Celebr-ikini Pandemonium

I believe that summer has officially started. It's not something that is predicated by any specific date of the year, or when the temperatures get hot, or hotter than the previous year (Al Gore was right). No, it's when celebrities come out "en force" rocking their favorite two pieced swimsuit . . . the bikini. To the right of this paragraph, you've got Hillary Duff in one, and it's a small picture because I don't particularly find her interesting . . . or attractive. But she's here, because she's in a bikini. Are you seeing a pattern forming here? More celebrities, skimpily clothed, and sometimes soaking wet, below this.


Someone tell Hilary Swank that she really should try an eskimo parka this summer. Or, maybe she can dress up as a boy (which, from the looks of it, she's got the body for) and make out with Chloe Sevigny. Oh wait, she's done that already.


I'm not sure just what kind of hand gesture Lindsay Lohan is throwing at us in that picture. But, it's either "I want to munch on your rug", or "Do you have a cigarette . . . or 20?", or she might be asking for a double serving of "party water". What is more important is the curvature of her stomach. Is she hiding a lifetime supply of vodka in there?


Hayden Panettiere (still only 17) is hitting the beach in a bikini as well. That's really all I can say about that. In case the Feds are watching.


My wife told me that Mandy Moore was looking old lately. I don't know if that's the word I would use. She's definitely not "Panettiere'ish". But, she's still looking pretty OK lately. A little on the frumpy side in that bikini, but not bad.


If you get the Victoria's Secret catalogs in the mail, then you already know who Alessandra Ambrosio is. And if you know who she is, chances are you are a guy, that does not live with a woman, who is still getting those catalogs. Dude, what's up with that? You have no idea how they got your name and address right? Suuuuuure. One more of Hayden Panettiere picture and that's it for the day.


"I see the one hand on the computer mouse, but where's the other hand? Wait, is that in your pants? Ewww . . guh-ross!"

Everyone Wants a Piece of Simpson

It seems that everyone in Hollywood wants a piece of the now divorced (or is still in progress, who cares) Jessica Simpson. I've read a couple of reports lately. The first one involves Zach Braff, who just recently broke up with Mandy Moore. He was spotted over at a club called Hyde on the 8th of June consuming copious amounts of alcohol and trying to "get with" Simpson. The next incident involves Jared Leto (who is not gay as a goat . . . don't believe everything you see on AOL) who met up with Jessica at Hyde (I'm starting to see a trend here) on the 2nd of June and managed to get her number. A few days later, they met up at Double Seven, and most likely spent the night banging away. Jessica probably thought they were playing Doctor or something, since Leto probably told her to open wide for his meat thermometer.

So, why is everyone trying to fuck Jessica Simpson? Maybe because she's so dumb that you can tell her that you're part of the FBI, which stands for Female Body Inspectors.

Any man - "It's a government thing Ms. Simpson. We need to inspect your body, including all cavities".
Jessica Simpson - "Well, gee gosh willikers Mr. FBI, do what you gotta do."

It must be that easy.