Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Mariah Carey gets Jackson'd

It seems whatever affliction struck Janet Jackson turning her toned body into a walrus is starting to afflict other female singing divas. Case in point: Mariah Carey, who is starting to look more and more like Drew Carey. This I gather from the looks of this picture, taken from a German television appearance on the popular show "Die Fattie Hour" (relax, die = the in German). Does this woman own a mirror? And if so, is it one of those funhouse type mirrors that make you look thinner? If that's the case, I need to ask her where she buys those things. I needs me one.

I never thought Mariah was hot, so this is just icing on the cake for me. I never thought that she was particularly talented either, but with her new look, she could totally join up with those Weathergirl singing sensations and do a new version of "It's Raining Men", but this time, with all new and improved ear-drum exploding action.

Enter DVR

I finally decided to usher in the era of DVR filmed entertainment in my household. After years of telling my wife "nah, I don't think we can afford it really" we finally can. And it really coincides with our revamped workout efforts. Now, we really have no excuse for not going to the gym. We usually would say "we should go exercise, but . . Lost is on . . fuck it". None of that anymore. Now, we can record up to 51 hours of digital cable television and skip through commercials. We can even record two shows at a time. I love technology sometimes.

The price combined with the highspeed cable internet we have piping into out laptop via wireless connection is actually less than what I used to pay for just the cable and the internet a couple of years ago. How do I do this? Well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, or in this case, it gets promotions from the local cable company every few months. All you need to do is call in every couple of months, and tell the them that you're thinking about moving over to Dish Network, and they'll drop their collective pants and bend over for you trying to keep you as a customer. Paying regular prices for cable's for suckers. I learned this little tactic from my sister, who really likes screwing over Adelphia.

As of yesterday our service was upgraded. Now, instead of only having channels 2 through 99, we're hooked up with channels 2 through 234. That includes HBO, Showtime, and The Movie Channel. The DVR box gets installed at no extra cost today between 1pm and 5pm. Even the times for installation are getting narrowed down some. I do have to call back in April to see if they can hook me up with new deals, and at that time, I'm most likely going to be dumping the movie channels. I'm too much of a DVD guy for that . . . but we did watch Elektra last night on the new setup . . . and thank God I did not spend money either buying or renting that piece of steaming shit. It's terrible. And when did Jennifer Garner get replaced with a very accurate looking transvestite. I swear, she could totally fit in one of those Las Vegas shows where dudes dress up as famous women and sing and dance.

My mind's wandering though. Tonight's shows that need to be DVR'd are going to be Gilmore Girls, House, and Scrubs. I will look forward to watching them sans commercials, and at a time of my choosing. Screw you network schedule. I'm no longer your bitch.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Trailer Infatuation

Lots of new trailers out there this week. Here is a sampling of what piques my interest. It should pique yours too, since my taste is infallible. I mean, everyone knows that. If you don't, then I suggest you get with the program. Tout d' suite. (I'm not sure if that's spelled right, but it's French, so who cares anyway. Fucking frogs.)

The Devil and Daniel Johnston- An artsy farsty flick about some schizo manic depressive whose music is beloved by everyone. Kind of like my farts, who are beloved by my wife. By beloved, I of course mean, appaled. Yeah, she's not that German.

The Omen 666- This movie must have been waiting for just the right infernal year to come out on. You just can't beat a release date of 06/06/06 when the subject matter of your movie is the rebirth of the Devil. And the look of this kid is super-creepy . . . he's just so white.

The Notorious Bettie Page- This movie reeks of hotness. Who doesn't like Bettie Page. It's just a shame that she happens to be idolized by women who would never ever ever look as hot as she does. Regardless, this biopic from HBO Films should be worth a watch if you enjoy whips, slapping around and vintage erotica. And that Gretchen Moll is quite the little cutey . . . if I were into chicks like that. I'll have all you fucks know that I'm only into my wife, if you know what I mean *wink*.

Pulse- This looks a lot like The Ring, but with computers. I've always known the internet was creepy. All those 45 year old bastard pedophiles posing as 17 year old cheerleaders who are hungry for your nerdy cock . . . it's just too much. But I had no idea that there were ghosts looking to take your life at the same time. This stars Boone from Lost and the chick that plays Veronica Mars. Their real (haha) names escape me at this point in time, but should it matter? All of them and the attractive cast involved will most likely end up dying at the end of this.

Flight 93-This minimalist trailer for the upcoming Paul Greengrass directed movie about one of the planes involved in the 9/11 disaster really makes me want to watch it. Not because of the morbid curiosity . . . which is still there . . . but because Greengrass directed the pretty awesome Bourne Supremacy, which was great despite the continued involvement of giganto-headed Matt Damon.

Thank You For Smoking- This trailer is so subversibly evil that it warrants the swang song spot on the list. It's delicious watching the lobbyists for tobacco, guns, and liquor doing their worst to this country. It's so abhorrent that it becomes likeable. Like that time you took it up the ass and it hurt for a little bit but then you got into it? Yeah, I know what you do behind closed doors. Dirty slut *shakes head*. You sicken me.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Chasing Da' Dolla'

I realize that my genius ideas for spec scripts are far ahead of their times. I'm like K-Fed, straight 2012 (I'm even further ahead of him conceptualy), but I recently joined something called "Shareasale.com", and it looks like it could start paying out some money . . . provided you tightwads started clicking and buying from the ads that will be going up on this site temporarily. I've already added the cellphone accessories mini-ad into the sidebar. Please, waste . . . ahem . . . wisely invest all your hard earned money there. And, if you want to start making the advertising whore money, please give me a referral and click on the ad below.

Come on, you know you want to make money on the internet so you can quit that cubicle 9-5 gig and just sit around the house in your underwear waiting for the money to roll in. Hmm . . . maybe that's just my personal dream.

*5 second later editorializing spectacular* POST#400.

Friday, January 27, 2006


I have been thinking lately of things that could make me rich and famous, and circulating my many spec scripts (by spec scripts, I mean inklings in my brain) could sell like hotcakes. And sure, they're not written, but these ideas practically write themselves.

-A musical/dance comedy about a coal miner who wants to be a dancer. The twist, he's a quadriplegic, turrets syndrome'd narcoleptic.

-A buddy cop comedy starring Crocodile Dundee (the guy who played him) pairing up with a kangaroo to hunt down illegal aboriginee female slave trafficking.

-Girl falls for Boy, who falls for Girl, who then falls down and forgets about Girl who then kills him in a jealous rage because Boy is now banging Girl's brother.

-A Lifetime Movie of the Week where a woman spends an hour and a half getting the crap kicked out of her by her husband. She doesn't end up killing him, so it would actually be pretty original for Lifetime.

-A sci-fi flick who's trilogy goes backwards, kind of like Memento. It doesn't matter what it's about, so long as there are lasers and robots . . . and chilli dogs. Not enough chilli dogs in sci-fi movies for my taste.

-A CGI kids film where all the characters are sex-toys. It could be titled "The Little Dildo that Could".

-My life story, with supermodels, ninjas, Godzilla, and me saving babies from runaway burning carriages.

Don't steal my ideas or I'll kill you. And, if anyone in Hollywood reads this, I'm available for Executive Producer gigs. Hire me, I'll exec-produce the shit out of your project.

God is Republican

It seems that God, the holy one, had surfaced somewhere in Pennsylvania . . . and he's a republican? Shit, we're screwed. Either that, or it's some wisenheimer who thought it would be funny to sign his voter registration card as GOD. I think the latter is accurate, as this news article from Yahoo News will tell you:
READING, Pa. - One registered Republican won't be able to vote in the next election unless he appears at a Berks County Elections Board to explain the signature on his registration form. The man is registered as Paul S. Sewell, Elections Director Deborah M. Olivieri said, but his form is signed "God."

County Solicitor Alan S. Miller said Sewell claims his "God" signature is merely a legal mark like the "X" used by people who are illiterate.

Sewell, 40, said he will be happy to explain. As the owner of a bail enforcement agency, he finds fugitives, he said.

"Whenever I go to arrest somebody, they say, 'Oh, God, give me another chance. Oh, God, let me go. I'll turn myself in tomorrow,'" Sewell said.

He said he thinks his designated mark is legal. "Penn DOT accepted it on my driver's license. I have a credit card with it," he said. "It shouldn't be a problem."
I want to be on this guy's side, but I don't want republicans thinking they can get away with impersonating the Creator. They already control the government, having them control the clergy would blow. Oh wait, who am I kidding, it's those crazy conservative republicans that run that already. Forget it, we're screwed either way.

Researchist Round-Up

This past week I had another batch of market research studies that I participated on. I know, you're not supposed to do these within 1 year of performing one, and it might be ethically wrong to participate in these things 1 day apart from the other, but it's not my fault these recruiters don't keep accurate records. If they call, and they offer me money, I'm going to do it. Bills don't pay themselves you know.

The first one I had this week was on Wednesday. It's my favorite type of market research. Videogame testing. I know, I got paid to play a videogame?? What? What sort of utopian society did I accidentaly stumble into? It wasn't a terribly engaging game, but the hundred bucks I netted as a result of attending was more than enough to let me enjoy it. What was the game? Unfortunately, I can't go into details. Non-disclosure agreement. All I can say it was very Diablo-esque, and it will be coming out this year from THQ. I think the contract I signed said that if I go into too much detail, they'll sick Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan on me . . . and those bitches would tear me apart in a minute. They both look extremely hungry and I hear . . . have a taste for human blood. Allegedly.

I do have to add that on that night, I was extremely close to the Reasearchist Holy Grail, which is getting let go without doing the research, but still getting paid. Unfortunately for me, some jackass wigger (yeah, I said wigger) made a big tiff about how he had to take the bus home and no one told him he'd be there past 10:00 PM. Fucking pussy. I think he was ticked off also because there was another group in the holding area with us that was for IT professionals, and they were getting paid two hundred bucks for the participation. Oh well.

Last night, I had another one where I went to North Hollywood, watched a television show, filled out some questionaires, and got 70 bucks for it. It only took about an hour to do, so that's pretty good money. What did I watch? Some lame-ass home improvement show on the DIY (Do it Yourself) network. A retarded family had started a bathroom renovation project that got out of hand for them, and 2 years later, their master bathroom was still in shambles. I did luck out in not being chosen to discuss the show afterwards, because that would have meant me staying for an extra hour for the same amount of pay. Apart from the snooze-inducing show we watched (which is an occupational hazard I guess, last time I did this . . . I got to watch a pilot for the Sarah Silverman Programme) it was enjoyable.

I do need to comment on the type of people that attend these things. Freaky. Not all of them though. Just about 80%. Most of the people that go to these things look like they're looking for fast cash for their next illicit drug score. It's kind of funny if you like to people watch, but for someone like myself, that hates people in general, it's a little unnerving. Also, kind of scary, because they hand out checks made out to CASH, and you never know when one of these crackheads are going to get greedy and try to jump you for your not-so-hard earned money. Luckily, it was early when the group was let out, and I made it to my car without a problem.

I highly recommend anyone who is looking to pad out their income a little to try these market research groups out. They don't try to sell you anything. It's not a time-share presentation-like environment (which I need to do again . . . I need a new DVD player), and it usually pays upwards of 50 bucks/hour. You can't say no to easy money. Unless you're a communist. You're not a communist are you? You're goint to make Uncle Sam cry if you are.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles Teaser

I don't know what I could say about Robotech. If you're familiar with the tale of transforming F14 Tomcats and invading Zentradi giant aliens you know that it was epic in scope. If you watched this during the 80's, then you know it kicked ass. If you watched the Macross follow ups, you know they kicked ass. Now, if you check out the trailer for Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles you know that no matter how mediocre this may end up being, it's going to kick some ass in some nostalgic level. Depending on when the DVD distribution deal gets cemented, this should be hitting store shelves sometime in May or July of this year. Thank you Harmony Gold. I will be forwarding my first born to you as soon as it pops out of my wife.

Chris Penn - RIP Status

Chris Penn, younger brother of Sean Penn, was found dead in his Los Angeles residence on Tuesday. No signs of foul play, and I'm pretty sure the autopsy will be revealing the cause of death shortly. He was not in the best of shape, so I'm thinking heart attack. Or drug overdose, or a drug induced heart attack. But that's just speculation. I have no idea if he currently was on anything illicit. It's best not to dwell on this. I am a marginal fan of his work. My favorite one of his roles being Nice Guy Eddie from the Quentin Tarantino flick Reservoir Dogs. You can review his IMDB page here.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Search Perversion

I am always interested in what people are searching for when they make it to my blog. It's really hilarious when someone finds my blog by using search terms that I would never think of coming up with myself. Stuff like "Ninja Cheerleader Spanking Pictures". Now, I haven't seen that yet, but since I did include it in this post, I'm sure it'll appear someday soon. Anyway, here are the last few search terms that brought people here.

seattle media - Blog Search
rachel mcadams hairy nipple (and wardrobe malfunction) - Yahoo Search
television production - Blog Search
murrysville "day of the dead" - Blingo
WB UPN - Blog Search
Veronica Mars - Blog Search
"Cisco Henson" - Google
end of the spear - Technorati

Hmm . . . I should have checked this before getting the search terms. Oh well, people are still looking for Rachel McAdams' furry-nipples. And who wants to see hobo'd out Cisco Henson and his Mischa Barton blood-moustache. Oh well. Hope next time I do this there are more interesting things on the list.

Chip of the ol' Block - Nippletopia

Didn't I just last week post pictures of Paris Hilton's mother showing off her nipples through a fishnet top. What is wrong with this family? What's next week going to bring us. Her father's going to be the centerfold in Playgirl magazine? Sweet Jesus. Well, anyway, these pictures were recently snapped up by the papparazzi, proving that their existance is somewhat worthwhile. I like the handcuff purse, because it's functional you see. She can detach them later from her purse and get strapped down to a bed for her Japanese midget gangbang. Wait a minute, that was a little redundant. Anyway, click on the pictures to make them slightly bigger . . . and to the perverts out there, I'm sure it will make something else bigger. Oh, and if you're in an office and you get fired for checking out these NSFW pictures, you're welcome :).

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

WB-UPN Merger?

I found this on AICN today when I was browsing looking for pictures from the horrid looking X-Men movie that's coming out this year. It made me wonder . . . does this mean that Veronica Mars will be taking on Supernatural cases? Will Smallville's Clark Kent be swarmed by smarmy black Girlfriends? Will One Tree Hill get . . . umm . . what other shows are on the UPN network?? I don't watch it usually. Anyway, read up on the ginormous press release.

Each Company To Hold 50% Interest In The CW Television Network

Tribune Broadcasting and CBS Corporation Stations Agree To 10-Year Affiliation Agreements Covering 48% Of The Country

New Television Network To Utilize the Best Programming from CBS Corporation and Warner Bros.

Dawn Ostroff Is Tapped As President of Entertainment At The New Network; John Maatta Will Be Chief Operating Officer

The WB and UPN to Cease Operations in September 2006

January 24, 2006 (New York, NY) — CBS Corporation and Warner Bros. Entertainment today announced their intent to form a new 5th network, The CW, to be launched in the fall of 2006. The new broadcasting network will be a joint venture between Warner Bros. Entertainment and CBS Corporation, with each company owning 50%. In an important strategic move that secures major market distribution for The CW, it was announced that Tribune Broadcasting and the CBS Corporation's UPN affiliates have agreed separately to sign 10-year affiliation agreements with the new network.

The announcement for the new network was made today in New York by Leslie Moonves, President and Chief Executive Officer of CBS Corporation and Barry Meyer, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Warner Bros. Entertainment. The Tribune Broadcasting affiliation agreements were announced by Dennis FitzSimons, Chairman, President and Chief Executive Officer of Tribune Company.

At the same time, it was announced that CBS Corporation and Warner Bros. Entertainment will cease operations of their respective networks -- UPN and The WB. The WB and UPN will continue to broadcast their respective network schedules independently until the fall.

The combination of Tribune's 16 major market stations and the 12 CBS-owned UPN major market affiliates give The CW instant coverage in 48% of the country. The remainder of the network's distribution system will be a combination of selected current UPN and The WB stations. The full distribution of the new network is expected to exceed 95% of the country.

Dawn Ostroff, currently President of UPN, will become President of Entertainment and John Maatta, currently Chief Operating Officer of The WB, will become Chief Operating Officer of The CW.

"This new network will serve the public with high-quality programming and maintain our ongoing commitment to our diverse audience," said Moonves. "It will clearly be greater than the sum of its parts, delivering excellent demographics to advertisers, and building a strong new affiliate body. Additionally, The CW will be able to draw from the creative talent and production resources from the top two television production studios in the business, while also seeking programming from all sources -- independent producers or other studios. With this move, we will be creating a viable entity, one well-equipped to compete, thrive and serve all our many publics in this multi-channel media universe. I'd like to thank Dawn Ostroff and all the talented people at UPN who have worked so hard. For many years UPN had financial losses, but under CBS's guidance, UPN has been able to effect a dramatic creative turnaround in a short period of time."

"This new network makes sound business and creative sense at every level -- for our viewers, advertisers, affiliates and for the shareholders of our companies," said Meyer. "Every key constituency of the network will now greatly benefit from this combination by being part of a highly rated, competitive, 5th broadcast network that is financially sound. As we form this new joint venture, we are also very pleased that in Dawn and John we have a management team of great creative vision and business acumen, one that will help to guide it successfully forward."

"This is a very exciting day for Time Warner and its shareholders in the creation of what we believe will be a very strong and viable 5th broadcast television network," said Jeff Bewkes, President & Chief Operating Officer of Time Warner. "This new network will have all the strategic asset value as an outlet for our programming that The WB presented us, but with a much firmer and more secure financial present and future. The credit goes to Barry Meyer, who continues to have tremendous vision and extraordinary business acumen as the long time leader of Warner Bros. Entertainment, a company that we are proud to say continues to be number one in its class."

"This is a great day for Tribune and its shareholders, and we are pleased to be the lead affiliate group of what will be a strong network," said FitzSimons. "We could not have had a better partner than Warner Bros. and Barry Meyer since we together launched The WB 11 years ago. Now, with the ownership role of CBS Corporation and the leadership of Leslie Moonves added to the mix, Tribune's viewers and advertisers will benefit from an even stronger programming lineup."

The 16 Tribune affiliated stations will include New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, Dallas, Washington, D.C., Houston, Miami, Denver, St. Louis, Portland, Indianapolis, San Diego, Hartford, New Orleans and Albany. The 12 CBS Station Group television markets will include Philadelphia, San Francisco, Atlanta, Detroit, Tampa, Seattle, Sacramento, Pittsburgh, West Palm Beach, Norfolk, Oklahoma City and Providence. Together, these top two station groups cover the top 13 television markets, 20 of the top 25 television markets and have a total coverage area of more than 48% of the country.

The CW will incorporate The WB's current scheduling model, which consists of a 6 night-13 hour primetime lineup including Monday through Friday nights from 8-10 (EST/PST); Sundays from 7-10 (EST/PST); Sunday from 5-7 (EST/PST) outside of primetime as well as a Monday thru Friday afternoon block from 3-5 (EST/PST) and a 5-hour Saturday morning animation block. Together, the network will program 30 hours a week over seven days for its affiliated stations.

As the top creative executive, Ostroff will have available a line-up of some of the most popular programming that appeals to young adults in the media business. These programming assets range from hit reality series such as "America's Next Top Model" and The WB's "Beauty and the Geek," to hit dramas like The WB's "Smallville," "Gilmore Girls," "Supernatural," and UPN's "Veronica Mars" as well as UPN's hit comedies "Everybody Hates Chris" and "Girlfriends" and The WB's hit comedy "Reba." In addition the WWE's "Smackdown," which has been a mainstay at UPN, is expected to play a role in the schedule.

In addition, The CW will also broadcast the schedule of children's programming now known as Kids' WB!, a 5-hour original programming block on Saturday mornings from 7:00 am-Noon, considered primetime for kids. Kids' WB! has been the broadcast network ratings champion since Fall 2000, capturing 16 consecutive sweep victories as the Number One Saturday morning kids' broadcaster.

All programming, marketing, scheduling, publicity and research functions will report to Ostroff.

Maatta will be responsible for the network's business operations. Bill Morningstar, The WB's Executive Vice President of Advertising Sales will become the head of sales reporting to Maatta. Other responsibilities that will report to Maatta include business affairs, network distribution, legal, finance and human resources.

Meyer added: "This could not have happened without the tremendous energy and talent of Bruce Rosenblum, President of Warner Bros. Television Group and Nancy Tellem at CBS who worked tirelessly and cohesively together to make this new network a reality. I would also like to thank Dennis FitzSimons, who saw the great opportunity this new network presents for the Tribune Company and who continues to be one of the great professionals and broadcasters in the business today."

Moonves added: "This idea becomes a reality only when a great station group like Tribune comes on board with us and delivers the powerful reach a new network requires. With formidable flagship Tribune stations in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles, a great CBS line-up of owned and operated UPN stations, and strong affiliates from every available market, The CW launches as a strong competitor to the Big Four, and that's good for our business, for the viewing audience, and for free, over the air broadcasting. It is also good news for our shareholders, who will benefit from a much stronger business model, improved economics for our stations and new opportunities for our production businesses."

CBS Corporation (NYSE: CBS.A and CBS) is a mass media company with constituent parts that reach back to the beginnings of the broadcast industry, as well as newer businesses that operate on the leading edge of the media industry. The Company, through its many and varied operations, combines broad reach with well-positioned local businesses, all of which provide it with an extensive distribution network by which it serves audiences and advertisers in all 50 states and key international markets. It has operations in virtually every field of media and entertainment, including broadcast television (CBS and UPN), cable television (Showtime), local television (CBS Television Stations), television production and syndication (CBS Paramount Television and King World), radio (CBS Radio), advertising on out-of-home media (CBS Outdoor), publishing (Simon & Schuster), theme parks (Paramount Parks), digital media (CBS Digital Media Group and CSTV Networks) and consumer products (CBS Consumer Products). For more information, log on to www.cbscorporation.com.

Warner Bros. Entertainment, a fully-integrated, broad-based entertainment company, is a global leader in the creation, production, distribution, licensing and marketing of all forms of entertainment and their related businesses. Warner Bros. Entertainment, a Time Warner Company, stands at the forefront of every aspect of the entertainment industry, from feature films to television, home video/DVD, animation, comic books, interactive entertainment and games, product and brand licensing, international cinemas and broadcasting.

TRIBUNE (NYSE:TRB) is one of the country's top media companies, operating businesses in publishing and broadcasting. It reaches more than 80 percent of U.S. households and is the only media organization with newspapers, television stations and websites in the nation's top three markets. In publishing, Tribune operates 11 leading daily newspapers including the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and Newsday, plus a wide range of targeted publications such as Spanish-language Hoy. The company's broadcasting group operates 26 television stations, Superstation WGN on national cable, Chicago's WGN-AM and the Chicago Cubs baseball team. Popular news and information websites complement Tribune's print and broadcast properties and extend the company's nationwide audience.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Sucking the Box Office Dry

1. Underworld: Evolution
2. Hoodwinked
3. Glory Road
4. Last Holiday
5. Brokeback Mountain
6. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
7. Fun With Dick and Jane
8. End of the Spear
9. Hostel
10. King Kong

If it's not the lure of vampires duking it out with werewolves, it must have been the lure of Kate Beckinsale in tight leather strutting around and looking hot while having the core temperature way below 98.6 degrees ('cause, you know . . . vampires are undead). The #2 spot belongs to Hoodwinked, who held the same spot last week after some re-shuffling in the list. I guess most people are going in thinking that Anne Hathaway will expose some flesh in animated form . . . or families are just looking for something that'll keep the young'uns quiet for an hour and a half. The middle of the pack is populated by the regulars except for End of the Spear, which I only started seeing commercials for a couple of weeks and thought it was a television movie that would air on National Geographic Channel.

Seems moviegoers are finally checking out of Hostel, hopefully with all their limbs intact. Peter Jackson's King Kong seems to be entering the denoument of it's theatrical run and looking to make a ton of cash in a couple of months via DVD. You know there's going to be at least 2 versions. The regular one that everyone will pick up, and the extended 5 hour edition which I must own. Why must I own it? Well, there were three LotR movies, I own a total of 6 versions totaling 18 DVD's . . . you draw your own conclusions.

Speaking of DVD . . . I wonder what ever happened to "DVD Tome". Eek! I need to bring that back.

Non-Gov-Approved Cheese

We all have dumb friends that will make us do retarded things from time to time. Like robbing liquor stores, setting churches on fire, or going to watch really terrible movies. Stuff like Annapolis, which comes out this weekend. Well, when someone you know says: "Hey, let's go watch that James Franco movie, it looks gay-tastic" you can let them know that you really shouldn't since it's not an accurate portrayal of Navy life. Just check out the Navy's statement about it. (Found on AICN)
Info below provided by CNAF PAO for guidance on the movie Annapolis: On January 27, 2006, Buena Vista Pictures (a division of the Disney Studios) will release "ANNAPOLIS," a feature film that purports to be about life at the Naval Academy. This picture was made without the support of the Department of the Navy (DoN) and the Department of Defense (DoD). Various Navy offices have been approached by Disney and their publicity affiliates to participate in screenings and promotional activities.
Our policy is that we do not participate in promotional events for motion pictures which we declined to provide filming support.
CHINFO was initially approached through NAVINFO WEST for assistance with this production. In preparation of the script, the producers were given several research opportunities at the Naval Academy and were allowed to film the "I Day" induction of the Plebe Class. When the script was presented for support, it was reviewed by NAVINFO WEST and the Naval Academy. Extensive notes were provided to the producers - who provided additional drafts of the script to the Navy. Unfortunately, the story depicted in the script did not accurately portray the Academy, its standards for training, and its methods of shaping midshipmen mentally, morally and physically for service in the U.S. Navy. Based on this, the producers were not allowed access to the Academy grounds or provided with any other support for the filming.
Navy personnel should avoid the appearance of support to the film as members of the Department of the Navy. Anyone attending a screening or promotional activity for the film should not attend in uniform. Recruiters who are asked to set up booths in theater lobbies where the movie is playing should contact the Recruiting Command PAO.
Queries about the film should be referred to CHINFO (703) 000-0000 or NAVINFO WEST (310) 000-0000 .
Brief guidance in response to query is provided below:
Q1 - Did the Navy support the making of the film "ANNAPOLIS?"
A1 - No. Some research opportunities were provided for the producers, but no actual support for the filming was provided.
Q2 - Why didn't the Navy support the film?
A2 -- The script did not accurately portray the Naval Academy and its training procedures.
Q3 - In what way is it inaccurate?
A3 -- It is our general policy not to discuss specifics of any project that is turned down for support.
Q4 - There was filming of "I-Day" at the Academy. Wasn't this support for the production?
A4 -- The Academy allowed the Producers to film "I-Day" because the opportunity to shoot that footage would only happen once a year. Permission was given on the grounds that the footage could only be used if the production received DoN and DoD support. Since the production did not receive support, that footage could not be used in the picture.
Q5 -- Disney filmed the movie in Philadelphia. Why?
A5 -- Please contact Buena Vista Pictures for any information on this.
Q6 -- Why aren't Navy people allowed to participate in promotional activities for the movie?
A6 -- It is our general policy not to provide promotional support for motion pictures were not supported by the DoN or DoD.
Cdr Jack Hanzlik
There you have it. After the dismal returns that Tristan & Isolde brought 2 weeks ago, and the expected terrible performance this upcoming movie, it looks like the Franco Revolution kinda sputtered out. That guy should just stick to playing Harry Osbourne in the Spider-Man movies every 3 years. He's lucky to have gotten that.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Uwe Rapes More Franchises

I don't know why Dr.(?) Uwe Boll hates everyone who likes videogames. His movies are terrible, his casting is abhorrent, and his lack of style is preposterous. Yet, he keeps getting his hands on franchises he really should not be messing around with and the decides to rip-off way better directors while he's doing it. Just take a look at this rough-cut of the Dungeon Siege movie he's making that looks an awful lot like one of the LotR movies. Click me.

I saw a teaser for an interview that Game Head is going to be doing with Dr. Boll on the next episode this coming Saturday on the Spike TV channel. I have to watch it. It's utterly imperative. In the tease, Uwe keeps going on and on about how people hate his movies and then, inexplicably, goes off on how people didn't hate Electra and Catwoman . . . which . . . from what I heard, were pretty much hated by everyone who watched them. Just what parallel universe is this man inhabiting.

Let's just recap the movies that Uwe Boll has made. House of the Dead. Alone in the Dark. Bloodrayne. I think this time I'm going to go to the theater to watch the next movie he's making. It'd be a perfect place to take a nap.

The Future is On

Futurama is one of my all time favorite shows. I actually prefer it over to what the Simpsons have become . . . which is pretty boring. Sorry, I know there are tons of Simpson fans out there that are totally loyal and devoted to the antics they perform, but I've noticed a decline in the quality over the past couple of years and now, on Sundays, and I see that the Simpsons are on I shrug and say "whatever".

But, Futurama has done exceptionally well on DVD, much like Family Guy which got the ax from FOX prematurely only to be brought back from the dead. It also doesn't hurt that the syndicated reruns on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network consistenly top the ratings on that channel. So, this below, taken from the Billy West Forums comes as no surprise to me. It's from the man himself, the voice of Fry, Farnsworth, Zap Brannigan and others.
Here's the official word on Futurama!!
David X. phoned me about an hour ago and said that this Futurama project
is a done deal! Here's the word from DX---
There are 4 DVD movies that we'll start recording at the end of July or
August.Full feature length FUTURAMA movies.
Everybody is excited to get back together--as I am!

Into the Future,
Freaking awesome huh? I can't wait for these movies. I also can't wait to have enough disposable cash to pick 3rd and 4th season sets that are out there. Everyone needs to buy/watch more Futurama. Bring this show back from reruns and into weekly aired new episodes. I don't care what network it comes to. I just needs to come back. I'm eagerly anticipating this about as much as I'm anticipating the awesomeness that will be the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie that comes out this year.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Irony is the New Pink

It's almost poetic the perfect timing of Nicole Ritchie's words about not wanting to flash her boobs as her garment slips over that shriveled raisin she calls a boob and exposes her nipple. Man. That's like if I were being interviewed about how I hate killing hobos and suddenly, I whip out a couple of fragmentation granades and toss them in the middle of Skid Row. Not that I'm thinking about doing that, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. *wink*

Friday, January 20, 2006

PMS Patrol

So, I'm just browsing blogs on Blogadvance while call volume at work is pretty low, and I happen across this blog titled "Lady in Satin". I didn't really bother to read what the hell it was all about since I was just passing through, but I'd thought I'd drop a rather inoccous message simply stating "this blog would be way better if it were called 'Lady in Satan'." I was not expecting this little response in my Gmail inbox.
why would you post some bullshit like that on my blog? Are you that idle? Do you not have anything better to do with your time?

In case you didn't mean to rub me the wrong way, I don't care! Either way, whether you were playing or not, I take that as an extreme insult.

Please don't comment on my blog anymore.

Thanks for the laughs.

Gwen "Opie" Stacy

Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Ron Howard will be taking the role of Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 3. If you are familiar with the character, then you know it was Peter Parker's first true love and one of his greatest losses at the hand of the Green Goblin. Unfortunately, they already used the scene where she perishes in the first Spider-Man movie when they dangled Kirsten Dunst from the bridge. Go figure. And yes, I do realize that they hired a blonde and then colored her to play a redhead and now they're hiring a redhead and coloring her hair to make her play a blonde. It's the Magic of cinema I guess. Or utter retardation. The only thing I have not liked from the Spider-Man flicks has been Dunst's participation. The world is not perfect though, so what're you going to do. Gwen Stacy's addition to the cast will create a nice little love-triangle situation for Peter Parker. Should be interesting to see as he's fighting Sandman and the other unspecified Topher Grace acted-villian. I leave you with another shot of the actress.

Silent Hill Trailer

I liked Christopher Gans' first film, Brotherhood of the Wolf, so my hopes after seeing this great little trailer are pretty moderate that this film will be true to the source material and actually worth watching. It stars Rhada Mitchell & Sean Bean who I'm sure is trying to forget that airplane movie he made with Jodie Foster. Lots of creepy things going on in this trailer, so check it out here courtesy of Yahoo Movies. Once again, I've been nice enough to provide a link with both Quicktime and Windows Media Player . . . because I know there are retards out there that have not made the transition to the better of the two. Oh, and I'm scared to think of what the Real Player fans will do when they realize that it's not one of the options on the page. Well, actually, no I don't. Real Player users wouldn't know how to use computers anyway.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Oh No She Didn't . . .Mhhm

Sometimes celebrities wear dresses that are similar. And then, sometimes, they wear the same damn thing and it sparks a totally useless "controversy". Reese Whitherspoon's boob-crushing designer dress was apparently worn by Kirsten Dunst 3 years ago to the same event. Oh no! Stop the friggin' presses. What Reese might worry about is having people think she's Dunst. Nobody likes trolls with saggy boobs and weird shaped toof'eses. Now, that would be kind of hard, since noone has a chin that's 3 feet long like Reese's (pieces?). Not even ugly chicks who keep getting leading lady acting gigs in Hollywood. What people should be focusing on are all those male celebrities wearing the same color suits. I mean, talk about embarrassing. Oh wait, dudes don't care about shit like this.

Lost Recap 1/19/06

Last night's episode of Lost dealt with Michael going out to look for his son Walt, who has been taken by The Others. He knocked out Locke and locked Jack in the vault holding all the weapons and that's pretty much the last time we see Michael the whole episode. Jack, Locke & Sawyer head out to try to find them, and Kate follows them unbeknownst to the search party. This causes trouble for them later in the episode, where The Others make themselves seen via the scraggly-bearded man who took Walt towards the end of the 1st season.

The Others give our Losties an ultimatum, don't fuck with us and we might not fuck with you. They tell the search party that Walt is a special boy and that Michael will be alright. They also make them hand over their guns when they reveal that they've taken Kate hostage. So, thanks to her, they lose 4 handguns and an assault rifle. Oh well, but Kate's cute so Jack naturally forgives her.

Other minor things happen as well during this episode. Hurley asks Charlie what his chances are to hook up with one of the chicks from the tail section (the one he helped set up camp in the previous episode) and the flashback sequences deal with Jack and the breakup of his marriage. Seems that his long work schedule led to his wife cheating on him and him finding out about it after he kissed the daughter of a patient he was operating on that did not live past the procedure. Ouch. Not really relevant to the Lost mythos, but it does help us see that Jack might have some trouble with relationships, and it shows in short flashes of jealousy he has over Sawyer & Kate's flirty friendship.

Charlie also starts feeling jealous about Locke getting close to Claire and Turnip-head (that's what he calls the baby I think) and this could set the stage for a resurgence of his drug addiction. The previews for next week's episode seems to be going in that direction. Once again, AnaL come up during the final minutes of the show, and Jack asks her how long it might take to train an army.

Good episode, although I dozed off for a minute or two during the flashback sequence. No fault to Lost though. We're starting to work-out again, and I was mighty tired.

Which Badass Are You?

Came across this little quiz on someone's blog, forget whom. Not important, but do take the test and find out which type of anti-hero you are. Apparently, I'm a sexy bounty hunter. Go figure

You's a bounty hunter, bi-yatch!
Which Typical Anti-Hero Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Consumer Confidential

I am a consumerist whore. I don't feel complete unless I'm buying shit all the time. I know I have a problem, and I know that I don't want to deal with it. I have taken steps though to not make the credit hole any larger by actually using my own money to make most of the recent purchases from the last couple of months. Just this past weekend, when my wife was chiding me on to buy a couple of DVD's, I could have easily taken one of my Mastercards or Visas and paid for it. But, instead, I reached for the Debit card and paid with that instead. What did I buy that night? Labyrinth Superbit Edition, Appleseed & Millions. She bought Maria Full of Grace. We're starting to split costs. Sure, her's was only 1/3 of my total purchase, but it's nice that she's pitching in.

Since today is payday, and I have made all necessary payments to creditors/services, I decided to cruise on over to Amazon.com to pick up a couple of trade paperbacks that I've been meaning to buy for quite some time. I would have made the purchase from Grasshoppercomics.com, my prefered comic book online store, but they've been down for a month or so revamping their site, so I had no other choice. Here are the three books I purchased (along with synopsis provided by Amazon.com) that will not be read by my wife at all *wink-wink*. (Your secret is still safe sweety).

The third collection of Fables, the Sandman spin-off about fairy-tale characters exiled in New York, contains four stories. The longest, "Storybook Love," is the most satisfying, but the others have their fairy-tale-like (i.e., grisly) charms. Revealing that the Jack of beanstalk fame and the Jack of the eponymous tall tales are identical, "Bag o' Bones" spins a Civil War yarn in which Jack detains the Grim Reaper, so that no one can die. In "a two-part caper" (all that's given in the way of a title), the Fables community puts Briar Rose, aka the Sleeping Beauty, back on slumberous hold to prevent exposure by a scandal-rag journalist. In "Barleycorn Bride," Bigby Wolf relays some of the Fables' early history in America to explain why 18-year-old Lilliputian boys try to steal magic barleycorns from a jar at the Fables' Manhattan headquarters. The long story concerns a plot to seize Fables leadership by Bluebeard and Goldilocks; it includes some Fables mainstays' apparent demises and begs for future development. Deucedly cleverly written, yeomanly drawn. Ray Olson
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Willingham's happy idea of bringing the Fables--that is, the characters of Europe's best-known fairy tales--to contemporary New York rolls merrily, dangerously along in two stories. The former, "The Last Castle," guest-drawn by P. Craig Russell and Craig Hamilton, flashes back to the Fables' last stand in their home world; echoing the Disney and John Wayne Alamo flicks and Peter Jackson's Two Towers, it winningly introduces the long title story, in which Boy Blue reencounters the love he loses in "The Last Castle"--the grown-up Red Riding Hood. But is this the same Red? Reason for doubt precedes her in goblin sightings near a door between this and the Fables' worlds--and goblins can only be harbingers of impending attack by the Adversary, who drove the Fables into exile. Meanwhile, what's with these toughies in black suits who look like Pinocchio? Willingham never sacrifices a joke for the sake of a thrill, or vice versa, and artist Mark Buckingham continues matching Willingham joke for thrill, and vice versa. Ray Olson
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Fables, the comic about fairy-tale characters ("Fables") living in exile in Manhattan and upstate New York, started with a jaunty mystery (Legends in Exile, 2003) full of irony, but it has steadily darkened. Some major figures--Bluebeard, for instance--have been killed, and in March of the Wooden Soldiers (2004), the Manhattan enclave was attacked by forces of the Adversary, which drove them from their home world. The title story here depicts the year after the attack. Summer sees the birth of Deputy Mayor Snow White's sextuplets (the father is Sheriff Bigby Wolf); fall, Prince Charming's election as mayor; winter, bad decisions by the new administration; and spring, plans to counterattack the Adversary. Two shorter pieces show Bigby Wolf on a secret mission during World War II and Cinderella entrapping a Fable who is collaborating with the Adversary. Tony Akins draws the shorter stories with less detail than Mark Buckingham does the big one; both uphold Fables' snappy good looks. Ray Olson
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Box-Office Shuffle

1. Glory Road
2. Hoodwinked
3. Last Holiday
4. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
5. Hostel
6. Fun With Dick and Jane
7. King Kong
8. Tristan & Isolde
9. Brokeback Mountain
10. Cheaper by the Dozen 2

Here are your top money makers in Hollywood right now. If you had checked this list a couple of days ago, you would have actually seen Hoodwinked in the lead, which would have signaled the return of the Anti-christ. Looks like they retabulated the results and gave the top spot to Glory Road. It's not by much though, just over 100 grand, which is pocket change for me. Queen Latifah's near death comedy gets some cash while Chronicles of Narnia: Long Title & Hostel keep making money and ensuring sequels. Tristan & Isolde premiers at #8 despite the ton of commercial coverage leading to this past weekend. I swear I could not get into my car and listen to the radio without getting assaulted by 3 commercials for that movie every 10 minutes.

Brokeback Mountain I think opened in wider release, and thanks to being nominated for awards and the such keeps making steady money. King Kong breaks 200 million, which is sort of disappointing when you think about it. It ain't no LOTR cash machine. Not a whole lot of comedies on the countdown, if you could consider Cheaper by the Dozen 2 a comedy. My favorite comedy of 2006 (Grandma's Boy) so far remains largely unseen. Kinda like bigfoot. You've heard about someone seeing it, but you can't get any evidence about it. Oh well. There's always DVD.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Crack is Whack

Infamous words spoken by Whitney Houston during an interview with Barbara Walters I believe. If Whitney was so not into crack, then just why the hell does she look like she's using the bathroom at her local Circle K to pleasure young black men for crack-buying money? I mean, it's nice and all that she is willing to pose for a picture with the guy after he's done emptying his sack into her crack-smoking mouth, but that don't make it right. If the proof that this woman consumes boulders of rock-cocaine is not apparent from that bleary-eyed look on her face that goes along with that disheveled hair-do of hers, then it should be evident from her choice of wardrobe. What is she wearing? A Salvation Army purchased fur coat and pink sweatpants? Oh Whitney, you need a fashion Bodyguard.

When you all are done groaning about that knee-slapper I just laid on you, remember that everything on this website is alleged. So, if anyone on Whitney Houston's "crack" *giggle* legal team catches a whiff of this . . . hey, it's just a rumor. But they must have their hands full trying to deal with her weekly Enquirer/Star magazine appearances to notice my little blog. So I'm not really worried . . . allegedly that is.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Janet "Orca" Jackson

There used to be a time when I could say "No matter what, I'm still thinner than Jack Osbourne". Then, that prick had to go an drop his oxycontin addiction and get hooked on adrenaline which led to him losing weight. Pfft . . . quitter. Anyway, Janet Jackson has replaced Jack as my new pillar of sanity, because when I see her these days, I can truly say that I don't need to wear sweatshirts weaved from used circus tents. I don't know when this happened to her. Last I heard anything about the sanest Jackson of them all, she was nude sunbathing. Sure, it wasn't a pretty sight, but she did not look like a walrus getting some sun. And not too long before that, I think she was banging Justin Timberlake before he moved on to Alyssa Milano and then, ultimately, to Joker-style grinning Cameron Diaz.

So, since then, I'm just trying to figure out when she replaced breathing with consumption of Tommy's chilli-cheese burgers. I can only assume that her chubby friend pictured along with her is excited because they just came upon a new all you can eat soul food buffet complete with a chitlin bar. Whatever the case is, you can almost tell that Janet is booking in that direction, ready to barge through any crowd to silence the monster growling in her stomach.

Like Mother Like Daughter

If you all were collectively wondering just why Paris Hilton is such a mega-slut, then you don't have to look very far to find out the reason. She's just a chip of the ol' slutty block. Just check out the pictures of Kathy Hilton below. Yes, Paris gets her money from her father and her loose-uncrossable legs from her mother. She must have known that the shirt she was wearing was see through . . . I mean, come on lady, it's made out of fishnets.
She even has the decency (lack thereof) to get caught flashing her mammaries with her daughter Nicky in the background. They must have been attending one of those Mother-Daughter lesbian-sex orgy parties I hear are all the rage with the rich elite. Ok, maybe I made that up, but the way this woman dresses and the way her daughters act . . . it's not that far a stretch of the imagination.
I'm just wondering though, where is Paris. Shouldn't she be in the pictures as well, wearing ass-less chaps and crotchless panties while beer-bonging a bucket full of fresh bukkake juice? Maybe she was too busy with her "career" to attend this little soire. What career was that? Yeah, I'm trying to figure that one out myself as well.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Slither's Red Band Trailer

Just watch the trailer. I could go on and on about how much I want to watch this movie, but it'll just keep you from experiencing the "for restricted viewers only" trailer that kicks much ass. Check it out here courtesy of iFilm.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Alternate Reality Console Wars

In a perfect world, the Sega Dreamcast defeated the Playstation 2 . . . and this video proves it.

Crawford Prospecting

Digging for gold in your nose should be at the top of the list of things you should try to avoid when you are an aging 90's sex symbol and once regarded as being one of the most beautiful women in the world. Cindy Crawford must not have gotten that memo handed to her yet. And maybe she just doesn't care anymore. I'll tell you what though, nose picking like that won't get her any more Pepsi endorsements. The only way she could shoot the remainder of her career in the foot is by doing one of two things. Snort cocaine off of CD cases and start dancing like an idiot . . . or hook up with Max Hardcore and let him defile what's left of her hotness. I'm sure Max would not have a problem with that. Have you seen his website? That's one dirty motherfucker. He'd probably let her pick his nose . . . amongst other things.

Colin Pulls a Paris

Seems that Irish actor Colin Farrel likes to get it on . . . on tape. I'm sure by now everyone's heard about the sex-tape he made with a former Playboy model, but just who has seen this adult home movie yet? It's very likely that when Farrel's attorneys get through with the legal proceedings, no one will. At this point in time, the site hosting the video is down. Site owners are claiming the large amount of traffic crashed their servers, and attorneys are saying that a court order led to the shut-down. Friggin lawyers and their party-pooping. It's not like Colin Farrel was banging underage Thai hooker lady-boys on film. When he does that, he makes sure there are no cameras around (allegedly).

But, you can still check out the preview page for the video here. Sure, it's grainy and sometimes you can't tell just what the hell is going on, but it is better shot that Bloodrayne and I'm sure it's making Uwe Boll extremely jealous. The clip is somewhat NSFW, so proceed at your own caution.

Friday, January 13, 2006

From Equilibrium to Ultraviolet

I loved Kurt Wimmer's first feature Equilibrium. Christian Bale seriously kicked ass and that scene with the puppy where he begins to feel . . . oh man, classic. So now, how do you top that? Well, put Mila Jovovich in some tight p-leather and have her hack and slash through hordes of dudes in futuristic looking . . .yet easily shatter-able body armor. Now, in addition to that, you have a ton of kung-fu'y acrobatics and even motorcycles driving up buildings, which beats her Resident Evil 2 stunt that had her running down a building. Anyone can run down a building, pfft . . . not a whole lot of people can drive up one. Anyway, check it out here. Windows Media & Quicktime available. Pick your poison.

Listed on Craig

There's been a sudden influx of unexpected traffic coming in lately from somewhere that I really thought would be the last place anyone would link me from . . . Craigslist.org. Seems someone sent a link to someone who felt compelled to put the hooka down for a minute, press pause on the Sublime CD and post about my own little shitberg on the internet. I'd like to personally thank the San Diegans who are clamoring for a piece of the BAFW and I guarantee that being here is more entertaining than being stuck on I-8 during rush hour. Shoutouts to all my peeps in El Cajon, Lemon Grove, Rancho Penasquitos, Clairemont, Mira Mesa, PB, Rancho Bernardo, Poway, Point Loma and anything else I might have missed.

The proof is in the pudding.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Lost Recap 1/12/06

If you missed last night's episode of Lost, then you missed out on a couple of juicy happenings. You missed out on the backstory for Mr Eko. His past as a Nigerian drug-lord/gangster was shown and it all ties back to the plane that Locke and Boone found which ultimately led to Boone's demise and Charlie's finding of more heroin on the island. Eko sits down with Claire who casually tells him about Charlie's catholicism because he carries a Virgin Mary statue all over the place with him, which Eko asks to see and then shatters it, revealing to Claire that it's not just for worship as it is filled to the brim with baggies of dope.

Eko gets a hold of Charlie and demands he take him to the plane where he found this. Along the way, they run into the "beast" which looks unlike what you would have expected. Instead of being a lumbering-tree-knocking-over giant, it's a cloud of black, crackling smoke that Eko stares down. Eko and Charlie then make their way to the plane, where Eko says goodbye to his priest brother who ended up dying on the plane due to some terrible circumstances. He then decides that from then on he will lead a righteous path and recites Psalm 23, which is what the episode was titled.

Back at the camp, it looks like everyone is warming up to Sawyer much to his confusion and Kate's amusement. Claire kicks out Charlie from their little tent-hut-thingamabob because she doesn't want drugs around the baby. Michael keeps communicating with his lost son Walt via computer-chat (yeah, I'm just glad it's not AIM), Hurley crushes (but not literally . . . yet) on Libby as he helps her set up her refuge fom the elements, and we learn that Charlie did not just have that one statue but several of them stashed somewhere safe in the woods. He's like a little heroin-chipmunk saving his nutty-drugs for the winter. Very little AnaL was to be seen for the entirety of the episode, which must be a relief for all the people around the internet that can't stand her (including my wife).

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


I feel like I should vent about this particularly soul-crushing work day, but the more I think about it, the more I want to just kill people. Not hurt them, but seriously mutilate them. I want to put a blowtorch to the face of every single one of the clients that incessantly call in and are rude and think that dropping a "fuck" or "shit" will snap me into attention and provide them with the technical support they feel they deserve. Shit the fuck up you bastards!

It doesn't help that there are a lot of people out taking sick days. Whatever, the burden has to fall on someone. The few of us that are here today have taken a bullet for the team. We've jumped on the ugly granade that is having a queue full of calls that just does not let up for one moment.

And to the customer that asked for my full name and then my supervisor's name and told me he would have a conversation about my "snippy" attitude. Eat shit and die. I hope you stumble across this and it gives you a heart-attack, you douche-bag. It's not my fault that you are an idiot and don't have the updated program on your computer. I did not upgrade your account to the 2006 version, and when I tell you that you have to remove the 2005 and replace with the 2006, you should do it. The old one is not going to work anymore. Just like how your brain doesn't work anymore because of that advanced case of syphillis I'm sure you contracted from spending too much time in gay bath-houses in the 80's.

Turd. Ass. Fuck.

Shit I'm pissed. And I have to take a piss. In a perfect world, that client would have his mouth working as a urinal in our bathroom and I would be able to piss my frustrations away right into his mouth. But it's not, so I'm guessing the porcelain hunk of junk we have will not do the trick. Oh well. So's life.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Lifting of Paris

From the look of the picture here, looks like there might be some perks to working for Paris Hilton . . . that is, if you want your hand to be covered in herpes from touching her boobs while you lift her because she's too drunk to walk. With those types of perks, I'd rather be inhabiting a cardboard box on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles. I bet the crack whores there are actually cleaner than whatever is coursing through Hilton's system. At least she's not trying to out-do Bleedy-Barton by showing up to a party in a white outfit bleeding from her asshole. I guess there is a line . . . even for someone like Hilton.

Family Guy Does Gilmore Girls

Ok Ok, I confess, I watch Gilmore Girls every week and sometimes catch the end of the repeat showings on the ABC family channel when I get back home from work. So what, sue me. I even do a Lillith Faire'ian dance during the opening theme song. Yes, I'm borderline on growing a vagina. But, if I do, I'd have more sense than Mischa Barton and not wear white pants when I'm bleeding from it. That's why I find the above video so humorous, and also because deep down inside me . . . I do want to see Lorelai and Rory in some hot mom-daughter lesbian action.

Mischa Barton Hemorrages

Either Mischa Barton has contracted Ebola, or this is a picture of her being retarded during her period. I'm going with the second theory, since they're still moving forward with the third season of the OC, so she can't be dead. Although, they can do wonders with CGI these days. Isn't there an unspoken rule or tennet amongst women that you can't wear an all white outfit when you have your mensies? Someone must have forgotten to pass that memo to Mischa. But then again, if you've seen her boyfriend, hobo-chic Cisco Henson, he's so grody he probably digs getting blood moustaches.


Oh man, I think I just made myself sick.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Delicious Poster

This one-sheet for the movie Hard Candy is freaking awesome. Simple, effective, sans-floating-heads. Plus, the bear trap about to snap on the curiously underage-y looking girl is a striking visual. If you went to watch Hostel this past weekend, chances are you got to see the trailer as well, which is supposed to be disturbing. The theater that the Sal and I went to was not playing the trailer. So, if anyone out there knows where I can get a hold of the trailer, please drop me the address in the comment section for this post.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Fuck it, I'm Irish

The wife and I went to watch Grandma's Boy in Burbank this afternoon. Not a whole lot of people in the theater, but it started to fill up towards start time, and then, the gaggle of underage loud bitches stroll in thinking they're hot shit. Now, if only they had stayed quiet throughout the movie, nothing would have happened, but they were the kind of audience that just pisses everyone in the theater off.

I'm talking annoying I-want-to-strangle-the-life-out-of-you laughter. I mean, sure, the movie was funny, and there were some laugh out loud moments all over the place, but these bitches just started to grind on everyone's nerves. Especially my wife. She's a very sweet person and everything but if something flips her switch, it's on. Motherfucking on. She started kicking the back of their seats, did the whole "SHHH!" thing, and when one of the dumb whores was laughing and said "I can't take it anymore", she very audibly said "THEN LEAVE".

She has that Irish temper. So, the movie ends, we walk out, and we take turns emptying our bladders and she runs into the bitches in the bathroom. She stares them down, and then walks away because she's decided to be the better person. The one of the idiots says to her "Yeah, you better leave" and Heather stops, turns around, and drills holes in the back of their necks with those blue eyes of hers. Intense eyes that can cut granite. The four bitches just nervously wash their hands and start whispering amongst each other "she's looking at us".

I wasn't there, but I trust in my wife's accounts of the happenings. She says to them "EXCUSE ME?" and they just try to ignore her. I meet her outside after I am done with my post movie piss, and she tells me "Let's stick around". She tells me what's going on and I try to diffuse the situation. These idiots were clearly underage, and unfortunately in the state of California, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to beat up a minor. Stupid laws.

We light up cigarettes outside of the theater as she rides the adrenaline high. She wants to fight. I'm just wishing that she doesn't start something that will necessitate me calling my father in law asking if he knows any good lawyers. Thankfully, they are nowhere to be seen and we head out to the car. They must have taken another exit out because we see them walking outside the Urban Outfitters and we honk, and she flips them off. Then, on the way home, she keeps asking me to drive back so she can pound on some stupid bitch grills.

I'm just glad she didn't have a couple of pints in her. I don't think I could stop her from getting into a scuffle with someone who disrespects her. Oh, and by the way, Grandma's Boy is hilarious. I recommend the movie, well worth the matinee price. I just hope your showing doesn't get ruined by something like this.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Reminding You What It's For

This video reminded me of just why the internet was invented for. PORN. Thank you former Vice President Gore, for inventing the "internets".

Thursday, January 05, 2006

My New Techno-Lover

Damn this thing can grill a tasty burger. I got this in the mail a couple of days ago and took it for a culinary spin last night. So hot. Literally, took about 9 minutes to grill up 4 burgers. And the fat just drips right out of it. This is an Atkins-dieter's best friend. Now, if I could only drop the carbs from my diet and live off of perfectly grilled George Foreman meat . . . waitamminut, that sounded bad. I would like to reitertate that I am neither gay nor a cannibal. Or a gay cannibal. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, the cannibal part is just reprehensible, but you can still pork butts if you want to. And you can surely cook pork butts on the grill as well.

I do have to say that my wife is a little jealous of the attention I'm lavishing on the George Foreman grill. They way I caress its curves, hold it in my arms with it's flap open so that it looks like I'm burping a baby. I don't know where this jealousy stems from, but she needs to get over it. The grill is here to stay and she needs to accept it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A Sign of the Times

Hurricanes, tsunamis, terrorism, Kevin Federline's website. It seems that 2006 is the year the whole world is set to implode. I don't think we can continue on like this with out some sort of biblical cataclysm claiming the lives of billions of people. The way things are going, it can't be that far off. I mean, the year already started off on a wrong planetary foot when K-Fed's first single "dropped". I have not given PopoZao (yeah, it must be one of those 2007 things we're just not ready to understand yet) a listen, but I'm sure it makes puppies shrivel up like snails that have gotten salt poured on them and gives babies full blown aids upon first auditory contact. It's that bad. I'm sure that if my eardrums catch a single "beat" of that crap . . . they will bleed. I don't much like bleeding from the ears. So no thanks K-Fed, I'll be passing on "checking out yo' phizzat beats".

But please, feel free to pass this around to those you hate. This is way better than that service that would deliver dog turds to you worst enemies. This has a much worse overall psychological impact.

You Can Find Me Here

I always marvel at the places where my blog ends up in searches. This is the semi-regular entry that deals with that incessant marveling that borderlines on OCD. No sources today, just search entries. I'm tired, and working overtime so I need to find a way to kill time.

-revelation chp. 18 --hal lindsay
-rachel mcadams family stone premiere (most of the searches for her include the word "nipple" or the phrase "wardrobe malfunction")
-gay blogs
-star jones
-keira knightly sex
-jaime (What the?? Who's looking for me?)
-nicole richie weight loss pictures
-"sneeze feeling"
-"piss like a russian racehorse" slang
-suv vehicle decline (Yes!! Die Yuppies!)
-britney and kevin chaotic farted

I totally recommend the free Sitemeter account that makes all this possible. Highly guaranteed if you're borderline paranoid or just fascinated by the avenues that people take to get to your corner of the internet.

The Way The Story Goes . . .

The Sal and the Suckafish . . . sitting in a tree . . . K-I-S-S-I-N-G and god knows what else judging from the look of things here. I think we need to get Jenny Jones up in this bitch and title it "When Bloggists Hookup".

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Bigfoot Sighted

Not since the Patterson footage has the evidence of there being a Sasquatch, a missing link, a wild woolly bipedal mammal; been so strong since the most recent pictures of Star Jones out gallivanting at the beach. I'm sorry, did I just say "gallivanting"? Anyway, yes, Star Jones is bigfoot, just look at the two pictures provided in this scientific treatise. It's undeniable proof. She must go through a lot of razors. I just feel bad for the gay guy pictured below. The guy she is straddling in a very alpha-dog-ish kind of way. Yeah, the gay guy being her husband that is. Maybe he and Oprah's Steadman get together on the weekends and hold each other close to dull the pain that is being married to those ogres. That and buttsex while they spend their wives' money. This is a fate that should never befall any man out there. Not even despicable ones like Hitler. I'm pretty sure you can tell how much I hate Star/Oprah when I don't want Hitler to be crushed under their weight. 'Cause you know how I feel about tiny moustaches. Oh, and I hear he killed a buncha jews.

Fuck The Cripples

The above is not my personal philosophy, but it seems that Hollywood starlets are starting to take that up. I don't know why though, cripples are so cuddly. But anyway, on the side of this paragraph you have trollish Kirsten Dunst taking up a handicapped parking spot with her gas-electric hybrid car. It's good to know she's trying to save the environment while she saves cripples from a great parking spot. Nice move Dunst. Maybe she's claiming that her sagging boobs are crippling . . . her career.
Next up is Amanda Bynes, yes, the former Nickelodeon kid star who does WB shows and is starting up her movie career. She at least has the decency not to pretend to care and just parks her expensive ride in the cripple spot. She does try to hide her face, unlike Dunst, who should always try to hide her face. I don't know what these two were thinking. But here they are, caught for everyone to see what a couple of low life shit heads they are. Next time you see one of these two walking around LA, do me a favor. Bust a Nancy Kerrigan on them with a tire iron. Doesn't matter where. I just want these two beat the shit up, then, maybe they could apply for a handicapped sticker at the DMV.

Monday, January 02, 2006

The Itchy & Scratchy Show - Hilton Edition

I'm sure you remember a few months back the pictures of Jessica Alba diggin deep into her ass crack to retrieve a wedgie while she was at the beach. That, in a way, was mildly alluring, yet scary because the way her hand was up her buttcrack, you know there were skidmarks on that bikini bottom (which would have made millions on eBay). I guess Paris Hilton just loves to one-up chicks all the time as she defies public decency by profusely scratching her vagina while in the audience of poor beachgoers . . . who shortly after witnessing this, had to be rounded up by the Centers for Disease Control to be screened by Hilton's own special blend of airborne STDs.

I'm not sure if having millions of dollars and never having to work a day in her life has warped the psyche of this woman way past the point of no return. Sex tapes, getting her cellphone hacked, drunk driving, and now this? It seriously makes a point against being filthy rich (and in this case, filthy is used with literal meaning). Frankly, after watching this, I don't mind having my 9 - 5:30 job which pays not a whole lot. At least my crotch is itch-free.

So thank you Paris Hilton. You have inadvertently reaffirmed my current standard of living. If it weren't for your disease infested and rightly itchy cootchie, I might still be wanting to be rich and not have a care in the world.
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