Monday, October 31, 2005

Fortunate Fortune

A co-worker came into the office today with a little piece of paper from SBC. Seems he had a bit of a dispute with them and SBC owed him 33 bucks. The check he received . . . was not for that amount at all. The actual amount on the check was 7.6 million dollars. I shit you not. The numerical amount is on the check along with the written amount on the line and it's all signed and verified. He does not know what to do with it. Suggestions are flying around the office to cash it, deposit it in a savings account and when SBC asks for the money back, to just give it back and keep the interest. My opinion . . . he gets a lawyer and then try to keep the money. One of those shady lawyers that only gets paid once you win your case.

People are currently crowding him and telling him to deposit it. I hope he does, 'cause I need a new best-friend. It's a win-win situation for him. He gets the cash and to be my new best-friend. People have killed to be just an acquaintance of mine.

Box Office Scares Up Dough

1. Saw II - The top movie of this past weekend is a sequel that had a shooting budget that was 5 times as large as it's predecessor. Granted, that's still only 5 million, so a 30 million opening weekend is not all that bad. It's actually pretty great, so expect Jigsaw to show up for a Saw III next year. I haven't seen either of the installments yet, but my wife was pleading to go rent the first one this past weekend. Why do I bring this up? Because she hates scary movies. I think my wife was replaced by the pod-people.

2. The Legend of Zorro - This family/action/comedy sequel that's about 5 years too late in coming did decent business. Not enough for Catherine Zeta Jones to stop doing T-Mobile commercials, but enough for a couple of house payments. Hey, I know how it is. Rich people have to pay bills too. And their bills are usually larger than our poor plebian bills. I don't have 500 bucks to pay for a brazilian bikini wax myself, so I have to use tweezers. But I also haven't starred in two Zorro movies, so I don't expect myself to have money to get a fancy schmancy nether-region wax job.

3. Prime - The real scary movie that should have captured the top spot in the box office this weekend. Anything with aging women getting it on with young guys is just terrifying. Specially if the mother knows that a 40 something year old is banging her young son. All the trailers/commercials I have seen for this make me want to commit sepuku on myself . . . which is great if you hate me. Buy me a ticket if you want me to die.

4. Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story - It's been reported that Dakota Fanning actually convinced the screenwriters of this movie to change the main kid character from a boy to a girl so she could star in it. I am imagining it went a little like that scene in Pet Sematary when the little boy comes back and cuts the ankle of the guy that played Hermann Munster. Creepy. She probably used those jagged yellow teeth of hers.

5. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - When watching this movie, a little girl in the audience actually screamed out when Wallace was undergoing his transformation to the were-rabbit and it was just . . . oh wait, did I just spoil the movie for the 5 people who have not seen this yet? Oops. Teehee.

6. The Weather Man - It's not great when you have reviewers calling your main actors "Acting Royalty" and your movie still opens at the bottom 5 of the countdown. Even if they actually do a good job in the movie. Nicholas Cage seems to be undergoing some sort of acting renaissance. He's just picking better and better projects. Not that this makes me want to watch this any more. I mean, I might not scoff at it while I pass it at the video store.

7. Doom - This is the kind of movie that made most of it's take on the first weekend and now it's steadily declining. Expect it not to show up next week. Mostly because it has zero story, and it'd make a great rental or DVD purchase. I enjoyed it, but not the consequences of taking my wife to watch it. We had to check out Elizabethtown as a result of that . . . and there's nothing scarier than Kirsten Dunst trying to be cute. Yuck.

8. North Country - This movie won't make a ton of money. But it's bound to get some nominations for Golden Globes or Oscars . . . especially if Charlize Theron bares her Golden Globes. She'll surely get an award from BAFW if that happens. Of course, I'd have to watch the movie first . . . unless Ms Theron wants me to personally review said Globes.

9. The Fog - Still plunging steadly to oblivion is this remake of the John Carpenter classic movie about killer weather. Ok, fine . . killer phantom pirates that call the mist their home. Or something like that. All I know is that the remake has Maggie Grace in panties, and people seem to like that.

10. Flightplan - This movie's ridiculous set up has given it some wings as it finally is getting off the top 10. I just want to know how many souls were offered up to the Devil to get it to keep the top spot for two weeks.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Prussian Blue Gets Gangsta

I thought it would be a little on the funny side to reprint that Prussian Blue post I had from a couple of days ago . . . but this time, I'd use Gizoogle's text translator to give it a new flavor. So without further ado . . .

"so i was curious `bout this whole prussian bizzy business. by now i know its not a new color of crayon, but i was not expect'n ta find what it all really was `bout. seems prussian bizzy is comprised of tizzy sista who have a band that be fizzle becom'n tha vanguard of tha racialist music scene. yes, theyre white, n apparently hatin' `bout how bootylicious tha white race is. i found this shawty "prophecy" on one of they fan sites motha fucka. gizzle it a read in tha mutha fuckin club.
Prophecy of tha Poser n shit.

And there shiznall come forth tha brotha of April, n tha spirit of they race shall rizzle upon tizzy crazy up in here. The gem of wisdom n understand'n shizzall be upon a blossom, tha sapphire of strength n counsel upon anotha, n that of knowledge upon a third. And tha motha of rappa shall wear tha rizzle of baller.

wit righteousness shall they judge tha people, sippin' fairly tha Whites n blunt-rollin' them ta stand again in strength n wisdom . Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. They shall judge not by rumor, but by knowledge keep'n it real yo. Wit justice will they adorn themselves, n wit faithfulness wizzle they conduct themselves. They shall smite tha world wit tha songs of they mouth, n wit tha breath of they lips shizzay they slay tha wicked n tha foul so i can get mah pimp on.
The lynx shall dwizzell wit tha lamb, n tha miznonth wit tha city. tha young ones wizzill arise n lead they thugz out darkness wit tha light of music, n a shawty child S-H-to-tha-izzall lead thizzay fo' sheezy. they shall fizzy tha earth wit tha knowledge of race, as tha motherfucka cova tha sea.

in tizzle day, there wizzay be tha killa of april, n ta tizzy S-H-to-tha-izzall tha white rizzle look . You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. fo` they shizzay stand as an ensign of they people, n they songs shall be glorious and my money on my mind.

and it shizzay come ta pass tizzle in that day tha white race shall again gatha itself frizzom whereva they may be, fizzy america, F-R-to-tha-izzom europe, fizzy tha british isles, from russia, from australia, n fizzle tha islands of tha sea. n they shall set up an ensign fo` tha white nations, n assemble tha dispersed aryans friznom tha corna of tha earth . Wussup to all my niggaz in the house.

Their envy of one against gangsta shizzay depart, n they enemies shall be cut off n tremble. For tha White race again shall conqua, tha spics toward tha West n tha nigga in tha East wit da big Bo$$ Dogg. And tha Jews who survive shall obediently depart from tha lands of tha Aryans.

So, Lynx & Lamb (izzy names of tha sista) is hizzy ta promote white powa n ta disprove thizzat whole holocaust mizzy thats off tha hook yo. Yeah, theyre all `bout that too since they is associated wit sum-m sum-m called The National Vanguard. A bootylicious group of folks who is currently ballin' a contest on who can find "the mizzy macabre n ridicizzles Holocaust claims you can."

Thank you for the inspiration Big D. He recently used the same translator to recount an anecdote of his. Check out his blog here.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Search Word Extravaganza

Just a little information about the words that lead misguided web-surfers to this little blog of mine.

-anne hathaway nude scenes
-janet jackson sunbathing video (several variations and permutations of)
-prussian blue (mostly coming from Technorati)
-kirsten dunst saggy boobs
-Cameron Diaz's feet
-how to i get a job in claymation
-chalize theron on jay leno
-People logged on my computer (can you say paranoid)
-Kevin Federline can't pay child support
-"black eyes peas" earnings
-maggie grace internet screencaps panties
-comic books
-apple martin [gwyneth paltrow]
-ricki martin (why??)
-russel simmons
-anne hathaway's havoc (yeah, like she made the movie . . . pfft!)
-flipper t.v se (I know what you're looking for you sick pervs . . . teen screen caps of a pre-legal Jessica Alba.)
-abc lost
-gravatar
-cat fight

I recommend you check out Sitemeter. Great little tool that'll help you keep track of things like this. And to tell you the truth . . . this was a normal week. Most of the time, there's stuff in there like "Ash Ketchum naked pokemon cartoon pictures". I shit you not.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Cashing in on Techno-Searching

1. Libby - Scooter Libby right? What'd he do now? Not that I know what he did before . . . but I'm just wondering why he's #1 on a Friday night. Shouldn't everyone be looking for ideas on how to intoxicate themselves better? If you want a suggestion about that . . . try gasoline. Don't huff it, just guzzle it. And then light a match and eat it. That shit'll get you high as fuck. Like high-in-the-stratosphere-high.

2. “Janet Jackson” - I've noticed a lot of searches coming in here looking for the Janet Jackson nude sunbathing video. Why? Oh, I get it. Halloween's right around the bend. People are just looking for something to scare the beejeezus out of their friends. What better way to do this than showing them a 35 second clip of Janet Jackson nude sunbathing and slapping her own ass around. Oh yeah, I've seen the video in question, and I'm still not right.

3. Flock - of Seagulls?? Man, those queers had some great haircuts. Too bad the 80's are over an nobody does that to their hair anymore. The hairgel companies would be making a mint. If I were a mad scientist, I would go back in time to 1979 and I would buy up all the hair gel stock I could find and then, during the height of the hair band revolution, I'd sell it all. Now . . . about that time machine.

4. Forbes - I want to make it to the list one of these days. Not because I like money . . . who the fuck am I kidding. I love money. That's why I'm working overtime tomorrow. Yeah, Saturday . . and Sunday. My wife is going to kill me.

5. RSS - ???

6. Rove - For Halloween, dress your kids up as Karl Rove. All you need is a devil costume.

7. Ajax - This has happened before. Ajax is back in the countdown. Why? Who needs to know about this. It's a friggin cleaning product. You wash your dishes with it. Goddamn college slackers. Wash your dishes if you want to know what Ajax is.

8. “Harriet Miers” - Thank God she pulled herself out of the Supreme Court Judge nomination. If she made it, then I probably could make Pope. And you don't want me to be your Pope. Trust me, two words for you . . . Panty Crusades.

9. Iran - This is the next country we're going to invade right. Might as well, it's easy to just lump in with Iraq. They're spelled almost the same. They don't even have to change the merchandising for that war much from the last one. Assuming someone is making money off the Iraq war that is.

10. Apprentice - Martha Stewart firing someone but not burying their bodies afterwards is just wrong. And Donald Trump not hiring someone to finally get him a believable looking toupee is just ridiculous. No wonder I don't watch this show.

Baby Picture

I like this picture. I got it from my sister, which is weird, 'cause she's in Iraq right now. Is this what Marines do on their time off? I thought they'd be too busy polishing their rifles and doing push-ups to have time for some inappropiate baby humor . . . but I guess I was wrong. Actually, I have been getting a lot of spam mail from my sister. Lots of "send this to 10 people or your dick will fall off" type of stuff. That kind of crap is so 1998, but the silver-lining is that I am hearing from my sister, so I know she's ok.

Stephen King Marvels At New Project

I love the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. The story of Roland, the last gunslinger of Mid-World, made for a compelling 7 volume epic (of which I've read 4 . . . have to start reading things that do not involve sequential art). For those of you that are like me and need pictures to go along with great fiction writing, Stephen King has struck a deal with Marvel comics to start producing a series of comics delving into the backstory of the Dark Tower series. Think of it as a prequel, which will most likely deal with the fall of Gilead, the battle between the gunslingers and John Farson's army and the battle of Jericho Hill.

All those events had a passing mention in the series of books and would make for excellent comic book material. You just need the right artist for the job. I guess that's why they picked Jae Lee to tackle the chore of bringing Mid-World to 4-color life. Lee's moody and gritty art style would fit perfectly with the source material as you can see in the above and below pictures. If you want to know more about this, check out this page in the coming months for more art and info. I'll leave you with this second piece of released artwork which is truly breath-taking . . . if you're a raging geek like myself.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Aronofsky Gets Lost

Seems that one of my favorite directors out there, Darren Aronofsky is going to be directing an episode of one of my favorite television shows. The director of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream" will be sitting in the director's chair for an episode of Lost that will air during May sweeps. This is great news, but I have to wait 'til May to see this episode? Argh. Why do you play hard to get with me Lost. That friggin show is such a tease. Here's the excerpt from Entertainment Weekly's blog.
Who knew cult director Darren Aronofsky was a fan of the boob tube? The Requiem for a Dream helmer has just signed on to direct an episode of ABC’s Lost, which will likely air at the beginning of May sweeps. “It was one of those fantastic calls out of the blue,” says Lost exec producer Carlton Cuse. “His agents let us know he liked the show, and we jumped at the opportunity. Apparently, he had been watching Lost while up in Montreal shooting The Fountain and got hooked.” Speaking of which, won’t this interfere with completing Fountain, the director’s six years-in-the-making sci-fi epic starring fiancĂ©e Rachel Weisz and Hugh Jackman? “I think he will be done,” speculates Cuse. “We scheduled it so that [the episode] is coming on the heels of finishing The Fountain. And we will try to put together a story that will be well-suited for Darren’s talents and visual imagination.”
I'm anxiously waiting for a camera to be strapped to Kate's chest so I can see her run through the jungle . . . but just angle that shot a little bit south.

Time Waster for 10/27/05

If you're anxiously awaiting for the upcoming King Kong movie (courtesy of Peter Jackson) and love to jump/duck over Pringles cans, then I have something for you. It's called King Kong Jump and it's allegedly addicting. I did not play it for much since I have to get ready for work and all . . . but you slack-ass bums might find it amusing between mid-morning and early afternoon naps.

Prussian Blue

So I was curious about this whole Prussian Blue business. By now I know it's not a new color of crayon, but I was not expecting to find what it all really was about. Seems Prussian Blue is comprised of twin sisters who have a band that is fast becoming the vanguard of the racialist music scene. Yes, they're white, and apparently singing about how great the white race is. I found this little "prophecy" on one of their fan sites. Give it a read.
Prophecy of the Flowers.

And there shall come forth the flowers of April, and the spirit of their race shall rest upon them. The gem of wisdom and understanding shall be upon a blossom, the sapphire of strength and counsel upon another, and that of knowledge upon a third. And the mother of flowers shall wear the ruby of power.

With righteousness shall they judge the people, reproving fairly the Whites and calling them to stand again in strength and wisdom. They shall judge not by rumor, but by knowledge. With justice will they adorn themselves, and with faithfulness will they conduct themselves. They shall smite the world with the songs of their mouth, and with the breath of their lips shall they slay the wicked and the foul.

The Lynx shall dwell with the Lamb, and the month with the city. The young ones will arise and lead their people out of darkness with the light of music, and a little child shall lead them. They shall fill the Earth with the knowledge of race, as the waters cover the sea.

In that day, there will be the flowers of April, and to them shall the White race look. For they shall stand as an ensign of their people, and their songs shall be glorious.

And it shall come to pass that in that day the White race shall again gather itself from wherever they may be, from America, from Europe, from the British Isles, from Russia, from Australia, and from the islands of the sea. And they shall set up an ensign for the White nations, and assemble the dispersed Aryans from the corners of the Earth.

Their envy of one against another shall depart, and their enemies shall be cut off and tremble. For the White race again shall conquer, the spics toward the West and the niggers in the East. And the Jews who survive shall obediently depart from the lands of the Aryans.

So, Lynx & Lamb (the names of the sisters) are here to promote white power and to disprove that whole holocaust myth. Yeah, they're all about that too since they are associated with something called The National Vanguard. A great group of folks who are currently running a contest on who can find "the most macabre and ridiculous Holocaust claims you can."

And in case you were wondering just what the new face of evil looks like, here's a picture of the two.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Techno-Ten

1. “Rosa Parks” - Why is it that awareness about someone peeks right after they separate from the mortal coil. Last week, I'm guessing no one was giving Rosa Parks a second thought, and today, just a couple of days after she passed, she's the #1 search on Technorati. Heck, even Apple is using her picture in their "Think Different" campaign. Her contribution to the civil rights movement is appreciated, but I just wish that we didn't remember the people that did good only after they die.

2. “Prussian Blue” - Is this a new crayon color? I don't know what this pertains to, but if it's anything like "baby blue" or "sky blue", the my younger brother would love it. He's kinda gay like that, but don't tell him that. He's a trained Marine, and I'm sure he'd kick your ass.

3. “Web 2.0” - Is this that super-fast internet connection that the government and colleges use? I want in on that action. I hear it makes a cable connection feel like 14.4kb modem connectivity. Seriously fast. Just imagine all the porn I could download. But in retrospect, I would need to purchase a bigger hard drive to house the vast volumes of porno mpg's I would amass. Maybe I'm not ready for something like this just yet.

4. “Front Row” - The only time a front row is great is for a concert. But I don't generally like sitting in front rows. You just don't catch everything. Sure, the sweat of your favorite performer might drizzle on to you, but that's just "ew" to me. I'll take the 5th row in a concert . . . or the mid-section in the movie theaters.

5. 2000 - If it's not 1999, then this is irrelevant.

6. Fitzgerald - Ella? F. Scott? Which one are they looking for?

7. Ipod - I love iPods. Seriously do. I don't use mine as much as I should because it was hijacked by my wife. But if I had 300+ bucks just lying around, I would go to the Apple store (2 within 5 miles of my home) and get a new one. The prospect of having video and a color screen is just too cool to pass up. That is . . . if I had 300+ bucks. Hey, you know how I can make some quick cash . . start clicking on my ads.

8. “Living Hand To Mouth” - Apparently this pertains to a book about Chinese eating habits or economics. I don't care. But I do have a suggestion on changing the title to "Living Chopstick to Mouth". I think that makes more sense.

9. Gravatar - From the 2 seconds I dedicated to researching this specific term I was able to determine that it's some sort of plug-in. I've never heard about it, but you might need it. Sadly, you've come to wrong place if you're looking for this.

10. “Heart Of Darkness” - I never read the book, but I saw the movie. That's the one where they hunt a Lion right? Eh, who knows. By this time in the post, I'm cutting into my regular work schedule (as opposed to posting while doing Over-Time) and I need to end this quick. Just one piece of advice, if you're staring down the mouth of a man-eating lion . . . kiss your ass goodbye. I'm sure that by the time you're in it's stomach, your lips will be close to your glutes, so this will be a fairly easy post-mortem task.

Paltrow Peep-Show

I can't stop thinking that having a set of tits that small is tantamount to child abuse. What's baby Apple suckling through her first months of life? Did Chris Martin hire some African women to nurse his child? He's into all that African relief fund business . . . because it's not enough to be a rock star. Now you have to be a rock star who cares about the world. Pfft!

But hey, a nipple is a nipple, and some people really find Gwyneth Paltrow to be attractive. Me? Not so much. Sure she's no Kirsten Dunst. I don't shudder at the sight of her. But something just kinda puts me off about her. She just looks like she would be holed up in Vichy France after the Germans ran a parade down her Arc de Triumph . . . if you catch my drift (and you probably don't if you don't watch a lot of History Channel), and by parade I mean train, and by train I don't mean choo-choo. Either that, or she just would make a great assistant to the secretary of Adolf Hitler. For when Adolf would want a little extra . . . but not too much, since there's not a whole lotta Gwyneth to begin with.

But hey, I'm sure she's a great person, beloved my millions. I'm just telling you why I don't dig her too much. And even though those child-abusing titties are not great and all, I do appreciate the fact that the dress is see-through and that it's not Tara Reid under there. Yikes, that would be an excuse to stab my eyes out with chopsticks.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

One Good Reason

As a response to Crazy Dan, who posted this in my comment section:
Whats wrong with Dunst.. she isn't that bad I think your just jealous cause your a horny fan boy and she wont give ya any.

The Superficial posted today a story about how Kirsten Dunst does not want to fix her jacked up teeth because she thinks they make her special and sexy. Sure, if you like making out with chicks who have a mouthful of jagged-edged teeth, then I can understand how anyone could find this sexy. And if they do, they're better off making out with a Great White Shark. They're way more special than Dunst, and they like to cuddle afterwards. Try it out Dan, go swim in the Gulf, hook up with Jaws, and you can pretend you're getting your mack on with Dunst's older, but better looking sister.

Never One To Shy Away . . .

. . . . from pimping something, I just added a new banner to this blog. It's the "My Survey" site, which is great. I love these guys. You sign up, easy as pie, and then you start taking surveys for actual money. They're sending me a $30 check which will arrive next week. Now, it's not an extremely lucrative endevour. Don't quit your day job just because you join up (and hopefully get me some referral credit while you're at it), but every so often, you'll accumulate enough points to reach the 10 dollar minimum. They'll send you a check in the mail, or you can use the points to play the raffles. I don't, since every penny counts around here. The BAFW offices are barren . . . so barren in fact that there are no actual offices.

So, click on that banner. Do it punk. You afraid of making money? Huh?

Box-Office Run-Down

So what if I'm a day late on this. What are you going to do, sue me?? She has a mohawk and is riding a wheelchair, so I don't see how your case would hold up in court (ATHF inside joke).

1. Doom - Because America loves a big, dumb, loud, and ultimately satisfying movie experience, here we have Doom taking the top spot. The Sal and I went to see this last weekend (with our respective female better halves) and we had a pretty good time. The ladies, not so much, but whatever. I totally went to see that Corpse Bride movie and was bored to tears but I did not complain once. So I figure my wife owes me. Now she's demanding I go watch that Elizabethtown movie with her.

2. Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story - What? Really? In real life, there's awful-toothed creepy little girls that nurse horses back from a broken leg to win some sort of award? How inspirational. If I were a little girl. Pfft. I guess Dakota Fanning had to do something since she's no longer perched on Tom Cruises' shoulders anymore. And Kurt Russel seemingly has to pay back Disney for launching his acting career in the 70's. How else would you explain Snake Plisskin retiring as a horse trainer.

3. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - Loved this movie, and I have gushed so much about it that I don't know if I feel comfortable around it anymore. It's like there's a weird and awkward period between me and the movie. Hey, WGTCOTWR . . . call me.

4. The Fog - Is is mid-day already so the fog can burn away. Sheesh. It's dropped down a considerable amount since last week, when it unexplainably was America's top movie. I guess a glimpse of Maggie Grace walking around her house in her panties and a sheer tank top was enough to get people into the theaters last week. This week not so much, since by now everyone has realized that she can't act her way out of an unemployment line . . . which is where she's headed for after getting offed on Lost in 2 weeks.

5. North Country - You know, I wouldn't hold it against those miners for sexually harrassing Charlize Theron. Sure, sexual harrassment is wrong . . . but come on. That's Charlize Theron. You'd be stupid not try to cop a feel, or take a peek into the women's locker room . . . or masturbate to that scene in "2 Days in the Valley". Erm . . . moving on.

6. Elizabethtown - I used to like Cameron Crowe movies, but that was before he enlisted the sleepy acting skills of Kirsten Dusnt. Now I'm just indifferent towards the whole thing. And Orlando Bloom? Apart from stoic elves, his acting range is fairly limited. Not that I would be a better replacement for him. And not that I would since I'm assuming the role requires making out with Kirsten Dunst. I fear those vampire chompers of hers would shred my lips like a lawnmower. Plus, I don't like making out with chicks that I can feel their breasts on my knees . . . when standing up.

7. Flightplan - I predict this will be out of the top ten by next week. It has to. This thing's been on here longer than a trans-pacific flight from Los Angeles to Bangkok. That's all I have about this. Just wanted to work in Bangkok into a post. Just 'cause it's a funny name. Bangkok.

8. In Her Shoes - If I am able to fit in her shoes . . . then goddayum she's got some big feet. And you know what they say about girls with big feet. Their movies don't do well in the box office. Oh, and they have huge cocks too. Yes, Cameron Diaz and Toni Collete have huge penises.

9. A History of Violence - I'm kicking myself in the ass for not getting a chance to see this yet. I have to catch it at the discount theater in the next week or so.

10. Two for the Money - This is still hanging around? Why? Oh well, it's about to get euthanized right out of the countdown, just like Al Pacino's career if he keeps making crap like this. And shouldn't Mathew McConeghey (I think that's how you spell that name) be busy with "The Wedding Planner 2: Naked Bongo Honey-Moon"? Guess what he can use as bongo drums is Jennifer Lopez agrees to do the sequel.

And that's it. Toodles.

Who's Yo' Daddy

If this picture does not creep you out a little . . . then you are unfit for parenting. Just look at that ex-preacher's eyes. They're just transfixed on his daughter's rack. And when that rack is attached to Ashlee Simpson . . . then you have to start wondering "was Ashlee Simpson born male?" I mean, why else would a man-of-God be interested in his/her body. Everyone knows that priests and preachers love to put it to young boys right? Oh, that's just the Catholic ones? I see, so it's just incest that Joe Simpson is contemplating? I guess that's kosher. But he should have picked the good looking sister. Sure, Jessica wails like a cat who's giving birth, but at least her face doesn't look like a turkish whore who just learned how to use makeup.

Cas-Toe-Way

It looks like this might be fast becoming a Lost fansite, but I thought this might be post-worthy. Here you have Evangeline Lilly in a bikini (a sentence that should be used more often) displaying a tiny bit of the camel toe. Yeah, it's not much, but since she has never done porn . . . that I know off . . . it's the only thing the American populace can ogle at for now. That is, unless someone points me in the right direction so that I can start ogling at another picture of her.

In related Evangeline Lilly news, it seems her boyfriend, Dominic Monaghan is shopping around for an engagement ring. Yeah, she's dating a hobbit/failed rock star with big ears. Good for her I say. It disproves the myth that hot Hollywood chicks don't go for short, catcher's-mitt-faced guys. But it's good to know that she's not like Julia Roberts, or she might be banging Paco the craft services guy. That baboon's ass-faced Roberts . . . she likes to bang the help.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Lost Numbers

4 8 15 16 23 42

Has anyone tried to play the Lost numbers for the Lotto yet? These numbers are are all over that show. Flight 815. 40-something survivors from the mid-section of the plane that I'm sure have been whittled down to 42 by now (or by the next episode when some dead guy's sister gets to meet him in "killed off" land . . yeah, subtle). If you watched the last couple of episodes where Jin, Mike, and Sawyer find the survivors from the tail section, they say that there were 23 survivors . . . most dead by the time they ran into the three from the mid-section after they washed up on shore. 4 people set out on the raft that was blown up by "the others". And now that Locke, Hurley, Sayeed, Kate and Jack are making regular visits to the Dharma bunker they found Desmond (who had been on the island for three years prior after running aground during his world circumventing race) they have to punch that exact code every 108 minutes . . . or else the world goes kablooey. Or so Desmond said before he ran off into the jungle. The numbers coincidentally add up to 108.

I don't consider myself a "Lostie", but I'm hooked on this show. I just hope they start providing some answers to all the questions that arise every episode. I need some pay-off JJ Abrahms/Damon Lindeloff.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

SPOILER-LOST-SPOILER

It's clearly marked. If you watch Lost on ABC, I found a little tidbit of info that show you might find to be somewhat interesting about who bites the island bullet on the upcoming November 9th episode. Remember, the information below will be clear as day and you have been warned.
Shannon - the fabulous blonde who gladly puts the bone to Iraqis, woman-beaters and her own brother - dies, apparently in the Nov. 9 episode, which is the first “Lost” installment of sweeps.
I got this info from AICN, one of my favorite geek sites out there.

Savings Over Headaches

Sometimes saving money just leads to headaches. And the biggest market you can see this is in the PC industry. The reason Apple only has a small fraction of the market share (though a highly profitable share) is that people claim that they're so expensive. Sure, those sweet ass Apple computers are 2 to 3 times more than what you'd pay for a Dell or a Gateway. You can buy towers from those manufacturers for 400 bucks easy compared to a $1500 Apple computer.

So thats why most people buy them. But they are also buying this gigantic anti-virus headache. Running a windows OS is like painting a big target on your ass and holding a "come and get it haxxors" sign planted in your rectum. So now you have to go out and get yourself a fairly expensive anti-virus program. And if you're extremely paranoid, several anti-spyware/adware/pop-up utilities to run at the same time that you're running your anti-virus program. That whole "more is better" way of thinking gets our customers in trouble, since all these programs will start trying to remove each other.

This is the majority of the calls that we deal with here. I know we would be out of a job if everyone suddenly switched from those crappy, cheap, PC computers to Apple systems. So I'm just ranting about it. If you people want to keep this constant state of paranoia going . . . keep using your Dells and Gateways that you got at the flea market. Knock yourself out. Seriously. Grab that computer and beat your head in with it. That would be much more painless than having to call one of the anti-virus companies trying to get tech support from them.

Not that we're terrible at helping people. It's just the volume of calls that we get here is just too much to handle. We're not big like Norton/McAfee (but we did beat them out in the last test PC World ran on the virus programs), so of course there's going to be a long wait for tech support. And when they get to me, the glorified filtering process, they get pissed because we can't offer free telephone support for single license users.

But oh well, work is work and paying the bills is a good thing. It just never ceases to amaze me how people put themselves in this situation. People are just gluttons for punishment.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Nicole Ritchie Diet Strikes Again

I tell you, hot chicks in Hollywood keep slimming down to Auschwitz-like proportions. The latest casualty of the Nicole Ritchie Diet seems to be Kate Bosworth by the look of these pictures found on The Superficial. What happened to her. She used to be pretty hot when she was doing movies a few years ago. This is the new Lois Lane in Bryan Singer's Superman movie? It looks like Superman would split her in half if he so much as breathed in her direction.

In the pictures you can also see Orlando Bloom (semi)man-handling her. I say semi because he's barely a man. And by barely a man I mean just got out of his transsexual post op operation in time to mack with trolls in derivative "going back to your quirky hometown" movies. Groping Kate Bosworth would be like taking advantage of a 12 year old boy. Maybe he's doing research to play a Catholic priest in an upcoming movie.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Charlize Couch Dump . . . Jump

It's kind of sad when Charlize Theron starts to make fun of you. Here she is, on the Ellen (what? She's got a show too?? Am I not lesbian enough to care?) show, where she jumped up on the couch in an attempt to poke fun at Hollywood's favorite scientologist midget, Tom Cruise.

Either that, or she's using one of Ellen's couches as a commode, which would be actually funnier than her making some sort of topical joke at the expense of Maverick. Damn you FCC for banning public defecation on television! I'm sure you'll start fining people for accidentally letting a nipple slip too huh? What? They do that already?? Oh my God. When did we start living in Nazi Germany?

Life's a Bitch and I'm Her Pimp - Review

MC Chris is the nerd-hop king. Currently though, I think his earlier tracks were more nerd-punk . . but as one of the skits on this free CD download tells you . . . pop-punk is dead. Dead I tell you. Hip Hop is the new shit. So I highly recommend you download this little 8 track album. This has replaced Teddy's Cheer Club's demo as being on permanent rotation on my car's stereo . . . that is . . . until my wife beats me upside the head and puts on some Black Sabbath.

The tracks contained within are about 3 or so minutes long each, and wether MC Chris is rapping about robotussin trips, dq blizzards, or being Bobba Fett, you will be bobbing your head and trying to keep up with his lightning speed raps. If you think you recognize his voice from somewhere, then you must watch Adult Swim. He's been on a couple of their shows. He was MC Pee Pants in Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The guys in Sea Lab went on tour and became his roadies (Debbie carried his love child) and his "Why You Be So Fluffy" track was featured on an episode of the Brak Show during the credits.

I don't know if there is any post-production manipulation to get his voice down to what it sounds like on these tracks. I hope not. That would just kill the mystique. He's got himself a concert tour that's coming around Los Angeles at the end of this month. His tour dates are listed on his website and you can get the tracks for this particular CD from his "RAPS" section.

Let the nerds rejoice. Nerd-hop has been born. MC Chris be it's daddy . . . ya heard?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Box Office Results

1. The Fog - Why this movie made it to #1 this weekend is beyond me. While I had a passing interest in what this remake would be like, I instead opted to watch the indie comedy about restaurants that is not listed in this week's list. How sad, it was ok. Just ok. Which is sort of like the food that you would find at a themed restaurant. Ok . . . just ok. Now, The Fog, looks like translucent shit. From what I read at AICN & CHUD, it's an aberration printed on celluloid and if you went to see it this past weekend you deserve leper pirate ghosts chasing you through a dark, and foggy night. Actually, I'd pay 8 bucks to see that kind of action.

2. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - This movie deserves to be #1 right now. It's just such a clever and entertaining little claymation film from the minds over at Aardman Animation. Actually, they need the money right now, since a tragic fire ripped through the warehouse that stored years and years of claymation history. Everything pertaining to the old WG short films and the other projects they shot is gone. So, throw them a bone or two, take your kids, nephews/nieces, hell . . . go to an orphanage and take some of those kids out to a movie. I'm sure that'll qualify as community service, and I hear your court sentence demands you do some of that or it's the slammer for you.

3. Elizabethtown - I don't care if this movie is good. It just feels too much like Garden State. And instead of a slightly deranged Natalie Portman, you get a lazy-lidded Kirsten Dunst and her floppy not-so-fun bags. Blah. I am just waiting for my wife to totally forget this is out in the theaters. Whenever the commercial comes on, I make sure to flip the channel real quick-like so she misses it. I'm a bastard, I know . . . but I am just not interested in this.

4. Flightplan - Seems Jodie Foster's movie still has some wings, securing the fourth spot on the countdown. Oh well, looks like it's making it's descent into the tarmac, where it will park itself with a way more than it deserves box office take, and most likely get itself a sequel . . . Flightplan 2: The ReBookening where Jodie Foster's flight plans . . . are mysteriously booked incorrectly and she's sent to an inconveniently remote location . . . which she can't come back from. If only that were true :( .

5. In Her Shoes - Nobody likes a movie about shoes. Not even when they have Cameron Diaz's feet in them. And I'm sure there are dudes (and women) that would love to fondle those feet . . . if only to not have to stare at her awful acne. Chick flicks make me sick btw, and I hear they're against my religion. So I won't be watching this, because there are enough reasons why I'll be burning in hell already. I don't want to just keep piling things on.

6. Domino - Is her name Domino Harvey? Is she a bounty hunter? I don't know, I couldn't tell from the previews. They made that kind of sketchy huh? How many times did they have to repeat that in those trailers? I think they did it so much that everyone just forgot this came out. Not that it matters much, the review's I've read are pretty much split down the middle on wether this is good or bad. Maybe a rental, I don't know. I have better things to do with my 8 bucks. Like putting out a hit against that cat that keeps jumping on my brand new car. I can get someone to kill a cat for 8 bucks right? Domino Harvey? You up for the job?

7. Two for the Money - What's the one for? Does anyone care? Not much, since the only money this thing's scaring up is about 3 million or so in it's second week of release. But then again, it opened pretty poorly, so the drop off isn't so large. I call out three for the rental, 4 for the HBO, and 5 for the FX special world premiere for this movie.

8. A History of Violence - Viggo is still making money with the Cronenberg movie. It's been hanging around the bottom rung of the top ten for some time now, but it's ok. Kind of like March of the Penguins did last month, this straight-forward movie from Cronenberg has made it's budget back. Maybe if there were weird robotic vaginas and bleeding televisions it could have made a few more million . . . but then it would have been too-Cronenberg. I hope he starts making regular movies after this one was so well received by the critics.

9. Tim Burton's Corpse Bride - All I remember about watching this was how expensive those damn movie pretzels are. 4 bucks my ass? And why was it so cold in the theater. You'd think they were trying to keep some corpses chilled in the theater.

10. The Gospel - I'm going to keep quiet on this one this week. There are two groups that I could piss off immensly . . black people, and GOD, and I'm sure that my un-worked-out ass would most likely get his ass kicked if he said anything mean-spirited about this movie. Ooh . . and what if GOD were black . . . then I'd be double screwed . . by a black deity, which would be about as comfortable as doing a girl in the back of a volkswaggen (wink wink mallrats fans).

Technical Support

Being in the tech support department, we hear a lot of retarded shit. The number 1 thing we hear is clients claiming that they're computer illiterate. No duh. Really? I wonder why you were calling. Someone here in the department sent this out during the weekend, and it's got some of our clients pegged.

Subject: : Tech. Support Questions
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support : What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard c ome with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: p;I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Feder-leezy Spends it Easy

Kevin Federline, slack-jacked hillbilly country yokel wannabe black guy is spending so much of Britney Spear's money, that the just recently ex-whale will have to go hit the streets in search for more cash to support her monetary leech of a husband. I think this is great as it reverses the traditional roles men and women have in the household. Last I checked, the women were the money-grubbing leeches while the men spent the day hard at work. Ha ha (crickets).

And while my wife tries to run me down with the butcher knife for some selective surgery, feel free to read up about it here, and just laugh really hard as to what he plans on doing with Spear's money. This man I tell you . . . he's living the American dream. Finding a woman with a ton of money who's so stupid that she is unaware she's marrying a grifter. Kudos to you Federline. You have to pay your child support somehow right?

DVD Addiction . . I Mean Addition

I purchase a lot of DVD's. I'm not a pussie and go to the Blockbuster when I want to get a DVD. I don't rent, I buy. This sometimes leads me to acquiring movies of questionable merit (Hookers in a Haunted House & Gladiator Eroticus), but that doesn't happen often. And when it does, it just makes for great conversation as I try to get people to watch these low grade straight to DVD movies.

So I thought I should start catalouging my DVD purchases so I have some sort of record of my collection. The two most recent buys, courtesy of Columbia House having a $9 sale on select movies, are True Romance and The Chronicles of Riddick.

This is not a new movie. It's a Tony Scott film before he started filtering his movies through a dirty fish tank lens. Christian Slater stars when he was a somebody in Hollywood and he does a pretty great job. Patricia Arquette is also good in this, playing a whore that Slater's character marries. They go off on a great adventure filled with bullets, cocaine (no Lohans or Ritchies though), phone booth sex, and dead bodies. This was written by Quentin Tarantino, so the script can sometimes sound a little hokey (something is rotten in Denmark is used copiously), but it ends up being a thouroughly satisfying movie. Even has a happy ending. If you're looking for a "romance" movie to watch with your female significant other, then this should work just fine.

The Chronicles of Riddick . . . a much maligned and misunderstood movie. It tried to be epic when it should have been a smaller picture. Like "Pitch Black". That was a great little sci-fi flick. I really enjoy David Twohy's pictures. Just watch "Below" for a tense submarine movie. Sadly, the audiences did not flock to this (much like they didn't for Serenity) and this movie kinda tanked at the theaters. I bought it because it was only 9 bucks, but I probably would have bought it when it was originally released on DVD. I liked the universe that Riddick lives in. It can be a little melodramatic, but it was interesting.

I haven't had time to re-watch this yet, but I will be within the next few days. Just as long as I don't take a walk to Circuit City later today . . . they have "High Tension" on sale for $14.99. My bank account cries whenever I fish my ATM card out of my wallet.

Mis-Adventures in Healthcare

My new job's health benefits don't kick in for another couple of months. I wish I could have them right away, especially since my wife and I spent the better part of yesterday going in and out of clinics and pharmacies trying to get some prescription medication for something that's been bothering her for a long time. So I got the day off from work, we woke up early and headed to the Valley Health Clinic in Glendale.

After standing in line for about half an hour, my wife got her appointment. Too bad it was for 1:40 pm that day. We had gotten there at 8 am to get this thing taken care of early. I guess the clinic had other plans. Although, this let us do a couple of things in the meantime, like heading out to the Social Security office (where we were first in line) to get me a replacement card. We also went to Mervyn's for an exchange, and headed out to have brunch at this great (but a bit on the pricey side) little place in Eagle Rock called Pat & Lorraine's. At this point, it's around 11:30 am and we still have two hours to kill. We head home and pop-in "True Romance" into the DVD player. Great movie, just arrived from Columbia House, highly recommend it.

By now you must be wondering, is this post at all about healthcare? Sure it is. But you're waiting just like we were. Empathize a little will ya. 1:30 rolls around and we head out back to Glendale for the appointment. We sit around for about 30 minutes, and then the doctor sees Heather. Now, she had been to this same clinic at the end of August and gotten a prescription from them that did not work. This is why we were back. She sees the same doctor. The doctor looks her over a bit, examines for scant seconds, and fills out a prescription. Fine, great. It's a different medication, so I'm pretty hopefull that this'll work.

The only thing is we have to drive to Van Nuys to get the damn thing. That's a 40 mile round trip, and with gas prices these days, it's not a trip I want to make. 40 miles is my total weekly commute to and from work. But it's a necessity. We have to take care of the situation, so Heather and I hop into the car and head out there. We arrive, and she waits in line for a few minutes while I take a seat. She comes over to me shortly after with a look of despair. They don't make the prescription that the doctor gave her anymore. I am a bit ticked off about this. So we head back to the clinic in Glendale.

Heather doesn't want to go in, but I do. There's no way I'm paying 50 bucks for this doctor visit and not getting anything out of it. I ask to speak with the manager and supervisor, which come out to meet me in a few minutes. They are very understanding about the situation and have the same incompetent doctor see Heather again. She does, and she apologizes for sending us to Van Nuys for nothing. Unfortunately, the only thing she can prescribe is the same thing she gave her the last time, but this time, in conjunction with a steroid cream . . . it should work. I'm rolling my eyes through the whole thing and biting my tongue. First of all, this damn doctor can barely speak English, and I'm questioning the validity of her credentials. But it's close to 4:30 pm by now, and both Heather and I are tired. We take the prescription and leave.

But not home, we have to go back to Van Nuys and do another 40 mile round trip. So we get there around 5 pm and hand the paper to the people there. They say we have to wait 2 hours. This we cannot do, since Heather and I had a meeting to attend that evening, and waiting 2 hours, and then having to head back home to get ready for this meeting would be chronologically impossible. They say we can come back tomorrow (today) to pick up the medication, but they close at 6:30 pm. Not good. Today I can't take off from work again. I would not dare stretch the generosity of my supervisors and ask even to take off early. So now, as soon as I get out of work (5:30) I have to speed back home (5:45) and do another 40 mile round trip to get to this office (6:15). I just hope I can make it there because inconveniently, this piece of shit pharmacy is not open during the weekends.

Wish us luck if you're reading this. I will most likely need it to avoid some traffic on the way up there.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

New Apple Releases

My buddy at Apple teased the release of something new to me while playing Halo over X Box Live last night. I already knew about the video iPod coming out, but I was not aware that an updated version of the G5 iMac would come out today. It's slimmer, faster, comes with a remote control, built in airport extreme, DVD-R/CD-RW drive etc etc etc . . . seriously a beautiful looking machine that performs just as great as it looks. Even my supervisor here at work just started drooling like a baby when he caught a glimpse of it. The giddyness he displayed about this new computer was kind of weird, since he's usually a calm and reserved guy. I guess the sense of wonder this personal computer (I refuse to abbreviate it as PC since that has a negative connotation for me) is might strong. But of course, the PC-zombies will be out in force, calling it a "crap-intosh" (courtesy of my co-worker) and so on. Whatever, I love this piece of computing hardware. I want it. Honey, go sell some eggs from your ovaries. Between this, and the X Box 360, we're going to need the extra cash . . . and by "we", I mean me profiteering from the sale of your ovum.

Ok, maybe I'm not that evil (maybe), and I might just have to keep using my older iBook until it finally craps out on me. The $1,299 price tag attached to this computer kind of scares me. It's totally the type of thing that I would put on one (or several) of my already overloaded credit cards (I swear MasterCard has a picture of me with the title "Best Client Ever" in their offices). I do want to get a job there, and my pal might be able to get me a job that would come with a pretty sweet employee discount. There is a move from Los Angeles to Sacramento involved, but I've already sold the wife on that prospect. Now it's just finding the right time to take the plunge into that little adventure. Los Angeles will rejoice when I make my exit from town the first or second quarter of 2006.

Let's just hope my laptop holds out 'til then.

Gravity 1 Dunst 0

Looks like gravity is catching up to Kirsten Dunst, and Spider-Man is nowhere near to throw up a webbing-bra strong enough to contain the downward decline of her breasts. Wow, those not-so-fun bags look like they're right out of a National Geographic magazine. I guess, if you're an anthropologist, then you could find those deflated melons appealing. You would probably think that you've discovered a new race of Amazonian albino trolls. Heck, this could mean you finally getting tenure. I am in no way endorsing the capturing of Kirsten Dunst and locking her up in a cage for further study . . . but if it gets her off my computer/television/movie screen . . . then go right ahead. It's all in the name of science right?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Box Office Ka-Ching!

I'm always checking box office results. I don't know why I am fascinated by the collection of millions of dollars in ticket sales. Maybe it's envy, since my avant-garde film that shows nightly on my garage door doesn't get many sales (thanks Mom). So here are the ten movies that are making the "cheddar" across the country.

Top Box Office (10/09/2005)
1. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit: Loved this movie. This claymation feature deserves the top box office result for the weekend. I know it's a kid flick, and when my wife and I saw it, we were in the small adult minority present in the theater. But everyone enjoyed it. No one sat there and groaned at the jokes (which were great). Everyone in attendance let Wallace & Gromit take them on a pretty fun hour and a half ride. I enthusiastically recommend you go watch this. Stoned if you want. Or sober . . . whatever floats your boat.

2. Flightplan: Now this is a ride I do not want to board. I just read review after review for this being just terrible. It's kind of strange how it's just been making money hand over fist. Is Jodie Foster acting like a raving lunatic on an airplane really that compelling? Maybe if she's flinging poop. Is she flinging poop? If so, then I'm there . . . ridiculous plot or not.

3. In Her Shoes: All I know from the preview is that there's one "hot" sister (Cameron Diaz) and one ugly sister (Toni Collette) and they share shoes and fungus powder while trying to reconnect with their grandmother . . . who didn't like their mother much. It's extremely yawn inducing fare, but I hear that Cameron Diaz's acne is controlled for the duration of the film, and she walks around in a bikini or something revealing. Good thing my wife scoffed at the trailer, because I did not want to go see this at all. Thanks honey.

4. Two for the Money: This is one of those movies where Al Pacino does a little monologue about something or other that's really lucrative and not many people know about in his raspy tough guy voice. It just seems old. This one's about sport betting. Because all the other cool somewhat illegal dealings have all been covered already. You know what Pacino . . . just retire man. The older you get, the less convincing the tough guy thing gets. I know pre-schoolers tougher than you now.

5. The Gospel: I don't think I'm black enough to watch this movie. Actually . . . it's not that I'm not black, it's just that I am not interested in Gospel. Too preachy. I wonder why . . hmm . . .

6. Tim Burton's Corpse Bride: Necrophilia is cute. You should take your kids to go watch this. And you might want to also pick up that "Future Serial Killer" kit on sale at the gun/liquor store in your neighborhood. Or the "Junior Goth" kit from the Hot Topic. Your child is going to end up as one if he keeps watching those Tim Burton movies. Might as well accept it and get it done with already. I watched this movie by the way, dragged by my wife after I could no longer take the pouts and complaints when I suggested we go watch something good. She was unimpressed by the thing, which says a lot. Tim, stick to releasing one movie per year.

7. Waiting...: This comedy about the food service industry didn't open big like it wanted to. I guess the prospect of checking out Ryan Reynold's chiseled abs is not drawing in the male demographic. Strange huh? I might go catch this in a month or so when it's playing at the discount theater in Pasadena. I just don't feel like paying 10 bucks to see this. I'll feel cheated like everytime I eat at a Friday's.

8. Serenity: The disappointment of the year. This was the movie that was supposed to relaunch the Firefly franchise. Rabid browncoats flocked to this and bought 8 or so tickets each and started handing them out to complete strangers. It should have performed better than 16 million total so far. But it didn't. Oh well. I really liked it, and I hope it does good enough business on DVD to warrant Universal getting a sequel out . . . or at least a direct to DVD feature.

9. A History of Violence: The Viggo is mad. His movie (pretty good take for limited release) will bring his history of violence to you if you don't catch this David Cronenberg movie. Don't piss Aragorn off man . . . he'll totally take you out with a torch like you were a punk ass Nasgul.

10. Into the Blue: Jessica Alba in a bikini should be a license to print money. Or food stamps at the least. But I guess Paul Walker's ginormous head was hogging up too much screen time and the "bounty+hand lotion" crowd just couldn't focus enough to recommend this. Oh well . . . the movie looks like crap anyway. I wouldn't even catch this on "skinemax". Heck, I'd rather watch that Boy Band Zombie movie that they like to rerun on that channel. How could you resist Zombie Boy Band members. Come on . . . you just can't get more evil than that.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Shooting Phish In a Barrel

God I wish this were about me shooting that hippie band while they're all crammed in a barrel (preferrably with a double barrel shotgun) . . . but alas, it is not the case. I just got a phisher e-mail from someone claiming to be PayPal. Thing is . . . they sent the e-mail to the wrong gmail account. The e-mail they sent the "verification" e-mail was the BAFW one instead of my main e-mail address. Idiots (I sure did repeat e-mail a lot in that last sentence . . . e-mail). Check out the message below in case you get one of these in the next few days.

Security Center Advisory!


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Yeah right buddy. Next time you send a phisher, make sure you run a spell check, you dumb fucking idiot.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Did I Miss the Super Bowl?

I thought Janet Jackson only got naked during major televised sporting events? Did I miss the Super Bowl? I ask this because the link below is for a short clip of Janet Jackson sunbathing . . . in the nude. I know, this sounds horrifying to me as well, but I figure, since it's October . . . I need to post something scary in the spirit of Halloween.

This is not to say that some people will find this clip to be vaguely erotic. To those people I have to ask . . . "When did the insane asylum get internet access?" Seriously, get help.

Oh the Horror!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Search-O-Rama

It's always interesting to me just how people end up on my blog. I like to use Sitemeter to track these visits, since they have a "by referral" page that will let me know just how someone ended up with having to read one of my posts. So, I'm just going to go by a few of the most recent searches that landed someone here.

Using MSN search, someone keyed in "Eva Long". Just who this might be is unknown to me, but it led them to my Eva Long-toe-Ria post, where disappointment ensued. Unless they are a fan of camel toes. In that case, he/she was a happy camper.

Another MSN search, this time the key words entered were "the Nicole Ritchie Diet". Why anyone would want to lose weight the Ritchie way, is beyond me. It just seems retarded. Not like it's an ancient beaner in disguise secret. The girl does blow. Anyway, it led whoever wanted to know about that to my Return of the Living Dead Ritchie post, where they got to see the results of the all-cocaine diet.

MSN seems to be treating me well lately, because the next search is also coming from them. This time, "how old Andy Milanokis" was entered, and even despite the obvious grammatical mistake, it led them to my post where I ask that same question and provide an answer. If you want to know, you'll have to click. I don't give out freebies. What does this look like? A friggin charity?

More MSN goodness, this time in the form of "Anne Hathaway Nude". Now, this is a search that has popped up with Google, Blogsearch, and other search engines, so this will be the only instance where I mention this. I have seen the actual video. I don't know why it's generating so many searches. I guess if you're a fan of Bijou Phillips, and you want to see her get it on with some mexican vatos, then go right ahead and look for the download. It's an ok 4-5 minutes.

Continuing with the MSN domination, the most baffling search of the day happens to be "ways to catch herpes". What?? Do they not know that sex is the way to get herpes? Come on kids, take damn sex ed class already. Don't rely on my blog to teach you all the intricacies of STD's. This search actually took them to a previous search-related post where that same phrase had popped up previously. Deja Vu?

Another MSN search (and I feel like I should be getting a kick back from Gates right around now) was "Alba ass". Now, I don't blame them for looking for it online, but they're not going to actually find her ass. That chick just won't do nudity . . . yet. What they did get to check out was the post of her picking her ass-wedgie. That was a memorable post. Always love seeing chicks picking their butts. It's so classy.

I'll let you go on that high note.

Duff is a Dog?

This is really confusing. All this time I thought Hillary Duff was a homo sapien female . . . an extremely annoying and boxy shaped human female. Now this magazine came out and is telling me that she's actually a canine bitch. Well, if it's in print, then it's gotta be true. Just how everything written on this blog is true . . . allegedly.

I'm just wondering what breed Hillary is. Is there a breed of dog that tends to drop weight fast and favors horse-teeth veneers over her regular teeth? She also loves to howl really loud in an attempt to "sing". Oh, puppies are so cute when they sing. Maybe she's a hound dog, which would be great for the Squishter. He's been looking for a good bitch to hump, and since Hillary is rich for some odd reason, I'm sure he wouldn't mind marrying into money. And it's just about time, my dog has humped holes into his bed. He's got a lot of love to give, and we can't afford to buy him more beds. Have your people call my people Hillary, because as far as I know, dogs can't use telephones.

Oops, They Did it on Tape

Well, it was bound to happen. A Britney Spears sex tape might be surfacing soon with a pre-preggo Spears getting it on with her hip-hop-hillbilly husband, (for the alliteration fans) Kevin Federline. It seems a disgruntled (ex)member of their entourage copied the alleged sex-tape and is threatening to release it. If it does, can someone do me the favor of getting me a copy of it. I missed out on "One Night in Paris" so I don't want to miss out on "One Night in Macon, Georgia", which is what I think they should title little home movie. I don't think it will be "sexy" at all, but I'm sure it will feature Slim Jims (and that's not an euphamism for penis) being inserted into anuses while Britney's vagina puffs smoke from her Virginia Slim 125 menthol cigarettes. She likes her vag to be minty fresh but well nicotine'd at the same time.

But, what most people might be anxiously awaiting is a pregnant sex tape with Britney and Kevin. That could be marketed as a comedy . . . or a Dutch sex-with-animals feature as Britney got big as a cow while being pregnant. Or even better, a Dutch sex-with-animals Comedy. Oh man, I would laugh my ass off.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Crash Test Lohan


Lindsay Lohan was in a car crash a couple of months ago. Seems that she didn't learn her lesson as she just crashed her car . . . again. And it doesn't look like a little dent like the last time. I guess you can't teach a young ho new tricks. Just look at that Mercedes . . . she won't be able to drive that thing again. Once a car gets banged up like that, it never runs right. But, what does she have to worry about. She probably has a ton of Herbie Fully Loaded money just lying around . . . all individually rolled up into makeshift little tubes. I'm not saying she digs cocaine. I'm just saying she likes to roll up hundred dollar bills for fun *snort*.

EDIT: It seems that Lindsay was running away from the dreaded Papparazzi again. And that white powder all over her face was powdered sugar from a donut. She's trying to get her figure back, remember. And cocaine is no good for gaining weight. So it definately was not cocaine. *wink*

EDIT#2: From The Superficial, they have a little eyewitness account pulled from BBC news. If you're too lazy to follow the link, here's the quote:
Eyewitness Victoria Recano, a reporter for US television show Insider, saw the crash and its immediate aftermath. She said: "I was just walking down the street when her Mercedes-Benz sped north... and I guess... hit a red van head-on," she told CBS 2 television. Ms Recano added that the actress and her passenger ran from her car and into a nearby antique shop. "I don't believe they were fleeing the scene, I think they were hiding from paparazzi who hang out in this area," she said.
So, was she being chased by the paparazzi or was she just too busy doing lines from the passanger seat of the car to notice the red van she collided with. And by "doing lines" I mean driving safely. I am not in any way implying that *sniff* Lohan has a *snort* cocaine *chug* and/or alcohol problem. No way. The girl from the Parent Trap? She's an angel.

Treating A Lady Right


A couple of days ago, I posted that Christina Ricci-related post where I mentioned that Sam Jackson knows how to treat a lady right. As in beating her for being white. Well, Dane Cook has a little bit of a different approach. He takes the ass-kissing route (don't worry honey, I won't get off that ass-kissing route anytime soon) in an effort to treat the ladies right. Although, he might be taking it to the extreme. He actually plants his lips on strangers' asses. But who could blame him . . . when the stranger he recently attached his lips to happens to be Charlize Theron. I guess the law of averages does work after all. Plant enough ass kisses on women and you'll eventually end up on Chalize Theron's ass.

I missed the actual televised occurance since I don't watch The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I don't own a plasma widescreen television set, so I could not possibly fit Leno's chin and the rest of the show on my regular 32" set. I know what you're thinking . . . with all the hundreds of cents he's making a year with all that advertising, how can he not afford a high end television set? Charity. I give and give and give and never get anything in return. By charity I mean casino nickel slot machines. And it is true . . . those bitches never pay out when I bet 9 lines at 10 nickels per line.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Good News For Master Chief

A lot of rumors have been circulating about who's going to direct the big screen adaptation of Halo. Some joker thought it'd be funny to add Uwe Boll (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark) to the IMDB page for the upcoming Universal/Fox joint venture . . . which set fans ablaze. That rumor was squashed fairly quickly, as no one wanted to see their favorite FPS property shat on (and most likely on the chest) by Boll. Next, a rumor that Peter Jackson would be helming the film was just a whisper in the wind before the rumor got snuffed. But it seems that even though Peter Jackson is not directing this, he is still very interested in the property . . . since he's signed on as Producer.
“As a gaming fan, I’m excited to bring HALO's premise, action and settings to the screen with all the specificity and reality today’s technology can provide,” said Jackson. “Fran and I are intrigued by the unique challenges this project offers, and we’re delighted to be working again with our friends at Universal, and with our new ones at Fox and Microsoft. I’m a huge fan of the game and look forward to helping it come alive on the cinema screen.”
WETA is also going to be working on the project, and if you remember how great the special effects on The Lord of the Rings were, then you know that at least it's going to look fantastic. The script was written by the guy that wrote "28 Days Later", so there's going to be a tense script. Now this needs a kick ass director (come on PJ . . . do it for the kids) and the end product will be something that not only Halo fans will flock to.

There's a comb in it for ya if you take the director chair Peter Jackson. You know combs right? Oh wait . . .

Ouch Cameo - Early October


Because there is demand for jpeg carnage, here it is. Also, a good reason to opt for the platic forks whenever you go for some chinese takeout. Who knew those chopsticks could be that dangerous. Actually, what's more dangerous is the actual food you injest when you frequent those establishments. Who knows when it's "Dog meat in the Barbeque Pork" day. I never know, and I don't want to run into that little surprise. But hey, if you love the taste of dog, then by all means. Feel free to go get yourself some chinese food.

*Bracing myself for the flow of hate mail from 2 billion angry Chinese people*

Teddy's Cheer Club

It feels really refreshing to discover something new. Something that hasn't been overplayed or isn't a darling of the snooty public radio crowd. I hardly ever listen to the radio anymore due to the fact that nothing great is ever played there. It's all commercialized crap. The same songs that the big music companies pay the broadcasting conglomerates to play is just put on repeat over and over again. Either that, or I'm accosted by Sublime tracks. Seriously, Sublime?

So this past weekend, while taking a walk down Colorado Blvd during the Eagle Rock Music Festival, Heather, the Squishter and I discovered Teddy's Cheer Club. Right off the bat they sounded great on the makeshift stage behind the Pilates studio. The four member band's sound attracted us to the small crowd that had gathered around them. We stood there; Heather and I, for the entirety of their short set and nodded our heads (well . . the Squishter turned his back to them 'cause he's more of a Hip Hop dog) to the beat and repeatedly turned to each other and said "These guys are good" with utter disbelief.

They had CD's for sale, for a buck, which is a great price. So we picked it up, and the CD has not left my car's CD player for the past 2 days. It's just great music. What they have currently is a 5 track demo that you can get from this page by clicking on their Artist Direct link. If you don't want to go ahead and do that (and you're missing out) then they have to free MP3 downloads available on that page. I recommend the full 5 track demo, but if you want just a taste, go for the downloads.

But, what do they sound like? I'm not a great music reviewer, but at times they have a hint of Interpol and sound a little like the Arcade Fire (but only because they have both male and female singers). The band has been around for close to a year, but they don't sound raw and unpolished. This band has it together and they sound professional. If you're in the Los Angeles area, do look out for them whenever they play a club. It's usually a cheap cover from what I've seen from their website. Better get yourself a listen before they make it big.

http://teddyscheerclub.net/

Monday, October 03, 2005

C.R.A.B.S.


Has my dream come true? Did someone start a Christina Ricci Ass-Beating Society? Otherwise known as C.R.A.B.S. Someone pinch me because I must be dreaming. Oh wait, these are behind the scenes pictures for her new movie "Black Snake Moan". Something about her getting the crap kicked out of her by a black man (reportedly played by Sam Jackson) for some reason. Maybe her character needed to be told something more than once. That Sam Jackson knows how to treat a woman right. I guess that's better than a white man kicking the crap out a black woman. Reverse racism? Who cares. That make-up does look pretty convincing though. I kinda like it. Way better than that pre-teen goth period she went through. I'll leave you with another picture and a link to the page where you can get the whole set from (all whopping five in total . . . I know, I treat you bitches too well).

She may look a little skinnier than when she did Buffalo 66, but the bruises and caked on blood do look classy. Compared to Paris Hilton and Tara Reid, it kinda looks like she's going to a high falutin dinner party.

What Line is This For?

Fantasia, winner of one of those American Idol contests, can't read. She's illiterate. Which leads me to post this question. Did she think she was in a very long unemployment line when she lined up at whatever city American Idol was casting that day?
"American Idol" winner Fantasia Barrino reveals in her memoirs that she is functionally illiterate and had to fake her way through some scripted portions the televised talent show, which she won in 2004.
"You're illiterate to just about everything. You don't want to misspell," Fantasia told ABC's "20/20." "So that, for me, kept me in a box and I didn't, wouldn't come out."
Personally, I wish she had stayed in that box. And if that box wasn't large enough, I would have provided her with a nifty, new refridgerator box that I have just lying around the front porch. I like to make the hobos jealous with my cardboard mansion. But once in a while, I have charitable inclinations . . . and I would have given that box to her free of charge. But since she sold her soul to the devil . . . err . . . I mean Simon Cowell, she can go choke on all her money for all I care. She probably thinks it's lettuce, since she can't read the words on it.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Suck My BlogExplosion

That's it. I'm done with them. Blogexplosion has ticked me off for the last time. My account has been deactivated because of "starting problems"? They also mention pop-ups . . . which I'm guessing the shoutbox there is generating. It's the only thing I can think of since I removed all pop-up/under specific code from the template, yet once in a while, a random one will show up. It's not like it happens every time. That is a minor gripe. But "starting problems"?? What? I mouth off a little in their forums and zap! I'm out?

Way to silence the winds of dissent BlogExplosion. I loved your service for about a month and a half and then it went down the crapper. It's total shit. I'm not going to miss the 10-15 hits per day that I got from you. Insignificant. Keep working on that script though . . . maybe one day you'll get it fucking right. In the meantime, there are plenty of other traffic generators I can use that can yield many more hits than you uppity bitches.

So long, and I hope you all shrivel up and die. No, I'm not bitter. There is no anger in this post. It's all meticulously calculated wish for your one collective brain to be eroded by syphillis and your remains be picked apart by vultures. Seriously, I wish you the best. And by the best I mean the worst. I like to use reverse psychology from time to time.

Post-Randomizer 5000

So, this Anne Hathaway showing off her titties in the soon to be released movie titled "Havoc" seems to be a big thing lately. Not Technorati Top Ten big, but it's pretty close. Saw the actual sex scene clip where you get to see the rack, and I have to say . . . eh. Sure, they're there, and it makes me look at those Princess Diaries and Ella Enchanted movies just a little bit differently, but damn . . . she chickens out of the actual sex act with a Latino drug dealer. Doesn't she know that those are the most cuddly of all drug dealers? Bijou Phillips kinda steals the scene from her. Whatever. Here's the DVD cover so that you know what to look for when you go shopping for hand lotion and Bounty paper towels.

And do yourself a favor, make sure you get the "unrated" version. There's an R-rated one out there as well that I'm sure has some stuff cut out of it. Unless you live in Utah, you have no business buying that. That is, unless you're planning to give it as a gift to your infant child. In that case, sure, get him/her the R-rated version.

I haven't been an active part of the anti-Housewife Mafia, or Mommy-Mafia (which just sounds gay. No wonder a mommy came up with that term). I really want to go out there to Blog Explosion and throw down a little with those top Battle of the Blogs housewives . . . but that would cut into my Halo 2 time. In life, you have to learn to prioritize. Throwing online punches at mommy blogs will never be important enough to detract time from my videogaming activities. Since I work (and this new job does not offer me that many opportunities to slack off like the last one), I can't take the liberty to tussle with these blogs actively. But, that doesn't mean that the contempt is non-existant. I hate mommy blogs just as much as Crazy Dan and Big D and I find this particular blog to be a hilarious parody of this truly repulsive example of mommy-blogdom, but seriously . . . I'm getting too old for this shit.

In other non-internet related news . . . I keep waking up thinking that there are bugs either hovering over my face or crawling all over my pillow. Quite disturbing. For instance, this morning, when I woke up I saw, clear as day, a spiderweb with about a dozen black spiders all over it, just inches from my face. Sure, as soon as I rubbed my eyes, they were gone . . . but this is happening with increasing frequency. Am I going crazy?

And in mental sanity news . . . the wife will be out all day today sailing with some friends. Which means I get the whole house to myself. I will be able to go on X Box Live and blow off some steam. Of course, this will lead to extremely dry eyes, so I will be taking many naps throughout the day. Not that my wife drives me crazy . . . sometimes men just need a day to themselves to lounge around the sofa watching television and playing videogames to ensure mental sanity. Just think of it as a day in the Spa for you ladies. But less expensive.
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