to kill the baby. While trying to do this, the baby gets swiped by the nice girl-mutie (in the son's red hoodie) and sequestered into temporary safety. The son in law sees the girl running into the hills, and chases after her. The rape-mutie is also on the chase, and the two meet up and have a little throw down where the mutie uses the spike-strip that wrecked the vehicles earlier as a weapon. He knocks out the son in law and chases after the nice mutie-girl.

The son in law, all hazy, catches a glimpse of his wedding ring (on one of his severed fingers) and musters enough energy to get up, and chase after the vile mutated oppresor. Meanwhile, back at the wreck, the remaining son and daughter are getting ready for a showdown with some mutants, when they hear a rustle, and check out the SUV. Their mother's dead body is gone, and the son goes chasing after a trail of blood, only to find a ragged mutant snacking on his mom's entrails. He sets off some rounds from the handgun, while being chased by that one. Emilie de Ravin had stayed behind, setting the trap for the mutant. She opened up all the gas canisters, and when the son rushes into the camper, he lays down some matches next to the door, so that they get ignited when the mutie opens up to go in and try to kill them.

The two kids make it out of the camper while the mutie is busy trying to open up the door, and from a distance, they see the mutant open the door, and get engulfed in a ball of fire as the camper explodes. Meanwhile, back on the hills, the son in law catches up to the rape-mutie right before he's about to kill his baby, and pumps a couple of rounds of buckshot into him, dropping him dead . . . or so he thinks. He gets his baby from the little red riding mutie and thinks he's done, when the mutie who he just shot down gets up and points the shotgun at him. Little red riding mutie charges him, and knocks him and herself, off a high cliff, and they fall to their deaths.

At the now explosive wreck, brother and sister search the explosion, and they find a still cackling but barely alive mutant. This is when Emilie de Ravin freaks out, and drives a pick-axe right through his head. They kids hugh, cry, and then see the son in law make his way back to their area with baby in hand and dog in leash. They all have a group hug, and the camera pans out, and turns into the silouhette of binoculars. They are still being watched.

Credits roll.

Gretchen Moll Channels Bettie Page

I don't remember the last movie I saw with Gretchen Moll in it. Probably that crappy Matrix rip-off "The Thirteenth Floor". Truly retarded. She's going to be in the upcoming "The Notorious Bettie Page" movie and she is just looking the part. Perfect casting, and reading about it on Aintitcool.com is just making me want to see this more and more. These photos don't hurt either. Be on the lookout for this movie hitting your local cineplex, and yes . . . take young impressionable children to it. You already took your 5 year old to see Hostel, might as well take them to this as well. Here's another picture.
Who's your mommy! (Click me you Bastard)

Mulling it Over - Paradoxical Inquiry

If a mentally handicapped individual makes a "retard face", do they look mentally capable (otherwise known as normal)?

Mixed Signals

I don't pick the ads that go on my site most of the time, and they never sinc up more contradictoraly than the ones above. A catholic hookup site and a site that asks if you want to be naughty with other people. Talk about your contradictions.

Yesterday's Search Term Post . . . Today!

It's like we got into the "Way Back Machine" for a little time travel experience . . . or I was just too lazy to categorize these yesterday. Either way, here is the post that bores my wife the most.

Nip Slip Infatuation Searches
Rachel McAdams nipple - Yahoo Search
emma watson NIPPLE SLIP - Yahoo Search
rachel mcadams hair nipple - Yahoo Search
lohan, lindsey nipple sip - Google Search
ice skater nip slip - Google Search PH
drunk nipple slips - Technorati
keira knightly nipple slip - Yahoo Search
olympic figure skater nipple - Yahoo Search
olympic nip slip - Yahoo Search
Vacation Nipple Slips - Yahoo Search
anna hathaway nip slip - Google Search
nipple slip . com - MSN Search
scarlett johanssen nipple slip - Google Search AU
anna farris nipple slip - Google Search CA
mtv gauntlet nipple slip - Google Search
Nipple slips from swimmers - Google Search
Japan Nipple slip Olympics - Google s3a|2ch (Haxxor Edition)
"NIP SLIP" + "ICE SKATING" - Google Search
nipslip blog - Google Search CA
evangeline lily nip - Google Search SG

FCC Approved Wardrobe Malfunction Searches
rachel mcadams malfunction - Yahoo Search
lindsey lohan dress slip - Verizon Central Search
dress malfunction - Google Search IN
wardrobe malfunctions photos - Google Search
ciera + wardrobe - Google Search
wardrobe malfunctions lindsey - Google Search

Hogwart's Depravity Searches
hermione drinkning beer - Google Search CO
emma watson NIPPLE SLIP - Yahoo Search
daniel radcliffe wedgie - Google Search UK
does emma watson fart? - AOL Search UK
Emma Watson corona - Technorati
Does Emma Watson Smoke - Google Search BE
emma watson wearing jeans showing underwear - Google Search
"emma watson" hentai - MSN Search
emma watson in her panty - MSN Search
daniel radcliffe was drinking beer - MSN Search
clean paparazzi pictures of emma watson - Google Search CA

Fall Out Boy Phenomenon Search
pete wentz hacked pictures - Yahoo Search
pete sidekick pictures fallout boy - Yahoo Search
pete wentz sidekick II pictures - Yahoo Search
Pete Wentz naked pictures - AlltheWeb Search
i want to see pete wentz naked pictures - Starware Search
naked fallout boy pictures - Yahoo Search
pete wentz pictures - Yahoo Search
Pete Wentz camera malfunction - Google Search
Pete Wentz' of Fall Out Boy camera malfunction - Google Search
pictures from pete wentz's sidekick - Yahoo Search
fallout boy pete sidekick pictures - Yahoo Search
nude pictures of pete wentz - Starware Search
fall out boy screencaps - Sympatico MSN Search CA
author Pete Wentz - MSN Search
nude fallout boy member - MSN Search
fallout boy sidekick hack picks - Google Search
pete wentz pictures naked cock see here - Google Search
band fallout boy penis - Yahoo Search

Looking for the Ladies Searches
sexy chicks blogs - Yahoo Search
"looking for pictures" "michelle rodriguez" - Google Search
"jennifer connely" "requiem for a dream" anal - Google Search FR
tonight show screencaps jodie foster - Google Search CA
anne hathaway havoc oops - Google Search
jessica alba insured by mafia - Google Search TR
rachel mcadams exposed - Yahoo Search
domino harvey screencaps - Google Search
reese whitherspoon nude - Netscape Search
rachel weisz peeing her pants - Google Search
"Jennifer Garner" - IceRocket Blog Search
lynx and lamb - Google Search
scarlett johanssen nude video clips - MSN Search
movie "V for Vendetta" "Natalie Portman" "Catholic school girl" - Google Search
"tara reid's stomach" - Yahoo Search
hookers in annapolis - MSN Search
mariah carrey drawn on abs - Google Search
Fergie Let's get it started screencaps - Google Search BE
wet panty blogs - MSN Search

Zombie-Loving Searches
malton - AOL Search UK
urbandead - Google Search
whats a PD on Urbandead - Google Search
dream of killing zombies - Google Search
"urban dead" freerunning - Google Search

McAdams BAFW Domination Searches
rachel mcadams family stone premier malfunction - Google Search
Rachel McAdams nipple - Yahoo Search
rachel mcadams malfunction - Yahoo Search
rachel mcadams hair nipple - Yahoo Search
mcadams malfunction - Google Search
rachel mcadams exposed - Yahoo Search
rachel mcadams breasts - Yahoo Search

Cinematic Novelty Searches
joaquin phoenix "frog in hair" - Google Search
basic instinct crotch clip - Google Search UK
screencaps underworld evolution - Google Search FR
"thank you for smoking" pass hartford - Google Search
"In Her Shoes screencaps" - Google Search
ifilm turrets guy - Google Search
final destination 3/the head getting chopped off - Google Search
Underworld: Evolution screencaps - Google Search
a history of violence screencaps - Google Search
fARTS IN VIDEO - MSN Search
the oc smoking scene basic instinct - Google Search

Halo Fan-fic Gone Wild Searches
erotic stories about cortana from halo 2 - Google Search AU
Cortana Hentai - Google Search

The Rest of the Pack Searches
homer's illyad - Dogpile
jaime - MSN Search
Pictures of people going through adversity - Yahoo Search
brazilian wax "actual video" - Google Search
cadillac don - Blog Search
splooge blogurl:blogspot.com - Blog Search
hentai.blogspot - Google Search
Paper Shotgun Shells for sale - MSN Seaech
baba o"reily - Blog Search
wusses - Google Search AU
blogexplosion - Technorati
blogs are for wusses - Blog Search
blogadvance.com - Technorati
elohimus maximus - Yahoo Search
mewes - Feedster
little dynamite dvd shizuka - Google Search JP
nacho libre comic - Google Search
skaters crotch shots photos - MSN Search
advance free movie screenings 2006 - Google Search
steadman "tv funhouse" - Google Search
Dell - Blog Search
genitalia pictures - Yahoo Search
video clip andy milinokis - Google Search
foxworthy george roast bush impression quicktime - Google Search
BUMU boots - Google Search
andy milinokis pictures - Google Search

Dell's are Great for Pr0n

All that computing power . . . and non-stick. Easy wipedown surface. "Dude! You're getting it all over your Dell!"

Zombie Apocalypse - Urban Dead Update

After spending a couple of days as a zombie, one of the stand up guys from Analog Medium used a "revivification syringe" to re-humanify me . . . and now I'm hooked on life I tells you. I have leveled up a couple of times, left the zombie infestation that Crowbank became, and set up shop in Vinetown with the other MDK clan members. They're holed up in Shyar Cinema, a few blocks north of where I am currently . . . the Mitchem Mall. I need ammo dammit. I should have gotten shopping instead of the barricade ability. My shotguns are lonely, and the pistol clips are getting lower in number. I still have my trusty axe, which I swing from time to time to finish off rotters who are near death.

Inventory as follows -
Fire Axe
Pair of Wirecutters
Crucifix
Shotgun (0)
GPS Unit [85,66]
Pistol (6)
Pistol (6)
Flare Gun
Shotgun (0)
Pistol (6)
Shotgun (0)
Flare Gun
Pistol (6)
Pistol (6)
Pistol (4)
Flak jacket
Shotgun (0)
Pistol Clip x5
Shotgun Shell
First Aid Kit x2

Not much change to my skizzills . . . other than higher hit percentages on pistol and shotgun attacks (65% on both) and Construction, which lets me barricade buildings.

X Box 360 Haxxor'd

It's only been a few months since the latest X-Box has been released . . . and I still don't have one!! But, these people, with entirely too much time on their hands, have gone and cracked one open so they can play pirated games on it. It's pretty interesting, since this X-Box was not supposed to be able to get modded. Leave it to Microsoft to make something that is vulnerable to hacks. I don't encourage this kind of behavior by the way . . . wait, actually, I do. I encourage everyone who has an X-Box 360 already to crack it open with a hammer. Just start bashing the shit out of it. We'll call it the "Can't turn it on anymore Hack". *grumbles*Lucky sonsabitches*grumbles*

Manual Request

We have manuals for the software that we sell here at work. Sometimes, we get requests for the manuals, which can easily be downloaded from our website. That's what the client zone is all about. But, leave it to our clients to ask for something completely unrelated to our company. Remember, I work for a computer Anti-Virus company.

I need manuals for a washer (WJXR2080T6AA), a dishwasher(GSD4010V72AA) and a microwave (J VM1350AW 002). I have downloaded the manual for a range, but have been unable to download these other manuals. Could you mail them to me? I understand there will be a cost, but I need the manuals. I have just purchased a condo with these appliances, but need assistance in using all their features. I also have a refrigerator and a dryer of the same year these other appliances are from, but I'm unable to find model numbers. Can you help here?

WTF? I'd like to thank the co-worker who passed this little message over to me. Great stuff.

B for Box Office

1. V for Vendetta - Watched this great movie over the weekend after attending the Wizard World LA con. Perfect way to cap off the nerd fest, and a movie that my wife actually wanted to watch for once. She didn't know it was a comic book movie until afterwards. The action was solid, the political allegories timely (even though it was first published 25 years ago) and Natalie Portman bald was strangely appealing. Solid movie, it's just a shame it only rustled up 26+ million. It's a blessing that it de-throned Failure to Launch though. That shit needs to get off the top ten list quick.

2. Failure to Launch - Speak of the devil, the McConeghey/Parker romantic comedy about a guy living with his parents well into his thirties and the woman that forces him to get out on his own is making pretty solid bank . . . much to my movie-loving chagrin. I don't get it. America made this the top movie in the box office last week, and it's still holding strong. What is wrong with you people. Oh well, at least Tim Allen's not in this one.

3. The Shaggy Dog - But he IS in this movie, which baffles the mind. This remake of an old Disney "classic" about a lawyer that turns into a dog . . . that solves some sort of crime in a court of law . . . what?? This story didn't work when it came out the first time around, why would they think that it would work now. But, surprisingly enough, it beat out a horror movie last week and this week as well, which just goes to show you . . . parents will take their kids anywhere so long as it provides them with 2 hours of silence from their bratty tykes.

4. She's the Man - Amanda Bynes as a boy in an unofficial remake of a much better 80's movie "Just one of the Guys" which previously had the balls to show titties. Where are the Bynes-funbags?? Sure, you've got David Cross in your movie, he's always fun, but no juggs? This movie is just disgusting.

5. The Hills Have Eyes - This movie should have taken the #1 spot last week. It didn't. It still fails to make the money it truly deservers. Maybe it should have been released in October, where people are seeking movies like this to entertaing their morbid curiousity with death and atomically deformed killers. I still want to see this, and by the looks of it, I won't have much trouble securing "killer" seats when I eventually make it to the cineplex.

6. 16 Blocks - Bruce Willis and Mos Def playing cops and robbers with a twist that has been used before. Sure, it's re-hashed, but it has to be better than most of the crap that's out right now. I know my wife wants to see it, since she has an unnatural love for Mos "Dante" Def. I might enteratain her desire to see this . . . but maybe on DVD.

7. Eight Below - This dog of a movie has performed better than I thought it would. Sure, it's trying to capitalize on an icey locale a la "March of the Penguins", but it substitutes penguins with dogs and Paul Walker. Same survival type of story, nothing new here.

8. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - Black men in drag must be hilarious. I don't get it. People have "gotten" it though, pole-vaulting this turd into the 60+ million range in total box office gross. You know what this means right? Tyler Perry's Madea's Fighting to get Better Health Care Benefits will be coming to a theater near you. Be afraid, be very afraid.

9. The Pink Panther - I'm glad to see this crap-tacular movie making its swan song on the countdown. It really just looked fetid and sloppy . . . and casting Beyonce Knowles in a movie is just a recipe for bad. Unless it's a black porno movie . . . like Big Booties 7: In Deep. But, that's just my personal opinion.

10.Aquamarine - Isn't M. Night Shyamalan coming out with a similar movie in a few months? Well, the tween-set get their own aquatic girl movie. I don't have much to say about this movie, although . . . I have a friend that was probably there to see it. I don't know, he moved to Arizona, but he always liked the teenage starlets . . and that JoJo girl is in this movie. Questionable . . . maybe. Lock up your daughters Arizona.

African Spam Scam

I got this in my inbox recently. Such a gigantic scam. It'll never work, but you know some idiot out there is getting this and thinking to himself "man, this is better than the lottery". Anyway, if you get one of these in your e-mail, you know what to do.

From The Desk of JAMES SAKATO
Bill and Exchange officer
Foreigner Remittance Dept
African Development Bank
Burkina Faso

Dear Friend,
I am the officer of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of African development bank.

In my department i discovered an abandoned sum ofUS$10.5 US dollars (ten million five hundred thousand US dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with hisentire family in 2001 plane crash.

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next ofkin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unlesssome body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at theplane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

I agree that 30% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account , 10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business .

Thereafter, I will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentage indicated. Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of thisfund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relation or nextof kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number,your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted.

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application . I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

You should contact me immediately as soon as youreceive this letter. Trusting to hear from you immediately.

Yours faithfully
MR JAMES SAKATO
Bill and Exchange officer

2HRS With Kevin Smith

This past weekend, the Sal, the wife, and the I went to the Wizard World Los Angeles comic book convention. The official story is that my wife got "dragged" there. Officially (*rolls eyes*). Anyway, the usual gathering of geeks, freaks, and fan-boys was in attendance. Specially at the Marvel booth, where they were cackling like teeny-boppers at the sight of Jesse McCartney (I'm up on my Tiger Beat current events) for free comics. We weren't all that interested in the exhibition hall. My wife did buy me a couple of trade paperbacks for 1/2 off for my upcoming birthday (March 31st . . . accepting Paypal gifts next week).

What we went there for was the 2 hour Q&A with Clerks/Mallrats/Chasing Amy/Dogma/Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back/Jersey Girl(?) director and Jason Mewes. After getting a quick and expensive bite to eat, we made our way to the Christopher Reeves theater (handicapped accessible) to find a line that was at least 200 people long by the time we got there. No problem, we got to the back of the line and sat around for an hour. Then, it finally started moving, and we surprisingly secured seats 3 rows from the podium, right around the middle.

Kevin Smith comes out, and the usual gamut of questions about his movies, what comics he reads, what he's working on currently and he answers all questions in his usual manner. Great stories all around. The only one that stands to attention though, is when someone asked him what was his weirdest experience ever. He was a little uncertain about that until someone chimed in with "sexually", which set him off on a story about his first ever three-way with a girl and another dude. The story was entertaining, but it takes a strange twist when he starts talking about how he actually managed to put his penis in his own mouth once. This took a lot of training on his part, and even though he had his gut back then, he was able to get on his back, throw his legs over his head, and sucked himself off to climax.

The whole crowd was laughing at the story. No other man could have told this type of a story with more confidence and attention to detail than Kevin Smith. He also gave insight into the gay-mutant subtext in the X-Men movie (think about it, it makes sense . . . although the Sal disagrees). Also his work in the upcoming Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko) movie called Southland Tales, and another supporting lead role he has in a movie called Catch and Release with Jennifer Garner and Timothy Olyphant (Go). He had a couple of choice words about Olyphant. A little drama on the set, nothing large. Olyphant just critized his "acting" skills. Very infantile on his part, which soured Smith's take on him. Now his favorite actor in Deadwood is Ian McShane.

Another hilarious part of the Q&A session was when he noticed a 5 year old in the second row. He immediately tried to apologize to the girl and told him everything he was saying was "not for true", but it was too late. The girl had heard everything about his gay brother and his "bear cubs", his sucking his own cock story, his eating pussy story, and every fuck shit asshole and other dirty word that came out of his mouth. Not his fault though, the parents should have known what to expect if they were big fans of his.

The best part of the session was at the end, when Smith gave us a sneak peak at Clerks 2 prefaced by a very Dogma-ish disclaimer about not videotaping it. It was a hilarious scene in a Mooby restaurant with the guy from the videostore getting into a discussion with a customer (some guy from Alias . . . the techie-guy) about which trilogy was the best: original Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Hilarious dialogue. Also, he showed us the teaser trailer that will be tacked on to the trailer reel in Scary Movie 4. One out one good reason to go see that piece of shit. After that, it was announced that the entry tickets we had been given at the beginning served a purpose. On the following day, he would be signing autographs for a couple of hours there at the Con, and anyone with the #7 as the last number on the ticket would get in. Surprise surprise, I had a ticket with a #7 on the end, but I was not going to pay another $25 bucks to get in. I looked around the theater, looking for a someone to scalp it to. The first proposal went like this -

Me - Hey, you want to go to this thing tomorrow? I'll sell you the ticket.
Jackass - How much?
Me - How much is it worth to you?
Jackass - Nothing (laughs glibly).
Me - Whatever, your loss dildo.

I looked around some more and heard someone say

Fanboy - Man, too bad I didn't win. I really wanted to go to that.
Me - What? Really, I'll sell you my ticket.
Fanboy - (Drops all his shit on the floor) Let me get my money, how much??
Me - Umm . . how much does $25 sound to you?
Fanboy - Perfect! (Rustles through pockets) Here, man, this is so cool.

Thanks to my wife, I've developed this annoying nice streak that really gets in the way of taking advantage of people. I cold have gotten way more for that ticket. At least twice that much, but . . . I could see that this guy would have enjoyed this way more than I, so I let it go cheap. I made a complete stranger happy, and cut down on the cost of the day at the same time.

Jealous of an Ape? You Betcha

Never have I wanted to be 1% less chromosonically human than now. Look at that chimpanzee, he's all over Natalie Portman, and she doesn't mind. She's loving it. Why couldn't she act like this the time that I jumped out of a dark alley, wearing nothing other than a Pepsi t-shirt and proceeded to hump her leg (ever so lovingly)? No, then she HAD to freak out and call the cops. I bet you that monkey's not getting a restraining order. Is it because I'm not as hairy as Mr. Chimp? Damn you opposable thumbs . . . you've done nothing for me.

You win this round monkey.

Enjoy Traffic For Once

I'm capping off this week's worth of posting with a recommendation. Join BlogAdvance. If you're scrambling around for traffic to your blog, or personal love homage site for donkey shows, then you can't do much better than these guys. They will admit anything, and they're not uppity about like those sell outs over at BlogExplosion. Remember though, no popup/unders, or you'll get banned. Click on the banner, join up (with me as a referral preferrably) and enjoy the flow of traffic.

Old Navy Hater

Things I want to do to Old Navy.

- I want to sink Old Navy

- I want to send Old Navy to a nursing home that looks real nice and peaceful when its kids are visiting, but once they leave, the nurses and staff scream at Old Navy, steal its pills to sell out in the back alley, and let Old Navy sit in its soiled Depends for weeks. Old Navy's kids would just shake their heads in disbelief while Old Navy complained about the treatment.

- I want to turn Old Navy into Soylent Green.

- I want to chase Old Navy through a futuristic city and shoot at it with lazers. Then, we'd get into a chase on an egg'y looking monorail. But, unlike Logan's Run, Old Navy doesn't get away.

- I want to tell Old Navy that I'll be over at 6pm, but never show up. Instead, I'd go behind its back and shop at Urban Outfitters.

- I want to decommision Old Navy and then cheat it out of its Veteran's Benefits. That way, Old Navy would have to live on the streets, all dirty and haggard. People would look at it and wonder why Old Navy is not in a shelter, while it screams about some crazy Retail Wars.

Fuck you Old Navy. You know where to stick that performance fleece.

Waiting For the Punch

I was talking to my wife yesterday about how I was not fondly anticipating today's direct deposit payroll check. I was forced to refile my W4 (I think that's the one) and put myself under "married but with-holding at single rate" so that the federal government would start taking out more money from my paycheck (yay). This way, I wouldn't have to send them money like I did this year. I likened it to someone waiting for a punch in the face that they know is coming their way, but they can't do anything about it. So I'm bracing myself for this monetary whack to my handsome visage. I wake up this morning, and like on every other payday, I log into my bank account online and check out just how small my compensation for the last two weeks of work is going to be.

To my surprise, the government took all of it! Ok, maybe that's not exactly true, but I keep logging into my account and I don't see any new deposits in there. It's definetely some clerical mistake on the part of the payroll department. I remember this happening 6 months ago. The only problem is that I depend on these friggin' payments coming in on time so that I, in turn, can make payments to creditors who are anxiously awaiting for me to miss a deadline so they can tack on a ludicrous late fee. It's a vicious game of cat and mouse.

So, I'm still waiting for this whack that I'm bound to get anytime now. The punch has been delayed, but it's inevitable. I feel like a bitch and the federal government is my pimp, coming around every couple of weeks in his Cadillac and screaming at me "Bitch, where's my money!". He's just not in time this time around. Maybe he's gassing up the ol' gas-guzzler, or replacing the dead goldfish in his platform boots.

Wednesday Search Terms - Categorized

This week you lucky bitches get a treat. Before just dumping the list of search terms from the past week into the blog, I decided to go the extre allegorical mile by splitting the mess up into categories. I'm thinking about doing this every week, but it's a bit of a pain in the ass. In any case, here are this week's search beauties. Everything from nip-slips, to cock-slips, to Potter-slips and the staple wardrobe malfunction. Thank you Rachel McAdams. If it weren't for your gravity-defying'less dresses and hairy nipples, I wouldn't be making any money from advertising on this site.

The Nip Slip Searches
2/06 "paris hilton nipple slip - Google Search
skating nipslip - Google Search Japan
"jennifer love hewitt" nipple slip - Technorati
swimmers nip slip - Google Search
nip slip - Blog Search
Olympic Skater nipple slip - Google Search
shizuka nipslip - MSN Search Japan
wardrobe malfunctions nipple slips - Google Search
knightly nipple slip - Yahoo Search
academy "nip slip" - Google Search
emma watson nip slip - Google Search
ciera nipple slip - Google Search
shizuka nipple - Google Search JP
OLYMPIC NIPPLE - MSN Search
figure skating nip slip - Google Search
anna farris nipple slip - Google Search

The Wardrobe Malfunction Searches
lindsey lohan dress malfunction - MSN Search
Mischa Barton wardrobe malfunctions - Google Search
wardrobe malfunctions nipple slips - Google Search
Rachel McAdams Wardrobe Malfunction - Every single Search Engine

The Fall Out Boy Searches
pete wentz penis pictures - Yahoo Search
pete wentz from fallout boy naked - Yahoo Search
naked pictures of fallout boy member - Yahoo Search
pete wentz sidekick pictures - Yahoo Search
Pete Wentz pictures of his cock - Yahoo Search

The Harry Potter Universe Searches
buffy hermione spank - Google Search
emma (or Hermione) watson drunk (drinking/beer) - Technorati (Google/MSN/Yahoo)
emma watson nip slip - Google Search
Daniel Radcliffe's penis - Yahoo Search
Daniel Radcliffe's ass - MSN Search
hermione hot - AOL Search France

The Looking for Ladies (real & animated) Searches
mischa barton - Technorati
cortana hentai - Google Search UK
Reese whitherspoon nude- MSN Search
mila jovovich - MSN Search
morgan webb screencaps - Google Search
bijou phillips havoc is ew - Google Search
Dunst Marie Antoinette mpeg - Google Search AT
new pictures of evangeline lilly and dominic monaghan since march of 2006 - Google Search
scarlet johanssen images - Google Search BE
Reese+Whitherspoon+Kirsten+Dunst+same+dress - Google Search
morgan webb taking a dump - Google Search
"anna hathaway" havoc - Google Search UK
anna farris camel toe - Google Search
Scarlett Johanssen nude - WebCrawler
ifilm shizuka - MSN Search JP
"rachel Mcadams" and "body size" - Google Search

The Zombie Searches
dreams about zombies what does it mean - Google Search
zombie dream - Google Search
zombies chasing in dreams - Google Search
barricade entry urban dead plan - Google Search

The Movie-related Searches
coppola in post author:jaime - Blog Search
tyler perry blog - Technorati
"nacho libre" - Blog Search
"Black Snake Moan" - Blog Search
annapolis wedgie - Google Search
in her shoes screencaps - Google Search
special trailer rappaport - Google Search
screencaps of a history of violence - Google Search
"Two for the Money" "unrated" "hookers" - Google Search

The Music Searches
sites + mpg + james blunt - Sapo.pt (Portugal)Search
Jimi gaydrix - Google Search
"Baba O Riley" - Google Search
accidentaly in love+photo+soundtrack+shrek - Google Search BR

The Random Left-Over Searches
andy milinokis show clips - Google Search
nikes big butt advert uk - Google Search UK
face farts video clip - Google Search PL
substitute teacher - Blog Search
spreadshirt brokeback mountain - Google Seach SE
www.blogcharm.com/deathbyblog - Technorati
bafw - MSN Search NL
francis bean cobain learning disabled - Google Search
bijeljina jesus tree - Google Search
adver blog - Google Search JP
"Panty sniffer" +sample +clip - Google Search SE
hottest - Blog Search
cecesarian - Sympatico MSN Search

Best V-Mail Ever

I wish I knew how to quit you Squirley
We come across some wacky things at work. Most of the time it just passes into the realm of fond memory, as we all reminisce about a past caller and just how asinine they were. This time, it's different, as this post will illuminate for you. When you listen to this, you will hear one of the craziest clients I've ever had the pleasure of dealing with. And what's best about it is, I actually listened to this v-mail before I talked to him live. Yeah, it was a strange sort of coincidence.

But what awaits you in this rare audio post here on BAFW. Well, this guy had a bone to pick with our company president because he did not have the time to talk to him. This clearly set him off on this little diatribe, and since he carries around a "portable soapbox" he figured he'd let everyone know a couple of things. He talks about his mathematical proficiency, his sick kitty, his #1 website ("in the woooorld, excuse me, in the wooooorld") and how he dwarves Attila the Hun in the sheer size of balls he carries with him. It's all good fun, and I edited out his name and any direct mention to the company/employees involved. I did not, however, change anything else, so when he goes into repetition mode, it's not because I made a change to it . . . it's just 'cause he's bat-shit crazy.

Geniuses are irrascible.

That's the self-proclaimed genius himself in that picture above. I was able to find the best "Heating Website in the World" and managed to swipe a picture of the guy and his squirrel. Black bar has been added to provide a certain degree of anonimity by using my "superior" photoshop skills.

Beached Britney V4.0

Remember the good ol' days of Britney Spears'dom? You know, when she was still underage and a "virgin". Yet she wore the most provocative clothing (sexy schoolgirl, leather jumpsuit) and it made my naughty place stiffen with delight. And then K-Fed came along and ruined everything. If there's anyone that should be hated in the history of man, I think Hitler has some stiff competition from K-Fed. So, here she is, present day Britney, looking like a stranded Florida manatee who someone thought it'd be funny to strap a bikini on. I mean, come on, you know you don't look like what you used to Britney. Why do you keep assualting poor swimwear like that. What did it ever do to you. Not to mention our eyes.

Anyway, the reason I put V4.0 on the title of this post is because it seriously took 4 tries to get this damn thing up. Every time I thought it was ready to go up, Safari would quit on me. And yes, it was WAY funnier the first two times. I'm pretty much telegraphing this one in. I'm tired of trying to post these evil pictures of Mrs Federline.

I Need a Vacation

I work too damn hard. So hard in fact, that it's starting to affect my subconcious. Below are a couple of communication exchanges between my wife and I while I was asleep. Now, I'm taking her word that these things happened, she might have been dreaming them up herself. Who knows.

Incident #1
Me: Ma'am, what's the name of the XXXXX software that you're using?
Wife: What? What're you talking about?
Me: Your software ma'am, we can't help you out unless you tell us (I drift off to sleep at this point in time).

Incident #2
Me: If the show is in Spanish, it's corrupted.
Wife: What? What show?
Me: Corrupted, corrupted, corrupted . . . (I drift back to sleep again).

So, as you can see, this is not an isolated incident. It's happened more than once in the span of 3 months. I already had a discussion about this with my supervisor earlier today and he told me that he's had the same type of experience. Not that he could do anything for me in the way of relieving me of my telephonic duties . . . but if I don't get a vacation soon, I'm going to have to start using the psych allowances in my health plan. I don't want to have to be dealing with work issues while I'm asleep.

Declines - March '06

Here again, the monthly decline report. My wallet is not ready to fulfill commitments to these CD/DVD clubs at the moment, although the CD club (BMG) I just keep around to see what kind of ridiculous shit they try to sell me. We'll start with them, then we'll check out the Columbia House offerings.

Switchfoot - Nothing is Sound (Sony Version) - First of all, why would I even want to buy a CD. Second, if for some odd reason I were to buy a CD, why would I buy it from Sony, who put that horrible rootkit thingamabob into their CD's that are so easily hack-exploitable. Sure Sony, why don't I install a door on my computer that anyone can get into. Third, Switchfoot?? No thanks, I don't want to give my ears cancer.

Doom - I saw this in the theaters with the Sal a few months ago. And yeah, it wasn't high drama, and it could have been loads better. But as it is, it's pretty fun with a couple of mild scares and some hot action. Why am I not buying it? Well, they changed the demon spawn into Martian DNA hybrid'y-clones and I would rather play the DOOM 3 game than watch the movie. Pretty much the same effect, except the game is scarier than the movie.

Saw II - I have not seen this, but I saw the first one . . . and was not too impressed with it. This one seems to take it's premise directly from the movie The Cube (watch it, but avoid the sequels), in that it puts a group of abducted people in an enclosed place and they have to figure a way out. I'll spoil it for you . . . people die. The domestic box office gross for this warranted a sequel, which should come out by Halloween this year. Be prepared to see movie posters with three sawed off grungy fingers in them. I don't know what they'll do for the fourth movie, since Scary Movie 4 stole their severed finger thunder with their teaser poster. Save those marketing people a headache, don't watch Saw III.

There you go, things I'm not buying this month. I know, contain your excitement, people are watching you . . even when you're alone.

Fall Out Boy Zips Up, Talks

Remember that post about the Fallout Boy band member who managed to get his penis pictures distributed all over the internet (a la Paris Hilton style but with less penises per frame)? Well, here's a (press?) release about the incident, and this is what happened . . . in Pete Wentz's own words.

"So as some of you obviously know someone hacked into my sidekick and took pictures off of it. this was very upsetting and a total invasion of privacy. i can't explain to you how it feels. whats even more absurd to me is that anyone would care to see a couple of racy pictures of some shitty, dirty boy. after feeling badly about this for about 24 hours, i am now ready to get back to laughing.
its been a tough couple of weeks for me lately. the only good thing about times of adversity is that you realize who your real friends and fans are- and the rest go away- which in my mind is an ok thing. i just wanted to take the time to thank the people who continually stand by my side- a special thanks to absolutepunk.net and mikey way for being amazing.
the moral of the story: if you really dont want pictures of yourself to end up on the internet. dont take the pictures.
now please return to the shittalking at whatever messageboard you are at.
OMG! gaah. i forgot the most important part- how the fuck did santino not win? santino > pete wentz - for sure- thought i could have understood if daniel won, but her? blah.
now you can really go back."

The final statement clearly disproves the theory that he was sending these out to a girl. I mean, the guy is an avid watcher of Project Runway, which also means he's an avid smoker of meatpoles. I mean, he's rooting for the gay General Zod look-alike when he could have totally been talking about something more hetero . . . like trips to Hooters or strippers giving him special treatment in the champagne room. Not that there's anything wrong with loving to smoke meatpoles. I say more power to you Mr. Pete Wentz. Remember, don't speak/sing with your mouth full . . . of cock.

Precor Pwns Me

I've started to torture myself . . . err . . . I mean workout, again, and this machine is currently laying a smackdown on my systolic and diastolic heart rate. I do prefer it over the treadmills most people like, because there's less impact on the ankles, knees, fat-rolls, etc. It isn't, by any means, an easy machine to stay on for more than 45 minutes. My wife and have visited the 24 Hour Fitness gym for 3 days in a row (hopefully making tonight the 4th in a row and all time record for myself and her) and we're planning on killing ourselves on this machine tonight. I know that it all pays off in the end. All the "Earthlink Pot Luck Lunch" weight will be slowly but surely melting off my physique (fingers crossed) and I'll feel like a human again instead of feeling like a beached baby whale (I'm not that huge after all). All I need now is a new iPod. My wife's grip on the old one is unbreakable, so maybe, when I get that fabled "end of the year" bonus everyone is talking about at work (yeah, it's March and still no extra scratch), I'll buy her a new one (Nano's look good) and reclaim ownership of my lost MP3 player. That way, I don't have to listen to "Pump up the Jam" and "I think I'm turning Japanese" over and over again while I'm on the elliptical machine of doom.

Note to Douchebag

Dear Douchebag,

As you started blasting System of a Down in the stall next to me in the company bathroom, I could not help but think that you had made a shitty, yet utterly appropiate , music selection for the shitter. Even though I am in the school of thought that the only sonorous cacophany should be gasseous in nature when in the shitter, you have wowed me with your profience at being too cool for life. Why don't you commit suicide already. Make sure you're buried with that PDA/MP3 player you think is such hot shit, so that you can enjoy the loud and terribly obnoxious music you like to listen to . . . even in the afterlife.

Sincerely,

Me.

Living la Vida Muerta - UD Wk3

As you all know, I've been playing the Urban Dead MMORPG pretty much religiously for the past couple of weeks. The first two tries at it yielded zombification pretty quick, but it seems that the third time is the charm, since my now level 6 (with 73 XP's) fireman is unscathed and loaded up with more weapons than I have hands for. Here's a rundown of the skills I have picked up along with my inventory.

Basic Firearms Training (Player gets +25% to hit with all firearms attacks.)
* Shotgun Training (An extra +25% to hit with a shotgun.)

Hand-to-Hand Combat (+15% to melee attacks.)
* Axe Proficiency (An extra +15% when attacking with an axe.)

Free Running (Can move between adjacent buildings without stepping outside.)

Body Building (Player has a maximum of 60 Hit Points instead of 50.)


Inventory -

Fire Axe
Pair of Wirecutters
Crucifix
Shotgun (1 shell)
Shotgun (empty)
Shotgun (2 shells)
Pistol (6 rounds)
Pistol (6 rounds)
Pistol (5 rounds)
Pistol (1 round)
Flare Gun x2
Pistol Clip x8
Flak Jacket

All's I need is a day's worth of searching the Dane Street PD in Crowbank (or the often zombie laden Burt Square PD next door) to find some more shotgun shells to load up on my shotty's. I don't know why this game is so addictive. By all means it shouldn't. Only 50 turns every 24 hours. No graphics. Just a grid and some text. But I keep coming to it. Try it out. Link in the sidebar.

Hottest Substitute Teacher. Ever.

So this is what I'm missing out on by not attending an Ivy League school. Damn, and here I thought that living in Los Angeles, I would be able to catch a glimpse of Natalie Portman on the street . . . preferrably naked and making a bee-line to my crotch area. Sigh . . daydreams are fun. Anyway, here she is, teaching at Columbia University (if I remember correctly, but it could also be the North Hollywood Learning Annex), where she got to be teacher for a day to a class full of lucky sons (and daughters) of bitches. She is quite the smart cookie as well, capable of speaking 5 languages (one of them Galactic Standard) and she even has a Harvard degree (take that Rory Gilmore!).

EDIT - Yeah, I know I misspelled "substitute" earlier, but that's because I wanted Natalie to come over and personally correct it for me. Maybe even give me a "check+" for effort.

Falling Out the Pants Boy

I'm not very familiar with the band Fallout Boy. I think they have that "Cock it and Pull it" song out right? Well, how friggin appropiate is it that I run into this particular story over at the Superficial. They have a set of NSFW pictures up today that show the guy above (I think his name is Pete Wentz) using his camera phone to take pictures of his junk. Looks like he wasn't all that smart about courting a female, because she in turn sent them to a friend, that sent them to a friend, which in turn led to it to spread faster than AIDS in Africa (ouch . . . I went there). Teeny-boppers go wild as you check out the post with the questionable pictures here. Why am I not posting his "cock it and pull it" (ha, get it?) pictures on my blog? Well, I already posted some months ago pictures of Jude Law's wanger, and that filled up the quota for male genitalia pictures on my blog.

Fresh N' Tasty - Search Terms

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I'm Late - Get Me the Box Office Pregnancy Test

Yes, I know, I'm late with what should have been a Monday posting about the dismal state of the box office. I did post something movie-related though, so quit getting on my case "imaginary people that are getting on my case". God, I hate those make-believe fucks. Because, seriously, who reads this blog other me and the monkey that lives in my closet. It's the only thing that stops Chuckles from flinging his poop at me. Anyway, on with the cinematic-poop that is dominating our nation this week.

1. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - Black Tranny-poop.
2. 16 Blocks - Willis-Def combo poop.
3. Eight Below - Frozen doggie poop.
4. Ultraviolet - Ultra poop (which was not half bad. Just ask the Sal).
5. Aquamarine - Liquid mermaid diarreah poop.
6. The Pink Panther - Sold their souls for some devil poop.
7. Dave Chappelle's Block Party - Great looking documentary pooped on by America
8. Date Movie - Derivative poop.
9. Curious George - Monkey poop currently not being flinged at me.
10.Firewall - Old man poop . . . that thwarts bank heist.

I've only seen 1 1/4's worth of the movies in the top ten. This could very well be one of the worst starts of the year as far as movies are concerned. It doesn't look like it'll be getting any better either.