Friday, December 30, 2005

So . . . Can I get this in Cash?


My blog is worth $15,807.12.
How much is your blog worth?

New Year Looms

As the new year looms closer and closer, I'll take a few moments to reminisce about 2005 before 2006's sword of Damocles smashes into it splintering it into nothing much more than a memory.

So, what did I do this past year. Feels like it went by pretty quick. My gig at Earthlink ended abruptly even as the higher ups told us we were the only profitable department and they would never outsource it. Sheah right! But that led to me learning that I have a super high IQ when I went to a job interview. Sure, I didn't get it, but that's most likely because my intelligence intimidated the people in charge there.

2005 also marked my 2nd year of being married, which is coming along just fine. I'm pretty sure that I am more in love with my wife now than when I met her. She's just a great girl. She's way better than all my other imaginary girlfriends of the past. Just having a corporeal relationship is way better than an imaginary one. The only drawback though, is when you buy a present for an imaginary person, you use imaginary dollars, which ends up being much more economical in the long run.

Other things of note, I started a new gig where I get . . . surprise surprise . . . days off, and benefits, and vacation time? What the fuck? Sure, I have to deal with people on the phone all day long, which is a fate that I would not wish upon my worst enemy (you lucked out Huckleberry Hound), but it pays the bills. And hopefully, all the money that I give out to Uncle Sam I'll see sometime next year. This new job will be kicking back a bonus to me sometime around late January/early Febuary of 2006 which will be used to purchase a couple of high end electronic items. I can't say what yet, since someone might be reading this, and I want to keep it as a surprise.

2005 also gave me the year that a sibling was injured during a war. How exciting. Thank you GW Bush. If it weren't for your little Middle Eastern Grudge match with a powerless camel humping dictator, then my brother would not have an extra hole where most of his foot should be. Thumbs up and I hope the next pretzel you choke on does the job right. :)

Oh, and who could forget the new car I bought when I thought I had a steady job with those jerkoffs at Earthlink. I tell you, nothing's scarier than making a big purchase and then finding out your only viable source of income just went *poof*. Sure, I didn't miss a payment on that thing so it all worked out after all. But for a while there, I was really worried about not just paying for this car . . . but the myriad of other bills that take a large chunk of my not-so disposable income.

I also started this little blog of mine, with dreams of making it big. Sure, in the beginning there were visions of a steady stream of advertising revenue coming in, and I hustled like a madman to get visits in here. Now, not so much. I made a couple of bucks here and there, nothing to write about really. So, I've given up on trying to make money off the internet. From now on, it's honest sit-down-on-my-butt and earn an hourly wage type of deal. The way White Collar Jesus intended.

This year also marks my entry into the X Box Live cult, which has contributed to the burning of my retinas for many an hour and also has contributed to many an eye-roll from the wife when I asked if I could play instead of hang out with her. Yeah, I have to ask. Why? Because she'll beat me up if I don't. I have the bruises to prove it. Halo 2 came out which contributes to the drain of time and also adds a little level of stress since 99% of the people on Live are assholes. Total Assholes. TA's. Even the Sal's brother . . . that backstabbing motherfucker. Just kidding Dankest. Quit betraying though, it sucks ass.

It was also a weird year for movies. There were good ones towards the end, but a whole lot of suckass during the beginning. Not like 2004. I don't think I can come up with 10 movies that I really loved this year. Sure, I could make a list of movies I enjoyed, but in a year that wrought upon us Fantastic Four and two movie about families with way too many children (pro-Mormonism at its best) the rest of the year pretty much gets tainted by those rotten apples.

I have to be missing something, but I'm tired, a bit cranky, and developing a headache from the never-ending ringing in my head. Goodbye 2005 . . . I barely knew ye.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

OT fo' Me

I don't like to overwork myself. Around this time of the day (5:30 pm PST) I'm beat. Ready to go home, crash on the couch, hold my wife while my brain starts the slow cool down and the voices in my head stop telling me to "KILL KILL KILL!". But, the benefit deductions are due to kick in any paycheck now, so I need to scramble to pick up the monetary slack.

So yeah, I asked to work extra here at the office. It's just more phone work. Bearing the brunt of a telephonic onslaught of people that really have no business even looking at a computer. Especially those Optimum Online customers. I swear, it must be a requirement to be extremely dense to be a customer of that ISP. But whatever, I need the time & a half to offset the deductions.

And just what deductions am I compensating for? Well, the first one is my life insurance, which covers me for 100 grand (yeah, I'm worth a lot dead, but not much alive) and also covers my wife for 50 G's if anything fatal were to happen to either one of us . . . (enter religious diety here) forbid. That's actually not as expensive as one would think, just a couple of dollars. We get a killer . . . um . . . poor choice of words . . . deal on insurance.

Then there's the 401K plan, which is set to start taking 4% of my paycheck every two weeks and add it to this overly complex system of money investing mutual funds and blah blah blah. It's all over my head type stuff, but what I do know is my employer will match that 4% with 50% and it makes the IRS think I make less therefore they tax me less. This ofcourse goes to my retirement fund because when I'm old and wrinkly, all the money I put into social security won't be there for me. Fucking government.

Our health insurance won't be costing me extra. I was able finagle a sweet little deal with Universal Care for myself and my wife through the benefits guy here at work that is free. Sure, doctor visits are 10 bucks more and prescriptions are a couple bucks extra, but I save in the long run. I wanted Kaiser though, but the price for that would have been nigh astronomical.

The Dental/Vision plans are the ones that are going to be causing the most monetary problems for me. I personally don't need a vision plan. 20/20 right here, can I get a woot woot for pizzerfect vision? Anyway, my wife wears glasses, so I had to get it. The dental coverage would have been free for me but not for her, and she needs a little work done, so I, once again, had to get it. Sure, it's not a fortune, but all these little things add up and make the incoming direct deposits smaller and smaller.

So here I am, 5:50 pm and still at work, talking to jerkoffs on the phone who don't know their ass from proper usage of their anti-virus program. Money is money though. Someone hand me a bullet to bite on.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Envy the Flood of Presents

So, I think I did pretty well this year as far as presents go. Most of them where from my wife, who did a stupendous job of finding these "geeky" things for me. I'll break it down into three categories.

DVD's

First up is the continuation of the best Star Wars entry yet . . . and no, it's not one that was shot by George Lucas. This is Genddy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars Season 2 show that aired on Cartoon Network. Seriously has the best Star Wars action in any of the prequels or original trilogy entries.

Continuing with the geeky theme this year, she got me the Sin City DVD, which is one of the truest comic-to-film translations 2005 had to offer. Quite possibly the most loyal to the source material ever. It's not the best comic book movie, but having the actual writer/artist co-direct helped make this film uniquely interesting.

The 40 Year Old Virgin was given to me by a co-worker as a Secret Santa present. It was thouroughly enjoyed by the wife and I. That Steve Carrel is a funny mother-muchacho. And I got the unrated version, with more titties for our unrated fun.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Vol 4 - Continuing the wacky antics of the New Jersey not-so detective agency, this currently completes our collection of ATHF DVD's until the next one comes out. Extensive extras, easter eggs, 13 episodes . . . highly recommended for anyone that enjoys laughing.

Comics

Ultimate Fantastic Four - I really dig the Ultimate line of comics from Marvel. Thanks to Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Millar, they really kick-started a fun side universe where we get fresh takes on Marvel standards without the bogdown of early Marvel continuity. I got Vol 1. from my wife, who actually walked down to the comic book store and bought it . . in person. My poor wife. She must have gotten ogled by the 37 year old virgin behind the counter.

The Walking Dead - Vol 4, this woman just loves me. It's real love when she can go to a store and pick out my favorite zombie comic out and get me the latest copy of the trade. Now I just need to get her hooked on this so she can go along with me buying other Robert Kirkman work, like Invincible.

Y The Last Man Vol 6 - This she got for me because I got her hooked on this story and she can't wait for new volumes to come out. I can't blame her, it's a really good comic book, one of the best out there, and I'm glad DC puts out the trades in a timely fashion.

Gaming

Perfect Dark Zero Collectors Edition - Ok, so I don't actually have an X Box 360 . . yet! I keep trying to buy one, but everywhere I go they're sold out. I guess it works for the best since I don't really want to put a 400+ purchase on credit. I'd much rather wait til I get my year end bonus from work and use half of that on a new game system. And thanks to my wife's foresight, I'll have a game to play on my new console . . . whenever it is that I get it.

Miscellaneaous

Belts - My brother got me not one, but two belts . . . both black, and both totally unexplainable. I was not under the impression that I was in dire need of belts, but thanks bro. I hope you enjoy the 7 pack of tighty-whities we got you.

PJ's - A Christmas tradition that my wife has brought with her, the purchasing of pajamas to be opened on Christmas eve. It's a cute tradition, and I totally fooled her into thinking that I had forgotten. I got some flannel pants and a t-shirt, along with some really kick-ass slippers. And yes, if you laugh at my slippers, I will kick your ass with them.

Shirts - This was again from my brother, who got me a polo and a long sleeve t-shirt. Both a size too small, so I guess I need to go on a diet to be able to fit into them. Thanks for the hint . . . you hippity hoppity mofo'er.

Cash - A yes . . . the cashola. One of my aunts and my parents gave me some cash for the holidays, most of which has been spent . . . on groceries. AHH!! I never get what I want around here.

Stocking Stuffers - Some chocolates (dark chocolates . . my favorite) and a CD carrying case.

I think that was it, and if I'm forgetting something, I'm sure my wife will make sure to remind me on here. If she doesn't give me a black eye first. But a black eye is more of a birthday present . . . or All Saints Day. I don't know. I've gotten so many presents I had a hard time compiling this list. Yeah, that's why it took me two days to write this post. Either that, or senility is sinking in.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry X-Men

Brett Ratner . . . you douche-bag. What kind of a Christmas card is this? This is terrible. Might as well cover our favorite mutants in dog shit and toss them into the celluloid. And you have the gall to superimpose your face onto Wolverine's body and then post Hugh Jackman's head on a body that is much too tall to ever be Wolverines?

Full shot of Beast as well on this, which really blows if you ask my opinion. Sure Kelsey Grammer might approximate what he should sound like, but never what he should look like. I'm losing hope steadily every time I see something knew about this upcoming movie. Terrible all around.

oh, and FYI-ish . . . post #350.

Expect Delays

I'm suspending the semi-regular posting schedule here on BAFW for the duration of the holiday season. There might be a few posts here and there if I run into something I must absolutely rant about, but don't expect much. This little blog has performed way better than I originally thought it would, passing 21,000 hits and reaching 350 posts.

To the regular(s), not to worry, I shall return with more things for you to roll your eyes at. In the meantime, I suggest everyone who comes around these here parts check out the links section for other interesting blogging. Happy holidays people, and I hope you don't get a lump of coal under the tree . . . or if you're Jewish . . . 8 straight nights of dradles . . . and for the Kwanzaa people . . . just what the hell do you get? Lion testicle charm bracelets?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Giving in to Shipping

I don't like purchasing things online and then having them shipped to me. I feel like I'm at the mercy of the Postal Service or even worse, UPS/FED EX who won't leave your item at your door unless someone signs for it. This is specially troublesome for me when it's the holidays, when I would prefer to go down to a store, fight the crowd, but at least leave with something in hand.

A particular gift has been hard to find though. It's for my mother, and I need to get her something good since she's been pretty much helping us continuously throughout the year. The woman's a saint. So, I've been pretty much looking for a copy of "Into the West" on DVD. Sure, many might say "Why not jewelry?". Well, for one, I ain't rich (because you bastards don't click on my ads), and secondly, she really liked this when she watched it earlier this year on TV. The only problem with that was that she missed out on the last episode because her loud Mexican neighbors decided to have a big party the night it aired.

This really pissed her off, as I'm sure it would piss anyone off that was really into something and during the culminating episode of this televised experience, something like a loud party ruins the whole thing for you. I know I'd be pretty pissed off. The thing is, nobody has this particular DVD set in stock at their stores. I've been to a Wal-Mart, Target, Circuit City, a couple of Best Buys, and even ordered it from Circuitcity.com a month ago only to be stuck in backorder hell for 3 weeks.

Finally, I decided to check out Best Buy's online store again, that told me it was available for pick up at one of their stores nearby. Wonderful, I cancelled my Circuit City order and put in a pick-up order at the Atwater Best Buy. A couple of hours later, I check my e-mail to get the confirmation e-mail and what do you know, they don't have it available anymore. Shit! Today, I finally gave in to shipping, and chose the 2nd day shipping option which will, hopefully, get the order to me by the 24th. I'm crossing my fingers right now, and thinking positive thoughts to get this present in before that very important date.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Did The Earth Shake Last Night?

I woke up all of the sudden last night/early this morning and my bed was shaking too and fro. No, my wife was not having one of her sex dreams, she was perfectly asleep until afterwards, when she woke up and confusedly told me to go back to sleep. I'm just wondering if there was an earthquake in the Los Angeles area last night. I checked the Yahoo news page but only found references to an earthquake in Africa, which, while being strong, probably did not contribute to my bed shaking around like it was playing in a Moon Bounce.

Now, there might be a more paranormal explanation rather than a geological one. My wife is convinced that our house is haunted. I think some people might have died of old age/disease in it before my father in law acquired it, and these ghosts might still be haunting the house. She's had some strange (non-drug related) occassions where she thinks she heard a voice telling her to wake up and sometimes she felt something move her or heard something in another room.

What if what was shaking my bed last night was an irate ghost? If someone doesn't tell me that there was some sort of seismic activity in southern California last night, I'm going to have to assume that it was. Now, I just need to know where I stashed my Positronic Ionizing Conductor so I can trap this ghost without having to call the actual GhostBusters.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Wife Request

My wife complained a little about The Sal's request to see a retarded midget picture, so I asked "Honey, what do you want to see on the blog". She mentioned something about the Ouch of the Day and I groaned, and then she conceded, with a sigh, to seeing animal sex featured here. Now, anyone can show a picture of animals getting it on, but inter-species animal sex is just a little hard to find. Here, I have provided her with a picture of a sheep getting it doggy-style from a kangaroo . . . which is also a subtle message to her as to what I have planned for our evening *wink wink*.

I just need to remind her that she'll be the sheep and I'm taking kangaroo duties . . . because it could end up being an uncomfortable night if the roles are reversed. Yikes!

Old-Timey Terms & Grievances

Working in a tech support department, I wouldn't expect to run into old timey terms like "rigomarole" but it happens. And I just want to chuckle and laugh at the people that use this repeatedly. What is this? 1939? It's a computer crash, not the stock market crash. I do realize that most of the people that call us are elderly . . . because no one can fuck up a computer like the elderly can. They even call in and profess to not being "tech guru's". I thought you'd have to be Indian to be a guru.

So, whenever one of these people calls in saying that they're not tech savvy and are computer illiterate and have been dealing with the rigomarole that is our telephone system, I just want to strangle a puppy. Now, I don't usually feel like strangling puppies, but you can imagine how annoying it is to have to deal with people who act like idiots when it comes to taking care of their precious 350 dollar Gateways and Dells.

Now, our techs here in this particular tech support department are great. They are extremely knowledgeable and courteous, but I can hear them getting screamed at by these morons on a daily basis. One of them even had to take care of a lady that began crying and cursing our program because she thought it broke her computer. It ended up being her actually messing up her computer even before she added our software in there. And then she called back because she denied herself access to the internet and then wanted to know why the program was acting that way. Genius.

I'm still calling out for tests to be handed out so that Computer User Licenses can be handed out to people who can actually get around the computer without breaking it in a million pieces just by looking at it.

And then there are the people that call in that don't have any idea what we're asking for. Is it that hard to have your user name/client number on you? And what about the people that whisper their account information. What's the deal with that. Or the really slow people who take forever to find their account numbers and then speedtalk their info at us?? Jerkoffs.

I might be treading old water here, but it is Friday, and it's been a long week . . . and I can't wait for 5:30 pm any longer. Puppies beware, if I see one of you's . . . you're toast.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Nipple-Topia - Rachel McAdams

I don't know what it is about December, but it seems that the nipple slip is all the rage this month. Case in point, Rachel McAdams, who just let everyone see what's been hiding under the fabric covering her breasts. This happened during the premiere of that "The Family Stone" movie, and some people might be delighted that this happened. But, upon closer inspection, it seems that something's amiss. Let's take a closer look at the strange anomaly that might just make you put your penis back in your pants.
Umm . . is that hair surrounding her nipples?? What the fuck's up with that?? Is this some sort of Canadian specific gene that makes the women grow hair around their nipples to deal with the chilly winter climates? I think she's got more hair around her nipples than I do, which would make her more of a man than I am. That, my dear reader(s) is not a good sign. I guess some of Rob Schneider must have rubbed off on her during filming of "The Hot Chick". I think the curse that switched their bodies hasn't been fully lifted.

Next time you go out in public wearing one of those wardrobe-malfunction prone dresses, I suggest you shave your chest Rachel. Seriously, you're killing the dreams of hundreds of thousands of fanboys around the world. Shame on you and your Monet-ish nipples. Even Tara Reid and her weird amoeba-shaped areolas are hairless.

Keira Knightly Exposed

This one goes out to all the fans of the celebrity nip-slip. Looks like a modeling shoot Ms. Knightly did, but relax, this is not the only place that you can check out her boobies. Just rent The Jacket to check her out in some bathtub action. Although, if you rent that movie, you run the risk of jacking off to Adrien Brody during their sex scene . . . cause you just can't tell them apart from the neck down. Keira, while being cute and all, is not very much well endowed. People still dig her though. Must the that lythe physique of hers and the fact that she looks better than 99% of the female population of the United Kingdom. Margaret Thatcher beats her out. And so does the Queen Mum. MMM wrinkles.

So, enjoy the little treasures displayed on her chest. Expect those to be enhanced by corsets in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Lady in the Water - One Sheet & Synopsis

This is the poster for the upcoming M. Night Shyamalan (I hope I spelled that right) movie that promises to be twist-free . . . so feel free to shout with joy. See what I did there, twist & shout in the same sentence. But anyway, this is what it's all about:
From writer-director M. Night Shyamalan (The Village, Signs, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense) comes Lady in the Water, a story originally conceived by Shyamalan for his children.

Fate won’t let you hide forever.

Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti) has been quietly trying to disappear among the burned-out lightbulbs and broken appliances of the Cove apartment complex. But on the night that irrevocably changes his life, Cleveland finds someone else hiding in the mundane routine of the modest building – a mysterious young woman named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), who has been living in the passageways beneath the building’s swimming pool. Cleveland discovers that Story is actually a “narf” – a nymph-like character from an epic bedtime story who is being stalked by vicious creatures determined to prevent her from making the treacherous journey from our world back to hers. Story’s unique powers of perception reveal the fates of Cleveland’s fellow tenants, whose destinies are tied directly to her own, and they must work together to decipher a series of codes that will unlock the pathway to her freedom. But the window of opportunity for Story to return home is closing rapidly, and the tenants are putting their own lives at great risk to help her. Cleveland will have to face the demons that have followed him to the Cove – and the other tenants must seize the special powers that Story has brought out in them – if they hope to succeed in their daring and dangerous quest to save her world...and ours.
Interesting, I wonder who Night's pot dealer is supplying him with . . . allegedly

*Lifed from CHUD.

Box Office Gross-out . . . Late

You know, sometimes I forget to do things around here, and my semi-regular weekly report on the box office top ten kind of fell by the wayside this week. But fear not, since I have fished the appropiate info from the cracks in my couch.

1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - The most unwieldy title of the bunch gets the top spot. Mostly because church groups have been pushing the advertising on this. Kind of like the Passion of the Christ, but with griffons. And less torture. But is it good?? Sure, I enjoyed the parts I watched (damn kids and their tiny bladders) and if some kids kept their kicking of the back of my seat to a minimum it would have been better. My wife enjoyed it thoroughly though, and she's read the books. I don't do much of that there readin'.

2. Syriana - This intrigues me, but not enough to catch it in the theaters. I know it's probably really great and it will open up my awareness to just how the oil industry operates . . . but there are no swords and centaurs and children put in really dangerous and life-threatening situations . . . so I might just catch it on DVD.
3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - My adult brother is really interested in this movie. And by really interested in this I mean he's really interested in the blossoming physique of Hermione. Yes, I know, he's a pervert. I'm waiting 'til she turns 18, then I might drool when I see her on screen. Until then, I'll let my pervert brother handle the salivating.

4. Walk the Line - Reese Witherspoon's chin keeps raking in the dough. I'm sure that Joaquin Phoenix's brain eating frogs are helping too, but not as much as the chin. I swear, that thing belongs in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

5. Yours, Mine & Ours - 18 kids huh. This is basically Cheaper by the Dozen & a Half. But, to tell you the truth, 18 kids would make for a pretty fat little tax rebate check. Unfortunately, it doesn't amount to much more than what this movie is taking in at the box office.

6. Aeon Flux - Charlize Theron is seemingly slumming it in this. After those Oscar Bait performances of hers, she does a scifi movie? Hmm . . . methinks someone needed a new phat ride and a paycheck to pay for it.

7. Just Friends - Fat suits are funny. Not funny enough, but having Ryan Reynolds in one should have generated more money. That poor guy, after Van Wilder, he's just been struggling to find something that will make him the star he deserves to be. Maybe his next project will do better.

8. Pride and Prejudice - The reason this is not doing well is . . . well . . . they cast Keira Knightley as the frumpy, unappealing sister. What??! Are they mad? Bollocks to that bloody soddin idea! Whoa, I reverted into limey-speak there for a bit. I think I just need a spot'o tea to calm me down. Cheerio.

9. Chicken Little - Even Zach Braff couldn't save Disney's plunge into the CG animated kids movie . . . as it keeps sinking deeper and deeper and away from any measure of Pixar movie gold. It's a shame that the House of the Mouse let that studio slip away from it. Cars will be their last collaboration, and from the trailers for that, it just looks like something Pixar is doing just for the contractual obligations. I don't hold much hope for the quality of that one, but it will make loads of cash for Disney. One last hurrah before we get to watch truly unhindered Pixar greatness.

10. Rent - This musical about aids, squatting, and a year in the lives of several people is making enough to actually pay rent. My wife wants to drag me to this, but I'm sticking to my guns and not letting myself get dragged to this. Thankfully, the King Kong remake opening this weekend will make her forget about this dog of a movie and will save me from having to watch it. Thank you Peter Jackson. You are my shaggy hero.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I Fought The Law . . .

. . . and for once, I won. Who would have known. Miracles do happen. And just what the hell am I talking about? No, I didn't have a Terminator-like shootout in a police station (yet), just a little trouble with a parking ticket.

This morning I pulled into the paid parking lot to find a place to nap before work. For the heck of it, I thought I'd check out all the rows to see if I could find a dead meter. Sure enough, there was one, and I parked, listened to the radio, and at a quarter to nine I headed out to the office. Around 11 a pal and I went down to the parking lot to smoke (not me, 'cause he only smokes Marlboro Red 100's, and apparently, I don't have enough hairs on my chest to handle those) and I noticed a yellow envelope sitting on my window.

I walk over and what do I see? A parking citation?? What?? On a meter that reads "Dead Out of Order"!! I am a bit flabergasted by this at the time, but I keep my cool, and eventually flag down one of the meter maids riding around in their modified Jeeps (that's what the City of Glendale uses . . .by modified I mean steering on the wrong side).

She drives over to my car and checks out the meter, checks out the ticket, tells me "Ok, I'll take care of this." I think it helped that I am dashingly good looking but the facts were there. I was ticketed wrongly, and she took care of it. I even asked her "Is it ok to leave my car here?" and she replied with a "Yes, you can leave it there".

So, for once, score for me. Screw you Glendale. You lose this round.

Seriously, Quit Trying

Seriously, Scarlett Johansson, quit trying to make me jealous. I know you want me, and my refusal to go a couple of rounds in the sack with you must have been earth-shattering. But getting spicy roles in Woody Allen movies to get back at me is just ridiculous. I don't care what pretty boy you're macking it with, it's not going to change the fact that I love my wife and I'm not going to cheat on her. Sheesh! It's hard being monogamous sometimes.
And does it seem a little odd that Scarlett is starring in a film that involves her being the "other woman". You're a good actress and all with some terrific . . ahem . . talent(s) . . . but isn't this hitting a little close to home? Is this how you're dealing with it Scarlett. Oh well. Go on and kiss your pretty boy actors in the rain while wearing a wet shirt. It's fine, I wish you the best. But seriously, quit dreaming about something that won't happen.

Time to take my psych meds now. Toodles.

The Mark Rogers Request

While not quite the nipple slip, it is a celebrity (currently marginal, but celebrity nonetheless) displaying nippleage through the sheerest of fabrics. I don't know what Jennifer Love Hewitt was thinking when she slipped into this get-up, but bless her heart. Or bossoms. I just hope she was attending the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards or whatever that thing's called. She would transcend celebrity status and would attain saint-hood here at BFAW for such great service to the kids. Because everyone knows that Jennifer Love Hewitt nipple-age is the stuff that pubescent wet dreams are made of.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Supplemental Income

I love making money, and I especially like it when making said money involves as little effort on my part as possible. Sure, I hold a steady job where I have to deal with jackasses and morons on a daily basis and it's entirely mind-draining . . . but a paycheck's a paycheck. Now, this post is not about that. This is about the cash I make on the side, and as much as I would like my little side gig to be the black market sale of human organs (kaching!), it's something that requires much less surgical implements and more of an opinionated demeanor.

I am a part-time market research-ist. This is not the a formal term, this is just something I coined for myself on the way back from tonight's little market research session. The reason I like these gigs is simple. Minimal effort for maximum pay. I've given my opinions on a miriad of subjects from beer taste-testing to videogame testing. I'm not a fan of beer per say, but it did pay upwards of 200 bucks for 8 one-hour sessions.

Recently, though, I had hit a dry spell on the market research front. It had been months since I had participated, but now, all of the sudden, the recruiters are calling. Last week I had a granola bar testing session that lasted less than an hour and paid out 30 bucks. Today's market research session was an actual market research-ist's dream . . . an overbooking. In the market research world, they recruit more people than they need. But, instead of sending you home empty-handed, they pay you anyway. The would-be 2 hour session on cigarettes turned into a 15 minute sit-around waiting to get paid. How much? 75 bucks. God I love this business.

Tomorrow I have 2 lined up. I have to go to a Taco Bell at 6:30 in the morning to taste some tacos for an undertimate amount of money. Can't be less than 30 bucks, which is fantastic since they're paying you to eat. Then, after I go to work, I have to head out to North Hollywood for a couple of hours worth of watching something that's Comedy Central-related. That's another 70 bucks. I just hope they keep calling me.

And I know, the recruiters always ask if the person they're screening hasn't done any market research sessions in the past few months. You're supposed to answer this question with a no and tell them, if they want more info, that it hasn't been less than a year since you last did something like this. Is it ethical to do this? Who cares? Fuck them for not keeping more accurate records. I need to make up all the holiday money I've spent somehow. A brotha has to hustle for the dolla' sometimes.

Where do I find these? Craig's List. It's a great resource on finding all things market research and other gig-related things. I suggest you check it out. If you want to make some money the easy way. Oh, but it's perfectly ok if you want to keep making all your money the chump way . . . by putting effort into it. Pfft! Loser.

The Sal Request

The Sal requested a picture of a retarded midget . . . and not only does he get that, but he also gets a picture of a retarded midget fishing. Holy shit, imagine that combo. Too bad the 'tard's not fishing in a sandbox, 'cause that would be perfect.

For those who put in a request prior to The Sal . . . you have to remember the age old adage "Bro's before Ho's". That and "Patience Daniel-San". That's Pat Morita telling you to sit tight and don't whine about it . . . from the grave!

AFI 2005 Favorites

Looks like the AFI (the institute not the band . . . godamn punks) just released a list of their top picks for filmed entertainment in 2005. It's a pretty interesting list, and the television portion contains no sitcoms. Yay for that . . . the quality of sitcoms has steadily declined into an abyss of crap and putrid vomit that I dare not even throw my most feared enemy (Tickle Me Elmo) into in hopes that they die a stinky death.

Here are their picks for movies -

AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR -- OFFICIAL SELECTIONS

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Everyone loves gay cowboys.
CAPOTE - Everyone loves gay writers.
CRASH - Saw it, a little forced racism-centric plot, but ok.
THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN - Have to see it.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. - Wanted to see it, but I fell asleep during the preview.
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - Damn great movie, saw it. The Viggo "pwns" you.
KING KONG - Must see this coming week.
MUNICH - Fairly interested in this. Spielberg is a great director, and I can't wait to see Bana "Hulk-out" on some Arabs. Oh wait, it's not that kind of movie.
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE - Not the documentary I was hoping for, this could have been the "March of the Penguins" of 2005. Umm . . . scratch that. Instead, it's just a fancy-schmancy artsy-fartsy indie film.
SYRIANA - Everyone one loves oil.

Below are their picks for best television shows of 2005

AFI TV PROGRAMS OF THE YEAR -- OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
24 - Seen some of it, but hopped on the 24-train too late, so I'm just lost most of the time.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA - Best new Sci-Fi show, don't even know why it's on the Sci-fi channel. They usually play crap there, like "Mansquito" . . . yikes!
DEADWOOD - Everyone loves the word "Cocksucker".
GREY'S ANATOMY - The doctors play doctor with each other.
HOUSE - The doctors play asshole with each other . . . not with each other's assholes.
LOST - I'm so hooked by this show I might start turning tricks for it if it asked me nicely.
RESCUE ME - Hilarious, poigniant, moving, raw . . . and it stars Dennis Leary? Lucifer must be ice-skating right now.
SLEEPER CELL - Everyone loves terrorists . . . oh wait.
SOMETIMES IN APRIL - What I do sometimes in April . . . not watch HBO.
VERONICA MARS - Despite the blisteringly hot chick in this show and the rave reviews it gets . . . I don't watch it. Mostly because it's opposite Lost, and I don't TiVo . . . yet.

There you have it. Feel good if most of the shows featured are in your television rotation. Feel like a watcher of the Blue Collar Comedy show if they're not.

BAFW Catering Service

You might have noticed the frequency of posting declining a bit around here. I know, it's partly because I'm a lazy fuck sometimes, and partly because I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to buy Christmas presents for my large family. OK . . . maybe not for all of them, mostly for my wife (14 presents under the tree for her).

So . . . I have a request for the three people that regularly check up on this blog. What do you want to see in here? Naked hot chicks? Naked humped one-legged eye-patch wearing hippie midgets? Tell me what you want me to write about. I'm taking requests. Just drop a little note here in the comments section and you might see a you-inspired post from me.

Won't that make you feel special? I know it will. Like "Special-Ed" ride the short bus to school "special".

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Nightmares Combined

My wife and I have a couple of fears that really don't find themselves populating the same entity at the same time. She's got this thing against midgets. I don't know where it comes from, but she gets the urge to kick them whenever one strays into her line of sight. Thankfully (and legally) I have been able to restrain her long enough for the little person to exit the proximity range of her furious thrashing.

I, on the other hand, have this fear of retards. Sure, they're funny and all . . . but they have the strength of ten men and don't know when they are displaying this super-human strenght. If you're a puppy or a woman with long dark brown hair and you see a guy named Lenny coming at you . . . run!

So imagine my abject horror as I was buying lunch today when I see, strolling into the eating establishment . . . a retarded midget. Holy crap on a stick! Thankfully, I was on my way out and was able to escape the half-strength'd menace. But I called the wife and she said "Holy shit, no way". Yes, I know we're terrible, but you have to understand . . . the fear just grips us, and there's nothing one can do about it. It's like a disease, like alcoholism *snaps beer bottle cap off* you can't fight it. Now, I need to get back to work.

Streisand Drops Times

Barbra Streisand just cancelled her subscription to the Los Angeles Times. This makes news on Yahoo apparently. And just why is this important? Why am i writing about it? Because it's ridiculous. I don't care if she fucking ended her subscription to Martha Stewart Living because she doesn't like the towels that Stewart might be hocking that issue. Seriously, is the news so hard up for content that they will report on some cantankerous, way past her prime former diva that doesn't want to get a newspaper anymore? Oh no, how's she going to keep current on all the adventures of Marmaduke??!

I don't think her dropping the paper will affect its circulation much, unless she purchased a million copies a day. Then they might feel the pinch. She did have some lofty political goal behind her cancellation though. Seems the L.A. Times fired Robert Scheer, a liberal columnist that she was quite fond of.

I am borderline familiar with the guy. I hear him sometimes on NPR and he's very opinionated and speaks well and I agree with a lot of what he has to say. But if he for some reason was no longer asked to appear on NPR, I would not boycott their radio programs. Streisand is just making a big fuss over nothing really. Someone should tell her to get laid to relieve some tension. Maybe she could attend one of those Republican wife swap parties. Just a thought.

Where's The Love?

I'm noticing a disturbing trend in entertainment related couples. They're all breaking up. It all started with Brad Pitt leaving Jennifer Aniston for the much hotter Angelina Jolie. I can lay blame on that one on the rapidly man-face becoming Aniston, but this is not an isolated incident.

Engagements have been broken as well, like Kimberly Stewart and the kid from Laguna Beach ending their week-long engagement. Why?! They seemed perfect for each other. Two leeches getting together to try to milk their almost-famous status.

Then Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey file for divorce. What? Did MTV not only cancel their television show, but their marriage as well? Who's Nick going to be flustered by on a daily basis now? Who is Jessica going ask important questions to like "Why's the sky blue" or "How do my nostrils work?".

Then you have this relatively thin straw that's going to break my metaphorical camel's back . . . Nicole Ritchie is ending her engagement with some jewish DJ guy. I wonder if it was more him not liking to screw around with a beaner that looked like a lighter version of one of those kids in those infomercials about starving kids and how sending them a quarter a week will help clothe and feed them.

Looming on the horizon is the eventual split of Britney Spears and K-Fed. You just know that their relationship will implode and a sea of twinkies and chewing tobacco will cover the affected vicinity of their mansion(s). She already took his Ferrari away from him.

So, where's the love people? Please, I can't go on if another Hollywood couple split. It will be too much for me.

Techno Top Ten Light

When I do this, I usually have a "humorous" write up for each one of these, but I'm lazy today. So you just get the top ten right this minute on technorati. This is what people are looking for. Some stuff on a weird squid, the ever increasing in size Gmail, Lennon's son, the air marshall that shot the bi-polar would-be bomberdier, and answers to Yahoo questions. Just what these questions are is up to you to find out. So go on, find the questions for me. I'll reward you with a plug for your blog.

1. Squidoo
2. “David Brook”
3. Gmail
4. “John Lennon”
5. “Harold Pinter”
6. “Bob Herbert”
7. “Mena Trott”
8. “Air Marshal”
9. “Yahoo Answers”
10. “Ben Metcalfe”

It's That Time Again

No, I'm not having my period . . . I'm a man, I don't get those. But I do have to deal with them once a month. And Oy Vay! to that. It's time to go over search terms that get people here for some odd reason.

Pirate .jpg - From Blog Search. Everyone loves pirates. I don't blame them as to why they would want to see pictures of them. I just hope they weren't looking for naked pirate pictures. I don't have any of those in here . . . yet.

Ciera Bush - From Google. Actually, George W. Bush's third niece on his mother's side of the family. Or the tuft of hair that is currently growing out of control in the midlands area of a certain hip hop songstress.

"bald chick" -hippie - More Google goodness . . . I just haven't seen many bald chicks that are hippies at the same time. More like Neo-Nazis. Someone's getting mixed signals here.

nipple - From Opinmind Beta Search. Yeah, never heard of that search engine myself, but apparently, it's populated by perverts. Nevermind that nipples are displayed here from time to time . . . it's just wrong if you go looking for it. You make me sick.

daniel radcliffe's grandpa - Courtesy of AOL Search. What kind of sickos populate the AOL search pages. Seriously, who would want to see Harry Potter's wrinkled old grandpa telling him a naughty bedtime story. Yeah, I bet that's what they were looking for. Sick bastards.

"war at home" nipple - From Google. I still don't know what that chick's name is, but her nipple is somewhere in here. It's ok to look for it. Everyone should see it. Because it's guaranteed you will never get a chance to check it out on that terrible show on FOX.

bin laden's niece - From Myway Search. The Afghan Angelina Jolie wannabe. I'd actually make out with an Afghan dog rather than her. Those pups are pretty. And no, just make out. No bestiality ok.

can thc seep into semen - From Google. Concerned potheads want to know . . . will pot make their little swimmers lazy. And the answer is . . . No, it'll just give them the munchies. And when they are released, they'll get cramps, and die, and you will never concieve.

"gag factor" hermione - From French Google. I wonder why the French want to gag Hermione. And I wonder just what they want to gag her with. I definately know what the Dutch would gag her with. Donkey dicks. But the French . . . hmm . . .

FOX tv - "ice skating with the stars" - From MSN. The Devil uses MSN to look for stuff to watch. Yay! Now I know. And he likes FOX, which totally makes sense.

my zombie AK-74 - From Google. My prefered way of dealing with Zombies is actually a double barrel shotgun loaded with those doorbuster slugs instead of the .12 gauge buckshot, but . . . and AK-74 will work just fine as well.

joaquin phoenix / frog in hair/ the showbiz show - From Google. Seriously one of the strangest interview snippets I've ever read. Find it here. You'll laugh 'til you feel frogs nibbling on your brain.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Beastly Picture

Proof positive that Brett Ratner is going to shit all over the third installment of the X-Men movie franchise. Apart from having mutant hookers and more mutants than you can shake a sentinel at, this is what they're making Beast look like. He kinda looks like an old pirate dipped in blue paint. Not impressed at all. You can check out the teaser trailer for X3 over at Apple to see this crap in motion. I haven't yet. I'm waiting 'til I go to the theater so I can violently convulse in public. That's just the kind of guy that I am I guess. A showman.

I am writing out my Christmas wish letter to Santa Claus after this post. I'm going to ask him to make this upcoming movie not suck as much as it looks like it will. If it's marginally better than Fantastic Four, then I will breathe a sigh of relief. If it's Dolph Lundgren Punisher bad . . . then I'm burning my comic book collection. Brett Ratner . . . don't kill my last wife-accepted hobby with a crappy movie.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Almighty Pen

You know, sometimes cliche'd sayings like "the pen is mightier than the sword" really ring true for some people. Specially if the pen is loaded with a bullet and you accidentally blow your brains out with it. You see, a "budding" rapper just did this to himself.
ST. PARIS, Ohio - Steven Zorn had put the pen gun to his head and clicked before, apparently thinking it was jammed and would not work. But on the third try, the tiny silver pistol went off as the 22-year-old budding rap artist was drinking to celebrate an impending record deal. He died at a hospital.
If this guy was as talented as the 5 paragraph blip on Yahoo News wants me to believe, he's going to do great post-humous work a la Tupac.

I'm thinking of another cliche'd phrase for this dingbat with the pen-gun . . . Third time's the charm. What a mort(e). I hope someone gets the double entendre in the last sentence.

Singing Sandwhiches Surface

You know, just when I thought there was no reason to live anymore, when things have gotten so bad that I just can't go on without thinking about the sweet release of a well tied noose, those goddamn Brits come up with something that just saves me from the misery that is 9:00 - 5:30. Just what did they come up with you ask? Well, if you're not into reading blog entry titles . . . I'll let you know. But seriously, read the titles moron. It saves me from typing too much. Singing Sandwhiches.

Why did I not think of this idea first. Why did I let those Limey fuckers get the upper hand in the lucrative and untapped business that is musical food items. Truly an oversight on my part. I guess videogames and cartoons are killing my creative drive. Here are some excerpts from the yahoo news article:
Opening the top of the sandwich box will activate a tiny sound module that plays a selection of music. This season's offering will be a medley of Christmas tunes including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
You know, hearing Jingle Bells while eating my lunch at work would really help me keep my Tec-9 securily tucked in my knapsack . . . or as my wife calls it . . . my man-purse.

Right now all they have is holiday themed tunes, which is great since it's the holidays and all, but it won't fly if you hear "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" in the middle of July. But have no fear, Brit company Tesco has a plan for that already.
But further out, flavour/song combinations under consideration include Prawn To Be Wild, Let It Brie and that old Julio Iglesias favourite, Fillings, Tesco said.
Now, if they could get a tuna sandwhich that could play that "pop that coochie" song for me . . . I'd be in tuna heaven.

Technical Difficulties

There's just no accounting for common sense when you're a computer user I guess. Dealing with the hundreds of customers that call in that have difficulties with their anti-virus software is starting to grind on my grip on sanity. Seriously, how hard is it not to fuck up your computers?

For example, if you have a copy of an anti-virus program, why would you load another one on there and not expect there to be some problems? People think they can just load up their computers with crap. Multiple anti-spyware programs, multiple toolbars that block spam, programs that block adware, etc etc etc . . . and then they load an all-inclusive antivirus suite . . . what the hell do you expect is going to happen.

For those not in the know, it's going to make your life a living hell. That's what's going to happen. All these other extraneous programs will start attacking your AV program and removing code from it. So that pretty AV program that's supposed to be the best of the best just got crippled. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if the crippling process didn't take out your whole computer as by-product.

See, this paranoia that perpetuates the internet using populace is out of control. Everyone is thinking that they're going to get a nasty virus even if they turn on the computer. This feeling of constant attack is just created by companies like AOL and their security commercials and the other companies that provide internet service. It's in their best interest to foster this culture of fear of the haXXors. And I know that I wouldn't have a job if these bastard virus writers, but I also wouldn't have this rapidly forming ulcer.

See, the problem is inherently in you, the user. You . . who thought I'd be neat to buy a 300 dollar piece of crap computer 'cause it's cheap and you want to make Bill Gates richer. You who's total knowledge about computing is how to push the start button and wait for AIM to load up so you can ASL to your heart's content. The Sal and I were talking about this at short length last night when he was over. I jokingly suggested that there should be a test. If you pass this test, then you can use a computer. If you don't, then you would have no business using this complicated piece of machinery. The more I think about it, the better that idea sounds. It would be like a Driver's License, but for computers.

I think everyone in the computer tech support industry would breath a sigh of relief if this were to ever go through. It won't, of course, but a phone monkey can dream . . . right?

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Bizzarity of Womanhood

I don't understand women. I'm married to one, I know that much, but goddammit . . . I just don't know what goes through her head at times. Fucked if I will ever know at that. Just to illustrate this, I will recount a recent event in the craziness that is woman. Yesterday, after helping out my parents move into their new home, I thought I'd do something nice for the wife and I picked up a Cappuccino Blast for her (because she loves them) and surprise her with it.

It goes over great, and she's telling me how sweet I am and how much she loves me and etc etc etc and then she says "You remembered when I said yesterday that I wanted one of these and you got it for me". I have no clue as to what the hell she's talking about, and maybe I should have just gone along with it. But fuck, I am too honest and I guess stupid to realize that there's going to be a foot stuck in my mouth soon. I say "Um, honey, I don't remember you saying that, but maybe, subconciously, it was rolling around in my brain. I got it for you because I know you like them".

Her face went from joy to complete sadness. Then she says "You ruined it". What?? I don't know what I just ruined but I try to rationalize with her trying to get me out of the doghouse that I just got thrown in. Eventually, I say "Um, actually, I do remember you saying that you wanted one of these yesterday". She then smiles, and says "Don't ever ruin anything ever again".

Women are fucking nuts I tell you. I won't even get into the chapstick incident that followed, I'll leave that for another day . . . if I'm still alive after my wife reads this. I love my wife, don't get me wrong. I just don't understand her sometimes.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Lost Recapper 11/30/05

I should have written this yesterday, but I got lazy . . . or I forgot . . . or maybe you ingrateful bastards should just be glad I wrote it after all. So quit'cher bitchin' and read up on your favorite brand of televised crack.

If you missed this last episode, then you missed out on the last new episode of the year. No new Lost 'til Jan '06. Start thinking about suicide if this affects you much. But, for the rest of us that love the show but don't depend on it for life, what you missed was a pretty good Kate-centric episode. It was titled "What Kate Did" and you get to see why she went on the run from the law initially. What she did was kill her dad because he was an abusive and lecherous sonofabitch and her mom turned her in. What a family. She also started seeing a black horse on the island, that Sawyer at the end of the episode saw as well . . . alleviating her "am I insane" thoughts. And she made out with Jack, which seemed like an impulsive and not entirely thought out action on her part.

You also missed Shannon's funeral, in which Sayed said some words and then pussied out. It's all very emotional, and I think my wife teared up a little. Also, if you remember the episode titled "Orientation", Mr. Ecko gives Locke a reel of tape he found on the other bunker, Locke splices it back into the one they had, and they learn that they can't use the computer for anything other than punching in the "Lost numbers". We see this just as Michael is fiddling with it and he sees some words on the screen and he starts a conversation. When he identifies himself, the words "DAD?" show up on the screen and the episode ends. Wow, what a cliffhanger those bastards throw at us.

In other Lost-related news, Michelle Rodriguez got pulled over and charged with a DUI, which gets her license revoked. So did the actress that plays Libby. They were not in the same car. What are these people doing in Hawaii? Having wild keggers all the time? Oh, and people are affectionately referring to the Ana Lucia character as "AnaL". Cute huh. I don't know if this is a term of endearment or a jab at her terribly surly acting skills. Oh well. If you missed any of the first episodes like myself, it's a good time to get caught up. ABC will most likely be replaying these in order since we have to wait til mid-January for new episodes.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Ultimate Vacation Spot

Looks like an European probe (not sure if it was a Dutch probe, but if it was, it might have ended up in the ass end of this moon) just broke through the atmosphere of one of Saturn's moons, Titan. It seems that this little place has an interesting weather pattern. I think it's going to be come a vacation hotspot in the near future, provided we get that whole space travel thing down. I'll let the article do the talking from now on.
"It's a very strange fantasy world made of ice, with things like gasoline and tar that make up the rivers and the lake beds," said scientist Jonathan Lunine of the University of Arizona, when asked how he would explain the finding to a child.

"If you try to walk around on it, your feet might get stuck in some places, you'd slide down into methane rivers in other places, and you'd better watch out for the ammonia volcanoes," he said. "And absolutely bring a big heavy coat, because it's really cold — and bring a tank of oxygen because there's no oxygen to breathe, but don't light a match."
Hmm . . . kinda like my bathroom at home. Moving on
."It's a world, an atmosphere, a surface that is very dynamic, and perhaps as it seems there is volcanic activity, the interior of Titan is also no doubt very dynamic," said Jean-Pierre Lebreton, Huygens mission scientist.
Dynamic huh. Sounds like fun. But get this . . .
"Maybe in 4 billion years' time, at the end of the sun's life, maybe Titan will be the new Earth," he said.
Holy crap, in 4 billion years, we're all going to have to move to Titan. Better start packing now.

Dead Man's Chest Trailer

Usually, a dead man's chest doesn't excite me much, but this ain't no ordinary dead man's chest. This has the Pirates of the Carribean name attached to it, so I put aside any necrophiliac tendencies and get all giddy about it. Yahoo movies has the first official release of the trailer . . . and they even offer it in Quicktime. The option for the shitty version on Windows Media Player is available as well . . . if you're a caveman and still use that format. If that's the case, then I wish an errant dinosaur snatches you up and makes you its dinner.

But enough about my qualms with WMV. I'm sure you want to see the actual trailer. Click here. It looks like a fun movie . . . despite the Johnny Depp prescense. It does feature Keira Knightley in corsets which accentuates her tiny live woman chest assets. So that's a positive. Check it out.
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